Run for your life

True, life is about ups and downs.
But what do you do when you feel like you're going through more downs than ups? I tell myself that I'm fine. And I am. But there are certain times when I know that I am not.
The worst part is, I can't talk to anyone because.. well.. I've talked to everyone.

And they can't offer me solutions. I can't offer myself solutions. So now I'm in a rut. I've been in that rut for quite a while now.

But life goes on. And I feel like I'm being left behind. I find myself struggling to just have a breather. I find myself wondering when does it get better for me. I know the root to my all of these ~feelings~. And apparently it's a taboo so I can't talk about it.

But you can't lie to yourself. No matter how hard you try, you just can't.
I did everything though. Everything in my power to be better. But it's not enough. And there's nothing left for me to do anymore except wait. And I've waited so long. So many things have changed. But I'm still stuck here.
I've used up all my emotional crutches - my friends so to speak. But harsh word were uttered. There are no longer kind understanding on their part just rushed 'it has been too long now, you should have gotten over it by now'. And I can't argue because they are right. I know they are.

But knowing that they're right left me feeling so.. alone. And loneliness sucks.

More than that really, even I'm starting to resent myself. That's not news. But I've been doing so more than usual lately. That's worse than feeling alone. It's worse than feeling so weighed down you can barely breathe. It's like you're having a constant battle with yourself. And the weaker part of you always finds a way to feel so low that you have to cry yourself to sleep in order the function properly again the next day.

And now I'm past the point of wondering when will I get out of this rut. I've relented to the fact that I probably never will. And no matter how far I travel, no matter what I achieve, I just know that I will always be in that rut.
I will always feel this empty.
And I will always be this lonely.