As I'm writing this, 45 minutes from now his parents are going to walk into my house to talk about welll.... me and him getting married.
I guess it's called "merisik" in Malay custom. Comes with its own sets of rules and regulations which I chose to mostly ignore much to the chagrin of my mum. But that's what I have come to realize as I'm journeying towards marriage and everything-- that there's so much rules surrounding everything, often with extra expenses that don't really make sense.
This is my biggest struggle as I come to realize moving forward. The fact that getting engaged means getting families involved in a big hullaballoo, when in actuality, it's just a promise for us to get married. We need rings, we need hantarans, need dewans. And I struggle to reconcile this with my personality which values practicality above all else. I guess this whole thing veers on the side of "much ado about nothing" more than I'd like.
Another aspect of a wedding custom that I find absolutely grating is the passivity expected from me, as the "bride-to-be" (shudders). I am expected to sit and look pretty as people all around decide what's good for me. How many people to invite, what to wear. As the "elders" talk about how to proceed etc. It is grating because as far as I can remember, I've always made my own decisions.
I was lucky to have gotten a free ride throughout college and did not struggle. I could provide for myself free from my parents' support. I moved 9000 miles away from home where I largely decided on things on my own. And now that I feel more adult than over- so adult in fact that I decided I'm ready to be married-- I am expected to revert back to this clueless 17 year old whose parents have to decide everything for? It's counter intuitive, and most of all patriarchal in a way that I was never used to, and hope to god that I will never have to get used to.
And of course, the fact that I'm forking out a significant amount of the money required to have all of these wedding things. I've never considered myself a girly girl, and I, particularly don't like doing delicate things that I perceive to provide little to no value for my wellbeing. I don't wear much makeup daily because it's too much of a hassle to wash my face every time I need to pray, I don't decorate my bedroom or make my bed because it's gonna get messy anyways, and I don't wear fancy stuff that I'm uncomfortable in. But yeah, practically everything that has to do with marriage custom is uncomfortable.
As I reconcile between making the "elders" happy and making myself happy, I think they will win out eventually. I just wish that as I look back at this time, I will not be overcame with regret that I wasn't more assertive. After all, as everyone has been reiterating, a wedding is once in a lifetime so I wish that I can find it in me to enjoy myself throughout this journey.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Year in Review - 2017
I know I'm late to the game-- it's almost February, but who's really counting? I've abandoned this space for more than half the year in 2017 that no one is probably reading anymore.
2017 had been momentous, and I want to document it for my own future reference. I turned 22 in October, and I graduated from college in December.
Learned quite a few things amidst crippling anxiety and self-doubt. So what did I learn?
Being me is... taxing.
I wasn't always like this. In high school, I took things really easy only working hard when there's a deadline etc. In college, I didn't coast my way through. I tried my hardest and graduated with a 3.94 CGPA. I did 3 majors- Actuarial Science, International Business and International Relations with gave me 2 degrees from 2 schools.
It sounds fancy, and I'm proud of myself for soldiering through but my life was a constant chase. I was always looking at the next thing, never allowing myself a moment to be proud or to feel sure. I constantly feel like I'm not enough. While doing my dissertation to graduate, I couldn't allow myself to just feel happy that my 3 and a half years of double degrees are finally ending-- I was constantly stressed out about finding a job.
I would go on a million interviews for jobs in Malaysia which I would get through to the final stage and would promptly be told that I don't qualify because I need to be in Malaysia for the final interview. That happened like 3 times, and it was so pointless. I soldiered on, went for interviews after interviews while working on my senior thesis and graduating. I didn't travel at all this semester-- all my breaks were spent on either schoolwork or interviewing.
It wasn't bad, I secured a job right after graduation but I would never find out if it was worth all the anxiety from rejections and from school. And knowing me, I would not change a thing if I could go back because I'm a freak.
I am still very much a pushover
I had an internship where I did all the petty work that everyone didn't want to do because I felt like I had to earn my keep. I was in a group project where I did all the work and everyone else did nothing. And it's the same story year after year. It's my biggest flaw and I don't think I will ever have the strength to change this about myself.
I'm an adult
Not all of it is bad, 2017 also brought me out of that limbo between adolescence and adulthood. The word marriage was uttered and although I almost fainted when it was first uttered, I'm beginning to be more open to it. There's a certain independence in being so close to someone that you want to build a life together. I started seeing the practical side of having a partner. You can pool your finances, become a team in doing things in life that you don't have the capacity to do alone, and I never have to drive myself anywhere.
It also feels so surreal that we are at this point in our relationship when we started out as two kids from different schools. We have grown so much, but he's still the only person I will tell everything to.
I need to take better care of myself
In 2017, I had a health-scare. I had to do a physical a few weeks ago and found out that my blood pressure was 200/110. Which is bad, by any measure. I thought I have hypertension at 22. It was such a sobering experience because damn, that's an old people disease.
Glad to report that I wasn't diagnosed with hypertension. It was actually anxiety. The stress about getting a job, graduating, moving halfway across the world and resettling into my childhood home, were too much (who would've thought?). Didn't help that I'm such a nervous person to begin with. My doctor had to prescribe me Xanax to get over my anxiety.
It was sobering because I never thought that my personality could take such a toll on my health. I'm so easily stressed out that it's a wonder how I ever made it out alive from college.
Lol.
2017 had been momentous, and I want to document it for my own future reference. I turned 22 in October, and I graduated from college in December.
Learned quite a few things amidst crippling anxiety and self-doubt. So what did I learn?
Being me is... taxing.
I wasn't always like this. In high school, I took things really easy only working hard when there's a deadline etc. In college, I didn't coast my way through. I tried my hardest and graduated with a 3.94 CGPA. I did 3 majors- Actuarial Science, International Business and International Relations with gave me 2 degrees from 2 schools.
It sounds fancy, and I'm proud of myself for soldiering through but my life was a constant chase. I was always looking at the next thing, never allowing myself a moment to be proud or to feel sure. I constantly feel like I'm not enough. While doing my dissertation to graduate, I couldn't allow myself to just feel happy that my 3 and a half years of double degrees are finally ending-- I was constantly stressed out about finding a job.
I would go on a million interviews for jobs in Malaysia which I would get through to the final stage and would promptly be told that I don't qualify because I need to be in Malaysia for the final interview. That happened like 3 times, and it was so pointless. I soldiered on, went for interviews after interviews while working on my senior thesis and graduating. I didn't travel at all this semester-- all my breaks were spent on either schoolwork or interviewing.
It wasn't bad, I secured a job right after graduation but I would never find out if it was worth all the anxiety from rejections and from school. And knowing me, I would not change a thing if I could go back because I'm a freak.
I am still very much a pushover
I had an internship where I did all the petty work that everyone didn't want to do because I felt like I had to earn my keep. I was in a group project where I did all the work and everyone else did nothing. And it's the same story year after year. It's my biggest flaw and I don't think I will ever have the strength to change this about myself.
I'm an adult
Not all of it is bad, 2017 also brought me out of that limbo between adolescence and adulthood. The word marriage was uttered and although I almost fainted when it was first uttered, I'm beginning to be more open to it. There's a certain independence in being so close to someone that you want to build a life together. I started seeing the practical side of having a partner. You can pool your finances, become a team in doing things in life that you don't have the capacity to do alone, and I never have to drive myself anywhere.
It also feels so surreal that we are at this point in our relationship when we started out as two kids from different schools. We have grown so much, but he's still the only person I will tell everything to.
I need to take better care of myself
In 2017, I had a health-scare. I had to do a physical a few weeks ago and found out that my blood pressure was 200/110. Which is bad, by any measure. I thought I have hypertension at 22. It was such a sobering experience because damn, that's an old people disease.
Glad to report that I wasn't diagnosed with hypertension. It was actually anxiety. The stress about getting a job, graduating, moving halfway across the world and resettling into my childhood home, were too much (who would've thought?). Didn't help that I'm such a nervous person to begin with. My doctor had to prescribe me Xanax to get over my anxiety.
It was sobering because I never thought that my personality could take such a toll on my health. I'm so easily stressed out that it's a wonder how I ever made it out alive from college.
Lol.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)