Boohoo

My life constantly revolves around school nowadays.
And a shitload of stress.

There are some enjoyable moments at the place I'm studying. Like today- we had a campaign project for our Oral Communication class. It was a good day- mostly because my group mates are fantastic. And I love working with them.

But other days can be pointless.
I seems like I had lost purpose.

I don't know if this is just a phase, but I don't know why I'm doing all this. College is place to discover yourself. I went through 11 years of school following, doing what other people tell me I should do. But college, is supposed to be where I make my own decision.

And I thought I made a sound one. I'm not saying I regret it.
I knew I was not going to love it and I was right.

And I thought that's just it. I won't love it but it'd be okay. I'd be okay with it.

There used to be some things that I could identify myself with back in Sri Aman. I didn't like my subjects but I had loved Literature. I loved my friends. I loved the countless stress-inducing projects that made me feel very important.

And when I had a break after my SPM, I identified myself with my job at Tooba'. They liked me and I liked them back. And I enjoyed selling clothings to people- as weird as that may sound.

But now, I'm forced to identify myself with school. I don't like school. I don't like how English- a subject that I could tolerate and had a preference for in the past turned into this mush of inexplicably complicated things. Inexplicable because they aren't explained very well to me.
Maybe I'm just dumb but I don't seem to get it what my lecturers are trying to teach me. I tried so hard and I still can't.

Read: Forced. I was forced to identify myself with my education now. It takes most of my time-understandably- and it occupies my mind all the time-not so understandably. So much so that to feel like I'm on a break, I would turn to my bed, refuse to shower all day and just remain dormant for the whole weekend. If I decided to shower, it'd be thinking about my declining grades. I don't love anything there. I don't have a hobby or a place where I can freely express myself.

I'm either bored or stressed out.
And happiness only comes in form of temporary feigned ignorance of the current situation.

I don't think this is the life I want to live.