Emotions

So I just watched a video on Buzzfeed titled "What makes men cry?". It basically revolved around the absolute stigma that men have to face surrounding crying or any display of emotions. Men are considered masculine so crying, in a way, would cripple that image.

I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.

I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am.  As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.

I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.

I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.

I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.

Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.

There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.