Small Win

I had a goal when I decided that the US will be where I continue my tertiary education. I love learning and I love being excellent. I never experienced this kind of passion when I was in high school. In fact, everyday felt like I was tied to a shackle. But when I started learning things in Drake, I found my passion.

I also found out that hard work reciprocates. I found out that I was capable of doing things I never imagined of doing. Who would've thought that little old me would lead a team of 12 people and sold out 370 tickets to an amateur show. Tickets were priced at $10 each when all of the other cultural shows had a truckload of funding and were able to sell tickets at $2. Then came the highlight of the year when we won the Most Outstanding Social Program Award in the whole of University. I made that possible.

I did not sleep and chased down and talked to anyone who would listen how Malaysian Night 2016 would change your life. I was rejected and talked over and talked about. All the while struggling to maintain relatively good grades.

But this semester, I drowned. Classes were getting harder, things were picking up at breakneck pace and for the first time in my life, hard work did not reciprocate. Hard work failed me. I felt like I was shaken to my core. That everything I thought I knew was false and I had been deluding myself.

I am not this excellent person I aspire to be. I am just a girl doing everything she can and gets lucky once in a while. It was... awful.

It have never felt that way before. I was faithless in my ability and what I knew. I am becoming timid and quiet because I feel so small all the time. Because I felt failure over and over again despite my best efforts.

And I began to think what if this is it? What if this is my limit? I never entertained the possibility that there is a limit to what I can achieve. But this was it. I finally realized my full potential and its just downhill from here.

I am questioning everything I know. And that is the hardest thing that I have had to do so far in my entire life. I didn't have a lot going for me but I could count on myself. Now, I can't anymore.

But today, after staying up all night and working on the Model Arab League conference that I will be going in November, my team leader told me that my sample resolution was the best in our small team of 8 people. And I am reminded of why I work so hard. It is because of this simple wins in life that reminded me although I can't do everything, I can do some things and I can do it well.

It reminded me that I don't have to trade my tendency for hard work with cynicism. I needed a small win today, and goodness it felt so good when I got it.