I feel my legs heavy

My shoulders drooping

And I took the slowest steps ever 

And I remember how you told me to be vulnerable

To open myself up to love

And then you went away.

With her.

I remember that warm afternoon as I was shouting at you

The grass was green and it was 27 degrees

Maybe because I felt myself being reduced into sheer nothingness

Stripped away from my dignity and the love I am so ready to give,

I told you to choose.

I was scared before.

I was terrified you would say you're choosing her.

And you told me you don't know.

But how can you not know?

I was beside you when you were struggling, puking your guts out

I was there to help you through your visa application

And your college essays

I was there to see you through because I love you.

I could finally see how I have wasted 6 years of my life

Waiting.

Struggling.

Loving.

And now I'm reduced to nothing.

Checking my blank screen every 3 minutes

Hoping.

Hoping for something I shouldn't be hoping for.

I forgot about my self-worth.

I remembered to be forgiving. And kind. And I remembered feeling a kick in the gut from not being wanted. And I remembered being stumped not knowing what to do and being in denial. Taking that rejection as being reflective of who I am as a person. 

And I forgot about being happy.

I thought being happy meant being accepted. It means fighting and being unselfish. 

But I am a good person. And I know I don't deserve this. And I want someone or something to blame but all I can blame is myself. For being weak and disgusting.

I know I have to be strong and it pains me that I have no capacity for that. That I am a pushover and despite talking big, I'm actually very small. 

I don't need anyone but I have summed myself up into being contingent on one person. One person who just doesn't care about me beyond what he would think is socially acceptable. And I, despite myself have built him up in my head, put him on a pedestal and continuously punish myself for... losing him.

And I want to desperately ask "what about me?". I would shout it out into the world but I live in a cave and the only voice who will answer back is my pathetic echo. 

And despite myself and everyone else, I know I will internalize this self hate and I will be laying awake all night.

Because while he's out there, I'm in here. Clutching my heart because I thought it's literally going to break. I want to believe that I'm stronger than this.

But I'm not.