In the previous post, I talked about how the adventure in States is thus far, monotonous.
It still is, actually.
But I just got over my mid term and my goodness, is there no other rush in life except the rush for studying. I just feel alive. Reading chapters after chapters, preparing for a presentation. It just feels so right. My life, has purpose.
Is it sad to center your life around your work? Some people say it is. I don't know what I think. I just think that I'm gonna do a Honors program. I'm gonna graduate with a 3.5 above CGPA and I'm gonna major in either History, English or... international relations. I dunno.
I sound like such a nerd. But travelling is not my passion. People kept on making plans to travel across US and I'm sitting here, trying to plan a trip and getting lost in the abyss of expensive plane tickets and horrible cheap hotels. It's... terrifying. I don't wanna fly to NY and then get lost trying to get to my hotel. My trip has to be planned to the most minor minute details. So, no, I don't think I will be flying anywhere anytime soon.
On other note, I miss home. I miss my cat. I really do. It is expected, really. I miss home when I was in Langkawi. I get homesick while my family and cat are around. Now I'm much farther. I still don't know how to connect with my peers. I mean sure, I share small talks. I'm great at those. I laugh when they attempt to be funny. But, I have no real friends. Strange really. How did I make friends back in Sri Aman? Lol. Making friends seem to be in Mandarin for me now. People seem to be so into each other, you have to wonder whether it is all an act or genuine. LOL
Am I bothered that I have no friends? I dunno. Sometimes it feels lonely, but other times I can't imagine my life with other people in it. I seem to have a difficult time expressing my thoughts even to the person closest to me. It's like my thoughts give no wiggle space for anyone at all to enter it. Not even my mum, not even my boyfriend. I hate to appear weak.
I could have the worst day but if people smile to me, despite every inch of muscles in my body wanting to ignore that person, I would still will my the muscles around my mouth to curve upward. I have so much trouble with vulnerability and it seems like no one has the slightest idea that I'm facing all of this.
I feel so lonely sometimes but I keep reminding myself that I chose to be this way. But a small part of me, wants a person to come along and break that barrier. Force me to be honest with myself. This, of course, contradicts everything that I tell myself. I am strong, I don't need anyone to pick me up.
But it'd be nice to be able to cry into the night with someone around to just... be there.
