Doubts

I am in love with a very amazing guy. I am quite private about it. I could say it in writing but you'd never catch me saying that out loud in person. I mean we don't even utter those words to each other. We used to, when it was all new and exciting... but not anymore.

He is amazing.
Today, he walked almost 3 km to where I'm staying right now because I wanted chicken breasts to cook. It was freezing outside. The other day, he did the same thing because I needed painkillers for my headaches.

When he does all of that, I have no qualms in pledging myself to spend the rest of my life with him. In fact, I'm quite certain that's what I want. It would be wonderful.

I am not a passionate person. I am practical. I am compassionate to ideals and people who need help. But I am cold when it is required of me to make personal connections. That is my worst disadvantage.

Sometimes I find it disconcerting that he snagged me when I was the opposite. When I was young, wide-eyed and so ready to love. When personal relationships were my top priority instead of an inconvenience that I regard it now.

I was mushy and desperate for love, as many other teenagers are. In my desperate need for validation, I turn to him. It did not started out as an equal partnership. He was not always nice to me. I put him on a pedestal and it was not healthy.

But then we grew up. I did not reevaluate my choices. He's always in the sideline, a sure thing afterwards. I do not need any more drama that I was once so engulfed in. We both changed. The pushover girl was gone; I became reserved. Reserved with emotions, demeanours, words and expressions. In fact, I was so reserved that whenever we have a fight, the word he would most utter is "selfish".

Am I?
I don't know.

He changed too. From the cold-hearted guy who did not seem to care much about me, he cares too much. He walks too far from me. Spends too much money. And I don't think I ever reciprocated.
And yet, when the fight gets a little bit too heated and everything seems to tumble down, I would always be the one who would throw in the towel first. I would be the one who wants to run away. He would hold down the fort.

Truth is, I feel like I'm in the position of power. I once gave too much and receive too little and now that things have turned around, I don't know how to let the power go.

I love him. I see that he has changed. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. So why can't I give up that power? I feel bad for him. I know I love him, but if I won't walk 3 km to deliver chicken to him as he would do for me, what does that make me?

Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
I think I am lol.

I don't know.

That's what scares me the most. After a long fight, I would always pledge to change. To let him in. To not be so quick to make a run for it. And believe me I tried.

But there's always a lump in my throat when I would feel like making peace. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't. Fleeing seems like the much more attractive option. I am not a teenager anymore. Things are not spelled out in the form of childish dreams.

He is not my prince charming and I am not a damsel-in-distress. Dreaming of being taken away in a ball gown living happily ever after. Everything is much more real now. Moving forward, I might actually get married to this guy.

I am worried that I would not be able to figure this tangle out before the true demanding convictions of adulthood forces its presence onto both of us.
I really am.