I would have followed you till the end of the world if I had to.
I would.

And why is it that my first instinct when you hurt me is to apologize to you so you would come back to me?
I am stronger than this.

See the thing about depending your happiness upon others is you have no control over how they act to you. And I know that's not what I want. To give up my emotional stability to keep one person around.

Maybe it's me. I'm overly emotional and so difficult. Whatever it is, I concede that we have no place together in this world.

I would have done so much for you but you ran far away from me when I showed a few signs of distress and then decided to come back when it is convenient. When I'm OK. When I'm no longer the emotional mess you triggered. When the bad episode on that humid night passed to be replaced with sorrowful resignation in the morning.

I feel so lonely. But I'm OK.

For now.

I feel my legs heavy

My shoulders drooping

And I took the slowest steps ever 

And I remember how you told me to be vulnerable

To open myself up to love

And then you went away.

With her.

I remember that warm afternoon as I was shouting at you

The grass was green and it was 27 degrees

Maybe because I felt myself being reduced into sheer nothingness

Stripped away from my dignity and the love I am so ready to give,

I told you to choose.

I was scared before.

I was terrified you would say you're choosing her.

And you told me you don't know.

But how can you not know?

I was beside you when you were struggling, puking your guts out

I was there to help you through your visa application

And your college essays

I was there to see you through because I love you.

I could finally see how I have wasted 6 years of my life

Waiting.

Struggling.

Loving.

And now I'm reduced to nothing.

Checking my blank screen every 3 minutes

Hoping.

Hoping for something I shouldn't be hoping for.

I forgot about my self-worth.

I remembered to be forgiving. And kind. And I remembered feeling a kick in the gut from not being wanted. And I remembered being stumped not knowing what to do and being in denial. Taking that rejection as being reflective of who I am as a person. 

And I forgot about being happy.

I thought being happy meant being accepted. It means fighting and being unselfish. 

But I am a good person. And I know I don't deserve this. And I want someone or something to blame but all I can blame is myself. For being weak and disgusting.

I know I have to be strong and it pains me that I have no capacity for that. That I am a pushover and despite talking big, I'm actually very small. 

I don't need anyone but I have summed myself up into being contingent on one person. One person who just doesn't care about me beyond what he would think is socially acceptable. And I, despite myself have built him up in my head, put him on a pedestal and continuously punish myself for... losing him.

And I want to desperately ask "what about me?". I would shout it out into the world but I live in a cave and the only voice who will answer back is my pathetic echo. 

And despite myself and everyone else, I know I will internalize this self hate and I will be laying awake all night.

Because while he's out there, I'm in here. Clutching my heart because I thought it's literally going to break. I want to believe that I'm stronger than this.

But I'm not.

I am so hurt... that I want to just curl up in a ball and just cry.

I loathe the fact that I have transitioned into this girl once again.

Hoping for him to care about me and feeling so weak all the time.

I'm losing sense of myself and who I am as a person because one person decided that I'm not good enough for them. 

That I care about them more than they care about me. 

And instead of wishing I gain my strength again, I wish that they would care about me. And everytime I think about them, I just feel that feeling at the pit of my stomach like I have been punched and I know that I'm losing another piece of myself.

And I was so young and stupid. I thought I had grown up and I'm not codependent on someone in my life. But I am.

And it was okay when he was codepending on me too. But now, his feelings changed and I'm left behind. Like I don't matter and everything that I feel don't matter. And everytime I look at him I just that girl. And how because of her, he realized that I'm not good enough for him.

When I know I am. And I know this is not my fault. 

But I don't see how I can be better.

I am also tired.

I'm tired of trying to justify the fact that I keep someone so close to me around. I am bothered that I limit myself to the absolute monotony of being with 1 person at all times. Is it worth it to invest this much time and getting upset over virtually nothing?

Reflection

Fall 2015 semester drew to a close and I am left feeling... honestly, relieved.

It was not a good semester for me. This is the semester when I extend myself too far and way too much. I felt like I could do it all and nothing is out of my reach. My philosophy was that life is as hard or as easy as you made it out to be. You always find time. 

This semester, I started taking 100 level courses which meant that everything gets way harder that they were when I was a freshman. I am doing a double degree in both Actuarial Science and International Relations. Both demand so  much of my time and energy but I love doing both equally. So I stacked myself up with 15 credit hours. I also took a 15 hours per week job. I became the head of screenplay for this year's International Night. I was involved in projects in Enactus. I was also the secretary for Kelab UMNO Iowa. You stacked all of those together and you get a very tired me.

I am honestly not making excuses because I used to be stringent believer that people who make excuses are weak-willed. You can always find time. Don't sleep if you have to, don't eat if you have to. The only thing that mattered is your work.

My IR classes demanded so much reading and writing and my Act Sci classes are ridden with tests and homework every other week. I go to work at 8 am and I return home no sooner than 9 pm. There were days when I would only get home at 12 am. I cook for my housemates every Monday and Wednesday so on both of those days, I would have to be awake before 6 am. My weekends are also filled with meetings, practices and volunteer works. When I'm not at work, I'm at the library studying. I was tired but there was no warning signs until my arm gave up on me.

I used to think that the only tired part of me is my brain and no one can see that so it's not real. It's not real pain. But whenever I am worked up, my whole body started to ache. The worst that has been affected is my left arm, from being suspended for too long while I read and write and do things on my computer. It has been weeks since I could use my left arm properly. And the pain is constantly there but subsided when I rest quite enough. But finals have been over for a week now and my arm is no better. I don't know, I feel strangely solemn about this experience.

Somehow, I pulled through. I am now only put together by tapes and glue but it taught me an important thing: you can't have it all. There are things in this world that are not meant to be. I put my everything into everything that I do, But you don't get to do everything and still believe the universe will reciprocate. Something, somehow has got to give and instead of being mediocre and some of things I aspire to do, I was mediocre with myself. I did not take care of myself, and now I'm paying a hefty price for it. 

Next semester will be better I hope. 

I hope.

Goodnight you

I am so out of touch with writing and being creative.

But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.

As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.

Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?

When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.

Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.

Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.

But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.

Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.

 Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.

We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.

I am uncertain that we're worth it.

I am certain that I love you.

I am certain that you love me.

But I don't know if we're worth it. I don't know that when this pain disappears that I will ever look at you the same way again.

I don't know.

"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about"