Lost

This is probably the eighth time I'm attempting this post.
It's difficult to write now. Part of the reason is because I write the most when I'm vulnerable. This of course results to a conflict of my current developed interest; I actually have trouble with vulnerability.

If there is one thing in the world I would want most gone from myself, it'd be vulnerability. I get uncomfortable around it. I get irked by it. So I can not fathom how vulnerability is the most quintessential part of me.

I get irked with myself because I cry a lot. I get upset. And every time I do, I find it imperative not to show it to other people. Because I hate it that I feel this way. I despise it. I loath it.

And that in turn weigh me down even further. I suppose it is ironic when you think about it. I hate vulnerability so I won't let myself feel it but when I do that I get even more vulnerable. It weighs me down so much that I think I'm starting to lose sense of myself.

I feel happy very rarely. I find solitude rather lonely. I'm just a different person now.

I guess many things can be attributed to this. I just don't really like where I am at this point of my life. People like to go on and on about how change is good for you. I even welcomed it with open arms.

But Change has been nothing but cruel to me.

And no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I know people are leaving me behind.
People are moving forward while I'm stuck here. I'm in a rut.

I'm lost in this life I've chosen for myself and there's no supporting tether to bound me to safety. I'm just.. alone. And I cannot shake the feeling that I've done something terribly wrong to myself.

I deprive myself from companionship and freedom of expression. I think those things are weak. It makes me vulnerable. But that deprivation led to even more vulnerability. I think I made a mistake. I don't like where I am at in my life right now and I have no company to make it bearable.

I'm just.. lost.