Reflection

Fall 2015 semester drew to a close and I am left feeling... honestly, relieved.

It was not a good semester for me. This is the semester when I extend myself too far and way too much. I felt like I could do it all and nothing is out of my reach. My philosophy was that life is as hard or as easy as you made it out to be. You always find time. 

This semester, I started taking 100 level courses which meant that everything gets way harder that they were when I was a freshman. I am doing a double degree in both Actuarial Science and International Relations. Both demand so  much of my time and energy but I love doing both equally. So I stacked myself up with 15 credit hours. I also took a 15 hours per week job. I became the head of screenplay for this year's International Night. I was involved in projects in Enactus. I was also the secretary for Kelab UMNO Iowa. You stacked all of those together and you get a very tired me.

I am honestly not making excuses because I used to be stringent believer that people who make excuses are weak-willed. You can always find time. Don't sleep if you have to, don't eat if you have to. The only thing that mattered is your work.

My IR classes demanded so much reading and writing and my Act Sci classes are ridden with tests and homework every other week. I go to work at 8 am and I return home no sooner than 9 pm. There were days when I would only get home at 12 am. I cook for my housemates every Monday and Wednesday so on both of those days, I would have to be awake before 6 am. My weekends are also filled with meetings, practices and volunteer works. When I'm not at work, I'm at the library studying. I was tired but there was no warning signs until my arm gave up on me.

I used to think that the only tired part of me is my brain and no one can see that so it's not real. It's not real pain. But whenever I am worked up, my whole body started to ache. The worst that has been affected is my left arm, from being suspended for too long while I read and write and do things on my computer. It has been weeks since I could use my left arm properly. And the pain is constantly there but subsided when I rest quite enough. But finals have been over for a week now and my arm is no better. I don't know, I feel strangely solemn about this experience.

Somehow, I pulled through. I am now only put together by tapes and glue but it taught me an important thing: you can't have it all. There are things in this world that are not meant to be. I put my everything into everything that I do, But you don't get to do everything and still believe the universe will reciprocate. Something, somehow has got to give and instead of being mediocre and some of things I aspire to do, I was mediocre with myself. I did not take care of myself, and now I'm paying a hefty price for it. 

Next semester will be better I hope. 

I hope.

Goodnight you

I am so out of touch with writing and being creative.

But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.

As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.

Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?

When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.

Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.

Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.

But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.

Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.

 Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.

We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.

I am uncertain that we're worth it.

I am certain that I love you.

I am certain that you love me.

But I don't know if we're worth it. I don't know that when this pain disappears that I will ever look at you the same way again.

I don't know.

"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about"