I've got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright

There will a come a point in your life where you wonder whether you're just being extremely melodramatic or your problem is truly as big as it seems.

I brush off all of my close to tears moments lately as me being melodramatic. I chastise myself for feeling low. Basically, I've turned myself against me.

I thought I should be free to feel however I want to feel.

But I can't. I feel weak and disgusted with myself every time I feel any sort of emotions at all.  I don't know what conclusion I'm coming to. Just bear with me.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - Eleanor Roosevelt.

That sounds so awfully simple doesn't it? And that's why I feel repulsed with myself every time I get hurt or feel sad. Because I let myself be in that position. I let people make me feel inferior. They couldn't have done it without my consent. 

I let people into my life. I let them stay on my mind. And the worst part is, I trust them.

Nothing good ever comes out from trusting anyone. And to trust someone with your heart? With your emotion? You might as well hand them a knife and tell them to stab you when you're not looking. It'd hurt less.

And there I go, making myself sound like I belong in a 12 years running soap opera. It really is the truth though.

People aren't nice.

I've come to that conclusion long ago. I'm not bitter nor cynical. I haven't lost faith in humanity. But people are by nature aggressive and they'd always put their needs above anyone else's. It's not their fault, it's basic survival instinct.

I'm not blessed with that instinct, however. And I'm not saying that I'm nice as well. You be the judge of that. But I worry a lot.

I worry what consequences my actions could bring to other people. I worry that I did someone wrong. I worry if I had affected anyone negatively all the time.

So I don't understand when people purposely hurt me, fully knowing that their actions hurt me. They don't seem to mind at all. 

I'm not playing the victim card now. I'm fully aware that I'm the reason why I'm here. I'll guard myself better. I won't let anyone into my life. I won't trust anyone with any secrets of mine.

And then I'll pray to be safe from getting hurt. I'll pray that I won't feel that much.