What I learned freshman year

Halo everyone!

My writing mojo seems to revisit me today lol idk why don't ask me. Anyway I am back in Malaysia woohoo. I don't know who I am telling that info to as everyone who would read this post would already know that I'm back in Malaysia but whatever.

Okay so my first year in Drake University has concluded. I am mostly neutral about it. In fact, it hasn't even hit me that my first year has ended until I started writing this blog post.

Being back with my family after 9 months of being apart is really something... special. I don't say that lightly because God knows emotions are my worst enemy. But I've been feeling really content ever since I came home which is really good. I am that point in my life where drama is non-existent and everything is smooth sailing.
Gosh. I am an adult now.

I found out I learned a lot being on my own, abroad, half a world away from home. And I guess I would like to commemorate those lessons. So I've learned that:

1. I made the absolutely best decision coming to Drake. Here, I discovered that learning is my true passion. It can be highly technical such as Calculus and it can be highly creative such as Philosophy, but not once do I feel burdened by what I have to learn or what I have to do. Assignments are relentless but when you enjoy doing them, it feels so liberating. Of course, sometimes there are bumps in the road-- mostly stemming from the fact that I want to produce the absolute best in my study career and sometimes I realize that my efforts are not enough. But in the end, passion prevails. I have passion for what I'm learning and what I do and goodness gracious, life just feels purposeful. Alhamdulillah.
2. going to Drake with my best friend is the absolute best decision ever. I don't know how else I would have fared without him. When I'm frustrated, I tend to bottle everything up inside. Usually. But with him, (although he is never a willing participant), I can just... be myself. I can be as frustrated as I want, I can be as psycho and paranoid as I want. He keeps me sane. More than that really, we are growing up together. Experiencing new things together. I just feel so lucky to always be able to count on someone and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.
3. snow isn't that great. Sure, it's pretty to look at but it gets in your $80 boots which claimed to be water-proof but is really a pair of disappointments made in China.
4.  I don't like being abroad that much. If I could get the same experience in Drake as I would get studying locally, I would move back in a blink of an eye.
5. flights are the bane of my existence. I detest long-haul flights.
6. I have softened a lot since moving away. It is really easy to find the good in people instead of focusing on the bad. It's easier for me to find the compassion to be understanding instead of being rigid in my ways. Of course, it is still really hard for me to become personal with people but I think I'm getting there? Lol I hope so.
7. being nice isn't the same as being a pushover. I am still struggling to draw the line but I think I am faring well.
8. being happy for people is really liberating. I used to get jealous of people. Now, it's really that easy to feel good for someone. To congratulate people for their achievements or to compliment someone for how they dress. It feels really positive and really warm inside to be able to do that and do that sincerely.
9. I can't live without my cat. I love it so much that I can't imagine ever parting with it. And I am afraid of my own attachment.
10. Forever 21's clothes are really low in quality but I still buy them anyway because they're cheap.
11. money will never be enough and I suck at saving them.
12. I am never entirely happy with myself but that's a good thing because that means there is room for improvements and I can never be complacent.

That was a long post. I guess there are some other things but nothing more comes to mind. 

I am an entirely different person from who I am 3 years ago. And good it feels so good to know that change is constant. I hope that I will continue to grow and to be able to be someone I am truly proud of.

Someday.

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog.
My pageview is between 0-1 day by day but that is expected. In the off chance that anyone does read this blog, I have made this: ask.fm/elsaasri

You can ask me questions and stuff.
I'm never fond of interactions but that account might be interesting.

I'm sure this post is pointless but what the hell eh

Doubts

I am in love with a very amazing guy. I am quite private about it. I could say it in writing but you'd never catch me saying that out loud in person. I mean we don't even utter those words to each other. We used to, when it was all new and exciting... but not anymore.

He is amazing.
Today, he walked almost 3 km to where I'm staying right now because I wanted chicken breasts to cook. It was freezing outside. The other day, he did the same thing because I needed painkillers for my headaches.

When he does all of that, I have no qualms in pledging myself to spend the rest of my life with him. In fact, I'm quite certain that's what I want. It would be wonderful.

I am not a passionate person. I am practical. I am compassionate to ideals and people who need help. But I am cold when it is required of me to make personal connections. That is my worst disadvantage.

Sometimes I find it disconcerting that he snagged me when I was the opposite. When I was young, wide-eyed and so ready to love. When personal relationships were my top priority instead of an inconvenience that I regard it now.

I was mushy and desperate for love, as many other teenagers are. In my desperate need for validation, I turn to him. It did not started out as an equal partnership. He was not always nice to me. I put him on a pedestal and it was not healthy.

But then we grew up. I did not reevaluate my choices. He's always in the sideline, a sure thing afterwards. I do not need any more drama that I was once so engulfed in. We both changed. The pushover girl was gone; I became reserved. Reserved with emotions, demeanours, words and expressions. In fact, I was so reserved that whenever we have a fight, the word he would most utter is "selfish".

Am I?
I don't know.

He changed too. From the cold-hearted guy who did not seem to care much about me, he cares too much. He walks too far from me. Spends too much money. And I don't think I ever reciprocated.
And yet, when the fight gets a little bit too heated and everything seems to tumble down, I would always be the one who would throw in the towel first. I would be the one who wants to run away. He would hold down the fort.

Truth is, I feel like I'm in the position of power. I once gave too much and receive too little and now that things have turned around, I don't know how to let the power go.

I love him. I see that he has changed. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. So why can't I give up that power? I feel bad for him. I know I love him, but if I won't walk 3 km to deliver chicken to him as he would do for me, what does that make me?

Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
I think I am lol.

I don't know.

That's what scares me the most. After a long fight, I would always pledge to change. To let him in. To not be so quick to make a run for it. And believe me I tried.

But there's always a lump in my throat when I would feel like making peace. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't. Fleeing seems like the much more attractive option. I am not a teenager anymore. Things are not spelled out in the form of childish dreams.

He is not my prince charming and I am not a damsel-in-distress. Dreaming of being taken away in a ball gown living happily ever after. Everything is much more real now. Moving forward, I might actually get married to this guy.

I am worried that I would not be able to figure this tangle out before the true demanding convictions of adulthood forces its presence onto both of us.
I really am.

I lost someone very dear to me yesterday.

I call her Mak Noli. She's my mum's best friend. And she's like an aunt to me.
After almost 2 years battling stage 4 lung cancer, she has gone back to the Almighty, Allah S.W.T.

I have no point to this post except to express how sad I am that I couldn't be there in Malaysia for her. I remember the last time I spoke to her. It was about a week before I leave home for the States. She was in the hospital and she hugged as I was about to leave. She told me to study, to give it my all for she doesn't know if she will still be here the next time I come home.

And indeed, that was the last time I would ever see her again. She is in a better place now. And I know that Allah has placed her among the righteous. The Mak Noli I know and will always remember deserves nothing less.

To her last breath, she was as strong as a pillar. I could see how her forehead would wrinkle in pain on one of her numbered days, but she still managed a smile when I waved her goodbye.
When my mum went to perform her hajj in 2009, she would visit us kids at home often. She would cook for us. She taught me how to make pai tee- a Chinese appetizer.

I am just rambling now.
I will miss her. No string of words will be able to express that. Nothing that I say will do her justice because she was an amazing person with a humongous heart.

Mak Noli, kakak harap Mak Noli tenang kat sana. Al-Fatihah.

How 2014 went for me

Almost a week into 2015, and now I decided to recap what happened lol. I'm just having a streak of writing mojo and thought why not capitalize on that.

So how did 2014 went? It was an important year. I don't say that liberally. Many years have gone by when I just thought went by like the wind. Swoosh... gone. But I am aware of every single occurrence of 2014. Mainly because 2014 is momentous for my education career. It does not even compare to SPM which until recently I thought would be the most important achievement for myself to date.

In January, I applied for a multitude of schools in the US. In February, I worked my behind off to get a CGPA of over 3.5 in INTEC. From Mid-Feb till March, I found out I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to. If I may say so myself, I only applied to safety schools lol. My main criterion for schools to apply to is not having more than 1 entrance essay. So 3 of the schools I applied to do not need essay at all. And 1 school needed 1 essay lol. Am I regretting the fact that I did not challenge myself and see if I could get into Ivy or UCLA or NYU? Idk lol. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could do better but other times, I just feel so perfectly content here in Drake that I feel sorry for people who care too much about rankings and stuff like that.

Drake is such a serene, stress-free place to be. Up till now, at least. Everything is cheaper here. And it's beautiful.

In April, nothing major happened but working my behind off for INTEC and it's crazy high CGPA demands. Assignments piled up. I was so exhausted. I remember it being the most exhausted I ever was. I argued with my boyfriend consistently because I wanted him to keep up a high CGPA too since we were to go off together.

In May, it was finals. I did the best I could and I moved on.

In June, we got our results back. I got a 3.81 GPA. A high improvement since my Fall 2013: 3.46. It basically meant I did not get any Bs for any of my subjects that semester. Honestly, I felt grateful that the long exhaustive nights was not for naught. But I guess, it really meant little to anyone (expect to my parents). Did not spend too long revering in what seemed like a moot achievement because well, it did not seem like much.

In July, it was puasa and I got busy with my visa and preparation to fly off.

In August, I flew on a 33 hours journey with 8 hours transit in Beijing. It was not easy saying goodbye to my cat, of course. I managed without shedding any tears lol. Arrived in Des Moines, not really knowing what to expect.

In September, I started classes and realised that INTEC was just ripping everyone off at college is not that difficult if you do your work.

In October, I turned 19. My celebration consisted of a few Happy Birthday wishes from my mum, dad and sister on Whatsapp lol. I got a Kate Spade watch from my handsome and thoughtful boyfriend and that was that.

In November, Thanskgiving happened and I travelled to the Darlings and received a much needed epiphany. It was such a great trip. But in total I spent over 500 dollars to shop. Which is really not my proudest moment. I got an iPhone 6. Yep, November was not a great month for my bank account.

I had Finals in December. And got my results back.

I guess it was good enough. I went travelling to the East Coast and realised my life-long dream of watching les mis on Broadway, it was such a great night I still can't believe it. I flew back here to Iowa on 1/1/2014 lol. How apt.

2014 was a splendid year. I am void of any real human emotions but I do feel like 2014 was a turning point for me. I don't know.

I wrote 2 blog posts in the span of 2 hours. Lol what happened to me.

Anyway, yeah I published my results here. I don't know if the disclaimer that I'm not trying to brag is needed. Honestly, I don't really care if people think I'm bragging. This blog is read by like 2 people lol. And the people who read this would know that I'm not bragging but yeah. I'm just kind sick of the vague thing that people do on blogs. I'm telling ya straight up because well, I feel like it.

Byee

Bring him homeee

A few days ago I had an interesting convo with my boyfriend. I asked him if he would like a quiet, meek wife or he would like an outspoken no-nonsense feminist. Basically asking what his type of ideal woman is.

He refused to answer me but knowing him, I would say that he leans more toward the meek wife who says yes to his every whim and desires. Because let's face it, that type of girls is every Malay man ideal woman. I mean, I may be over-generalizing but yeah, I do believe if given the choice, my boyfriend would much rather go with that meek, weak damsel-in-distress. He brought up the fact that I used to be that girl long ago and he missed that side of me.

Yeah, well I was. Lol.
In my teenage years, I was an insecure chubby girl who wanted so badly validation from the opposite sex. And guess what? Dumbing yourself down, acting like a damsel in distress brings you loads of attention from the male species. However, I quickly realised that I don't want the excessive attention and became a "stringer" because I did not want to confront them about my real feelings e.g. not wanting to video chat with them over Skype. Of course after a few weeks of unreplied texts and strings of dumb excuses they dropped me like hot potato. Lol.

Ahh where did the years go. I grew up, threw away the meek girl facade and basically led my life because I didn't think that any guy is interesting enough. This is largely attributed to the fact that I could not hold a conversation with any kind of human species with the exception of my family and my few numbers of friends. I got lazy to reply empty meaningless text messages. And I could not justify going online to chat on Skype every night when I could cry over my tv shows.

My boyfriend wiggled his way back into my life and here we are. I guess having a boyfriend is terrific in the sense that you don't care anymore about what other guys think of you. I could look haggard, my tudung could be slanted 45 degrees and it would not bother me. Heck, my boyfriend even told me my feet stink once and I went meh. I just I couldn't be bothered anymore.

I completely removed any hanky panky ooo this guy looked at me what does it mean. Or ooo he is so handsome I want him. It's just completely gone. Any attraction to the opposite sex is idle. I would acknowledge that he is good looking but have no desire to be noticed by that person.

I guess I never realised it until I started thinking about it now haha. I'd like to think that the only reason I'm this way is because I've aged but nah. Lol. Many people my age single or not still excessively talk about this. At least from what I can gathered from the few gatherings I had with what few people who invited me.

Funny how during the few short years in my mid-teen I completely did a 180 degree and just stopped wanting to conform. I'm entering the 20s this year. Can you imagine. 2 decades of breathing. I feel so old goodness.

I am no longer a teen. lol.

Hopefully it's not downhill from here.

Tepuk dada tanya selera

It is now Winter Break here in Drake University. It's been 4 months since I last waved goodbye to my family and friends at KLIA. And you know that saying how time passes by in the blink of an eye?

Well, I've been blinking a lot and it's only been 4 months. Gosh.

I mean, I've had my fair share of fun and excitement. And as weird as it may sound, no I do not regret moving here. I love Malaysia but there a lot of things I have learned here in these 4 months that I know I would not have learned had I not move half a world away.

But goodness me, here is not home. Home is where my cat is, where my cozy blankets and pillows are. I have to spend another 5 months in this place (which is not home) and that prospect is daunting to say the least.

But let's not dampen the mood.

What have I learned here in the past four months?
Well, I've learned to be inquisitive and critical in everything that you do. Especially when it comes to your belief system. I was in a philosophy class as part of the first year experience in Drake. I guess this would not come as a shock, but in Malaysia, it's a taboo to question your religion. Muslims need to be protected from confusions at all times. Of course, there are certain things that should not be challenged and sometimes, we can't be sure of the intentions of those who does the challenging but that's a topic for another day.

I believe sheltering Muslims from confusions is the wrong way to go about things. Faith is not about being blind. It's not about following what other people had set out for you and told you to be true. It is critical thinking.

In that class I had come to reexamine everything about my belief system. How do I know my religion is the one true religion? If I am saying that my belief is the only truth, am I confident enough in my convictions to forsake everyone's belief systems thus automatically labeling myself as "intolerant"? What if I turn out to be wrong? What happens then?

Instead of doubting everything I know to be true, it strengthened my belief. How? Each an every questions asked in that class can be answered by the Quran & Hadis. Amazing isn't it?

Questions that I have asked my Ustazah in high school and got shot down with incoherent uncomfortable answers were answered eloquently by the questions that my non-muslim philosophical teacher asked me. Who's to blame for that?  I find it to be sad that some Muslims in my country are so fragile in their belief that any sign of other religion is seen as a threat.

Instead of sheltering people, educate them. That class taught me the virtue of adulthood; it is taking responsibility for things that you believe in, and finding ways to answer life's hardest questions without dodging them.

Am I close to being an adult? Not at all. I am definitely trying though. I am trying to be accountable for my actions and do the right things at all time.

I find it much more difficult to be a Muslim here than in Malaysia. It is hard to cover your hair on your way from the bathroom after you shampooed your hair, cause it's wet and sticky and everything. It is hard to eat the same few halal things in the dining hall without gagging every few days, especially when the roasted chicken is just a few millimeters away from the potato. It is difficult to find a place to pray every time the azan is heard from your phone when you're out and about. In Malaysia, you can eat at virtually any place, there's surau everywhere, and school hours are catered to prayer time. Here, you have to pray in public. I've prayed at a parking lot once. And goodness me, it feels so much more rewarding when you realised that you have not skipped a prayer that day.

During Thanksgiving, I was invited to the home of the Darlings (that is their real name), and it was such an enriching experience for me. I went there with bunch of my Christian seniors and they are all (including the Darlings) stout believers of their religion. And it is amazing when I see how they have sparkle in their eyes when they talk about their belief. How they are kind and compassionate because of their religion. How they voice out their gratefulness at any given moment, unwarranted and not only on the praying mat.

It reminds me of my own shortcomings as a Muslim. How sometimes I grumble at the first sign of discomfort. How I sometimes do not even say Alhamdulillah after getting an A on a test. It humbles me. I believe that Islam is the one true religion and its teachings are all about being kind, compassion, grateful and yet, these people are kinder, and better at being humans than I am.

More than ever now, I learned how important it is to be kind.

Every Tuesday night, there would be an International student game night with American host families at the space in my dining hall. Coincidentally that's the place I used to study. And I study a lot, every time they're there I would be there too studying away. It was finals week, and there I was studying. A guy (one of the host families) came in to wish me luck for my test. I said thank you and smiled revering at how kind he is. To my surprise he did a double take and asked for my permission if he could pray for me. He knows that I am Muslim, and he is a Christian. I said yes, and he started praying for me to do well right in front of me

It was so amazing. How this complete stranger, aware of our religious difference, sincerely prayed for my well being because of his own inner compassion. And I started thinking if the situation was reversed. The Muslims in my country would chastise me for praying for a non-Muslim since it's haram.

And it might be haram but that's not the point. It is the gesture that is so heartwarming to me. Why cant we as Muslims in Malaysia show kindness to other religion too? Why is it that we feel so threatened when they express their religious practice when we are so free to express our religion?

Tepuk dada tanya selera.