New Year

Well, I have one hour until it's the end of first January. I like to self reflect at the end of the year, just to see how far I've come and what I have going on for me.

I guess, professionally, I gained some new experiences. Led Malaysian Night, participated in Model Arab League, traveled to Boston and Orlando, ventured out of my comfort zone a little bit, had my first ever professional experience in a corporate setting.

I consistently feel underwhelmed by my achievements though. Maybe I wanted to do more. But I am in a good place, nevertheless. Pretty content, albeit a little bit stagnant.

I guess 2016 had been more geared towards developing personal relationships and regulating emotions. I am more ready to commit to long term relationships now. I have also felt stinging defeat and rejection, professionally and personally for perhaps the first time ever since I've been alive. I know it's kind of crazy to say that, but it's true.

All my life, I've had instant gratification although in my teen years I remember a lot of angst (but I was a teenager, that might have just been hormones). I was the top of my class through my primary school years. Going into secondary school, I ceased to care about my studies as much but always do well in things that I do want to do well in. I don't work as hard towards my academic in high school because I saw it as pointless and my results reflected that so I did not mind as much. But I got what I wanted for SPM and then a scholarship to the US. I am the first among my cousins and sibling to have studied abroad and am hailed as the "gifted" in my family and extended family. I know I am mediocre at best but when told your whole life that you're a special snowflake, you tend to fall for it haha. And it wasn't empty too. In many ways, I could see I was at least kind of special. Despite minimal efforts, I am always placed in the first class at my high school. Despite studying for only 3 months and sleeping consistently in classes, I managed to get straight As. It's been gratification after gratification.

But I resolved to be exceptional in university. I have been working really hard academically- more than I have ever worked my entire life. I took on different projects to polish my flat resume. And a lot of times, I have faced rejection too. Getting a B for a course I stayed up nights for. Getting only 1 interview from the countless internships that I have applied for. That's just some of it. And it stung. It brought me back to reality.

It stung so bad, I was on the verge of collapsing many times. But I also realized that I am strong enough to persevere. Giving up was never in my vocabulary even when I thought I could not go on any longer. Whenever I get knock down, I cry a lot. I remember being a leaked pipe, unable to stop myself from tearing up at public spaces that I have to hide behind my study table to tell myself to pull it together. I've felt the lowest of low, but I came back swinging. I count my blessings and I talk about my experiences literally to anyone who would listen. And then I take on new challenges like travelling to Boston with a group of people I barely knew to debate about Middle Eastern politics. Who would've thought that I would ever do that??? I certainly didn't.

My personal relationship took a hit too. Someone who I thought was a sure thing before hurt me in ways I never thought possible. But instead of holding a vengeance, I reflected too. And I realized that nothing happened in a vacuum. And although this might sound Stockholm-ish, I have my share of blame in how the situation deteriorated. Once I've realized that, it became easier to fix things instead of throwing away what's broken. And we came back stronger too. I became happier and commitment became less scary.

I guess, I could look back at 2016 and say that it's a shitty year. It's tumultuous, unstable and extreme. I lost my grandmother whom I was very close to. But I would be lying. 2016 had to happen so that I could be where I am right now. Idk if 2017 will be as mind boggling but I finally feel like I am growing up and am journeying on a new phase in my adulthood. Hopefully this trend will continue. And if there are more hardships to endure? I don't mind a bit because I always seem stronger by the end of it.

Complexities

I have a predicament. I am currently wrestling with many inconsistencies in my fundamental beliefs and my outlook towards the world as a whole as I continue to grow and learn.

I am a Malaysia student, funded by the government to study overseas. I have used this opportunity to the best my ability. I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of the world and become engaged global citizens, not just cooped up in my bubble of opinions - afraid of change and challenges to my opinions.

To be fair, I'm never very opinionated but growing up around Islamic conservatism and in a Malay family who believe that race is fundamental part of our identity shaped my views somewhat. I also credit it to how I stay grounded even as I fly 9000 miles away from home. I am unapologetic about my identity and the make up of my ideology. I regularly speak up in class and give my opinions as a Malaysian. And at the first opportunity I will make the distinction that I am not American. I'm also clear that I want to go home after my studies, no question or hesitation. I regularly volunteer to speak at interfaith dialogues to dispel some of the negative connotations in Western countries about Muslims.

However, despite staying grounded, I also struggle to reconcile the problematic side of my own identity. I grapple with my own privileged position in Malaysia as the majority who probably at some point in my life have contributed to the alienation of the minorities in my community. Politically, my race dominates and I am here on scholarship to a certain extent, because of my race and who I was born as.

Alas, it is not that simple. As much as I want to make the comparison to what I learn here in the US about White privilege, I cannot easily apply it to Malay privilege. I have felt what it's like to be discriminated because of my identity in my own country. I have been rejected when I applied for simple jobs because I wear the hijab or because I don't speak a third language, or from a certain ethnicity. I have felt the stigmatization from other races because Malays are seen as lazy or complacent. I have also been told that the picture on my resume in a hijab can be detrimental because religious symbols are not well perceived in Malaysian corporate culture. I also saw how my own relatives are still largely recovering from the colonial legacy of poverty and till this very day, have not been able to break out from the poverty cycle.

I am not a victim, certainly a far cry from a "victim". But I detest the oversimplification from both sides of the spectrum regarding racial relations in Malaysia. Some "woke" Malays and minorities are quick to draw comparison between Malay privilege and White privilege. But Malays weren't the oppressors, we were all in the same boat under British colonization. Yes, constitutional advantage exist under the quid pro quo arrangement to grant citizenship from our other minorities friends at that time, and maybe times are changing and reforms have to be carried out, but this systemic advantage had not sufficiently advantaged the Malay to the point of their domination of the economy.

From the other side of spectrum, rural Malays are quick to blame their economic anxiety on minorities and non-bumiputeras. They tout Malay supremacy because that's the only thing that made sense to them largely because of the role of the populist government whose grassroots support comes from  this idea of Malay supremacy. This is extremely problematic, to say the least.

What is the point of this post? It is that there are no simple answers. I am still trying to reconcile my own belief and recognize my privilege in the context of my society. But I have to do so while trying to be true to the struggles of my own people if I want to be honest with my self and my convictions. I have seen the community I grew up in the rural areas being called idiots by the people in the city where I spend the later half of my life because of their political beliefs. I have seen them being undermined by the ruling elites who despite wanting their political support actually did little in making their lives better. I have also seen the detrimental effect of Malay privilege to the lives of minorities who could not get to the same universities I could get in because of their race. Who received less support although they too live in poverty just because of their race.

Dialogues should not be along the lines of black and white where the other side dismisses each other for being "idiots" or "Western liberals". Dialogues should take into account that race is not the only factor when talking about "privilege". Dialogues should not endeavour oversimplify a complex issue.

And me? I will continue to learn and accept that my identity and convictions can be as fluid has to be fluid if I ever want to arrive at enlightenment in which I can be 100% sure of my place in this world

Small Win

I had a goal when I decided that the US will be where I continue my tertiary education. I love learning and I love being excellent. I never experienced this kind of passion when I was in high school. In fact, everyday felt like I was tied to a shackle. But when I started learning things in Drake, I found my passion.

I also found out that hard work reciprocates. I found out that I was capable of doing things I never imagined of doing. Who would've thought that little old me would lead a team of 12 people and sold out 370 tickets to an amateur show. Tickets were priced at $10 each when all of the other cultural shows had a truckload of funding and were able to sell tickets at $2. Then came the highlight of the year when we won the Most Outstanding Social Program Award in the whole of University. I made that possible.

I did not sleep and chased down and talked to anyone who would listen how Malaysian Night 2016 would change your life. I was rejected and talked over and talked about. All the while struggling to maintain relatively good grades.

But this semester, I drowned. Classes were getting harder, things were picking up at breakneck pace and for the first time in my life, hard work did not reciprocate. Hard work failed me. I felt like I was shaken to my core. That everything I thought I knew was false and I had been deluding myself.

I am not this excellent person I aspire to be. I am just a girl doing everything she can and gets lucky once in a while. It was... awful.

It have never felt that way before. I was faithless in my ability and what I knew. I am becoming timid and quiet because I feel so small all the time. Because I felt failure over and over again despite my best efforts.

And I began to think what if this is it? What if this is my limit? I never entertained the possibility that there is a limit to what I can achieve. But this was it. I finally realized my full potential and its just downhill from here.

I am questioning everything I know. And that is the hardest thing that I have had to do so far in my entire life. I didn't have a lot going for me but I could count on myself. Now, I can't anymore.

But today, after staying up all night and working on the Model Arab League conference that I will be going in November, my team leader told me that my sample resolution was the best in our small team of 8 people. And I am reminded of why I work so hard. It is because of this simple wins in life that reminded me although I can't do everything, I can do some things and I can do it well.

It reminded me that I don't have to trade my tendency for hard work with cynicism. I needed a small win today, and goodness it felt so good when I got it.

I would have followed you till the end of the world if I had to.
I would.

And why is it that my first instinct when you hurt me is to apologize to you so you would come back to me?
I am stronger than this.

See the thing about depending your happiness upon others is you have no control over how they act to you. And I know that's not what I want. To give up my emotional stability to keep one person around.

Maybe it's me. I'm overly emotional and so difficult. Whatever it is, I concede that we have no place together in this world.

I would have done so much for you but you ran far away from me when I showed a few signs of distress and then decided to come back when it is convenient. When I'm OK. When I'm no longer the emotional mess you triggered. When the bad episode on that humid night passed to be replaced with sorrowful resignation in the morning.

I feel so lonely. But I'm OK.

For now.

I feel my legs heavy

My shoulders drooping

And I took the slowest steps ever 

And I remember how you told me to be vulnerable

To open myself up to love

And then you went away.

With her.

I remember that warm afternoon as I was shouting at you

The grass was green and it was 27 degrees

Maybe because I felt myself being reduced into sheer nothingness

Stripped away from my dignity and the love I am so ready to give,

I told you to choose.

I was scared before.

I was terrified you would say you're choosing her.

And you told me you don't know.

But how can you not know?

I was beside you when you were struggling, puking your guts out

I was there to help you through your visa application

And your college essays

I was there to see you through because I love you.

I could finally see how I have wasted 6 years of my life

Waiting.

Struggling.

Loving.

And now I'm reduced to nothing.

Checking my blank screen every 3 minutes

Hoping.

Hoping for something I shouldn't be hoping for.

I forgot about my self-worth.

I remembered to be forgiving. And kind. And I remembered feeling a kick in the gut from not being wanted. And I remembered being stumped not knowing what to do and being in denial. Taking that rejection as being reflective of who I am as a person. 

And I forgot about being happy.

I thought being happy meant being accepted. It means fighting and being unselfish. 

But I am a good person. And I know I don't deserve this. And I want someone or something to blame but all I can blame is myself. For being weak and disgusting.

I know I have to be strong and it pains me that I have no capacity for that. That I am a pushover and despite talking big, I'm actually very small. 

I don't need anyone but I have summed myself up into being contingent on one person. One person who just doesn't care about me beyond what he would think is socially acceptable. And I, despite myself have built him up in my head, put him on a pedestal and continuously punish myself for... losing him.

And I want to desperately ask "what about me?". I would shout it out into the world but I live in a cave and the only voice who will answer back is my pathetic echo. 

And despite myself and everyone else, I know I will internalize this self hate and I will be laying awake all night.

Because while he's out there, I'm in here. Clutching my heart because I thought it's literally going to break. I want to believe that I'm stronger than this.

But I'm not.

I am so hurt... that I want to just curl up in a ball and just cry.

I loathe the fact that I have transitioned into this girl once again.

Hoping for him to care about me and feeling so weak all the time.

I'm losing sense of myself and who I am as a person because one person decided that I'm not good enough for them. 

That I care about them more than they care about me. 

And instead of wishing I gain my strength again, I wish that they would care about me. And everytime I think about them, I just feel that feeling at the pit of my stomach like I have been punched and I know that I'm losing another piece of myself.

And I was so young and stupid. I thought I had grown up and I'm not codependent on someone in my life. But I am.

And it was okay when he was codepending on me too. But now, his feelings changed and I'm left behind. Like I don't matter and everything that I feel don't matter. And everytime I look at him I just that girl. And how because of her, he realized that I'm not good enough for him.

When I know I am. And I know this is not my fault. 

But I don't see how I can be better.