Life has been tiring. And I am confined in a very narrow box stamped with "ASSIGNMENTS" on it.
I have a test in 3 days. And then finals in a week.
And I feel so normal.
Indifferent if you might say so.
I've been out of touch with many people. Feels like I have no one in this world but one person whom I see every day. Sometimes I feel lonely and other times, I don't think about it.
But this is not a melancholic reminiscent. It is not dramatic. It's like I've accepted how lonely I am. Some people have friends, I don't. I'm not trying to make any. I just don't particularly know how to be close to another being.
Is that strange?
I will be leaving to the States InsyaAllah in 4 months. For 9 months before I return home for summer. Lol. I've been crazy under a mountain of tests and assignments.
It was not my intention at all to write about any of this. I just let my thoughts ran and this all came out. Nevermind let's just call this post 'A Stream of Consciousness' post. Lol idk why i put that in quote but whatever.
Growing up, I've had expectations about life and everything. I always knew that I would not be staying in this country for degree. For some reason, I always kind of knew that I would start my adulthood so far away from the comfort of my home. It's not that I'm particularly excited about it either. It's not that I WANT to go out of the country. It's just, for some reason, I had a hunch.
I never thought I would be so awkward around new people. I never thought that I would not fit in at all. And most of all, I never thought I would be going there with well, my boyfriend.
lol.
And he is so annoying sometimes. Constantly there. I can't even hear myself think sometimes because he surrounds me so much. But I love him. But I feel trapped. But he is so kind to me. He walked me everywhere, carry my books for me, fetch me and send me home which is 15 minutes away from his home every single day. He takes care of me when I'm sick. Look at me with sad eyes when I'm stressed about a test and will not talk because I don't talk when I'm sad or feel bad. And I sometimes feel so trapped in his kindness. His way of talking and how he scrunch up his nose when he laughs. And I don't doubt him. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
But how do one feel like this and still feel so claustrophobic at the same times.
He's good to me. But he doesn't like it that I like to be alone. I don't know what is wrong with me but sometimes when I have a particular bad day, I want to be alone. And being the kind guy that he is, he would leave me alone. But I don't feel alone. And he won't let me feel alone. There is something terribly unsettling about knowing that someone is on the other end just waiting for you to feel okay. Waiting for you. For some reason.
Is it good or is it bad?
Why do I need to feel like I'm alone all the time. Why do I seldom feel bothered with the fact that I don't have any friends. Why do I feel so content walking around running errands alone and not wanting people to tag along because I think they would anchor me down.
Something huge has changed within me. I feel trapped when I'm not alone. I feel solemn when I realise I'm lonely but I always knew my default state is loneliness.
I don't see the point in my parents coming for my graduation day because it's just 2 hours of speeches and me on the stage to take my certificate for 5 seconds. I take no notice for pictures or memories.
This has been a stream of consciousness and I feel bored writing.
So toodaloo.
