Tonight we are young~

No more frustration, no more anger.

No more sparks, no more laughter,

No more darkness, no light either.

The only thing that is here is well, busyness and distractions. Maybe having something to look forward to would be ideal. Would fill this empty void. Perhaps.

Not another human being of course. They only complicate things. 

Or maybe I'm being ungrateful.

So many things are happening around me; mostly it involves school. Well my social scene is only limited to school anyway. 

And I like school.

But there has to be more to life than.. that.. Than staying back every single day and going back home to study at night. Surely. 

Or maybe this is as good as it gets.

omg I can't summon that sanguine blogging mood anymore.

How sad :'c

Had me believing it was always something that I had done ~~

Now that the surgery is done, the headache still prolongs. Dilemma.

What do I say to my parents? They'd be worried. 

What if the headache never goes away.

The surgery was expensive. And to find out what's wrong with me (now that the surgery has proven to be in vain) would be even more expensive. I'm so tired of going in and out of the hospital.

Do I keep it to myself?

What if it's something serious? But then again, what if it's not?

Headaches sound so mild though. But it doesn't feel mild at all. 

I guess pain killers is the solution.

Loads and loads of pain killers.

Sigh

'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes'
'Peace upon thy heart'

:c

Swerve.

Avoid.

Miss.

Few more months more to go. You'll be just fine Elsa.

Run for your life

True, life is about ups and downs.
But what do you do when you feel like you're going through more downs than ups? I tell myself that I'm fine. And I am. But there are certain times when I know that I am not.
The worst part is, I can't talk to anyone because.. well.. I've talked to everyone.

And they can't offer me solutions. I can't offer myself solutions. So now I'm in a rut. I've been in that rut for quite a while now.

But life goes on. And I feel like I'm being left behind. I find myself struggling to just have a breather. I find myself wondering when does it get better for me. I know the root to my all of these ~feelings~. And apparently it's a taboo so I can't talk about it.

But you can't lie to yourself. No matter how hard you try, you just can't.
I did everything though. Everything in my power to be better. But it's not enough. And there's nothing left for me to do anymore except wait. And I've waited so long. So many things have changed. But I'm still stuck here.
I've used up all my emotional crutches - my friends so to speak. But harsh word were uttered. There are no longer kind understanding on their part just rushed 'it has been too long now, you should have gotten over it by now'. And I can't argue because they are right. I know they are.

But knowing that they're right left me feeling so.. alone. And loneliness sucks.

More than that really, even I'm starting to resent myself. That's not news. But I've been doing so more than usual lately. That's worse than feeling alone. It's worse than feeling so weighed down you can barely breathe. It's like you're having a constant battle with yourself. And the weaker part of you always finds a way to feel so low that you have to cry yourself to sleep in order the function properly again the next day.

And now I'm past the point of wondering when will I get out of this rut. I've relented to the fact that I probably never will. And no matter how far I travel, no matter what I achieve, I just know that I will always be in that rut.
I will always feel this empty.
And I will always be this lonely.

All you are is mean

Hellish is probably the most suitable word I can describe myself.
Well, just had my surgery. It was a minor one. Minor surgery doesn't exclude pain post-op it turns out.
Lol how could I be so naive to think that I'd be just fine after the surgery?

I would go into detail of how the surgery went. Parts that I could remember anyway. But it's very depressing, even for me.
And so here I am again, being a big baby about this whole thing, but it hurts when a person cut pieces of your nose bone. It really does :c

And it still hurts now. And blood can't stop gushing out of my nose. Sometimes I puke blood clots because the blood from my nose decide to travel down my throat. It's the most uncomfortable experience I've ever gone through.

SIiiIiighhhhHh.