I am so hurt... that I want to just curl up in a ball and just cry.

I loathe the fact that I have transitioned into this girl once again.

Hoping for him to care about me and feeling so weak all the time.

I'm losing sense of myself and who I am as a person because one person decided that I'm not good enough for them. 

That I care about them more than they care about me. 

And instead of wishing I gain my strength again, I wish that they would care about me. And everytime I think about them, I just feel that feeling at the pit of my stomach like I have been punched and I know that I'm losing another piece of myself.

And I was so young and stupid. I thought I had grown up and I'm not codependent on someone in my life. But I am.

And it was okay when he was codepending on me too. But now, his feelings changed and I'm left behind. Like I don't matter and everything that I feel don't matter. And everytime I look at him I just that girl. And how because of her, he realized that I'm not good enough for him.

When I know I am. And I know this is not my fault. 

But I don't see how I can be better.

I am also tired.

I'm tired of trying to justify the fact that I keep someone so close to me around. I am bothered that I limit myself to the absolute monotony of being with 1 person at all times. Is it worth it to invest this much time and getting upset over virtually nothing?

Reflection

Fall 2015 semester drew to a close and I am left feeling... honestly, relieved.

It was not a good semester for me. This is the semester when I extend myself too far and way too much. I felt like I could do it all and nothing is out of my reach. My philosophy was that life is as hard or as easy as you made it out to be. You always find time. 

This semester, I started taking 100 level courses which meant that everything gets way harder that they were when I was a freshman. I am doing a double degree in both Actuarial Science and International Relations. Both demand so  much of my time and energy but I love doing both equally. So I stacked myself up with 15 credit hours. I also took a 15 hours per week job. I became the head of screenplay for this year's International Night. I was involved in projects in Enactus. I was also the secretary for Kelab UMNO Iowa. You stacked all of those together and you get a very tired me.

I am honestly not making excuses because I used to be stringent believer that people who make excuses are weak-willed. You can always find time. Don't sleep if you have to, don't eat if you have to. The only thing that mattered is your work.

My IR classes demanded so much reading and writing and my Act Sci classes are ridden with tests and homework every other week. I go to work at 8 am and I return home no sooner than 9 pm. There were days when I would only get home at 12 am. I cook for my housemates every Monday and Wednesday so on both of those days, I would have to be awake before 6 am. My weekends are also filled with meetings, practices and volunteer works. When I'm not at work, I'm at the library studying. I was tired but there was no warning signs until my arm gave up on me.

I used to think that the only tired part of me is my brain and no one can see that so it's not real. It's not real pain. But whenever I am worked up, my whole body started to ache. The worst that has been affected is my left arm, from being suspended for too long while I read and write and do things on my computer. It has been weeks since I could use my left arm properly. And the pain is constantly there but subsided when I rest quite enough. But finals have been over for a week now and my arm is no better. I don't know, I feel strangely solemn about this experience.

Somehow, I pulled through. I am now only put together by tapes and glue but it taught me an important thing: you can't have it all. There are things in this world that are not meant to be. I put my everything into everything that I do, But you don't get to do everything and still believe the universe will reciprocate. Something, somehow has got to give and instead of being mediocre and some of things I aspire to do, I was mediocre with myself. I did not take care of myself, and now I'm paying a hefty price for it. 

Next semester will be better I hope. 

I hope.

Goodnight you

I am so out of touch with writing and being creative.

But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.

As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.

Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?

When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.

Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.

Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.

But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.

Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.

 Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.

We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.

I am uncertain that we're worth it.

I am certain that I love you.

I am certain that you love me.

But I don't know if we're worth it. I don't know that when this pain disappears that I will ever look at you the same way again.

I don't know.

"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about" 

Why I'm a feminist

I don't have the privilege to ignore misogynists and their damaging perspectives. My fellow women are systematically oppressed by the same mentality. I have been a personal victim of such mentality although I realize that my experience in the grand scheme of things pale in comparison. If I don't do anything, I am a part of the problem.

I don't dream of tackling every reason why I am a feminist. I am a feminist for far too many reasons. But this particular tweet resonated to the deep seated disgust I feel for aurat crusaders in particular.
I am paraphrasing but:

"Kenapa nak marah lelaki tengok kalau pakai seluar ketat dan tank top? Pakai baju ketat apa niatnya?" 

There're so many ignorance in one statement, I can barely deal. If you click on the tweet and you dare read the comments below it, you would see how patriarchal our society is. Someone had the audacity to say

"Patut kau video tape je orang yang pakai macam ni. Baru diorang tau". 

If that does not make you lose all faith in men, I don't know what will.

Firstly, you should extend common decency to women on the basis of her being a human. It is common decency to know that it's rude to point and stare at people. Mak bapak tak ajar ke? How that person dress and how they look on the outside is irrelevant.  You dehumanize a woman when you tell her she has no right to get angry when she is treated because of the way she dresses.

How better are you than they guy I met at a truck stop in Chicago who called me a terrorist because of my Hijab? Both of you judge women by what she chose to wear so really you're no better. You are both scums of the earth and I pray that you would not reproduce.

You cling to the ability to disrespect women. Why? Do you believe it's your right to be an asshole? What kind of person fight so hard to disrespect other people? I would assume that you are a bad person if you are so passionate about hurting someone. You deny someone's lived experiences, and at the same time, vilify them because they dare to feel uncomfortable for being stared at. Again, what kind of a person are you?

Secondly, you argue about the intentions of women who dress that way. You argue that their intentions are clear: they want men's attention. So they had no rights to get mad when they are stared at. How high is the horse you're sitting at if you think that women only do things for you? What's the point of her getting mad at the impolite staring if that was the response she wanted? Who are you to tell someone who felt like she was violated by men who ogled at her that she was wrong? Are you God to know what's going on inside her? If you're not God why are you taking God's works, judging and punishing?

The analogy is simple: you uses the iPhone 6 and of course, you would use it in public. If the phone is thieved, would it be okay for people to assume that you wanted for your phone to get taken from you? Instead of blaming the thief, they are blaming you for using your phone in broad daylight. How would you like that?

Never mind the fact that a woman's journey of submission to her Creator is pure and scared. When I don the Hijab, I get reminded of modesty; I feel closer to my Creator because I am following His orders. I submit to Him and to Him only. I can't imagine covering up out of intimidation from the men around me who gets horny by the sight of my bare arms. Who would stick their necks out to defend their rights to ogle at me if I dare to wear any formfitting outfit. Who would do more to name and shame women who show their hair than to condemn the absolute monstrosity of domestic violence and rape culture.

Men who go on these crusades taint my fellow sisters' journey to submission. They reduce the absolute sanctity of Islam's call to cover up. They make it about themselves and their utter lack of self control.

 I pray that Allah will guide all these kinds of men. Until then, I will rid myself from these misogynists and hopefully do what I can to educate my future son and brothers so that at least, in my family line I can stop this misogynistic cycle.

Call me a feminazi if you'd like; because I have already formed my opinion about you and all the men who after reading my lengthy explanation, would still fight for their rights to be assholes.

Emotions

So I just watched a video on Buzzfeed titled "What makes men cry?". It basically revolved around the absolute stigma that men have to face surrounding crying or any display of emotions. Men are considered masculine so crying, in a way, would cripple that image.

I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.

I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am.  As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.

I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.

I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.

I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.

Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.

There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.

What I learned freshman year

Halo everyone!

My writing mojo seems to revisit me today lol idk why don't ask me. Anyway I am back in Malaysia woohoo. I don't know who I am telling that info to as everyone who would read this post would already know that I'm back in Malaysia but whatever.

Okay so my first year in Drake University has concluded. I am mostly neutral about it. In fact, it hasn't even hit me that my first year has ended until I started writing this blog post.

Being back with my family after 9 months of being apart is really something... special. I don't say that lightly because God knows emotions are my worst enemy. But I've been feeling really content ever since I came home which is really good. I am that point in my life where drama is non-existent and everything is smooth sailing.
Gosh. I am an adult now.

I found out I learned a lot being on my own, abroad, half a world away from home. And I guess I would like to commemorate those lessons. So I've learned that:

1. I made the absolutely best decision coming to Drake. Here, I discovered that learning is my true passion. It can be highly technical such as Calculus and it can be highly creative such as Philosophy, but not once do I feel burdened by what I have to learn or what I have to do. Assignments are relentless but when you enjoy doing them, it feels so liberating. Of course, sometimes there are bumps in the road-- mostly stemming from the fact that I want to produce the absolute best in my study career and sometimes I realize that my efforts are not enough. But in the end, passion prevails. I have passion for what I'm learning and what I do and goodness gracious, life just feels purposeful. Alhamdulillah.
2. going to Drake with my best friend is the absolute best decision ever. I don't know how else I would have fared without him. When I'm frustrated, I tend to bottle everything up inside. Usually. But with him, (although he is never a willing participant), I can just... be myself. I can be as frustrated as I want, I can be as psycho and paranoid as I want. He keeps me sane. More than that really, we are growing up together. Experiencing new things together. I just feel so lucky to always be able to count on someone and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.
3. snow isn't that great. Sure, it's pretty to look at but it gets in your $80 boots which claimed to be water-proof but is really a pair of disappointments made in China.
4.  I don't like being abroad that much. If I could get the same experience in Drake as I would get studying locally, I would move back in a blink of an eye.
5. flights are the bane of my existence. I detest long-haul flights.
6. I have softened a lot since moving away. It is really easy to find the good in people instead of focusing on the bad. It's easier for me to find the compassion to be understanding instead of being rigid in my ways. Of course, it is still really hard for me to become personal with people but I think I'm getting there? Lol I hope so.
7. being nice isn't the same as being a pushover. I am still struggling to draw the line but I think I am faring well.
8. being happy for people is really liberating. I used to get jealous of people. Now, it's really that easy to feel good for someone. To congratulate people for their achievements or to compliment someone for how they dress. It feels really positive and really warm inside to be able to do that and do that sincerely.
9. I can't live without my cat. I love it so much that I can't imagine ever parting with it. And I am afraid of my own attachment.
10. Forever 21's clothes are really low in quality but I still buy them anyway because they're cheap.
11. money will never be enough and I suck at saving them.
12. I am never entirely happy with myself but that's a good thing because that means there is room for improvements and I can never be complacent.

That was a long post. I guess there are some other things but nothing more comes to mind. 

I am an entirely different person from who I am 3 years ago. And good it feels so good to know that change is constant. I hope that I will continue to grow and to be able to be someone I am truly proud of.

Someday.