She'll break her own heart

Bad decisions.
There are such things as bad decisions.

And then there are times when you would have to be forced off your indifference and actually deal with things.
When things like this happen, more often that not, you would look up and wish for a helping hand ready to throw a rescue buoy your way. You'd wish someone would tell you that it's not that bad, it's not your fault, there are ways to rectify this problem, etc etc.

I'm not short of people trying to throw rescue buoys to me. However, they always throw the wrong kind of buoy. I appreciate the gesture but at the end of the day, I'm still drowning.

Drowning and alone and crying while choking on that salty water of the ocean.

And there are only so little time the fact that I'm drowning is visible to people because I'm flailing on the surface. There would come time when I would have to stop flailing because the water caused my cells to not receive sufficient oxygen, and ultimately I would drown to death. No longer visible. Just, sink beneath the water never to be seen again.

I desperately want to believe that it's not that bad, but it is.
I don't want to be told that I'm feeling too much either because it makes no difference.

Everywhere I look, I see a gaping void that is my future. I see the nothingness that surrounds it. I see just how ultimately screwed I am as of now and I see no solution.

I see no solution whatsoever. And I don't want to listen to anymore people because they always end up saying the wrong things that will make me feel worse about myself. I get that it's a necessary thing to do, to hurt me with words so that I would understand what a huge mess I made of myself, but it's not a nice thing to feel.

I would like to choke on my tears alone and throw a pity party for myself and never see anyone ever again because I am a failure in every which way. And that's not a call for help, nor a cry for attention. It's the cold hard truth that I can't resist no matter how hard I try.

Crying alone at night used to be beneath me. I guess I've reached my rock bottom then.
Even I'm disgusted with myself.

Heh.