I've got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright

There will a come a point in your life where you wonder whether you're just being extremely melodramatic or your problem is truly as big as it seems.

I brush off all of my close to tears moments lately as me being melodramatic. I chastise myself for feeling low. Basically, I've turned myself against me.

I thought I should be free to feel however I want to feel.

But I can't. I feel weak and disgusted with myself every time I feel any sort of emotions at all.  I don't know what conclusion I'm coming to. Just bear with me.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - Eleanor Roosevelt.

That sounds so awfully simple doesn't it? And that's why I feel repulsed with myself every time I get hurt or feel sad. Because I let myself be in that position. I let people make me feel inferior. They couldn't have done it without my consent. 

I let people into my life. I let them stay on my mind. And the worst part is, I trust them.

Nothing good ever comes out from trusting anyone. And to trust someone with your heart? With your emotion? You might as well hand them a knife and tell them to stab you when you're not looking. It'd hurt less.

And there I go, making myself sound like I belong in a 12 years running soap opera. It really is the truth though.

People aren't nice.

I've come to that conclusion long ago. I'm not bitter nor cynical. I haven't lost faith in humanity. But people are by nature aggressive and they'd always put their needs above anyone else's. It's not their fault, it's basic survival instinct.

I'm not blessed with that instinct, however. And I'm not saying that I'm nice as well. You be the judge of that. But I worry a lot.

I worry what consequences my actions could bring to other people. I worry that I did someone wrong. I worry if I had affected anyone negatively all the time.

So I don't understand when people purposely hurt me, fully knowing that their actions hurt me. They don't seem to mind at all. 

I'm not playing the victim card now. I'm fully aware that I'm the reason why I'm here. I'll guard myself better. I won't let anyone into my life. I won't trust anyone with any secrets of mine.

And then I'll pray to be safe from getting hurt. I'll pray that I won't feel that much.

I've been crazy lately ~

Just a random post. I'm bored and it's midterms and well, in time of loneliness this blog hasn't failed me yet.

During BM paper 1 today I wrote; 'Mengikut kajian Unit Analisis Sikap, Biro Penyiasat Persekutuan Amerika Syarikat, semua pembunuh bersiri rata-rata lahir dari keluarga yang tidak menunjukkan kasih sayang'. I feel good  about myself all day today because of that.
Criminal Minds knowledge is applicable in daily life, mind you.

My right carpal has been hurting since Holes production practice. Siiigh. Being the clumsy mouse (I choose mouse because I feel cute as of now) that I am, I tripped over the piles of sand repeatedly while vigorously ~directing~. I broke all my falls with my right hand. And now, it won't stop hurting. Of course, the pain will only present itself while I do things that involve wrist movements but yeah. This sucks. Because it turns out that writing involves a lot of wrist movements. And today was Sejarah Paper 2 and BM paper 1. I wrote a total of 11 pages of essays.
And now my wrist up to my neck and shoulder hurts.

(I'm secretly hoping that this would impair my ability to write and I wouldn't have to sit for the other mid term papers. Or I would have to but I could like.. sit my paper using cool methods like having to type in all my answers instead of writing them lolz)


 Tomorrow would be Maths Paper 2 and English Paper 1. Heh.

I wonder why they have to have so many papers.
Zz

nope nope. no.
I refuse to be in this position again.

No.

I'm not a freaking punching bag.

Some nights I stay up

I don't know.
There are just too many things to figure out.

So I decided to be alone. So that I can figure those things out by myself. But I think being in my own company is just messing up my head more than ever.

I guess I have't been in this state for a very long time now. Life has been pretty fine and dandy for me before this. I guess you can't be fine and dandy all the time sigh.
For the most part, tearing up isn't my forte anymore. I find myself having too much ego to even cry. Is that bad?

I think it is. It sucks to be so.. insecure that you can't cry even when you're alone.

I'm proud of myself though, for not running to the ones who are familiar to me in light of recent problems I'm facing. I get it now that some things have no solutions and telling people about them sometimes lead to.. nothing. And them not being able to offer any solution will lead me to a very easily irritable mood.

But I feel.. so alone.
Although loneliness is probably not the worst thing in the world.

I guess maybe just for once I should admit to the fact that I'm.. just.. sad.
I should work towards not being sad anymore instead of just ignoring the fact and fake laugh my way out of stuffs.

And I'm sure this will past. Whatever feeling I'm feeling right now will eventually pass.
I'm sure I'll be okay again.

I'm sure.

April has ended O.O

And my post count for the month of April is... 2.

O.O

Woah.

Take a sad song and make it better ~

In an ideal world..

1) My short hair won't stick up in a weird way making my head shaped more like yield sign than a human head.
2) I would fit into a size 22 jeans.
3) I can eat all I want and never get fat.
4) I would have never ending supply of anchovies.
5) all Grey's Anatomy songs will be downloaded automatically just as soon as I heard it.
6) I have time to catch up on all of my tv shows.
7) I would know how I feel and towards whom that I feel those things to.
8) I didn't involve myself in too many school activities.
9) I didn't have to sit for SPM.
10) social interaction won't be too nauseating.
11) I would understand things.
12) I won't have to learn Physics, Chemistry or Bio.
13) English in Literature is taught as a core subject within school hours and I would have it everyday.
14) I don't have the conscience to feel bad for hurting those who've hurt me.
15) people would stop complaining so much.
16) no one lashes out on anyone when they're under stress.
17) people get easily offended and I would enjoy the look on their face when I offend them instead of not having enough guts to offend anyone.


My ideal world would be filled with serial killers related shows, good music, great books, money for me to spend on clothes and handsome guys who are interested in me.

Lol just thinking about this is making me feel all giddy inside.

You're the lucky ones

I think, I think I've been trying to change.
And I think I succeeded in making those changes.

For one thing, I don't get emotional anymore. This is a total contrast from whatever creature I was a year ago. But it's quite peculiar, seeing as the change happened so subtly I didn't even notice it at first. It was like.. something snapped within me, leaving me with very little patience towards everything involving any sorts of emotions. I think it's pretty obvious how little I care about things nowadays.

What bothers me though is the arrogance that comes along with this new found indifference. I was ashamed of whom I was before this. I realized that now.
I was so icky and fragile and overly emotional about everything.

Now, I think I'm above everyone else. I lose respect towards people who displays any sorts of emotional attachment into anything that I deem petty. This mostly involves my peers. My peers who break down when a school project threatens to fall apart, my peers who cry when their boyfriends leave them.

I used to be one of them.

But the way I see it, I rose above that. I realized my mistake. I realized how useless it was to get too emotional attached. I'm irked with myself.
The real reason why I lose respect for these kind of people is because they don't learn. They don't realize. They don't care enough to reflect on themselves and see how pointless it is to invest emotionally into the things they get emotional about.

And as I mentioned earlier, this new trait of mine bothers me. I'm not a bad person, at least I don't think I am. I don't curse people. I don't hate people for no reason. In fact, if they don't directly harm me, whatever they do is none of my business.

But I can't help what I feel inside can I? It's not like I display my lost of respect towards them. I keep everything to myself. Me, pouring out on this blog isn't meant for anyone else. It's merely my own self discovery.

And I know some things are important to people. So important that they get emotionally attached. And it has nothing to do with me. By all means, be emotional. I'm just saying that at the event that I do witness these emotions, I will get annoyed.

I think people owe it to themselves and to other people to suppress their display of emotions and keep it to themselves until they're in private or in the presence of the people they trust. It's uncomfortable to see a stranger/mere acquaintance getting worked up or breaking down in public. I don't know how to comfort them. And there's this stigma if a person doesn't react to tears. I will be directly affected by that stigma.

It seems like I don't empathize anymore. But I think the things that induce my peers to tears are very petty things. Avoidable things. And I can't sympathize with that.

Am I a bad person then?