I'm a generally oblivious person.
Or that's what I want people to think.
In reality I'm a very self-aware person. And self-awareness of course would usually come with self-scrutiny that would lead to insecurity.
I'm aware I'm fat and not that pretty but I've generally came to terms with that. I'm not that distressed about it. Because for the most part I don't really care how other people perceive me. So yes I don't know what point I'm coming to here but bear with me.
It's an interesting paradox: I feel insecure when I scrutinize myself but I don't care about what other people think of me. It's a paradox because well, generally when people are insecure, it's caused by other people's perception of them.
Like a really bad picture of me at the most unflattering angle would be posted up by a friend; she would post it up on her Instagram account to 500++ followers but I'd be absolutely void of the urge to ask her to take the picture down or anything. But I'd notice the sinking feeling of 'Oh, that's how I look like in real life'.
I guess what gets me through the day is extreme denial. I would avoid looking at the mirror at all cost. I absolutely hate my reflection. And yet again, if someone were to come up to me and say 'Hey Elsa, you're fat!' I would scoff at them and reply, 'ok'. Because it is a fact, an unpleasant one, but it shouldn't bother other people but me.
And it does bother me. I just.. am very good at pretending. I convinced myself that I don't care and forced myself into oblivion. And strangely, it works. Really well.
But I do break down a lot. Whenever I do accidentally glance at the mirror, I break down. Or when I notice my boyfriend's lingering stare at a girl much thinner and prettier than me, I'll cry.
It's a pathetic thing to admit.
But here, at this little space, I feel brave enough to pull my mask down. Oh, how I miss you blog.
It's sad; the only person I feel safe to talk to is a person called Internet.
