Don't cry for me argentinaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

My last post was 3 months ago.
The longest thus far that I went on a hiatus. An unannounced one too.

But I'm back now.

I guess 3 months passed uneventfully. As the way they should.
Writer's block if you may call it, I have nothing to write about. SPM come and go. And now, I'm a high school graduate. Even got the documents to prove it.
It doesn't feel strange really. Somehow, it feels almost natural.

Almost.

I don't find myself pondering about the future. I guess I'm still in my cocoon, trying to delay the inevitable. But I feel more grown up these days. Just, a grown up who lazes around house and don't do anything.
That's the kind of grown up I don't mind being.

As for the responsibilities, well, I'm getting my license soon. Had my first experience driving yesterday with my instructor. It was mortifying. And I also found out that I'm shorter than most adults who can drive, as how the fact that I can't reach the clutch properly even after adjusting my seat to its full length has illustrated. But all is well. I only crashed into one cone.

I want to be on a diet regime. But found myself lacking in motivation. How could I, when everyone around me kept saying that I look okay. yaddayadda.
But that's a petty cause to fight.

I'm just writing randomly. But I guess in a way, this blog doesn't function the way it used to. I mean being a grown up I guess would mean you have better way to handle your emotions than venting in your blog I guess. You learn to.. not feel that much.
That's not a progress I regret but I do miss this blog, in spite of being a grown up.

So I guess I won't abandon it completely. It will always remain here yknow. Somewhere in the spaces of the internet.
Lol

Bye peeps ~

Darling let go of my hand

17. I'm turning 17 in a few days. I'm graduating too in a few days.
On the verge of adulthood.

An era of my life is ending.
But no, everything's cool. My refusal to acknowledge this very fact has weirdly been rewarding for the past months. I guess things have not demanded me to acknowledge this yet. And that's great.

I thought I could wean off myself from this thought altogether because god knows I do not need the extra pressure. However, subconsciously it's happening. I could not stop it. I started to think like an adult. I started to act like one. It's so disheartening.

Let me enlighten you with the tale of the grown up me.

I went to Popular Bookstore just a while ago. Regular trip, no? Much to my dismay, as much as it was regular, it also gave me the indication of just how mature my conscience have become. For those who know me, they would also know that my favourite colour is blue. My laptop is blue, my pencil case is blue, my correction tape is blue, my scissors is blue, my stapler, my bag, my life is blue. It's quite obvious how much I like the colour blue. And so, when I found myself in need for a new puncher, of course I would try to find one in blue.

Of course, to my chagrin, the blue colour puncher was RM10+. While the regular one was for half the price. Now, if this was me, 3 months ago, I would have opted for that blue puncher. But this me, this new, reformed me, without any second thought (although slightly saddened) grabbed the regular puncher instead.

*GASP*

Yeah. Only after that I went did I have that epiphany. Over a puncher. Because ultimately, it was cheaper and although the blue one would make me happy, I do not think it was worth the extra RM5.

If I could just run and hide in my room and stop time just for a second, I would.
But I can't. I don't think this fear is irrational at all. I think it's very reasonable to not want to be a grown up.

I hate responsibilities. I hate complications.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She'll break her own heart

Bad decisions.
There are such things as bad decisions.

And then there are times when you would have to be forced off your indifference and actually deal with things.
When things like this happen, more often that not, you would look up and wish for a helping hand ready to throw a rescue buoy your way. You'd wish someone would tell you that it's not that bad, it's not your fault, there are ways to rectify this problem, etc etc.

I'm not short of people trying to throw rescue buoys to me. However, they always throw the wrong kind of buoy. I appreciate the gesture but at the end of the day, I'm still drowning.

Drowning and alone and crying while choking on that salty water of the ocean.

And there are only so little time the fact that I'm drowning is visible to people because I'm flailing on the surface. There would come time when I would have to stop flailing because the water caused my cells to not receive sufficient oxygen, and ultimately I would drown to death. No longer visible. Just, sink beneath the water never to be seen again.

I desperately want to believe that it's not that bad, but it is.
I don't want to be told that I'm feeling too much either because it makes no difference.

Everywhere I look, I see a gaping void that is my future. I see the nothingness that surrounds it. I see just how ultimately screwed I am as of now and I see no solution.

I see no solution whatsoever. And I don't want to listen to anymore people because they always end up saying the wrong things that will make me feel worse about myself. I get that it's a necessary thing to do, to hurt me with words so that I would understand what a huge mess I made of myself, but it's not a nice thing to feel.

I would like to choke on my tears alone and throw a pity party for myself and never see anyone ever again because I am a failure in every which way. And that's not a call for help, nor a cry for attention. It's the cold hard truth that I can't resist no matter how hard I try.

Crying alone at night used to be beneath me. I guess I've reached my rock bottom then.
Even I'm disgusted with myself.

Heh.

Satu Bahtera

It's rare to find things that I truly care about.
There are about 20 people (or cats) in this world of whom I would miss their presence if they are gone. The rest, I probably could live without.
And for me to care about an inanimate object or an ideology is well for the most part, quite startling; even to me.

I care about my religion, that is true. But who would have thought that the ever indifferent, refused-to-care-about-anything-to-be-cool would care about her country?
Certainly not me.

But I do care about my country. More than that really, I love Malaysia.
It's not even the kind of love you feel because you're obliged to feel it. It's real love. The kind of love that forces me to withhold my tears when I witness the 'pengisytiharan merdeka' video they played during sambutan ambang merdeka at school. The kind of love that makes me stand tall every school assembly without any sighs and complains to sing our 'Negaraku'. The kind of love that makes me swear to protect my country from harm. The kind of love that gives me the will to defend it at any cost, even my life.

It's quite severe, if I may say so myself.
But this is my home.

I'm 17. I've never been through the hardships of my nation being oppressed by a foreign power. I've never had to live in fear of being gunned down and forced to hand over my wealth to that said foreign power. I was never deprived of opportunities to make a better life for myself in my own land.

Despite not knowing what it's like to be.. oppressed in such a manner, the thought of this beloved country ever having to go through that is unthinkable.

So I'm grateful for my forefathers who've brought independence to this land. I'm grateful for I do not have to go through those hardships. I'm grateful that in Malaysia, I could find everything I need. I'm grateful that I'm happy here.

Malaysia is 55 years old this year.
Happy Birthday my love ~

I'm aware that this post is a week late. But.. I had trials. :3
And anyway Malaysia Day is on the 16th so I'm not that late.

Back to my books now~

Stars

It's been almost a month since I tried to convey my inhibitions into words.

That's not a relatively long time but it's a huge milestone from where I was just a few months ago. I was completely.. dependent on this blog. Not that it's a bad thing.

So anyway, a good friend of mine once asked my opinion about something. As usual, I retorted with 'uhm. That's a quite a petty issue. I don't have any opinion on it nor do I desire to form any opinion about it'. Much to my chagrin (or joy)(mostly, joy), he told me 'yeah, you're always so indifferent'.

And is that, the impression that people get from me? That I am indifferent?
I think I am for the most part. My inability to care about things that do not have anything to do with me is quite admirable, if I may say so myself.
However, in the eyes of other people, people whom are close to me and whose opinions I value (that's too generous but I lack better word), I am not doing for so well for myself.

They're somehow convinced that at the rate I'm going, I'd fail to develop into a well rounded sane matured person who would be able to survive in the real world.
And somewhere at the back of my mind, I agree with them.

Living is not about shutting out the bad part of your life just to remain carefree. Those things will come after you and you'd be too defenseless in the face of all that negativity when it decides to strike. Ultimately the things you choose to ignore would have piled so high, as high as a mountain. A mutated mountain with limbs and can crush you and beat you senseless.

I have that realisation. But indifference is so.. cool.
You know.

Like. when everyone just to worry and you're indifferent, you'll feel above everyone else. That's how I feel most of the time. I feel tall in indifference.

It's wrong. My conscience knows it. But I can't help myself.

I guess there's no point to this post. I'm just.. venting.
So anyway, SPM trials has arrived. And I'm.. crumpling under the pressure of it. But. I don't show it to people. Because I choose to remain indifferent. Even if I'm not.

Lol ok bye.

Because it's pretty obvious how badly I messed things up for myself at the moment.
Lol.

They said YOLO right.
YOLO indeed.

I see the pettiness of the situation.
I see just how numbingly simple the solution is.

But I can't do anything about it. It surrounds me, like hungry buzzards. Waiting to pick on my flesh and bone. Because if there's anything I hate in the world, it would be pettiness.

And still I'm stuck in parades of pettiness display. And because I'm a conformist, I swallow my opinions and let it be.
Because it's not in my place to tell anyone what to do with their lives.

What pains me though is the fact that this pettiness is making my way into my life subliminally, bit by bit. I try to stop it by reasonably spelling out logic. But of course, pettiness knows no logic.

I would very much like to hit the mute button on the whole world and just quietly indulge in its peace. Unfortunately though, that is not up to me. I get annoyed more often nowadays too.

Strange.

All the rowboats

Being a conformist- is it bad?
I have so many opinions about everything in this world but I conform because ultimately, it's easier and will cause less hassle.
Is it right though?

Once again, I let my laziness dominate my situation.
I'm not scared or anything. When I'm stuck in a demanding situation, I won't hesitate to retaliate but under normal circumstances, I.. conform.
I conform to things that I harbour ill-feelings for. I conform to things that I know I could change. I conform to not hurt people's feelings.

I'm a conformist.
I haven't decided what I feel about this.

..

Life sucks.
And then you die.

Ugly

It dawned upon me that I'm taking SPM just now. It wasn't a half-assed epiphany about how it will come and I will be ready when it does. It's actually the time to get ready for it.

I'm. such a lazy brat it's so. disheartening at times.

..It's not like I don't try to fight off my laziness. It's a constant battle, believe me. But it's so.. difficult. It plagues me down and bring me down, keeps me down. And I don't know how I will defeat this own obstacle of mine.

I feel content in my laziness, that is the problem. I see nothing wrong with. Well except for the fact that SPM is nearing and I'm exactly 5% ready to face it.

2 years of syllabus to be studied in less than 4 months. Haha I screwed myself real bad this time. And still, here I am blogging away on a weeknight.

I don't learn.

It's so frustrating being me.

ITS LIKE WE'RE TWO SEPERATE IDENTITIES. AND THE LAZINESS IS ALWAYS THE DOMINANT ONE.

How. Do. I. GET Rid of this. AJHRKJHRKHKJAHDJKhak

ARH.

Whenever I feel that familiar tightness in my chest- a telltale sign that I'm about to cry, I'd try to tell myself to hold it in.
But then again, what's the point?

To be vulnerable is my nature. So what's the use of pretending. More often than not, I just let the tears flow.

I guess there's no point to this post, except for the fact that I'm sad.
I think it's alright to be sad though. People get sad at times. And it's been a while since I feel sad.

I hate it when people swoop into my life under the pretense that they care and then at the most crucial moment, it turns out that they don't really care at all.
I guess I don't blame them. I blame myself for yet again, getting affected by words. I should've known better.

I just want to go home.

Happiness is a violent roar

Often, when asked what people want out of life, they'd say that they'd want to be happy.
We're so used to the idea that being happy is vital.

And it is vital to a certain extent. But being happy is not the default state of us, humans. We despise being sad. So much so that when we're sad, we rush and do whatever we think is possible to be happy again.

Happiness is a reward. It's nice being happy.

But being happy all the time would mean being unprepared for the harsh reality of the world.
The idea of happiness to me, is not synchronized at all with the fact that we are so vulnerable. The world, by default is a mean place. The only thing that you're in control of is yourself and your own actions. How everyone else act around you is entirely up the them. And for the most part, that's why there're so many sad beings in this world.

The thing that we should strive for in this world is not happiness per se, it's knowing how to go on even when you're sad. We should not think that happiness should be our constant state of existence.
And I think when you're not scared of being sad, that's when you'll be whole.

My dream is to achieve wholeness.
I realise that no matter how you guard yourself, there's no way around it. You can't run from pain and anguish. But you can find ways not to fall flat on your face when you're faced with these tribulations.

And I think that's far more important that being happy.

I took the path less traveled on

When I look in front of me, instead of seeing a big empty void, I see instead a vast meadow filled with tall trees and blooming flowers.

But then again there's still a probability of that vast meadow to catch on fire, burn and pollute the entire country with haze.

I guess amidst the frisson and frenzy, I can still remain objective and weigh the possibilities of things going wrong. But for once though, it's not worrying me. I feel confident that if things do go wrong, I'll be able to cope with them.

I'm not a naive teenager desperate for love and affection anymore.

The fault is in ourselves, that we are underlings

You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

- Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars)

Eureka!
I finally got it. The anguish a midst the person you love is not anguish.
It's a choice.

A choice driven by that wretched chemical defect inaccurately named 'love'.
There's not really a question whether it's worth it. The person you experience love for is always worth it. It's when you stop loving that it becomes worthless.

It's my sadistic wish that someone would choose to be hurt by me.
But then again, if there's anyone bold enough to make that choice, I would do everything in my power to not hurt them.

Whether they will return the favour though is not something that I would hope for.
Hope is an affliction. And there's too many of that in my life.

Delusions

It's dangerous to diverge from reality.

Happiness is one of the soft diversions from reality I depend on. But happiness isn't really meant to last. It's always so temporary.
Happiness (to me, of course) is the high or the rush you feel from experiencing good things in your life.

I guess you can be content for a long period of time but never always happy.
Remember how I said we can never be affected by other people? Nothing they ever do is for the benefit of you. It's always because they have something to gain that they're nice to you.

By 'something to gain' I don't mean only superficial things like money and stuff.
A simple scenario - two people fall in love with each other. They cite things like 'I would die for you' and they spend so much money on each other; on phone bills especially.
And the girl will somehow think that this guy is doing all of these for her. He's willing to sacrifice his time and money for her. He's willing to die for her even and vice versa of course (but I'm using the girl as an example).

Is it not sacrifice though if he's doing that for his own benefit. He's willing to spend that time and money because he likes her, he feels happy talking to her. It's not directly to make her feel happy. It's in his act to be happy himself that he's indirectly making the girl happy as well. And then at some point when the sparks die down, what do you think will happen?
He'd leave.
If he stays when she doesn't make him happy anymore, the whole relationship will turn into a lie.

Do you get my drift?

It's never because of someone else that people do what they do. It's always because they gain something from it that they're nice to us.

I assumed all of this, I admit. Some people may not agree because they don't encounter the same things.
Or maybe I'm turning into a cynical person.
Although, if it makes me happy, why not right?

Only the sweetest words remain

I guess in an alternate universe where everything is easy- people can choose to not get hurt. It sounds like a simple concept to grasp. You're only responsible for your own happiness. I don't think anyone else should be held accountable for somebody else's state of mind.

The play; An Inspector Calls that I'm studying for Literature in English explored this subject. But it came to a different conclusion (or interpretation) altogether- people are in fact responsible for other people's behaviour. For instance, a person can drive another person into suicide and they will face stigma from the society for their actions. But in reality, if that person who committed suicide have enough self control to not do it in the first place; the whole situation could be avoided.
But of course she is free to commit suicide if she feels like it. (I think some people would take this the wrong way).

In retrospect, I disagree with society. Life is made up of choices. Illegal things aside of course (because it's always wrong to do something illegal), I think no one should have to comply to other people's needs. If they feel like it, they should do it. And the receiving party should choose to not be affected by this. Of course if the things they like to do interfere with your rights or can harm you in any way; this does not apply.

But it's not that simple.
Because there is such thing as moral grounds. There are things that are acceptable to society, there are things that aren't.

Ok. Imagine it like this; someone made a racial slur. Sure, this is morally wrong. But offensive statement is only offensive if people are offended by it. Imagine if everyone ignores him and not get affected by his remarks; what would happen?
Nothing bad right?

I think indifference would be a much better way to deal with ignorant people in this world. By being ignorant towards their ignorance, we can deprive them from the effect they had surely wished to inspire; hatred or pain or whatever.

I could be looking at this thing totally wrong. But I've been having this revelation for quite some time now. And when I think about this, my whole life gets a tad easier to cope with. People are people and they would find ways to hurt you- intentionally or otherwise if you let them.

Quoting Eleanor Roosevelt- no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I for one, interpret this quote as to not let anyone get to you no matter how hurtful their behaviours are. Because in the end, it would do you no good.

Life's too short to worry about someone who hurts you, right?

Turning page

They say, if a certain someone crosses your mind, you'd want to be in contact with them. This will then lead to a text, or a phone call or a nudge on MSN (lol who am I kidding no one uses MSN anymore). It's completely normal, I guess.

But what do you do, if that person does not in fact just, cross your mind? They occupy your mind 24/7 like.. parasites. Yeah.

Do you text them 24/7 then?
Well from here it might sound completely absurd- to be in contact with the same person all day, every day. And I agree it probably is. To me, it's almost humanly impossible even.
But of course, time after time it's proven that my knowledge about the mass' social interaction among each other is basically non-existent.
Because there are people who does this. They are in contact with the person they want to be in contact with 24/7. Of course this will effect their bills and their everyday behaviour but the point here is - it is possible.

I'm losing my point.
I guess the idea of being in contact with the one you like is pretty inspiring. I don't blame people for wanting that. However, what is the leverage to ensure that the conversation does not go stale?
So here's the dilemma of which I'm speaking of right now - what do you do if you like someone enough to want to talk to them all the time but at the same time, after a while, you know you won't be able to engage each other's attention anymore?

And the conversation will turn awkward and then you're forced to accept the inevitable goodbyes. So you say goodbye just to anticipate the next time you'll be in contact again.
Where's the logic in that?

How do one live with that much suspense in their lives?
I guess you could say it will come naturally- the flair to avoid awkward convos with your crush. But that's not the case for me (yes, I am my favourite subject).

Or maybe my crush is being overplayed in my mind and I don't even like him that much.
Which is why, our conversation always go stale.

Hmm.
This is something to ponder upon.
I don't know, I have a feeling that I'd just give up on ~love life~ and be happy with my future cats.
Future filled with cats sounds pretty happy, honestly. I don't know why in the west they consider it pathetic.

Dead

Cause I've been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burden
We shouldn't have to bear alone
So goodnight you
And goodnight moon.


I never really understood this song.
How do I explain the racing heartbeat then? Or the weird goosebumps?
I really thought I'm past all these. I'm a grown independent woman, entering adulthood. No, scratch that, not entering- diving, nose-first without any headgear to protect me from the harsh ground of that aforementioned adulthood.

!!!!!!11!1!11!1!!!!1!!!1!!11
Just, for once, I wish that the unspoken is a mere false impression. I hope that my mind is playing tricks on me and this is not happening again.
I hope.
I don't know what I want. I can't be this confused throughout almost a quarter of my adolescence. I refuse to be. BUT THE STATE OF MIND IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I CAN CONTROL.
Weirdly misleading gestures shouldn't be legal in this country.
Oh goodness gracious.

She had the world

I find it rather.. intriguing that I'm so fascinated by psychopathic serial killers.
It's their psychological state you know. The fact that they're smart enough to know that what they're doing is wrong, they're smart enough to avoid the authority and prevent themselves from getting caught. However, at the same time, they're not that smart as to not commit those killings in the first place.

And they do it for fun too.
Because they feel like it.

Having no conscience, no remorse. That would provide them with such a care-free life.

Oh no. I don't want to be like them. Because I do have conscience and my Ad-Din has set guidelines to my life and I intend on following them.
But they're just so fascinating.
Well besides the usual stuffs; inhuman, cruel.

But of course this fascination of mine is everything but new. TV Shows play such important role in my life to the point of patheticness.
BUT no. I refuse to judge myself. If I want to be pathetic, I will be pathetic.

And this post would be another incoherent ramble by yours truly.

It just strikes me how.. poor I do in creative writing. I'm just not creative you know. But I love that subject. I just don't have any flare in it. My story would be filled by big words I googled without any real depth to it. I want to write pieces that touch people. That would make people stop and think.
Alas, things that I'm passionate to write about are the things that the mass find hard to relate to.
Things like well, serial killers.

And you can't be all touchy feely when you write about serial killers can you? Well even if you can, I don't want to. I want to inspire fear. But I can never get afraid by my own stories.
And that is caused by under-imaginative behaviour. I can't imagine those stuffs that I write so how can I expect anyone else to understand them.

I'm facing a lot of dilemmas as of right now. Admittedly, they're not very significant dilemmas. But they're dilemmas nonetheless.

Well, rant over.

Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

It seems that all I do lately is stare into space. 

I know it does no good to think about the things that make me upset. Inexplicably though, I'd think about them anyway.

Is it degrading to admit that you're wounded? 

I for one, think that it is.

They say that there's light at the end of the tunnel. I think I saw that light. Even careless enough to reach out for it. 

Well, as it turns out, there is light. But just as I'm about to get used to the brightness, I'm back into another tunnel. Pushed into another deep abyss of darkness. One that gives me the impression that no good will ever come out from resisting it.

How much blow can a single person take before they finally give up?

It's easy to get on with life when you decide to look beyond yourself and you see just how blessed you are. I know I'm blessed. And whatever issue I'm dawned upon is inflicted by myself. Self-blaming though, proved to be just as self-harming as I previously thought I was being when I let my grief take control of me. 

And if you see the logic of it, if you dare to live life as if there's only black and white then I guess it'd be pretty simple. I see the logic of things and more often than not, I'd try to follow it. There's only one unfortunate obstacle; the world is not black and white. 

Life isn't simple.

The future isn't predictable.

So you go through life with uncertainties and no leverage at all to guarantee that you'd find that happiness you so covet for. Your confidence wavers and becoming more fragile as days go by. 

But then again, I haven't found any solution to overcome this- which begs the question, why do I find it necessary to confess to this?
Nothing good ever comes from displaying weakness. 

I guess I am indeed fragile and sad and lonely.

But I will overcome this- whatever this is. Even if I don't, maybe things won't turn out as badly as I think it will.
Just.. maybe.

I'm right where I belong

I took control.
I didn't let anyone make me feel inferior.

And guess what, I'm not 'a sad little girl'.
I'm sure you're a great person. I'm really sure of that. You're just not a good person to me.
And that makes me a big girl. A happy big girl whom for once didn't submit to anyone. Much less to someone who doesn't even like me that much.

I matter. I know that. I'm not delusional.
And I am most definitely over you.

I've got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright

There will a come a point in your life where you wonder whether you're just being extremely melodramatic or your problem is truly as big as it seems.

I brush off all of my close to tears moments lately as me being melodramatic. I chastise myself for feeling low. Basically, I've turned myself against me.

I thought I should be free to feel however I want to feel.

But I can't. I feel weak and disgusted with myself every time I feel any sort of emotions at all.  I don't know what conclusion I'm coming to. Just bear with me.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - Eleanor Roosevelt.

That sounds so awfully simple doesn't it? And that's why I feel repulsed with myself every time I get hurt or feel sad. Because I let myself be in that position. I let people make me feel inferior. They couldn't have done it without my consent. 

I let people into my life. I let them stay on my mind. And the worst part is, I trust them.

Nothing good ever comes out from trusting anyone. And to trust someone with your heart? With your emotion? You might as well hand them a knife and tell them to stab you when you're not looking. It'd hurt less.

And there I go, making myself sound like I belong in a 12 years running soap opera. It really is the truth though.

People aren't nice.

I've come to that conclusion long ago. I'm not bitter nor cynical. I haven't lost faith in humanity. But people are by nature aggressive and they'd always put their needs above anyone else's. It's not their fault, it's basic survival instinct.

I'm not blessed with that instinct, however. And I'm not saying that I'm nice as well. You be the judge of that. But I worry a lot.

I worry what consequences my actions could bring to other people. I worry that I did someone wrong. I worry if I had affected anyone negatively all the time.

So I don't understand when people purposely hurt me, fully knowing that their actions hurt me. They don't seem to mind at all. 

I'm not playing the victim card now. I'm fully aware that I'm the reason why I'm here. I'll guard myself better. I won't let anyone into my life. I won't trust anyone with any secrets of mine.

And then I'll pray to be safe from getting hurt. I'll pray that I won't feel that much.

I've been crazy lately ~

Just a random post. I'm bored and it's midterms and well, in time of loneliness this blog hasn't failed me yet.

During BM paper 1 today I wrote; 'Mengikut kajian Unit Analisis Sikap, Biro Penyiasat Persekutuan Amerika Syarikat, semua pembunuh bersiri rata-rata lahir dari keluarga yang tidak menunjukkan kasih sayang'. I feel good  about myself all day today because of that.
Criminal Minds knowledge is applicable in daily life, mind you.

My right carpal has been hurting since Holes production practice. Siiigh. Being the clumsy mouse (I choose mouse because I feel cute as of now) that I am, I tripped over the piles of sand repeatedly while vigorously ~directing~. I broke all my falls with my right hand. And now, it won't stop hurting. Of course, the pain will only present itself while I do things that involve wrist movements but yeah. This sucks. Because it turns out that writing involves a lot of wrist movements. And today was Sejarah Paper 2 and BM paper 1. I wrote a total of 11 pages of essays.
And now my wrist up to my neck and shoulder hurts.

(I'm secretly hoping that this would impair my ability to write and I wouldn't have to sit for the other mid term papers. Or I would have to but I could like.. sit my paper using cool methods like having to type in all my answers instead of writing them lolz)


 Tomorrow would be Maths Paper 2 and English Paper 1. Heh.

I wonder why they have to have so many papers.
Zz

nope nope. no.
I refuse to be in this position again.

No.

I'm not a freaking punching bag.

Some nights I stay up

I don't know.
There are just too many things to figure out.

So I decided to be alone. So that I can figure those things out by myself. But I think being in my own company is just messing up my head more than ever.

I guess I have't been in this state for a very long time now. Life has been pretty fine and dandy for me before this. I guess you can't be fine and dandy all the time sigh.
For the most part, tearing up isn't my forte anymore. I find myself having too much ego to even cry. Is that bad?

I think it is. It sucks to be so.. insecure that you can't cry even when you're alone.

I'm proud of myself though, for not running to the ones who are familiar to me in light of recent problems I'm facing. I get it now that some things have no solutions and telling people about them sometimes lead to.. nothing. And them not being able to offer any solution will lead me to a very easily irritable mood.

But I feel.. so alone.
Although loneliness is probably not the worst thing in the world.

I guess maybe just for once I should admit to the fact that I'm.. just.. sad.
I should work towards not being sad anymore instead of just ignoring the fact and fake laugh my way out of stuffs.

And I'm sure this will past. Whatever feeling I'm feeling right now will eventually pass.
I'm sure I'll be okay again.

I'm sure.

April has ended O.O

And my post count for the month of April is... 2.

O.O

Woah.

Take a sad song and make it better ~

In an ideal world..

1) My short hair won't stick up in a weird way making my head shaped more like yield sign than a human head.
2) I would fit into a size 22 jeans.
3) I can eat all I want and never get fat.
4) I would have never ending supply of anchovies.
5) all Grey's Anatomy songs will be downloaded automatically just as soon as I heard it.
6) I have time to catch up on all of my tv shows.
7) I would know how I feel and towards whom that I feel those things to.
8) I didn't involve myself in too many school activities.
9) I didn't have to sit for SPM.
10) social interaction won't be too nauseating.
11) I would understand things.
12) I won't have to learn Physics, Chemistry or Bio.
13) English in Literature is taught as a core subject within school hours and I would have it everyday.
14) I don't have the conscience to feel bad for hurting those who've hurt me.
15) people would stop complaining so much.
16) no one lashes out on anyone when they're under stress.
17) people get easily offended and I would enjoy the look on their face when I offend them instead of not having enough guts to offend anyone.


My ideal world would be filled with serial killers related shows, good music, great books, money for me to spend on clothes and handsome guys who are interested in me.

Lol just thinking about this is making me feel all giddy inside.

You're the lucky ones

I think, I think I've been trying to change.
And I think I succeeded in making those changes.

For one thing, I don't get emotional anymore. This is a total contrast from whatever creature I was a year ago. But it's quite peculiar, seeing as the change happened so subtly I didn't even notice it at first. It was like.. something snapped within me, leaving me with very little patience towards everything involving any sorts of emotions. I think it's pretty obvious how little I care about things nowadays.

What bothers me though is the arrogance that comes along with this new found indifference. I was ashamed of whom I was before this. I realized that now.
I was so icky and fragile and overly emotional about everything.

Now, I think I'm above everyone else. I lose respect towards people who displays any sorts of emotional attachment into anything that I deem petty. This mostly involves my peers. My peers who break down when a school project threatens to fall apart, my peers who cry when their boyfriends leave them.

I used to be one of them.

But the way I see it, I rose above that. I realized my mistake. I realized how useless it was to get too emotional attached. I'm irked with myself.
The real reason why I lose respect for these kind of people is because they don't learn. They don't realize. They don't care enough to reflect on themselves and see how pointless it is to invest emotionally into the things they get emotional about.

And as I mentioned earlier, this new trait of mine bothers me. I'm not a bad person, at least I don't think I am. I don't curse people. I don't hate people for no reason. In fact, if they don't directly harm me, whatever they do is none of my business.

But I can't help what I feel inside can I? It's not like I display my lost of respect towards them. I keep everything to myself. Me, pouring out on this blog isn't meant for anyone else. It's merely my own self discovery.

And I know some things are important to people. So important that they get emotionally attached. And it has nothing to do with me. By all means, be emotional. I'm just saying that at the event that I do witness these emotions, I will get annoyed.

I think people owe it to themselves and to other people to suppress their display of emotions and keep it to themselves until they're in private or in the presence of the people they trust. It's uncomfortable to see a stranger/mere acquaintance getting worked up or breaking down in public. I don't know how to comfort them. And there's this stigma if a person doesn't react to tears. I will be directly affected by that stigma.

It seems like I don't empathize anymore. But I think the things that induce my peers to tears are very petty things. Avoidable things. And I can't sympathize with that.

Am I a bad person then?

no.

Every now and then, I think of all the time we were together

I actually cringe in embarrassment to be reading the posts in my blog from last year.
Was I really that.. unhappy?

I guess I was. Strange though, the things I easily forget.
Sigh I guess it's there as a reminder for me- as a reminder that things never were always fine and dandy. I got sad a lot. More times than I was happy.

And I wonder why.
If I was that unhappy, why didn't I just leave..
Why did I stay so long just to get hurt over and over again.

Lol one thing for sure though, I will never be that stupid again.

I'll wait

It's 3.46 am on a Friday morning and I can't sleep.
I wonder why..

So anyway, because of my sudden ~insomnia~ I decided to read my old blog posts. I have 3 blogs in total. 2 of which are private. Huhu. I love my private blogs, they make me feel like I know something that other people don't know. Eventhough that '''something''' is myself lol. I'm so pathetic ;____;

Well I've come the conclusion that I've since traveled a long way from.. then. LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT I'M STILL THE SAME ;___;

Sigh.
But I've read my posts when I was 13. One word to that; ew. HAHA I sounded so disgustingly narcissistic. One thing I noticed though- I was such a loner back then. I can't even remember my friends when I was 13. 13 sounds so grown up-ish when I was 13 but now I realized that I was just a baby back then.

Is this how life is going to be like from now on? T__T
Realizing how childish you are even as a teenager?!?! The thing is, I always viewed myself as a sophisticated young person who can't sound childish even if they try. But childishness is the essence of my being for the last.... 17 years.

UGH.
I bet I'll look back to this post 3 years later and go 'Who childishly writes about being childish. So childish'. EEE.

Lol so anyway, I've been typing the word childish so much it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.
Alright then, will try to catch some sleep.
Peace out.

Tonight

Tonight, I will wail to my heart's desire.

I will let out all the feelings I've bottled up inside. All the red face moments I had to bear through at school.
I will feel pathetic. I will feel defeated. I will feel alone.

I will let all the bad feelings consume me.

But tomorrow, I will wake up and I will forget all about it.

I will hold my head up high, collect my own mess and carry on.

Sudahlah Elsa.

La Tahzan.

DORAAAEEEMOOON

There's a lot of hate going around in this world.
I will not exclude myself from it. Because hating stuffs are proven to be so magnificently satisfying for the soul. And so today, I will write about my pet peeves.

1) Being woken up by someone.
I don't care who it is. Whether it's my hypothetical  ~boyfriend~ trying to be sweet and ~caring~ by calling or texting me to wake me up, or it's my mum who wakes me up because she thinks I will oversleep. I wake myself up that's the rule. I'm such a light sleeper that a slight sound can wake me from my slumber. To me personally, it's the single most annoying thing in the whole wide word. I always set up alarm clocks to wake me up. I set an average of 4 to 6 alarms a day. I don't trust the snooze button. So I set the alarms 1 minute apart. And I always put the alarm next to my ears and the volume is always at the highest. When someone ruins the functions of my alarms by waking me up before they ring, I will get pretty upset because I've taken all the precautionary steps imagine and my efforts were in vain.
So yeah, I hate being woken up by a human being.

2) Being told to do unnecessary things.
The classic example of this is the school rules of course. Every day we have to go through the gate and we will be asked for our nails and socks. Once a week having to comply to this; I get it. But once a day.. Do they honestly think that our nails will grow disgustingly long overnight.. ... I dunno. It's illogical and it's a waste of time and it annoys the hell out of me.
 I'm not a rule breaker; simply because to break rules, you have to put some effort into it. But I don't like self righteous prefects who judge you like you're the biggest criminal in the world for not having sesi tags on your tudung. I get it, it's their job to check but is it really necessary for their tone of voices to be so condescending? It's sesi tag. Not.. drugs. It irks to me to the core.

3) My iTouch and its lame batter power
Stupid device can only last 5 to 6 hours with active usage. Its function is to be played with. That's the reason there are so many applications in there. But I found out that I cannot do this because of its limited battery power.
Joy.
So when I'm stuck in a 8 hour-long road trip and my only source of entertainment is my iTouch, I can't do anything but listen to music on it. SO BASICALLY I PAID ALMOST TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF AN MP3 PLAYER FOR THE SAME FUNCTION.
ARGJGAJHGHAAHHARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh

These are some of the things at the top of my mind. There's more, but I'm feeling quite happy right now so I guess I don't really have to the inspiration to continue writing negative things.
Not at this moment anyway.

I can barely say ~

I really need to lose weight sigh :c

It's so difficult though. I have no self control at all.
I'm not a fan of food- unless if it's Thai food of course. I don't have any specific cravings, don't have any favourite food. Which makes it ten thousand times worse because when I feel like binge eating, anything will do. Everything will do T__________T

This one time I ate young tau foo in the morning, 2 sets of blueberry toasts in the afternoon, potato chips afterwards and then pig out at my favourite Thai restaurant at night. My eating habit has become so severe and I have no idea why. Everything looks so delicious.

I'm a lazy person. If there's no food, I won't go look for it. Which was a huge contributing factor to my weight maintenance. But now, it's like, food > laziness. It used to be the one effect of my laziness that I can be proud of. But now, :c

And I still like the feeling of hunger. It makes me feel so secure. But I like being stuffed more now UGH. It's that feeling of abandonment that I get along with feeling so full. I feel so free when I eat without constrain.

MAYBE THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM.
I hope not.

:c

And I will hold on tight

I'm lucky because I managed to hold on long enough to heal.
I'm lucky because the worst thing I feel like doing when I'm sad is to cry.
I'm lucky because I haven't lost sight of the important things.
I'm lucky because I realize that even if one person did me wrong, so many other people treated me right.
I'm lucky because I have blessings to count.
I'm lucky because I don't disregard those blessings just because I've had my heart ripped out of my chest once.
I'm lucky because Allah has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Even when I don't see it that way sometimes, I am lucky.
Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful for everything.

Dah lama gila dah pun Elsa zz.

What are you still doing, thinking about it -__-'

I will let you choke from the noose around your neck

I'm not allowed to say I miss you. Because doing so would mean I'm still living in the past.

I guess I don't miss you, the you who left. The you who left weren't that nice of a person. The you who left was good riddance.

But you were also the same person who stayed up when I was sick. Who sang weird out of tune songs just because I asked.. And once in a while, you would appear on my phone simply because I crossed your mind.

It sucks- the fact that one could have so many different sides of them. That no one is constant. That one can grace the face of earth with their niceness one day but decided to not care the next day. 

We've been strangers for a while now. I guess I'm not that unhappy being a stranger to you. You were cruel to me for reasons I never did comprehend. But.. just for once, if I could get that feeling again. The feeling that I had with you, with someone else; someone who doesn't make it their life goal to hurt me constantly- it would be magical, wouldn't it?

Alas, I don't decide these things.

But I've decided let go. I've decided to let go of the hurt and the ill-feelings. I've decided to let go of you, most importantly. And you can't hurt me anymore even if you try.

I hate it that you make me sound like a martyr. Like I'm the only one wounded when you got to walk away unscathed. 

But that's the whole truth. You ended things so abruptly, so.. spitefully as if I'm diseased. You put me in such misery for months. I found out that months of supposed ~love~ turned out to just be a well told lie. I never mattered to you.

I supposed I contradicted myself a little bit in this post since I said I've let go. I should, I know that. I'm suppose to be a good person who forgives and forgets. 

But the quality of mercy is not strained. (This is a misuse of the phrase but I've been itching to use it since forever ;__;)

I suppose when I think about it, I can't really forgive you. Not when you're not even sorry. And I guess I'll carry this ill feelings forever. I'll think I've forgotten about it. And I will outgrow it and it will become an insignificant memory from my past. But always, whenever I see something that reminds me of you, I'll think of the bitterness of it all.

And the fraction of sweet memories will only sadden me.

For once, I want to admit that I haven't forgotten you.

I haven't forgotten any of it.

It's not anger, at least I don't think so. Just a terrible scar I couldn't get rid of.

A scar that, for now, I think would never disappear.

I'm not even suppose to think about this but I am.

It's black and white ~~~

Real life events don't induce me to tears anymore.

I wonder why..

Of course fictional events I saw on television still do. But everything that happens around me doesn't make me tear up anymore.. 

Excruciating pain from surgery? No.. nope.

Pounding headache every second of everyday? No..

Feeling so stressed out over having 1 million things to do before school? Nahh.

Parents decide to be difficult and sputter harsh words? Nope. Not a single tear was shed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a huge, real progress as I've always been a big cry baby since the dawn of time. When I was in Standard 1 I cried for 3 months straight because I was so outraged by the new strange environment in school. And when I entered lower Form 1, I was so keen to be the 'smart kid' that I cried because I found out my intellectual level could never match to the existing smart kids in that school. 

Which was why I decided to stop caring come Form 2 but that's another long story zz.

The point is, tears have been constant companion. I don't exactly fancy it but it has done its part in keeping me sane over the years.

So what changed then?

Have I hardened inside?! Or did I simply grew up?

I guess I'll never know.

I like it this way though.. It doesn't make me strong or anything. How can you be strong when you don't even care enough to be weak...

It's so weird. I've became so distant. Hmm.

But I guess what's weirder is; no one has noticed.

So maybe this is all in my head....................

DUN DUN DUN.

Tonight we are young~

No more frustration, no more anger.

No more sparks, no more laughter,

No more darkness, no light either.

The only thing that is here is well, busyness and distractions. Maybe having something to look forward to would be ideal. Would fill this empty void. Perhaps.

Not another human being of course. They only complicate things. 

Or maybe I'm being ungrateful.

So many things are happening around me; mostly it involves school. Well my social scene is only limited to school anyway. 

And I like school.

But there has to be more to life than.. that.. Than staying back every single day and going back home to study at night. Surely. 

Or maybe this is as good as it gets.

omg I can't summon that sanguine blogging mood anymore.

How sad :'c

Had me believing it was always something that I had done ~~

Now that the surgery is done, the headache still prolongs. Dilemma.

What do I say to my parents? They'd be worried. 

What if the headache never goes away.

The surgery was expensive. And to find out what's wrong with me (now that the surgery has proven to be in vain) would be even more expensive. I'm so tired of going in and out of the hospital.

Do I keep it to myself?

What if it's something serious? But then again, what if it's not?

Headaches sound so mild though. But it doesn't feel mild at all. 

I guess pain killers is the solution.

Loads and loads of pain killers.

Sigh

'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes'
'Peace upon thy heart'

:c

Swerve.

Avoid.

Miss.

Few more months more to go. You'll be just fine Elsa.

Run for your life

True, life is about ups and downs.
But what do you do when you feel like you're going through more downs than ups? I tell myself that I'm fine. And I am. But there are certain times when I know that I am not.
The worst part is, I can't talk to anyone because.. well.. I've talked to everyone.

And they can't offer me solutions. I can't offer myself solutions. So now I'm in a rut. I've been in that rut for quite a while now.

But life goes on. And I feel like I'm being left behind. I find myself struggling to just have a breather. I find myself wondering when does it get better for me. I know the root to my all of these ~feelings~. And apparently it's a taboo so I can't talk about it.

But you can't lie to yourself. No matter how hard you try, you just can't.
I did everything though. Everything in my power to be better. But it's not enough. And there's nothing left for me to do anymore except wait. And I've waited so long. So many things have changed. But I'm still stuck here.
I've used up all my emotional crutches - my friends so to speak. But harsh word were uttered. There are no longer kind understanding on their part just rushed 'it has been too long now, you should have gotten over it by now'. And I can't argue because they are right. I know they are.

But knowing that they're right left me feeling so.. alone. And loneliness sucks.

More than that really, even I'm starting to resent myself. That's not news. But I've been doing so more than usual lately. That's worse than feeling alone. It's worse than feeling so weighed down you can barely breathe. It's like you're having a constant battle with yourself. And the weaker part of you always finds a way to feel so low that you have to cry yourself to sleep in order the function properly again the next day.

And now I'm past the point of wondering when will I get out of this rut. I've relented to the fact that I probably never will. And no matter how far I travel, no matter what I achieve, I just know that I will always be in that rut.
I will always feel this empty.
And I will always be this lonely.

All you are is mean

Hellish is probably the most suitable word I can describe myself.
Well, just had my surgery. It was a minor one. Minor surgery doesn't exclude pain post-op it turns out.
Lol how could I be so naive to think that I'd be just fine after the surgery?

I would go into detail of how the surgery went. Parts that I could remember anyway. But it's very depressing, even for me.
And so here I am again, being a big baby about this whole thing, but it hurts when a person cut pieces of your nose bone. It really does :c

And it still hurts now. And blood can't stop gushing out of my nose. Sometimes I puke blood clots because the blood from my nose decide to travel down my throat. It's the most uncomfortable experience I've ever gone through.

SIiiIiighhhhHh.

The war outside your window is raging on

I will survive this, just like I've survived everything else.

Of course I'd feel so alone along the way but then again, what else is new?

I can't shut down that nagging feeling of loneliness for some reason. Is it because I'm too dependent on certain people? I guess so. But I had the blessing of knowing what it's like to not feel this lonely.

And in a lot of ways, I miss that feeling.

I dismiss it as human nature. But is it though? Maybe I'm the only reason why I feel like this. I would change if I think it'd make a difference. But you can't change the innermost part of you. It has always been a part of you.

Sure you can suppress those feelings. Tell yourself that you're happy the way you are. And to a certain extend, that is true. But those feelings that you suppress aren't going anywhere until you find a way to deal with them. And I can't deal with them. I don't know how to.

It's a curse to know myself as well as I do. It's a curse to be aware of every tiny micro feelings I feel inside me.

It's SPM soon enough. Next year I'm no longer a child according to the legal system of Malaysia. I take that as a sign that I'd have to start filling this emptiness within me without depending on other people. I'd have to feel happy on my own accord and not let anyone take control over my happiness. 

I guess I just need a turning point so that I would improve.

How can I improve if every thing is the same? If I walk the same hallway, if I sit at the same couch, if I sleep in the same bed, if I'm always around triggers to those memories I ought to leave behind, how am I suppose to feel like I'm moving forward.

So I guess all I need right now is a little change of scenery.

A breath of fresh air.

And I will feel better.

Dancing in the downpour

Today was cross country day at school :D

Emerald Green emerged as first runner up for cross country. And we won for best board design. I haven't really been contributing as much as I'd like though since I'm practically useless is anything involving arts and I can't really be a leader to the juniors since I'm like so awkward around everything :''C

But I'm still proud of Green nevertheless. Sports day in 4 months, we still have a long way to go. It'd be really nice for Emerald Green to be champion this year.

Ugh so much spirit for my house \o/

Moving on, I'll be having my first ever surgery on Monday. Would be hospitalized for 2 days. My friends sent me off with well wishes. But truth be told, I'm not really worried.
Not that much anyway.

I'll be fine really. It's just a tiny minor surgery. And I won't even feel anything because of the anesthetics. But most of all, I hope this wretched headache would be gone after the surgery. Can't wait to have my life back.

Wah such a short post.
ABRUPT ENDING~~

Just smile back

It doesn't work when you suppress good memories just to remember the bad ones.

Good always triumphs above evil.

Love always triumphs above hate.

Almost 17 years of breathing have at least taught me that much.

But where do you draw the line? Where do you tell yourself that the good memories aren't worth remembering anymore? 

I'm not stupid. At least I don't think I am. But when you let go completely, is it possible to forget everything too? Is it possible to not wish to go back to that familiarity?

Because ultimately it's safer and it's less lonely there.

But you see, you have to go away from where you're not wanted.

You've stopped asking why you're not wanted because you'll never receive the answer anyway. But you feel so lonely in this strange, new place that you wonder why do things have to change when you're constant?

Why can't things be easy?

Why can't other people stay the same?

What is the terrible thing that I did to land myself in this awful position in the first place?

It's easy to feel better when you remind yourself what you have yet to uncover in the future. But really, you know, you don't really care for the future if you could still have what you had in the past now, in the present.

And now I will stop whining. I will stop being weak. And I'll stiffen up my upper lip because tears are not attractive on a 17 year old girl.

It's time to grow up.

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back

I'm sick.
Like mucus coming out from your nose hands trembling temperature rising non-stop sneezing kind of sick.

So I will blog randomly to make myself feel better.

I don't have any idea why but when I'm in this particular physical state, I tend to cry. Sometimes ugly sobbing, sometimes just a prickle of brave tear I decide to not withhold.
It's just that when you're sick, all those things you chose to look past will resurface to haunt you; like how much work you're handling, how SPM is coming to eat you alive, scholarship drama, the fact that you probably won't get into a nice college abroad like how you've always dreamed of doing because your parents couldn't afford it without a scholarship. And mostly, the fact that you're alone and you want nothing else at this moment than to find someone to sneeze to or to sob horribly on the phone to just let everything out.

Thing is, I know. I know I'm a big emotional baby who's so vulnerable she can't even handle a simple flu.
I know no one will get it. It's just a simple flu, people get sick all the time. Some people get wayy sicker than I.
But I don't know.
Is it that difficult to find someone who'd withstand my ugly sobbing and disregard it as temporary insanity on my part caused by excessive sneezing?

I guess I could just go to my mum beg her for a hug and just cry my heart out.
But that won't work. Because for some reason, I just know she would judge me.
And there's nothing more that I hate in this world than being judged.

I miss that feeling. That feeling of security when you know you have at least one person in this world to be however you want to be to. That feeling when you can just show just how much of a weakling you are and not have them judge you. How wonderful it is to have someone who'd pull you into a warm embrace when they see that you're sick and upset.
To have someone who gets it. Who gets it that to me, being sick sucks so bad that sobbing is the only option to feel better.

But that's always too much to ask for. I know that. I know that I can't do anything to change any of this too. And chances are I would have to grow up and not break down every time I encounter tiny pathogens which lead to my sickness.

I like this blog though.
So for the time being, every time I get sick (which is pretty often) I would type and type and type all my sorrows away. It helps.
It really does.
When all else fails, at least I will always have this blog.

Like resignation at the end

Indifference, to me is the emotion you reserve for a total stranger.
You don't know that person, you don't care about that person so the end result would be indifference.

Hatred is not indifference, is it?
It's not a good emotion but at the same time, when you hate someone it means that you think about them.
That they somehow occupy your thoughts and you feel an emotion towards them.

Indifference would also mean that you don't feel anything in one's presence. You have no problem looking at them, striking a conversation when needed and just not caring about their existence.

So, theoretically, when your ex couldn't return your glance, change his number to avoid you, wouldn't speak to you nor will he even mention your name, that would mean he isn't indifferent toward you. Am I right?

There's a place for you reserved somewhere within him that prevented him from just ignoring your existence.
Maybe it's hatred, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's even love.

It's just pitiful when you hate someone you used to have a history with. Particularly when that person you hate hasn't even done anything worth hating. I think it's a disguise of an even deeper emotion that you simply don't have the desire to figure out.
It's easier to hate someone than to realize you can't get over them. You push them away because it's easier than working things out. But then those feelings you suppress resurface and you, always looking for the easy way out just dismiss them as hatred. Simply because it's easier and it works for you.

I can't relate to those who won't reflect on themselves.
Those who don't know what's going on in their own head.
Those who just can't be bothered to know their own emotions.

Much less those who screwed up so badly while involving someone else's emotions besides their own but refused to take any responsibility for it.
And in the end, simply walked away to save his own sorry ass.

Sigh. How inhuman can some human beings get.

Somebody I used to know

Ha.
I guess I had horrible things happening to me over the years. Friends talked behind my back. Boyfriends left, hurt me constantly. Guys insulted me for no obvious reason other than existing. Strangers hit me with a motorbike and then blamed me for it. Parents made bad decisions that they thought are good for me.

I mean, horrendous.
My situation did rectify itself though. What's life without problems huh?
But these things it made me realize that, I'm not actually a kid anymore.

These kind of obstacles would be happening to me for years to come as long as I shall live. And I'm not quite bothered by this ~epiphany~. I get sad for a while when stuffs happen to me. But after that, things always eventually got better.

As cliche as it is, life is a roller coaster.
There's no one event that define your life forever. Life is a series of events with no obvious plot so to speak.
One momentous decision that you thought would change your life forever, sometimes did nothing for you. It will end up forgotten. It will end up as something from your past.

And I think that's very unfortunate. I would like my life to be like.. a story. With climax in the middle, with conflict and the ultimate resolution. But it doesn't work that way I guess. Sometimes life for people like me, is meant to be a bore.

I have goals to achieve. I work towards that goal.
I achieve those said goals.

And then I die.
Which sounds very morbid doesn't it? But it really is not. That's just life.

Lol look at me giving my view on life.. and stuffs. Very ~philosphical~ eh. Hihi.
What is wrong with me.

Never planned on you changing your mind

Happy would-be one year. Lol there's that.. Now I'll continue life and you'll continue not caring. Ahh gotta love life.

So.. I just got hit by a motorcycle on the road.
Was shaken for a while.
Cried to let it all out.

Then held my head up high and continued life.
Ugh I am so proud of myself.

Sidenote though, berdarah habis kaki.

I'm not sorry I met you

Hey, look at me, I'm not damaged.
I'm not scared. I'm not emotionally distant.
I still believe in fairy tales.

I'm still the sappy old person who cares too much.
Only, I now realize that it's not a disadvantage.

I like hoping that everyone in this world isn't a jerk. I like wondering what it's like when time comes that a guy can lift my feet off the ground - literally and figuratively. I like being so touched and marveled by everything in life.
I like feeling hope.

It's a great, wonderful thing.
And I'm so proud of the fact that I didn't let one measly bad chapter in my life change me. It didn't define me. It was just a mistake.

And it was good while it lasted. It was wonderful that I got to cross path with someone that had made me feel so special once.
It hurts when it ended, of course. I guess some part of me do wish that I could have it back again. But my feeling, however significant it is to me, in the end is only significant to me. I can't make people feel things that they do not feel for me. So I let go. Surely someone who doesn't care about you shouldn't hold any place in your heart.

I'll just keep on hoping that one day, my feeling would also be significant to someone else. I hope that I would be important in someone's life. I hope that I will find my intended.
Because I still believe in a prince charming.
I do.

I believe in that little dance my heart does. I believe in that big future together. I believe in being happy with someone who wants to be happy with me.

I cry during romantic movies.
I love inspirational quotes.
I still cry a lot.
I'm the same person before I met you. And I am so proud of that.

I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

If this was a movie

I guess my anger subsides too quickly.
People say it's noble.

It is I guess. But nobility doesn't get you anywhere in this world. People don't care about nobility. They would most probably take advantage of it.
It opens you to so many doors of heartache.

I don't think it's a choice you know.
No one chooses to be good all the time; to feel so little anger and have so much care to give. Even to those whom so obviously don't deserve the care- much less wants it.
There're so many other people I will meet in the future, insyaallah. I'm terrified of the prospect of meeting the wrong person again.
I'm genuinely scared that I won't last in the real world. I trust people so easily.
I don't learn from my mistakes.

My biggest flaw is believing that everyone has a little bit of good inside even if they've proven time after time that they're rotten inside and out.
I'm a pushover. That's who I am.
It's all I'll ever be..

I was true

Do you know what it's like then?
To be betrayed by someone whom you regarded as your friend?
One of the best, really.

To be betrayed by someone who had sworn to protect you from harm?
To be betrayed by someone whom you never in a million years thought would?

Was it fun for you? Tearing me down into shreds? Leaving me alone in the dark? When you're the one whom so eloquently promised to be there for me when I'm in need?

I was stupid. I've always been stupid.
But at least I'm human enough to differentiate right and wrong.

At least I'm not you.

Mum : Your ex looks like a chipmunk.

I AM SORRY BECAUSE THIS WOULD SEEM REALLY MEAN. But my mother's brilliance cannot go unnoticed. Her tactlessness infuriates me at times but in this case, wow mum. HAHAH.
Chipmunk though.
HAHHAHAHAHHA

I talk in my sleep.
Well no. Actually, I talk, text and call people in my sleep.

I didn't think it's humanly possible really. But it is.
Le sigh

I have nothing but resentment for you.
Don't you have conscience at all? How can one person change so.. much..
I feel cheated. Most of all I am disgusted with you.

Bitch.

Ya Allah facepalm tahap max ok. You push everyone away then nak kalut takde kawan. Then you find another friend and when you get sick of them you push them away too.
Then you're back in the market for a new friend. ~__~

Side note though, cute guys are everywhere nowadays. Wah wah.

Just close your eyes

I wonder what it's like to be a good writer. To naturally have endless flowing ideas fighting their way out of you. To have strong perseverance that could prevent you from giving up when you have a slight lack of idea.

To know what you want to write about and being able to stick to that story until the very end.

I imagine it to be magical really. To be able to word your escapism from reality in such delicate ways that it almost feels real. To know some much words from a language that you could express yourself so thoroughly.

I would love to know what it's like to be a good writer.

I don't plan for things. I go with the flow until time comes when I can't anymore. And I guess to have a good plot, you need to be able to see how the plot will unfold in front of you.

I just don't have that ability I guess. 

Sigh.

So house election went better than expected dun dun dun. Some parts of me do wish that someone would shout my name when it was time for president nominations. Guess what though? Someone did. 

I didn't get the post, of course. 

But hay, some juniors, younger than me strangers found me endearing enough to nominate me as their president. That's got to worth for something right?

It gave me hope that I'm not that socially awkward as I initially thought I am. I mean, I think I carry myself quite well in public. How else can these strangers have faith in me that I could lead them, albeit it being just a Sport House of course?

A little part of me stopped looking down upon myself so much. Maybe it's arrogance, or maybe it's just a tad bit of confidence. But that was the sweetest thing any strangers has ever done for me :')

I didn't get the post, it's a tough competition. There were so many other worthier candidates than I. But I am part of the B.O.D. :)

Literature class started again today! It's been a long couple of months without it. Puan Sibyl left us :c But Puan Chris is a worthy replacement, no doubt about that. But I will always miss Puan Sibyl of course. She was the reason Literature is my only favourite subject in school. Zzz. But that was a great Literature class nonetheless. Am super excited about the prospect of Holes, the play our class will be putting up. 

Super duper excited.

I have no idea why I'm so sanguine lately. Writing about my day practically everyday. ~__~ I guess I'm just in a very good mood. 

I hope I'll be in a good mood for the rest of the year.

Lolz.

Safe and sound

I feel so light headed these days. Things have been great now that school has start.
I don't have any burden on my shoulder anymore.
I just feel.. so free.

Studying isn't a burden too. It's actually very liberating.
I'd be busy come to think of it. With SAEYLS 2012 and my Literature play and co-curricular activities.

Health-wise though, I've been in and out of the hospital for the past few months. It's getting very redundant really. Doctor is adamant on the fact that I shouldn't need a surgery. But the headache is now constant and very severe when it decides to attack zzz. Honestly, it's been 3 months, how long does the doctor need to realize that his meds regiment do not work on me. What's so terrible about losing part of your nose bone anyway?!
But anyway, my next appointment is in 4 weeks time. I don't think I'd have time for surgery by then. What's with school and all. But how am I suppose to function with this stupid headache weighing me down? The recovery would probably take weeks. I don't have weeks to spare I have so many things to be done!

Squinting eyes to see the whiteboard a midst a headache isn't very fun to tell you the truth.
My tv show infested life is going great too! Grey's Anatomy came back after a long hiatus. I almost died towards the end of the episode. Didn't think I'd be capable of crying that hard.
Sherlock entered Series 2 and I'm wating for the second episode of this season to download. Unifi is being an ass as of now zz.
Psych would be back come February mahdkajdhak cannot w8!!!!!!!!!!
How I Met Your Mother and 2 Broke Girls are back YAY!
And Glee would be back this week :D

Tomorrow would be Sports House annual meeting in which they appoint all the Board Of Directors members to lead Green house this year. I don't know what to expect lol. But I hope that this year, as it is my last year in high school I could leave the school feeling like I've done something for Green house. Seeing as it never actually became champion for the duration of 4 years I've studied in that school. But we'll see. :3

Lol I sound very school spirited all of a sudden don't I? But hey, last year in school can do that to you. I guess it's just very early in the year. I bet my spirit would subside as time goes by haha.

I love feeling like this. I feel so.. happy. I have no idea exactly why. But hey, sometimes things do change for the better eh?
I feel like the noose around my neck has been cut off me and I'm free.
I don't take relationships with human beings that seriously anymore. It really is better to be alone in all aspects so to speak. I go to school alone. I sit alone whenever I can. And I remember only to surround myself with people during times when I'm happy.
Other than that, it's nice to feel solitude.
Because really, the only person you can depend on is yourself. People will just have change of hearts and do stuffs to you without you comprehending why.

I'm comfortable by myself. I feel content.
I'm happy and content.

Is it a mere facade?

Am I a mere facade?

Why am I this weak? Why am I so behind time?

I'm tired.

Hey moon, please forget to fall down.

Damn, what is wrong with you Elsa. You can't help someone who despises you.

Especially when you don't know what you did in the first place to make them despise you.

I guess my weak heart can't work with resentment. Resentment fades.

To say that I'm not moving on is false. I am. I can feel the burden of wanting someone who doesn't want me lifted off my shoulder.

Does moving on requires total utmost ignorance though? 

I guess, yes. Evidences clearly point to that.

I'll just act like I don't care then. And maybe in time, I really won't.

Irks me when girls expect boys to take care of their fragile heart.
When girls think boys owe them to be nice. Konon gentleman.

Don't expect to get favours just because you're a girl. It's degrading.
And pathetic to be honest.

I mean, of course there's nothing wrong with a little bit of niceness. But what about the fact that we're all humans. Boys have feelings too.

Why can't girls open the car doors for boys for once?
Or buys him credits when he's in need?
Why is it degrading for girls to spend money on guys when it's basically obligatory for guys to spend money on girls? Kalau tak spend, tak gentleman lah. ZzzZzZzZZ

What is all of this expectations that guys are to take care of girls? I mean, it's one thing if they're tied in marriage. But if the only that ties them is the term 'in a relationship'.. where does this logic comes from?

Idk, girls like to complain that they're look down upon because of their gender.
But at the same time they have no problem receiving petty favours that they could do themselves.

I mean, seriously.

Meh

What is your problem with me?

Just because my name is Elsa, doesn't mean I'm not Malay enough. You don't get to give me condescending looks and remark on how you miss the old days when Malays 'ada jati dari'.

What.

It is my name. I've lived with it my whole life. And it doesn't strike you that I might get offended when you so openly insult my name?!

Also, indirectly implying that my parents' suck at choosing names?

Gosh.

Because despite my best efforts, it still hurts to see you not give a fuck.

Le Fu-

Derpina is me and I am derpina.

Kawan, oh kawan. Kawan.

Another year

I'm starting anew.