Tepuk dada tanya selera

It is now Winter Break here in Drake University. It's been 4 months since I last waved goodbye to my family and friends at KLIA. And you know that saying how time passes by in the blink of an eye?

Well, I've been blinking a lot and it's only been 4 months. Gosh.

I mean, I've had my fair share of fun and excitement. And as weird as it may sound, no I do not regret moving here. I love Malaysia but there a lot of things I have learned here in these 4 months that I know I would not have learned had I not move half a world away.

But goodness me, here is not home. Home is where my cat is, where my cozy blankets and pillows are. I have to spend another 5 months in this place (which is not home) and that prospect is daunting to say the least.

But let's not dampen the mood.

What have I learned here in the past four months?
Well, I've learned to be inquisitive and critical in everything that you do. Especially when it comes to your belief system. I was in a philosophy class as part of the first year experience in Drake. I guess this would not come as a shock, but in Malaysia, it's a taboo to question your religion. Muslims need to be protected from confusions at all times. Of course, there are certain things that should not be challenged and sometimes, we can't be sure of the intentions of those who does the challenging but that's a topic for another day.

I believe sheltering Muslims from confusions is the wrong way to go about things. Faith is not about being blind. It's not about following what other people had set out for you and told you to be true. It is critical thinking.

In that class I had come to reexamine everything about my belief system. How do I know my religion is the one true religion? If I am saying that my belief is the only truth, am I confident enough in my convictions to forsake everyone's belief systems thus automatically labeling myself as "intolerant"? What if I turn out to be wrong? What happens then?

Instead of doubting everything I know to be true, it strengthened my belief. How? Each an every questions asked in that class can be answered by the Quran & Hadis. Amazing isn't it?

Questions that I have asked my Ustazah in high school and got shot down with incoherent uncomfortable answers were answered eloquently by the questions that my non-muslim philosophical teacher asked me. Who's to blame for that?  I find it to be sad that some Muslims in my country are so fragile in their belief that any sign of other religion is seen as a threat.

Instead of sheltering people, educate them. That class taught me the virtue of adulthood; it is taking responsibility for things that you believe in, and finding ways to answer life's hardest questions without dodging them.

Am I close to being an adult? Not at all. I am definitely trying though. I am trying to be accountable for my actions and do the right things at all time.

I find it much more difficult to be a Muslim here than in Malaysia. It is hard to cover your hair on your way from the bathroom after you shampooed your hair, cause it's wet and sticky and everything. It is hard to eat the same few halal things in the dining hall without gagging every few days, especially when the roasted chicken is just a few millimeters away from the potato. It is difficult to find a place to pray every time the azan is heard from your phone when you're out and about. In Malaysia, you can eat at virtually any place, there's surau everywhere, and school hours are catered to prayer time. Here, you have to pray in public. I've prayed at a parking lot once. And goodness me, it feels so much more rewarding when you realised that you have not skipped a prayer that day.

During Thanksgiving, I was invited to the home of the Darlings (that is their real name), and it was such an enriching experience for me. I went there with bunch of my Christian seniors and they are all (including the Darlings) stout believers of their religion. And it is amazing when I see how they have sparkle in their eyes when they talk about their belief. How they are kind and compassionate because of their religion. How they voice out their gratefulness at any given moment, unwarranted and not only on the praying mat.

It reminds me of my own shortcomings as a Muslim. How sometimes I grumble at the first sign of discomfort. How I sometimes do not even say Alhamdulillah after getting an A on a test. It humbles me. I believe that Islam is the one true religion and its teachings are all about being kind, compassion, grateful and yet, these people are kinder, and better at being humans than I am.

More than ever now, I learned how important it is to be kind.

Every Tuesday night, there would be an International student game night with American host families at the space in my dining hall. Coincidentally that's the place I used to study. And I study a lot, every time they're there I would be there too studying away. It was finals week, and there I was studying. A guy (one of the host families) came in to wish me luck for my test. I said thank you and smiled revering at how kind he is. To my surprise he did a double take and asked for my permission if he could pray for me. He knows that I am Muslim, and he is a Christian. I said yes, and he started praying for me to do well right in front of me

It was so amazing. How this complete stranger, aware of our religious difference, sincerely prayed for my well being because of his own inner compassion. And I started thinking if the situation was reversed. The Muslims in my country would chastise me for praying for a non-Muslim since it's haram.

And it might be haram but that's not the point. It is the gesture that is so heartwarming to me. Why cant we as Muslims in Malaysia show kindness to other religion too? Why is it that we feel so threatened when they express their religious practice when we are so free to express our religion?

Tepuk dada tanya selera.

Bila terasa rindu~~

In the previous post, I talked about how the adventure in States is thus far, monotonous.
It still is, actually.

But I just got over my mid term and my goodness, is there no other rush in life except the rush for studying. I just feel alive. Reading chapters after chapters, preparing for a presentation. It just feels so right. My life, has purpose.

Is it sad to center your life around your work? Some people say it is. I don't know what I think. I just think that I'm gonna do a Honors program. I'm gonna graduate with a 3.5 above CGPA and I'm gonna major in either History, English or... international relations. I dunno.

I sound like such a nerd. But travelling is not my passion. People kept on making plans to travel across US and I'm sitting here, trying to plan a trip and getting lost in the abyss of expensive plane tickets and horrible cheap hotels. It's... terrifying. I don't wanna fly to NY and then get lost trying to get to my hotel. My trip has to be planned to the most minor minute details. So, no, I don't think I will be flying anywhere anytime soon.

On other note, I miss home. I miss my cat. I really do. It is expected, really. I miss home when I was in Langkawi. I get homesick while my family and cat are around. Now I'm much farther. I still don't know how to connect with my peers. I mean sure, I share small talks. I'm great at those. I laugh when they attempt to be funny. But, I have no real friends. Strange really. How did I make friends back in Sri Aman? Lol. Making friends seem to be in Mandarin for me now. People seem to be so into each other, you have to wonder whether it is all an act or genuine. LOL

Am I bothered that I have no friends? I dunno. Sometimes it feels lonely, but other times I can't imagine my life with other people in it. I seem to have a difficult time expressing my thoughts even to the person closest to me. It's like my thoughts give no wiggle space for anyone at all to enter it. Not even my mum, not even my boyfriend. I hate to appear weak.

I could have the worst day but if people smile to me, despite every inch of muscles in my body wanting to ignore that person, I would still will my the muscles around my mouth to curve upward. I have so much trouble with vulnerability and it seems like no one has the slightest idea that I'm facing all of this.

I feel so lonely sometimes but I keep reminding myself that I chose to be this way. But a small part of me, wants a person to come along and break that barrier. Force me to be honest with myself. This, of course, contradicts everything that I tell myself. I am strong, I don't need anyone to pick me up.

But it'd be nice to be able to cry into the night with someone around to just... be there.

Differences

I'm in the States currently. Iowa specifically. Living on campus with 2 very socially active roommates. And I wonder, why out of all the chances that I could be placed with all the roommates in this world, I'm placed in the noisiest floor with people who turn my room into what they deem to be the "party room".

Oh how weak my heart in face of challenges like this.

I am a pushover. Over the years I've gathered courage to muster the feeling of anger and hurt. But nope, I still do not have the slightest bit of idea on how to channel them. I am never confrontational.

There's no point in this post but to lament my sad sad fate here.

The US so far, had fell way below my expectations. Lol. It's exciting to start your life so far from home. It's new; it's unexplored territory. But goodness, it's just the same, minus the warmth of home. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Maybe it will be exciting later on.

But Iowa, pick up your pace. It's starting to become really dull here.
All the freedom from my parents and stuff like that don't really matter because I won't do anything with the freedom anyhow -.-'

Bye friends. Stay tune for monotonous adventures in theStates. Woohoooo

Alone

Horrible.
Just, awful.

That's how I'm feeling. With my eyes puffed up and my head pounding. I feel... down.
Sometimes you just want encouraging words you know.
I want to be told that it's okay. That I'm okay. You are here for me. You love me. Eventhough you don't understand, you would stay.

But things are not so point blank you know.

I remember when I was 15 and I went through a rough patch. I was a teenager, finding my footing, not knowing who I am. I was sad. Refused to eat. Refused to sleep.
Looking back now I might have been depressed. Not self diagnosed depressed. Clinically. Like it's a disease.

But people don't turn around to look at me and ask how I am. My parents took one swift look at me and disregarded me as being a brat. My friends noticed that I was quiet and isolated myself. They just let me be.

But I know I was sad. No matter what people say about me overthinking it. Or being a drama queen. I was sad and I lost 15 kg in 3 months.

I was chubby so people thought it was for the better. I thought it was for the better.
But in 2010, for the whole 2 months of school holidays I remember lying in my bed not knowing nor caring whether it's night or day and I would just lie there. No laptop, no phones. No human contact nor conversation. I just lied there for hours and end.

People don't like it when you're sad about nothing. Or about what they perceive as nothing. Do I grudge them for abandoning me? No. In that state of mind, that numbing loneliness, I accepted. I thought I was worthless that's why nobody cared.

I picked myself up from the ground. Dusted myself off. And I continued living. I let go of the abandonment. I blamed myself for being sad.

What's the point of this story?

It is that I'm a lonely person. I see faces around me that I thought I love. That I thought love me back. And I knew I would do so much for them. If they were sad about nothing I know I would be there for them.

But they will not be there for me. They would think I'm making it up. Searching for drama. I'm just an overthinker with a flair for theater. Never mind if I wake up pounding from hours of crying. Never mind that. I brought this upon myself.
I have no right to expect company.

I am not loved.
I am...
alone.

10 Reasons Why I Love My Boyfriend

I never talk about this. I mean I used to but not anymore. But I figured there's nothing wrong with reminding yourself why you love them.

10) He has no problem driving over to my house every single day to pick me up and drop me off to and from school. He prefers it actually, over me staying at my dorm room. And seldom asks for gas. :)

9) He never admits that I'm fat. Eventhough I know I am.

8) So he never discourages me when I crave for peculiar food. He encourages me actually. (which is kinda bad  but yeah...)

7) He likes the colour of my eyes. And I love his.

6) He's not shy to admit that we're an item. I'm still a bit private about it. But he had practically shown his whole extended family of my photo. Lol.

5) He tells me that he wants to marry me someday.

4) I am repelled by the idea of sharing my life with someone. But when I think about him, I look forward to it.

3) He knows life is not all rainbow and butterflies, so he seldom texts sweet things or say good morning or good night. He instead cares about me more than I care about myself. Once, I had to stay back for 2 hours after class to attend a club meeting. He was tired. And we were fighting. He still waited for me and fell asleep on a bench in school.

2) We don't remember our get-together anniversary. We don't celebrate much actually. We don't know how long we've been together. And I have stopped telling him I love him. Yet, when things are tough he would remind me that he loves me. And although we hate each other at that point of time, I never doubt that he does.

1) Because while I'm gathering this list, I had to omit a million other reasons why I love him. If I were to go on, this list would not cease. :)

There you go. Now go puke in your toilet bowl if you just read that. I know I'm about to.

Lol.

Strange

I was so young.

And things have changed so much.
I read my old blog posts and realised that most of my posts have a sanguine undertone to them. I wrote about my hopes and fears. I wrote about self discovery.
For some reason, I sounded really pleasant. Like I'm a pleasant person to be around with.
Which is shocking cause I always thought I am an emo bitch since forever.

But now... wow. My thought process is really slow. I don't think about things as much as I used to anymore. I don't look at the world and generate perspectives. I exclude myself from most of the things in this world.

I hate social interactions cause I think they're pointless.
It's weird.

I've developed into a weird, anti-social, unpleasant person.
Strange.

What Makes Me Who I Am?

I decided for once, to settle on a topic to write in this blog instead of trailing off writing about my uneventful life.
Lol.

As I turns out, I will be dividing this post into 2. My past and my present. And how I got to my present somewhere in one of those posts. Ought to be interesting. (Self praise is no praise).

So I guess 'What makes me who I am" is an interesting topic to delve into. Although I still haven't really figure it out yet. So I'm figuring it out as I write this. So... yeah. This will be an extremely unorganized post but I myself am disorganized so what's new.

I don't know.
Truly, it seems like there are no events that led me to who I am. I just go with the flow and developed my thoughts as I age.

However, that ought to be an oversimplification.
Let's start with how I am currently.

I guess I am a thinker. For every miniscule aspect of my life, it would be accompanied with scattered train of thoughts. I don't learn from people or past experiences, I learn through current observations. I center my universe around me.

And I live through life carelessly.

How carelessly? No that doesn't mean I'm adventurous. I just... don't learn from what I do wrong. Most probably because I have very little experience in making the wrong decisions. Life has been working out quite well for me.

I don't like experiencing failure so I am terrified by its prospect. So I work hard. I work really hard. I guess you could say I am ambitious. I get geared up when I see people one-upping me. I think that is because I am a confident (and to a certain extent, arrogant) person who believe in my self-worth. I don't say this a lot but when people are better than me, I would feel extremely challenged. I would think that I am able to achieve that as well. So I work hard to prove that to myself.

However, it is not as intense as I made it sound. I would work hard, but my brain would not fast forward to the end result. I keep self doubt close, so that I won't forget to be grounded. So even when things do not work out, I move on quite easily.
Unless if I fail. If I fail, then my world would tumble down. But even then I would not give up. I guess, no matter how bad I am at something, I would never admit that I couldn't do it. I am ambitious, driven, arrogant and refuse to be defeated.

I like that about myself.
What I have a slight problem with is my inability to establish human connections. I mean, I have no problem being friendly. I am in no way, introverted. When it is required of me, I socialise. Quite well.
I just don't really fancy it. If I were given a choice between talking to people or being on my own. I would choose the latter 9 out of 10 times.

As a result, I have few real friends. I don't make friends easily. And I have trouble maintaining the connections with the friends I already made.

Does this bother me? A bit, probably. But not enough to change. Because I am comfortable, strange enough. Loneliness allows me to think and develop my thoughts.
I don't have it easy though. I'm not naturally smart or pretty or driven.
I am lazy. My motivation as of now is my scholarship.

Other than that, I have very little going on for me.
I am okay though.
I am content although I wish I could be more.

I like where I am right now. I've been happier, but I was also younger. I grew up I guess, in the process I realised that sometimes the things that matter to people such as, friendship and life experiences might not correlate with what I think matter in life.
I think what matter most are ambition and individuality. And that's okay. People have their inclinations.

And it might sometimes not be okay for me as well. I am after all, still human and I get envious. But I always return to my default state. I am in a state of a serene acceptance. Nothing euphoric nor melancholic. I do my best in my situation and I would leave it at that.

Alhamdulillah for my life.

And kita berjumpa lagi di post yang seterusnya! Toodaloo~~

Growth

Life has been tiring. And I am confined in a very narrow box stamped with "ASSIGNMENTS" on it.
I have a test in 3 days. And then finals in a week.

And I feel so normal.
Indifferent if you might say so.

I've been out of touch with many people. Feels like I have no one in this world but one person whom I see every day. Sometimes I feel lonely and other times, I don't think about it.

But this is not a melancholic reminiscent. It is not dramatic. It's like I've accepted how lonely I am. Some people have friends, I don't. I'm not trying to make any. I just don't particularly know how to be close to another being.

Is that strange?

I will be leaving to the States InsyaAllah in 4 months. For 9 months before I return home for summer. Lol. I've been crazy under a mountain of tests and assignments.

It was not my intention at all to write about any of this. I just let my thoughts ran and this all came out. Nevermind let's just call this post 'A Stream of Consciousness' post. Lol idk why i put that in quote but whatever.

Growing up, I've had expectations about life and everything. I always knew that I would not be staying in this country for degree. For some reason, I always kind of knew that I would start my adulthood so far away from the comfort of my home. It's not that I'm particularly excited about it either. It's not that I WANT to go out of the country. It's just, for some reason, I had a hunch.

I never thought I would be so awkward around new people. I never thought that I would not fit in at all. And most of all, I never thought I would be going there with well, my boyfriend.
lol.

And he is so annoying sometimes. Constantly there. I can't even hear myself think sometimes because he surrounds me so much. But I love him. But I feel trapped. But he is so kind to me. He walked me everywhere, carry my books for me, fetch me and send me home which is 15 minutes away from his home every single day. He takes care of me when I'm sick. Look at me with sad eyes when I'm stressed about a test and will not talk because I don't talk when I'm sad or feel bad. And I sometimes feel so trapped in his kindness. His way of talking and how he scrunch up his nose when he laughs. And I don't doubt him. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

But how do one feel like this and still feel so claustrophobic at the same times.

He's good to me. But he doesn't like it that I like to be alone. I don't know what is wrong with me but sometimes when I have a particular bad day, I want to be alone. And being the kind guy that he is, he would leave me alone. But I don't feel alone. And he won't let me feel alone. There is something terribly unsettling about knowing that someone is on the other end just waiting for you to feel okay. Waiting for you. For some reason.

Is it good or is it bad?

Why do I need to feel like I'm alone all the time. Why do I seldom feel bothered with the fact that I don't have any friends. Why do I feel so content walking around running errands alone and not wanting people to tag along because I think they would anchor me down.

Something huge has changed within me. I feel trapped when I'm not alone. I feel solemn when I realise I'm lonely but I always knew my default state is loneliness.
I don't see the point in my parents coming for my graduation day because it's just 2 hours of speeches and me on the stage to take my certificate for 5 seconds. I take no notice for pictures or memories.

This has been a stream of consciousness and I feel bored writing.
So toodaloo.

Strange Occurence

I'm a generally oblivious person.
Or that's what I want people to think.

In reality I'm a very self-aware person. And self-awareness of course would usually come with self-scrutiny that would lead to insecurity.

I'm aware I'm fat and not that pretty but I've generally came to terms with that. I'm not that distressed about it. Because for the most part I don't really care how other people perceive me. So yes I don't know what point I'm coming to here but bear with me.

It's an interesting paradox: I feel insecure when I scrutinize myself but I don't care about what other people think of me. It's a paradox because well, generally when people are insecure, it's caused by other people's perception of them.

Like a really bad picture of me at the most unflattering angle would be posted up by a friend; she would post it up on her Instagram account to 500++ followers but I'd be absolutely void of the urge to ask her to take the picture down or anything. But I'd notice the sinking feeling of 'Oh, that's how I look like in real life'.

I guess what gets me through the day is extreme denial. I would avoid looking at the mirror at all cost. I absolutely hate my reflection. And yet again, if someone were to come up to me and say 'Hey Elsa, you're fat!' I would scoff at them and reply, 'ok'. Because it is a fact, an unpleasant one, but it shouldn't bother other people but me.

And it does bother me. I just.. am very good at pretending. I convinced myself that I don't care and forced myself into oblivion. And strangely, it works. Really well.

But I do break down a lot. Whenever I do accidentally glance at the mirror, I break down. Or when I notice my boyfriend's lingering stare at a girl much thinner and prettier than me, I'll cry.
It's a pathetic thing to admit.

But here, at this little space, I feel brave enough to pull my mask down. Oh, how I miss you blog.

It's sad; the only person I feel safe to talk to is a person called Internet.

Life is like a flashlight flashlight~~

It's been supeeeer long since I've typed anything in this space of mine. And wow this would need a little getting use to.

So first off, I'm still in INTEC. Still deeply uneasy and to a certain extent, unhappy. But I have received offers from unis in the States. So it seems like I would be leaving Malaysia quite soon. In August, hopefully.

For once, I decided that I'm happy about that particular prospect. I said I don't like change. And I don't. Change had proven to have malicious intent when it comes to me. Why else would I end up in INTEC? Surrounded by people I have zero compatibility with? I have come to the point of giving up trying to build friendships there. Like always, I am too different.

Actually no.
I'm not always too different. I found my place in Sri Aman, strangely. It's a small spot, insignificant to most people I encounter, but I feel like I belong there. I always have a place there no matter what class I'm in or what subjects I'm learning.

But I guess I can't always have a safety tether. Sometimes life is a jungle, filled with venomous slithering reptiles and you just have to navigate your way safely. So in short Sri Aman is my safety tether and INTEC is that venomous, slithering, icky, weird-looking, mutated reptile waiting to gnaw and sever my veins, flesh and skin and then take my soul to sell it to the devil for a measly dollar just to spite me.

Yes I know it's a hyper hyperbole but that's how I feel about INTEC most of the time.
Everything is wrong about it. My room is too hot, my classmates too different, my subjects too difficult and me, too fat. I have been basically drowning my sorrows with food.

The deep rooted dislike for INTEC is not to be confused with my gratefulness. I am grateful to the Almighty for granting me this wonderful opportunity and I love that I would have the chance to see and live in another country for at least 4 years. I want the whole experience. I want to be in the States accomplishing things.

INTEC is just a hurdle that I have to go through to be where I'm meant to be.

Okay I guess it's worth mentioning that I just paused for a moment to  think of something good to write about INTEC. Because in spite of things, I still want to remain objective. But there's absolutely nothing I'd miss about INTEC when I'm gone.

I don't want to fit in too. I'm very secure with who I am. I mean it's not like I go about everyday trying to make those people want me or invite me to things they're going to. In fact, I'm pretty glad if they don't invite me to things. I don't really fancy their company.

Wow Elsa you're not holding back are you. But what the heck, this is a safe space.

However, I am guilty of making this blog post seem extremely unorganize. Jumping from one thoughts to another. Sentence fragments scattered because I'm too lazy to complete my thought.

If anyone google INTEC and somehow ended up here, well don't take my word for it. It's not a pleasant experience me but it could be for you. People around me seem very delighted to be there.

ABRUPT ENDING!