Headache

I'm not big on documenting stuffs.
I don't take pictures. I don't keep a diary. Even this blog- a supposed "journal" has only been filled with detached accounts of my feelings. Not my life. No documentary at all.

I suppose this situation is understandable as I don't think I've done anything worth documenting after all. Then I'm hit with another epiphany- 18 years. And nothing to define me by?

I don't know. When I look back.. I guess there's little I could be proud of in my life. There's little than could distinguish me from others.
And sad thing is, when asked what makes me different, most people around me will say that it's because of my extremely fair skin.

My boyfriend even named his email account in honour of my fair skin (elskin (creepy)).

 I don't think that's an achievement at all.
But yeah. I guess I done so few things that having a fair skin is my only accomplishment.

How terribly unfortunate.

Boohoo

My life constantly revolves around school nowadays.
And a shitload of stress.

There are some enjoyable moments at the place I'm studying. Like today- we had a campaign project for our Oral Communication class. It was a good day- mostly because my group mates are fantastic. And I love working with them.

But other days can be pointless.
I seems like I had lost purpose.

I don't know if this is just a phase, but I don't know why I'm doing all this. College is place to discover yourself. I went through 11 years of school following, doing what other people tell me I should do. But college, is supposed to be where I make my own decision.

And I thought I made a sound one. I'm not saying I regret it.
I knew I was not going to love it and I was right.

And I thought that's just it. I won't love it but it'd be okay. I'd be okay with it.

There used to be some things that I could identify myself with back in Sri Aman. I didn't like my subjects but I had loved Literature. I loved my friends. I loved the countless stress-inducing projects that made me feel very important.

And when I had a break after my SPM, I identified myself with my job at Tooba'. They liked me and I liked them back. And I enjoyed selling clothings to people- as weird as that may sound.

But now, I'm forced to identify myself with school. I don't like school. I don't like how English- a subject that I could tolerate and had a preference for in the past turned into this mush of inexplicably complicated things. Inexplicable because they aren't explained very well to me.
Maybe I'm just dumb but I don't seem to get it what my lecturers are trying to teach me. I tried so hard and I still can't.

Read: Forced. I was forced to identify myself with my education now. It takes most of my time-understandably- and it occupies my mind all the time-not so understandably. So much so that to feel like I'm on a break, I would turn to my bed, refuse to shower all day and just remain dormant for the whole weekend. If I decided to shower, it'd be thinking about my declining grades. I don't love anything there. I don't have a hobby or a place where I can freely express myself.

I'm either bored or stressed out.
And happiness only comes in form of temporary feigned ignorance of the current situation.

I don't think this is the life I want to live.