Don't forget me. Even when I'm gone.

Please.

Weirdly indifferent about the fact that I might have a terminal disease.

Like a boss.

The world is your oyster ~

So hay it's the 31st of December 2011. 

The significance of it, however, for me is arguable.

No matter what the date is, it's still just another day.

Me, come Hrs 0000, 1st January 2012;

That's how I've been spending the last 3 new years of my life.

Been ending the years alone since I could remember. 

If you could just see me now, you will see how different I am.

Lights will guide you home

And it'll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it'll hurt less and less. And eventually, you'll remember him and it'll only hurt a little.


No more hope for the big return.
No more late night reminiscent of what could've been done differently to secure a happy ending.
No more wishful thinking about the impossible after watching a romantic film.

It still exists at the back of my mind. But with luck, that's the only place in my mind that it will occupy.

Humans are humans. In the end, it's nobody's fault. No one can control what the heart desires.
And someone is bound to get hurt, sooner or later.
I've made my peace with that.

Finally, Allah has given me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Alhamdulillah.

Give me something to believe in

Today, just because I feel especially bitter, I'm going to list some of the things I find suckish. Just because :)

1) Not having any soul.

I can imagine how suckish that'd be. Just walking around, empty inside at all times. Not having the desire to experience life because of the said emptiness. Very suckish.

2) Being mutilated into shreds by a psychopath(s).

Had quite a few of these dreams lately. It sucks because I imagine it to be very painful. Well, duh.

3) Being forced into watching Malay movies/shows 24/7.

I've been in Langkawi for the past 7 days. My grandma only subscribed to Malay channels when it comes to Astro. Sure I have internet here but the turtle speed.. well let's just say the only thing that comes in between me and a smashed laptop is my dad. Because it's his laptop to speak of. Well yeah. So the only option I have is to watch the TV. I mean, some of the shows aren't that bad. I'm a Malay myself. And takkan Melayu hilang di dunia. ( I love that saying btw, whenever I hear it, it'll give me goosebumps). But the shows are so poorly written that I sometimes have this uncontrollable urge to weep for my race. Or maybe it's just not my cup of tea. Or coffee, or orange juice for that matter.

4) Being nocturnal.

Sucks to the very core. It started since my trip across Europe last month. The jetlag hasn't passed since. I can't sleep before 4 am. And I'd wake up at 12 at the very earliest. Thing about waking up so late is, there'd be time when I would have no choice but to wake up early. And that time will be quite soon. And I won't know what to do with myself when that time comes.

5) Being so lazy you basically turn into a fat ugly sloth.

Self explanatory really. But I will explain because I want to. And this is my blog. AND I WILL BE SMUG ABOUT THAT FACT BECAUSE I LIKE MY BLOG. Lately, I've been so unmotivated to do anything at all. I feel lazy to go to bed. I feel lazy to sleep. I feel lazy to even eat. I struggle with my laziness too. It's a constant struggle whether I should sit to do nothing or whether I should lie down to do nothing. Difficult choice because the two are very appealing in their own way. The only thing I feel motivated to do is to complain about how unmotivated I am.

Abrupt ending!

Lukewarm

My parents taught me that nothing ever comes easy.
From the day I was born, every thing I have, I must earn.

Excluding the basic essentials of course.

It's quite stressful really. Because now that I'm 16, I actually have the option of having my own mode of transportation. Namely. a motorbike.
But how do one earn a motorbike?! How do a 16 year old with no job earn enough money for a motorbike?
And that's from the money angle alone.

My mum and dad are adamant of the fact that I can't be trusted because of my ''clumsiness''. Well to that, I say pish posh. I'm perfectly capable of stirring a motorcycle and not get into random accidents.

Gah. Overbearing parents are overbearing.
It is sooooooooooo frustrating because well for one thing, I know they could afford a motorcycle for me. -__-' The same way I know they could afford to buy me a decent phone but opted to buy me the cheapest phone in the market instead (well, actually I have to pay for that myself too).

Thing is, a motorbike can do so much to me. Transportation problems no more. And call me pathetic but being on a motorbike is the world's greatest feeling. I mean, having the wind on your hair. Feeling so.. vulnerable on the street that it filled you with adrenaline. Especially on the free way.
In fact, even if my parents won't let me have a motorbike at the age of 16, I will buy one for myself when I'm a functioning adult.

When will my parents see that I'm actually growing up the way I'm supposed to (albeit I'm shorter than most people my age?). I mean, I think I'm responsible enough..
If my parents are afraid I'll go wild in the presence of motorbike, I think they're sorely mistaken (much to my dismay).

I hate social scenes. I've been out with my friends once during this holiday. Once.
So I don't see the basis of their irrational worry.

Meh.

Distance.. without hope to return is just that; distance.

:)

Just :)

Release your inner visions

I was so.. young a year ago.

Nothing in life is permanent. That much, is proven. The only constant thing in life is change.
And I guess a lot of things have changed since a year ago.

I don't think growing up did anything for me in particular (except maybe enhancing my bra size). But guess what?
I'm not awkward anymore. I can hold a conversation with a stranger and despite blushing like mad, I can engage their attention for a certain period of time.

I'm not that naive around strange guys anymore. I no longer hand out my phone number randomly.
Yeah I used to do that. Low self esteem maybe. Didn't think any guy would ever find me attractive enough to approach me for my digits. In the rare cases that random guys do approach me, I'd disregard them as being friendly. And just give them my phone number. Because well, no one likes a stuck up girl who thinks she's ~all that~
But now, well, I guess there is a reason why guys would ask me for my phone number and that reason, is not to be friendly at all. In some alternate universe, I am actually considered worthy of requesting phone numbers from. What a revelation huh.

One thing I do notice though, guys who are shameless enough to approach you in malls randomly for your phone number, aren't exactly the type of guys you would want to have your phone number. It's always like that, everytime.

I also learn that it's impossible to please everyone at all times. I learned that I would still try to please everyone in spite of knowing I will never be able to do so.

I learn that just because we're nice to people or we'd do anything for their happiness. Just because we think that they've given us enough reason to trust them with all of our hearts. Doesn't mean that they won't do a complete 180 and stab you in the back with a dirty icicle.

I learn that the only person you can trust is yourself.
I learn that I'm not as ugly as I thought I am. I learnt that some people (my mum, especially) find my shortness rather endearing. I learn that I'm not harmful to anyone in any way. I learn that turning 17 is a pretty big deal compared to turning 16 or 15.

I learn a lot of things by the end of 2011.
Though I could probably live without these lessons.

Left

I guess, in a way, I just want to escape.

Life back at home is so, draggy and redundant. I love my home. I love my little room and the small corner reserved for my laptop and its awesome sound system.

However, the routine of it all, the faces, the places make me feel so still. Like I'm stuck. 

Thing is, there's nothing left for me there anyway.

It isn't really my home is it. It's just a place I happened to move to 7 years ago.

I don't like PJ anymore.

I wish I could move far away. Start anew.

And I reckon I'll be able to in a few years. 

Can't wait.

I see no point in keeping this blog anymore..

And a part of me lost a little bit of hope I've been holding onto. 

I'm scared.

And alone.

Heh.

Blur ~

It was stupid.
I was stupid.

To think that something like this could've last forever. To think that now you're here, you can never leave.

Well you proved me wrong huh.

You had it easy. Way too easy.

I lick my own wound to recover from you. We never had fights. Not really. 

I would never pick fights.

What we had was you suddenly turning cold and me getting upset over the same fact.

It's like you had no regards for what I could've felt.

It's there. It existed right from the very start. I chose to be blind though. Somehow thought that the fact you're here, means you want to be here.

I ignored the fact that I must've want to be here more than you do.

You had it so easy. 

Because you never cared.

You seemed like you did alright. But I think that's just circumstantial. When you see me crying for example, you care the most. But you can shut down that part of you at moment's notice.

Thing is, I'm always questioning myself. I was never sure with you.

Always doubtful.
Always insecure.

I thought it was me. But you did nothing. You saw the insecurity eating me from the inside and you did nothing.

When a simple 'I love you' confession could make everything better, you can't even do that.

The saddest part of this all is, I'm starting to doubt whether there was any truth in our relationship at all.

Whether I imagined it all.

Now I'm afraid to fall. And because of that I may never fly again. :)

Hope

You think you're upset. Broken inside. Alone.
You realize no one knew or cared. At least not one that matters most.

You think you realized it all.
And you think you want him to care.

You hope that he will save you. But he won't. And you struggle with yourself. You feel like stomping your feet on the ground. You want to throw a tantrum. Shout at that person's ear; 'Help me, I'm drowning. Save me, please'. You hope that he would just look up, and see you the way he saw you before and lend you his hand. You hope that he won't just stand there and mercilessly stare at you as you die.

But you can't force feelings.
You can't make other people choose you.

That's not how life works unfortunately. The only person you can put your hope in is yourself.
I am my own hero.

Hoping in the impossible though, isn't weak. It's admirable.
For me, anyway.
And so I hope that one day, I will find someone to share my hero status with. I hope that he will be good to me. I hope that I'll be my own hero again when time comes that he's not good to me. I hope that I can have him in my life without giving myself away completely. I hope I've learned my lesson and be more guarded. I hope that someday I will find someone who will respect me. I hope, that even if I'm hurt again in the future, I will never lose hope.
I hope.

And I hope for the sake of myself, if it's written that I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, I will be content.

I am content for now. I've let go. And so I hope I will never look back.

I am full of hope.
I was rejected and abandoned. But I have a roof over my head. I have a full life ahead of me. I have a beautiful watch.
I am a person. And even when I am not treated like one, I'm still a person.

I matter.

I will smile, I will take a shower, I will hold my head up high.

Because I can.

Nah I won't cry anymore.

Numbnut?

Numbnut
Numbnut?
Yeah, numbnut.
Who's a numbnut?
You're a numbnut.
But why?
Because you're dumb and you're cute, like a nut.


I beg to differ regarding the cuteness of the said nut.
Numbnut though, think I could work with that :3

You know, if you keep this up, you will mess my tough girl act faster than I think.

I am as bored as a pogo stick.

Its 5 o'clock in the morning ~

Being abandoned is so.. pathetic huh.
So.. so..pathetic it's unspeakable.

I was abandoned. Someone left me because they can't stand being around me one moment longer. I actually had someone telling me straight to my face that they want me to leave them alone.


What a late night revelation.

Wrote a whole post about dishonest compliments.
Erased it all because it seems to boastful.

But conclusion is, gentlemen know how to be subtle.
Compliments are to be honest and exchanged only if you love someone.

Other than that, it can be misleading and stupid.

Okay? Okay.

I struggle to find any truth in your lies

Solitude, for me is underrated.

I've been so caught up in my own irrelevant fear of being alone that I failed to see being alone is indeed a blessing in itself.

You can get things done faster, you can do whatever you like without thinking of another person's feeling, the only person you occupied yourself in thinking about is yourself. It's a hoop that never ends.

You'd think of better ways to improve yourself for the benefit of yourself.

I do think I'm not good enough for anyone, that is a fact. So I would theoretically improve myself so that I could be good enough for someone. So I could make them proud and satisfy them with my achievements.

But the great thing of having no one to care about you is well, you can always be good enough for yourself. I'm happy the way I am. That's all that matters to me.

I'm the only one who matters to me.

How cool does that sound eh?

I will decide my own story from now on. I will decide what movie to watch, what time to sleep, what time I want to wake up, whether I want to eat for the day or not.

It's all on me now.

I will depend on myself and myself only.

Gtfo.

I do not need attention from anyone alright.

Alright.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I don't need any guy messing that up. So please, just leave me alone.

Okay?

Ok.

I'm a renegadee

Some people, their happy endings are written for them. Great lives, determinations, talents, everything that would  give them a jump start for great things in the future.

I'm not one of those people.
I don't get happy endings.

I get temporary happiness, I lose that happiness then I will have long, miserable attempts to gain back that temporary happiness. The cycle will usually repeat itself.

Guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't have it easy.
I do not have a great attitude nor do I have a witty mind. I don't have beauty, brains nor brawn. I'm so lazy, it's a miracle I got through school so far.. I do not have any motivation. I don't have anyone who cares enough for me to tell me to go and get my own motivation.

I don't have all that.
And I know I should change and stuffs like that. Yadda yadda yadda. I know putting myself down won't make any difference. I know some of you are thinking I'm just seeking attention.
Think whatever you want. Won't make any difference to me. Nada. ZIiiIiiIIiLLlLlLlCCCcCCcccHHhHh.

Thing is though, I used to think that being me, is enough. It's enough to be happy. To feel accomplished.
(Yeah, I'm still wondering whether I was high when I thought that)

It's not enough to be yourself.
You have to be desirable. You have to be pleasant to be around. You have to change your lazy ways. You have to go on a diet and make yourself thin.
Then only you'll be successful, you can be proud of yourself.

But when you're none of that, when you're me..
Well, you're doomed to have a life alone with 30 cats for the rest of your life (Not that I mind though).

Conclusion to this post is, just stop caring. If you stop caring, you won't feel nothing.
And it won't even matter that you don't have your happy ending.

Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

In 3 words I could sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on.

-Robert Frost

And indeed it does. Bad things, horrible things, they happen everyday. At some point, you'll wake up the next day not knowing what you did to end up where you are now.

But you owe it to yourself to still continue your life.

It's not going to be easy but then again, nothing in life is ever easy. And you will feel like giving up. You might even give up altogether.

But wasting your life away is never the answer.

We all want time to stand still for awhile just so that we could catch up. I know I'm tired of trying to keep up. If I could just have a little breather, I know I could do better.

But that's not how life works. We make the most of time, not the other way around. 

As cliche as it may sound, you have to be the one who save yourself. You have to be your own hero. That's how you can survive. People, they're just going to hurt you. Those who you thought you can trust, turned their backs against you. Those who you thought would never leave you, left.

Ultimately, the only person you can count on is yourself.

I'm still struggling to pick up the pieces of myself. But I will survive.

I know I will.

I thought I couldn't breathe without you,

But I'm inhaling.

You watch movies and you see this guy leaving this girl citing 'I'm not good for you, if I stay, I'm just going to hurt you more'. Or something similar. And this girl, well, she was stupid enough to fall for this guy. Who hurts her time after time. But she reserved a spot for that wretched guy somewhere in her heart. And she always comes back to him.

Until the guy walks away. Walks away because he thinks that he's just going to 'hurt' this girl if he stays.

You know what I think of this guy?
He's full of himself.

He's painting a picture as if he doesn't have any control in hurting her. So solution? He hurts her more.
He acts like as saviour to her. Trying to be a bigger man by walking away.
Pff.

The fact is, he's a coward. Selfish and cowardly, nowhere near noble.
If he doesn't love the girl, just admit to that fact. And leave. Don't sugarcoat it with the term 'walking away'. It's degrading for the girl. He strung her along, he hurt her countless times, she stayed through it all, and still, he gets to be the noble one. Because he can't stand to hurt her one moment longer, he walked away.

Well, no shit Sherlock. If you don't want to hurt her, don't. It's that simple. The fact is, your own selfishness and ego prevented you from treating her right.
You know that.
You don't get to release your own conscience by telling yourself and telling her, that you're doing this for her benefit. You lost your right to that when you pretended to love her.

Never give person false hope. It hurts.
You're the evil one.
You're the bad guy. You abandoned someone who trusted you.

She may never recover. She's broken because of you.
And you get to walk away unscathed while she struggles to pick up the pieces.

Make no mistake. You can trust no one in this world.

Tear me down.

She's not a person.

Why would anyone think she is? Why would anyone ever throw a second glance her way? Why does it matter if she's wasting her life away?

Because she's not a person.
Not for me anyways.

She can never be anything important in my life. Because she's not a person. I have things going on in my life.
She's not a person, why should I bother?

She's not important. No different than an inanimate object.
She can't be wounded. Even if she is, what does that has anything to do with me?
She's not a person.

Why isn't she a person? She's not a person because if she's a person, surely I'd feel something.
Surely I'd feel rotten for doing all of this to her.
But I don't feel anything. Because she's not a person. She's not a person.
Because if she ever leaves, I wouldn't notice. Her presence doesn't effect me in any way.

Why would I let her fall in the first place?
Because it happens. Because it didn't require any effort on my part. She did that herself.

Why did I lead her on?
Because it'll take effort to not lead her on. Besides, she's here already, might as well just do whatever I want with her. It might be nice to have an ego booster of sort, someone to be there for me when I feel bad about myself. Even if she's not a person, she could be very useful.

What about her then?
What about her? She's not a person. Even if she feels anything, she's still not a person. So why bother? I don't feel bad. I can't feel bad for an.. object. She certainly is not a person.

She's not a person.
And I, for one, don't have the slightest bit of desire to ever make things right with her. Because in the end, she wouldn't know the difference.
She's not a person.

When you were here

I like daydreaming about you.

Daydreaming doesn't hurt at all. Daydreaming feels right for all the wrong reasons. Daydreams always feel perfect. Situations that could not be further from the truth. But situations that make me feel so happy more than they should.

You know what hurts though?
Reality.

Too bad daydreams can't last forever.

Breathe. Just breathe.

What I feel right now: fsaghsfjkaslccm,sndaskdjashdwqodhwdjxnsm,.A';s,dsdjkasbcjshb

People suck.

I see the world ~

Sooooooo hi. I'm home :B I've been home for a while now actually. I'm back from my Europe trip :D:D::DD:D: And well, since I'm bored right now, I guess I will satisfy your curiosity by recapping how my days there were.

My first stop was Paris, France.
The highlight was of course DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!! It was such a

-----
Blergh. I'm lazy. If any one of you want me to continue just tell me ok. Because it's a boring trip anyway. And I dowan to waste my time writing if nobody wants to read lawl.

I takes so much effort to convey anger.

But it's so effortless to get hurt.

Now how is that fair?

Ok sudahlah.

Sakitnya tangan

This feeling, of not being able to control anything, it will erase me from this world completely.

It's utterly unbearable.