Don't forget me. Even when I'm gone.

Please.

Weirdly indifferent about the fact that I might have a terminal disease.

Like a boss.

The world is your oyster ~

So hay it's the 31st of December 2011. 

The significance of it, however, for me is arguable.

No matter what the date is, it's still just another day.

Me, come Hrs 0000, 1st January 2012;

That's how I've been spending the last 3 new years of my life.

Been ending the years alone since I could remember. 

If you could just see me now, you will see how different I am.

Lights will guide you home

And it'll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it'll hurt less and less. And eventually, you'll remember him and it'll only hurt a little.


No more hope for the big return.
No more late night reminiscent of what could've been done differently to secure a happy ending.
No more wishful thinking about the impossible after watching a romantic film.

It still exists at the back of my mind. But with luck, that's the only place in my mind that it will occupy.

Humans are humans. In the end, it's nobody's fault. No one can control what the heart desires.
And someone is bound to get hurt, sooner or later.
I've made my peace with that.

Finally, Allah has given me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Alhamdulillah.

Give me something to believe in

Today, just because I feel especially bitter, I'm going to list some of the things I find suckish. Just because :)

1) Not having any soul.

I can imagine how suckish that'd be. Just walking around, empty inside at all times. Not having the desire to experience life because of the said emptiness. Very suckish.

2) Being mutilated into shreds by a psychopath(s).

Had quite a few of these dreams lately. It sucks because I imagine it to be very painful. Well, duh.

3) Being forced into watching Malay movies/shows 24/7.

I've been in Langkawi for the past 7 days. My grandma only subscribed to Malay channels when it comes to Astro. Sure I have internet here but the turtle speed.. well let's just say the only thing that comes in between me and a smashed laptop is my dad. Because it's his laptop to speak of. Well yeah. So the only option I have is to watch the TV. I mean, some of the shows aren't that bad. I'm a Malay myself. And takkan Melayu hilang di dunia. ( I love that saying btw, whenever I hear it, it'll give me goosebumps). But the shows are so poorly written that I sometimes have this uncontrollable urge to weep for my race. Or maybe it's just not my cup of tea. Or coffee, or orange juice for that matter.

4) Being nocturnal.

Sucks to the very core. It started since my trip across Europe last month. The jetlag hasn't passed since. I can't sleep before 4 am. And I'd wake up at 12 at the very earliest. Thing about waking up so late is, there'd be time when I would have no choice but to wake up early. And that time will be quite soon. And I won't know what to do with myself when that time comes.

5) Being so lazy you basically turn into a fat ugly sloth.

Self explanatory really. But I will explain because I want to. And this is my blog. AND I WILL BE SMUG ABOUT THAT FACT BECAUSE I LIKE MY BLOG. Lately, I've been so unmotivated to do anything at all. I feel lazy to go to bed. I feel lazy to sleep. I feel lazy to even eat. I struggle with my laziness too. It's a constant struggle whether I should sit to do nothing or whether I should lie down to do nothing. Difficult choice because the two are very appealing in their own way. The only thing I feel motivated to do is to complain about how unmotivated I am.

Abrupt ending!

Lukewarm

My parents taught me that nothing ever comes easy.
From the day I was born, every thing I have, I must earn.

Excluding the basic essentials of course.

It's quite stressful really. Because now that I'm 16, I actually have the option of having my own mode of transportation. Namely. a motorbike.
But how do one earn a motorbike?! How do a 16 year old with no job earn enough money for a motorbike?
And that's from the money angle alone.

My mum and dad are adamant of the fact that I can't be trusted because of my ''clumsiness''. Well to that, I say pish posh. I'm perfectly capable of stirring a motorcycle and not get into random accidents.

Gah. Overbearing parents are overbearing.
It is sooooooooooo frustrating because well for one thing, I know they could afford a motorcycle for me. -__-' The same way I know they could afford to buy me a decent phone but opted to buy me the cheapest phone in the market instead (well, actually I have to pay for that myself too).

Thing is, a motorbike can do so much to me. Transportation problems no more. And call me pathetic but being on a motorbike is the world's greatest feeling. I mean, having the wind on your hair. Feeling so.. vulnerable on the street that it filled you with adrenaline. Especially on the free way.
In fact, even if my parents won't let me have a motorbike at the age of 16, I will buy one for myself when I'm a functioning adult.

When will my parents see that I'm actually growing up the way I'm supposed to (albeit I'm shorter than most people my age?). I mean, I think I'm responsible enough..
If my parents are afraid I'll go wild in the presence of motorbike, I think they're sorely mistaken (much to my dismay).

I hate social scenes. I've been out with my friends once during this holiday. Once.
So I don't see the basis of their irrational worry.

Meh.

Distance.. without hope to return is just that; distance.

:)

Just :)

Release your inner visions

I was so.. young a year ago.

Nothing in life is permanent. That much, is proven. The only constant thing in life is change.
And I guess a lot of things have changed since a year ago.

I don't think growing up did anything for me in particular (except maybe enhancing my bra size). But guess what?
I'm not awkward anymore. I can hold a conversation with a stranger and despite blushing like mad, I can engage their attention for a certain period of time.

I'm not that naive around strange guys anymore. I no longer hand out my phone number randomly.
Yeah I used to do that. Low self esteem maybe. Didn't think any guy would ever find me attractive enough to approach me for my digits. In the rare cases that random guys do approach me, I'd disregard them as being friendly. And just give them my phone number. Because well, no one likes a stuck up girl who thinks she's ~all that~
But now, well, I guess there is a reason why guys would ask me for my phone number and that reason, is not to be friendly at all. In some alternate universe, I am actually considered worthy of requesting phone numbers from. What a revelation huh.

One thing I do notice though, guys who are shameless enough to approach you in malls randomly for your phone number, aren't exactly the type of guys you would want to have your phone number. It's always like that, everytime.

I also learn that it's impossible to please everyone at all times. I learned that I would still try to please everyone in spite of knowing I will never be able to do so.

I learn that just because we're nice to people or we'd do anything for their happiness. Just because we think that they've given us enough reason to trust them with all of our hearts. Doesn't mean that they won't do a complete 180 and stab you in the back with a dirty icicle.

I learn that the only person you can trust is yourself.
I learn that I'm not as ugly as I thought I am. I learnt that some people (my mum, especially) find my shortness rather endearing. I learn that I'm not harmful to anyone in any way. I learn that turning 17 is a pretty big deal compared to turning 16 or 15.

I learn a lot of things by the end of 2011.
Though I could probably live without these lessons.

Left

I guess, in a way, I just want to escape.

Life back at home is so, draggy and redundant. I love my home. I love my little room and the small corner reserved for my laptop and its awesome sound system.

However, the routine of it all, the faces, the places make me feel so still. Like I'm stuck. 

Thing is, there's nothing left for me there anyway.

It isn't really my home is it. It's just a place I happened to move to 7 years ago.

I don't like PJ anymore.

I wish I could move far away. Start anew.

And I reckon I'll be able to in a few years. 

Can't wait.

I see no point in keeping this blog anymore..

And a part of me lost a little bit of hope I've been holding onto. 

I'm scared.

And alone.

Heh.

Blur ~

It was stupid.
I was stupid.

To think that something like this could've last forever. To think that now you're here, you can never leave.

Well you proved me wrong huh.

You had it easy. Way too easy.

I lick my own wound to recover from you. We never had fights. Not really. 

I would never pick fights.

What we had was you suddenly turning cold and me getting upset over the same fact.

It's like you had no regards for what I could've felt.

It's there. It existed right from the very start. I chose to be blind though. Somehow thought that the fact you're here, means you want to be here.

I ignored the fact that I must've want to be here more than you do.

You had it so easy. 

Because you never cared.

You seemed like you did alright. But I think that's just circumstantial. When you see me crying for example, you care the most. But you can shut down that part of you at moment's notice.

Thing is, I'm always questioning myself. I was never sure with you.

Always doubtful.
Always insecure.

I thought it was me. But you did nothing. You saw the insecurity eating me from the inside and you did nothing.

When a simple 'I love you' confession could make everything better, you can't even do that.

The saddest part of this all is, I'm starting to doubt whether there was any truth in our relationship at all.

Whether I imagined it all.

Now I'm afraid to fall. And because of that I may never fly again. :)

Hope

You think you're upset. Broken inside. Alone.
You realize no one knew or cared. At least not one that matters most.

You think you realized it all.
And you think you want him to care.

You hope that he will save you. But he won't. And you struggle with yourself. You feel like stomping your feet on the ground. You want to throw a tantrum. Shout at that person's ear; 'Help me, I'm drowning. Save me, please'. You hope that he would just look up, and see you the way he saw you before and lend you his hand. You hope that he won't just stand there and mercilessly stare at you as you die.

But you can't force feelings.
You can't make other people choose you.

That's not how life works unfortunately. The only person you can put your hope in is yourself.
I am my own hero.

Hoping in the impossible though, isn't weak. It's admirable.
For me, anyway.
And so I hope that one day, I will find someone to share my hero status with. I hope that he will be good to me. I hope that I'll be my own hero again when time comes that he's not good to me. I hope that I can have him in my life without giving myself away completely. I hope I've learned my lesson and be more guarded. I hope that someday I will find someone who will respect me. I hope, that even if I'm hurt again in the future, I will never lose hope.
I hope.

And I hope for the sake of myself, if it's written that I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, I will be content.

I am content for now. I've let go. And so I hope I will never look back.

I am full of hope.
I was rejected and abandoned. But I have a roof over my head. I have a full life ahead of me. I have a beautiful watch.
I am a person. And even when I am not treated like one, I'm still a person.

I matter.

I will smile, I will take a shower, I will hold my head up high.

Because I can.

Nah I won't cry anymore.

Numbnut?

Numbnut
Numbnut?
Yeah, numbnut.
Who's a numbnut?
You're a numbnut.
But why?
Because you're dumb and you're cute, like a nut.


I beg to differ regarding the cuteness of the said nut.
Numbnut though, think I could work with that :3

You know, if you keep this up, you will mess my tough girl act faster than I think.

I am as bored as a pogo stick.

Its 5 o'clock in the morning ~

Being abandoned is so.. pathetic huh.
So.. so..pathetic it's unspeakable.

I was abandoned. Someone left me because they can't stand being around me one moment longer. I actually had someone telling me straight to my face that they want me to leave them alone.


What a late night revelation.

Wrote a whole post about dishonest compliments.
Erased it all because it seems to boastful.

But conclusion is, gentlemen know how to be subtle.
Compliments are to be honest and exchanged only if you love someone.

Other than that, it can be misleading and stupid.

Okay? Okay.

I struggle to find any truth in your lies

Solitude, for me is underrated.

I've been so caught up in my own irrelevant fear of being alone that I failed to see being alone is indeed a blessing in itself.

You can get things done faster, you can do whatever you like without thinking of another person's feeling, the only person you occupied yourself in thinking about is yourself. It's a hoop that never ends.

You'd think of better ways to improve yourself for the benefit of yourself.

I do think I'm not good enough for anyone, that is a fact. So I would theoretically improve myself so that I could be good enough for someone. So I could make them proud and satisfy them with my achievements.

But the great thing of having no one to care about you is well, you can always be good enough for yourself. I'm happy the way I am. That's all that matters to me.

I'm the only one who matters to me.

How cool does that sound eh?

I will decide my own story from now on. I will decide what movie to watch, what time to sleep, what time I want to wake up, whether I want to eat for the day or not.

It's all on me now.

I will depend on myself and myself only.

Gtfo.

I do not need attention from anyone alright.

Alright.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I don't need any guy messing that up. So please, just leave me alone.

Okay?

Ok.

I'm a renegadee

Some people, their happy endings are written for them. Great lives, determinations, talents, everything that would  give them a jump start for great things in the future.

I'm not one of those people.
I don't get happy endings.

I get temporary happiness, I lose that happiness then I will have long, miserable attempts to gain back that temporary happiness. The cycle will usually repeat itself.

Guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't have it easy.
I do not have a great attitude nor do I have a witty mind. I don't have beauty, brains nor brawn. I'm so lazy, it's a miracle I got through school so far.. I do not have any motivation. I don't have anyone who cares enough for me to tell me to go and get my own motivation.

I don't have all that.
And I know I should change and stuffs like that. Yadda yadda yadda. I know putting myself down won't make any difference. I know some of you are thinking I'm just seeking attention.
Think whatever you want. Won't make any difference to me. Nada. ZIiiIiiIIiLLlLlLlCCCcCCcccHHhHh.

Thing is though, I used to think that being me, is enough. It's enough to be happy. To feel accomplished.
(Yeah, I'm still wondering whether I was high when I thought that)

It's not enough to be yourself.
You have to be desirable. You have to be pleasant to be around. You have to change your lazy ways. You have to go on a diet and make yourself thin.
Then only you'll be successful, you can be proud of yourself.

But when you're none of that, when you're me..
Well, you're doomed to have a life alone with 30 cats for the rest of your life (Not that I mind though).

Conclusion to this post is, just stop caring. If you stop caring, you won't feel nothing.
And it won't even matter that you don't have your happy ending.

Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

In 3 words I could sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on.

-Robert Frost

And indeed it does. Bad things, horrible things, they happen everyday. At some point, you'll wake up the next day not knowing what you did to end up where you are now.

But you owe it to yourself to still continue your life.

It's not going to be easy but then again, nothing in life is ever easy. And you will feel like giving up. You might even give up altogether.

But wasting your life away is never the answer.

We all want time to stand still for awhile just so that we could catch up. I know I'm tired of trying to keep up. If I could just have a little breather, I know I could do better.

But that's not how life works. We make the most of time, not the other way around. 

As cliche as it may sound, you have to be the one who save yourself. You have to be your own hero. That's how you can survive. People, they're just going to hurt you. Those who you thought you can trust, turned their backs against you. Those who you thought would never leave you, left.

Ultimately, the only person you can count on is yourself.

I'm still struggling to pick up the pieces of myself. But I will survive.

I know I will.

I thought I couldn't breathe without you,

But I'm inhaling.

You watch movies and you see this guy leaving this girl citing 'I'm not good for you, if I stay, I'm just going to hurt you more'. Or something similar. And this girl, well, she was stupid enough to fall for this guy. Who hurts her time after time. But she reserved a spot for that wretched guy somewhere in her heart. And she always comes back to him.

Until the guy walks away. Walks away because he thinks that he's just going to 'hurt' this girl if he stays.

You know what I think of this guy?
He's full of himself.

He's painting a picture as if he doesn't have any control in hurting her. So solution? He hurts her more.
He acts like as saviour to her. Trying to be a bigger man by walking away.
Pff.

The fact is, he's a coward. Selfish and cowardly, nowhere near noble.
If he doesn't love the girl, just admit to that fact. And leave. Don't sugarcoat it with the term 'walking away'. It's degrading for the girl. He strung her along, he hurt her countless times, she stayed through it all, and still, he gets to be the noble one. Because he can't stand to hurt her one moment longer, he walked away.

Well, no shit Sherlock. If you don't want to hurt her, don't. It's that simple. The fact is, your own selfishness and ego prevented you from treating her right.
You know that.
You don't get to release your own conscience by telling yourself and telling her, that you're doing this for her benefit. You lost your right to that when you pretended to love her.

Never give person false hope. It hurts.
You're the evil one.
You're the bad guy. You abandoned someone who trusted you.

She may never recover. She's broken because of you.
And you get to walk away unscathed while she struggles to pick up the pieces.

Make no mistake. You can trust no one in this world.

Tear me down.

She's not a person.

Why would anyone think she is? Why would anyone ever throw a second glance her way? Why does it matter if she's wasting her life away?

Because she's not a person.
Not for me anyways.

She can never be anything important in my life. Because she's not a person. I have things going on in my life.
She's not a person, why should I bother?

She's not important. No different than an inanimate object.
She can't be wounded. Even if she is, what does that has anything to do with me?
She's not a person.

Why isn't she a person? She's not a person because if she's a person, surely I'd feel something.
Surely I'd feel rotten for doing all of this to her.
But I don't feel anything. Because she's not a person. She's not a person.
Because if she ever leaves, I wouldn't notice. Her presence doesn't effect me in any way.

Why would I let her fall in the first place?
Because it happens. Because it didn't require any effort on my part. She did that herself.

Why did I lead her on?
Because it'll take effort to not lead her on. Besides, she's here already, might as well just do whatever I want with her. It might be nice to have an ego booster of sort, someone to be there for me when I feel bad about myself. Even if she's not a person, she could be very useful.

What about her then?
What about her? She's not a person. Even if she feels anything, she's still not a person. So why bother? I don't feel bad. I can't feel bad for an.. object. She certainly is not a person.

She's not a person.
And I, for one, don't have the slightest bit of desire to ever make things right with her. Because in the end, she wouldn't know the difference.
She's not a person.

When you were here

I like daydreaming about you.

Daydreaming doesn't hurt at all. Daydreaming feels right for all the wrong reasons. Daydreams always feel perfect. Situations that could not be further from the truth. But situations that make me feel so happy more than they should.

You know what hurts though?
Reality.

Too bad daydreams can't last forever.

Breathe. Just breathe.

What I feel right now: fsaghsfjkaslccm,sndaskdjashdwqodhwdjxnsm,.A';s,dsdjkasbcjshb

People suck.

I see the world ~

Sooooooo hi. I'm home :B I've been home for a while now actually. I'm back from my Europe trip :D:D::DD:D: And well, since I'm bored right now, I guess I will satisfy your curiosity by recapping how my days there were.

My first stop was Paris, France.
The highlight was of course DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!! It was such a

-----
Blergh. I'm lazy. If any one of you want me to continue just tell me ok. Because it's a boring trip anyway. And I dowan to waste my time writing if nobody wants to read lawl.

I takes so much effort to convey anger.

But it's so effortless to get hurt.

Now how is that fair?

Ok sudahlah.

Sakitnya tangan

This feeling, of not being able to control anything, it will erase me from this world completely.

It's utterly unbearable.

Rockbottom

You mask everyday with smiles just to hide your tears.
Because truth of the matter is, every night is a bad night.


So much time has gone by but you still remain the same. Crying yourself to sleep because that's the only thing you could think of as you're about to drift off. Because there's no more distraction for you to hold on to. Because that one calm moment that you experience before falling asleep every night has turned into your most dreaded part of your day.

Clarity doesn't feel so different from sorrow for you now.

And in the morning, you'll find yourself laughing over your exceedingly emotional episode last night. You just got caught up in your own mind. So you broke down.

But it's the same thing every night.
And finally, you start realizing that you have no idea how this can end happily for you.
There is such thing as a bad ending after all.

Allah, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I look so ugly when I cry.. Ew.

It happened so long ago. Why oh why do I insist to live in the past?
Why, despite travelling thousands of kilometers away, am I still at the very same place?

If someone, just anyone at all, can find a way to fix my malfunctioning tear ducts, that'd be great.

Honestly, I feel like stabbing my eyes sometimes to stop the flow of liquids out of them. 

I have no idea when this will end.

Ironically, not very complicated

That really did settle it and I know where I stand.
I just don't really like where I'm standing.

But it was inevitable. Even I can see it. As oblivious and idiotic as I am, I can see everything so clearly. Now why did I close my eyes and convinced myself otherwise again?

I suppose I have no answer for that.


There's nothing left to do.
You're not wanted so you have to go away.

You know, all these talks about wanting to be home.. And I do want to be home.
But really, what's left for me at home.

You don't just tell someone they're pretty or beautiful to make conversations.
It's degrading.


It's supposed to be a meaningful compliment, exchanged over a long undisturbed eye contact and expressed because you're just too awestruck by the breathtaking beauty of that party you're about to compliment.
NOT OVER AN FB CHAT SESSION TO GET HER PHONE NUMBER.

Dammit guys.

And then it all comes back to me.
It's over for everyone.

I thought it's over for me too.



Well, it's not.
It never will be over. Not for me.

Random

I wonder why is it virtually impossible to find ugly people in Paris. Everyone looked like they had conveniently stepped out of fashion ads and just happened to walk in streets.

It's not good for the self esteem really.
Even children dress better than I do.

Hamburg on the other hand, is toe curling cold. T__T
0 degree celcius when I arrived. Ugh.

Next stop; Berlin and then London.
And then :

Home

Can't wait.

This is a tale of a boy meets girl

It's not like I'm always sad.
That's not the whole truth.

I can be on top of the world laughing till your tummy hurts kinda happy with my friends.

But thing is, I'll always think that I've been.. happier.
And then I'll get sad.

It's a vicious cycle really.

I can't be one of those girls who's hung up with that one boy who doesn't give a crap about her for the rest of her life.
I refuse to be one of those girls. I want to be the girl who accepts that her happily ever after isn't with that guy. I want to be the girl who's content with loneliness.

Maybe it's because I'm lazy. And the fact that I hate putting on effort into unnecessary things. But it's too tough for me. This all is too tough for me.
I mean, I tell myself that I don't need to move on. Who cares what's going through my head huh? If it doesn't effect anyone, why should I bother? I mean, the only person I'm hurting is myself. And well, I say I can live with that.

Well turns out I can't. Despite my best effort to be inhuman, I'm still human. And I want to be.. happy.
I want to be with that guy I like. I want that guy I like to like me back. Because things are so much better with him around. Every happiness I feel, every story I have to tell, they're amplified when you have someone to share it with. Every sadness doesn't seem so sad when you have someone to tell you everything will be alright in the end. Even though they have no way in knowing that, to know that you're not alone is more than enough.

Yeah, I know I sound like such a girl. And I am one. The thing is though, it's not like I'm one of those clingy girl who cannot survive alone. Who finds a need to have a boyfriend or anything like that.
It's just that one guy.

If I can get over him, god knows how careful I would be to ever fall in love again. My problem would be solved so I wouldn't be so quick to get myself into another one.
But what's done is already done. I let my guard down for one second and I'm head over heels for some guy.
And when things don't work out, here I am.

Shamelessly writing about a guy whom I know is reading this. Well, maybe he's not reading this because if he doesn't give a crap about me anymore, why would he read my blog huh? But if he is reading, hurray! Because that means he's still kinda into me. God knows he will never admit that to my face. But yeah. Idk what I'm tryna say. K. Moving on. 


I guess I'm just kinda sick of all these vague emo posts I wrote to look undesperate or something. Truth is, I am desperate. All those posts are about the same person.
How he broke my heart.
Well, at least how I'm assuming that he's trying to break my heart because it's easier to be sad when you have someone to blame.

I don't know. I can't talk to him anymore. It'll all just end up in a whole big loop of 'how are you?' 'fine. you?' 'fine too' 'haha' 'okay' 'huhu' 'ok' 'uhuh' 'k'. And it's too depressing really. The sad tale of how a guy I once knew has turned into this stranger I can barely communicate with.
And because it has gotten too awkward, I find it easier to just not talk to him at all. Of course, once in a while I will be consumed by my stupid urge to find out if he's alright and succumb to asking him. Which will bring us back to that convo consisting of big loops full of nothing. -.-'

I know I shouldn't be telling this to the cyber space. Because it's my own personal problem yadda yadda yadda. And that poor guy would prolly have a fit seeing him being so exposed to the world by my darned writing.
But I need to vent.
And I like my blog. It's not like I mentioned names anyway. So don't be too perasan k anyone. I might be talking about my cat for all you know.
So yeah, get over yourself.

I just want this to be over with.
I don't want to enslave myself to my stupid touchy feelings. I just want to get over that guy so I could go on with my life already.
Sigh.

Ok.

Life has been pretty suckish come to think of it. But you know, I can't really complain because to have the life itself is a blessing to begin with.

But yeah, my finals result could have been better. But for a person who studied the night before exam for every subjects, I did well. Of course, I should have studied harder. But what's the point really? It's just finals ~

Not failing is good enough for me.

I got a handful of Cs though. Huhu. 

I have quite a few places to visit come end year holidays. I still haven't decide how I feel about this. I despise travelling. I hate being cold. And the places I'm about to visit have cold climate. So.. yeah. But I suppose it's not that bad. It ought to be fun; seeing new places and doing peculiar things. Yeap.

I don't really get the point of this post. 

Thought I would try one of those 'what's-going-on-with-my-life' type of blog posts. I don't generally do well at those kinda posts. Those are reserved for sanguine people who have exciting lives. Not for weird socially awkward turtle who never leaves her room. So yeahh.

I do well at vague expressive posts though. I have so much to say about my feelings, it's kinda creepy.

Okay uhm, buh bye.

How can you look pass me. And see nothing.
It's like I'm invisible.

I wish I'm invisible.

When you're feeling down

Everything's going fine at first. Just dandy. All was well.

Everything was going so well.

But it comes in waves you know- those darned epiphanies. Where I am right now isn't how I imagined I would end up.

And once these epiphanies strike, they won't let me catch any breath. They hit me again and again and again. I realized every thing, all at once.

My heart hurts so much I sometimes want to rip it off my own chest.

I let that moment of weakness consume me. I let it break me apart. And then, I picked pieces of myself up, I put it back together with tapes and glue. And I force smiles just to feel like I'm going on with my life.

But when I least expect it, or when I'm sick, or when I see how everyone else seem to be holding up just fine and I'm in this place all alone, I break apart again. 

Then, the cycle will repeat itself.

And I reckon this is the most gallant thing I can do. To let it all out when the pain hits me. And forget about it when I have something better to do.

If that will help me get out of bed every morning, then, why shouldn't I?

Here's the thing though, when it hurts, it hurts so bad. It hurts. I can't be more eloquent than that. Because the fact is, it just hurts.

Every single time when I can't find any distraction to help me through the day, it hurts.

And when I think the pain has gone away, it will strike me again without warning.

Because see, my life is no longer my priority. It's a mere distraction from whatever it is that's hurting me. 

I haven't decided how I feel about that.

I'm not destructing myself. Nor am I physically harmed in any way. I reckon I will be fine this way. 

I'll be fine.

All this love I have will turn into hate.
Someday.

Excuse me

If it's not meant to be, you have to let it go.

Because you have to believe that there's someone out there for you who won't leave you in the desert but will chase after you and stay with you to find a source of water.

You have to believe that someone out there will dread to see you die.

You have to believe that someone out there will share a pot of gold with you.

You have to believe that there would be someone out there to hold a rose for you and take you out on a date to see a Shakespearean play and treat you to a can of coke afterwards. 

I know that there's no guarantee that you will find that someone. And it gets tiring to wait.

But do yourself a favour and just believe.

It is sure as hell better than waiting for someone who would do nothing while you're held at gunpoint to come around.

Just believe that there's someone better for you out there.

And believe that happy ending is near and your tears will wiped away in time.

Just believe.

It hurts so bad that I'm begging for it to stop.

But beg who exactly?

I can't.

All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss

Maybe it's the end of me, I don't know.
I've never felt so alone in my life.

I'm on fire

I used to think it's lame when people self proclaim their awesomeness.
But I had a dream today - no, not in that solemn visionary Martin Luther King kinda way- a real dream, the ones that you get in your sleep.. Yeah.

So I had a dream today, well, more like an epiphany- in my sleep, that self proclaimed awesomeness is not lame if it is in actuality, a fact.
And thus I was taken aback by another vision, that I, well, I am indeed an awesome person.

Hence, lameness will not present itself when I proclaim,

I am awesome.


Indeed, I am. My awesomeness is too severe sometimes that I have to downplay it for the benefit of my peers. They simply do not understand the demands that has to be met by an awesome person such as myself. They often mistaken my natural impulse as an Awesomee (awesome + me) as an indicator of arrogance and whatnot.

I am awesome, I will continue to spread my awesomeness. And well,I will redirect myself to the path of which people of my kind have to constantly follow; the path of the legends.

Make no mistake because I am on the right track:

This is a game of which I am getting myself into. Because it's the league of the legends, my name is stamped all over it.


I am awesome. And my awesomity will be prolonged as long as I shall live.

Shining your light my way

Everyone has some sort of a dream.

Mine?

Well, I want to become a bear.

It's a pipe dream I know. Because I was born as a human. But it's never too late.

I can be a bear if I want to. And I will make it work. One way or another.

I will become a bear someday.

And despite knowing myself more than I ever think you do.
You missed out one glaring problem in my life.

The most obvious one.
You missed out on that.

This is real.

You have no control on anyone and how they treat you. And that drives you crazy. 

It drives you crazy because you know, there's something there. Something unspoken that for reasons beyond you, they are not able to express.

And you just want to know what that thing is.

What is that thing that keeps them from leaving even when they have every reason to?

They seem like they want to leave. Heck, they seem like they couldn't care less whether you're alive or dead. And you definitely can recognize the signs that you're not wanted. Though it hurts, you retreat because it's only polite to give them what they want; to not be bothered by you.

When you finally think you're breathing properly again, and you're adapting to their absence, they reappear. I mean, it's nothing significant. Just a.. non-committal 'hey' through Skype or whatever. You can feel yourself melting again. Because that's how you are around them. You're head over heels for them even when they show signs that their feeling for you is limited to indifference. 

Thing is, both of you were one of the most important people in each other's life once upon a time. And well, you thought you're pass that wooing phase. Or the weird creepy butterflies in your stomach or the 'he said hi, does this mean he's into me?'. Isn't honesty way simpler?

When asked, they show how much they are uncomfortable so you stopped asking. Which left you in a constant state of confusion. Because despite telling yourself that it makes no difference, you want to be assured that they are feeling what you think they're feeling.

But I guess, at some point, you just got tired of wondering all the time. Maybe they're confused too. Maybe they don't know what they feel for you. Or what they don't feel for that matter.

But here's the thing I don't get- why can't they have enough respect for you to figure it out? 

I mean, maybe the love has subsided. But how can that person you once tell your deepest darkest secret to, the one who's sworn to have loved you once, and the one who used to stay up at night whenever you're sick; how can that same person be the one who's not capable to have enough compassion for you to release you from the constant state of confusion they put you in?

But I guess, they are capable of such things. And no matter how hurt you are, it doesn't move them. It doesn't have any effect on them.

And you're just stuck here. In between. 

But I guess, the answer is mapped out for you already. You're stuck because you still love them. And you don't just abandon the people you love. Though you can't depend on them like you once did, you can't feel their love for you like you once felt and they're possibly effortlessly erasing you from their thoughts right at this very moment, you still love them.

It scary as hell. Because you didn't realize the capacity of how much you can feel for that one person. And now that they're gone, you thought you can cope with their absence. You told yourself that you felt this strongly about them before because you got used to them. And in time, the feeling will subside. 

But that's not the case at all.

Your feeling for them is amplified now that they're not around. You find yourself not missing the familiarity of them. You find yourself missing them instead. 

And you have this empty void within you where they once were. 

You realize that at 16, your first love has turned out to also be your first true love. 

And the last hour you spent typing this isn't for anyone else. It's your own revelation. And you know it won't make any difference whatever you say or do.

You have no idea why you love them so much.

You just know that you're emotionally bounded to them. Even when you're no longer sure that they share the same feeling.

And everyday you pray that you can shake off that stupid feeling.

But you can't. They can say you don't try hard enough and you brought this upon yourself. But it really doesn't matter what they say.

You love them.

And dammit, though you absolutely hate this fact, for now it seems that

you will always love them.

Where does that leave you then?
You're not content to live in a place where you're pathetically attached to someone who doesn't care about you. 

It's a dead end for you.

And you really wonder how can anyone be this difficult.

Blah blah blah

I really think I'm a good person.
I don't smoke, I don't go out, I don't get into troubles, I don't mingle with boys, I'm actually kinda awkward around them.

I'm this gullible socially awkward goody two shoes that hates to make people mad.

And I do think those traits make me a good person.
But but look at how being a good person treats me. I'm.. miserable. I never have any fun. And I'm miserable 50% of the time.

And I see bad people you know. Those kinda people who do drugs. Or wear revealing clothes. And mingle with guys on their on terms without any boundaries. People who go out partying at night.
And well, they seem very happy.

I know being a good person is the right thing to do. We are all suppose to be good Muslims.
But.. well, I kinda wish I could be happy too.
I wish that I am happy as a good person.

So that I won't feel so rotten when I see bad people being all jubilant. :c


Ok I know I'm displaying traits of a bad person right now by practically noticing that I'm a good person. And for pointing out the injustice of the situation when I know if I'm a truly good Muslim, god will provide me with all the gratitude and joy in the world.

I don't really know what I'm saying right now.
I just know that I hate it when bad people are happier than I am.

I KNOW IT'S SELFISH I CANNOT JUSTIFY WHAT I DID AND I'M A MEAN PERSON FOR THINKING THAT SO SUE ME FOR HAVING AN EVIL ALTER EGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh yeah. Bye.

Tear between your eyes

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Maybe if I keep saying that long enough, eventually I'll believe it.

Allah,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things that I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm okay.

Watch me burn down in flames!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been eating a lot.
A freaking whole lot.

KDHSJKDhskjfsncmnskjdshdkjshk

I need to lose weight. Seriously. So this blog and everyone reading will serve as my witness.

I, Elsa Athira Bt Asri, hereby vow to lose 20% of my whole body mass before 2012 session of school resume. 


I will be thin and fabulous!!!!!!!!!
And and and, well here's the fun part peoplezzz. I will document my journey to a thinner and more fabulous me. My disappointment, my crushed spirits, my binging and then throwing back up all of the food that I've accidentally eaten when I'm binging, my excessive exercise routine. WELL YEAH IT WILL ALLLL BE DOCUMENTED HEREZZ!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes ooooh people oooooh fantastically controversial innit? OOOH HAS ELSA GONE WILD?????? HAS SHE CHOSEN THE PATH OF DESTRUCTION?!??!?!?!?!?!??! IS SHE BECOMING ANOREXIC????????? OR BULLIMICCCCCC?????????????

DOES SHE HAVE BODY ISSUES AND IN NEED OF A PSYCHIATRIST?

Well no. Just you know, if you're thinking of that, just get rid of those weird thoughts. Because in order to become anorexic, you have to actually be thin and losing unnecessary weight. I am not trying to lose unnecessary weight. I am trying to lose very much necessary to be lost weight. Okay? Okay.

Lol I'm going psycho oooooooooooooooo ~~~~~~~~~
You know what they said? They said that not sleeping will make you thin.
MAYBE I'LL DO THAT TO! Maybe I won't sleep until I lose weight.

Hehehheh.

I WILL BECOME THIN AND FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abandon ship ~

Meredith: When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

- Meredith Grey

I don't believe that. Not yet.

I was changed without my consent. And for some reason, I'm not ready to embrace it yet.

Why?

All this love I have will turn into hate

Acceptance.

Well yeah acceptance is good. It means you're content with whatever that's happening. And you're not beaten by whatever life throws at you.

That's one way to see it innit?
But what is life if you're always accepting? To feel like you deserve more but you settle for less because it's easier. And chances are, you will never get what you truly deserve. You accept and you try to be happy.

You know you don't deserve to feel like this.
You're a good person. You care. And you love with all you had to offer. You care so much that you're willing to overlook ever hurtful, mean things the party you care about throws at you. And unfortunately for you, your love won't subside.
Because you love unconditionally and despite knowing that you deserve better, you hurt instead.

I'm a great, kind person. I am insecure at times. I over think. I give up to easily. But I don't hurt people I care about. I don't see them flail and do nothing. I will never ever in my whole life turn my back against anyone who needs me.

I deserve someone to do the same for me. To accept my flaws. To accept that sometimes I care too much. To accept that I'm human and I have my faults. To not leave me when I get too annoying.
I deserve to be a someone in someone's life.

I am just tired of coming undone every single day when I thought I'm making progress.
I deserve better.

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen ~~~

This is me, burst blogging.
AND I WILL BLOG ABOUT OWEN HUNT!!!!!!!!!!

He is so dreamy omg. Look at those bright eyes. And that nose. kajdhkjchakjhdkjaaaahd

Okay yeah, so that's it. I flailed unintelligently about a great looking guy who has kind, bright eyes. AJHDKJ Who's a tortured hero. Who's.. who's nice and goodlooking and jhsfga ajhdgayu just a whole lot of other things.
 I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah. so yeah, that's it. Lol.
Bbye ~

The scar is a fleck

Have been blogging almost everyday now. O.O
I have no idea why.. It's not like I have anything to write about anyways.

But yeah, finals are drawing to a close. Which is.. a good thing. I don't really have any motivation left to study ~
And I guess, I'm just waiting for the year to end. Waiting. Lol.

It's just that, it has been such a rough month. And I just want to skip to the end you know. When everything is alright. And I can finally feel something other than remorse and regret. When I can finally feel like myself again. When I can enjoy every day instead of waiting for it to end.

Yeah.

I just.. I just want to see what the future has in store for me. And honestly, the thing that they say about how time heals all wound? I want to see if it's true.

I hope it's true.

Holes inside.

Why would you want someone who doesn't want you?

I really have no clue Elsa. You're subjecting yourself to a lifetime of misery.
Why would you do that to yourself?

Hmm.
Maybe it's enough. Wanting someone so bad that it doesn't matter if they don't want you.
Because you really don't deserve anything more than that.

You're Elsa, after all.

Tell me where I should go ~

Things to do after finals:

1) Get my motorcycle license.

2) Travel across Europe. (Well not the whole of Europe, just London, Paris, Berlin, Hamburg, Switzerland and possibly Spain)

3) Read.

4) Finish Grey's Anatomy up to Season 7

5) Start on How I Met Your Mother

6) Read.

7) Kinokuniya Trip with Azraa, Aqila and Seri

8) Outings with Azrianna, Tusy and others.

9) Read.

10) Study for SPM

11) Read

12)Read.

13) Read.

14) Download all Eminem's albums.

15) Write a short story ~

16) Be happy.

17) Forget.

18) Move on.

19,20,21,22,23, 24, 25) Move on.

Move on.

They have nothing lovely to say

I love you.
I will always love you. But I don't want to love you.
I want to be happy instead.

And that's what I'll aim for in the near future. Happiness without you.
Sometimes, when it gets really dark where I'm at, I will think of you and how you used to remind me to turn on the lights.

But I won't forget the times when you were the one who forcefully turned off the lights for me and left me alone in the dark.
I'm struggling.
I still am.

But I won't give up.
I hope I won't give up.

Change

So yeah as you can see, this is a new blog.
I am moving forward. I am never ever looking back ever again.

Because whatever it is that I had before, it's behind me now. And I am a new person. I'm a new person with hopes and faiths and dreams.

And I will fall in love again. I will not change my psychopathic ways. But I'm no longer an emotional wreck. Or at least, I'll try not to be an emotional wreck anymore.

I'm not wrecked nor broken inside. I choose not to be.
And they said that there are 5 stages of grief;
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance.


Well how about we skip the grief part altogether and skip to the end; Change.

Because change is good. And I, for one, can't wait to see what it has in store for me.
Change is great.