I don't know if anyone still reads this blog.
My pageview is between 0-1 day by day but that is expected. In the off chance that anyone does read this blog, I have made this: ask.fm/elsaasri
You can ask me questions and stuff.
I'm never fond of interactions but that account might be interesting.
I'm sure this post is pointless but what the hell eh
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Doubts
I am in love with a very amazing guy. I am quite private about it. I could say it in writing but you'd never catch me saying that out loud in person. I mean we don't even utter those words to each other. We used to, when it was all new and exciting... but not anymore.
He is amazing.
Today, he walked almost 3 km to where I'm staying right now because I wanted chicken breasts to cook. It was freezing outside. The other day, he did the same thing because I needed painkillers for my headaches.
When he does all of that, I have no qualms in pledging myself to spend the rest of my life with him. In fact, I'm quite certain that's what I want. It would be wonderful.
I am not a passionate person. I am practical. I am compassionate to ideals and people who need help. But I am cold when it is required of me to make personal connections. That is my worst disadvantage.
Sometimes I find it disconcerting that he snagged me when I was the opposite. When I was young, wide-eyed and so ready to love. When personal relationships were my top priority instead of an inconvenience that I regard it now.
I was mushy and desperate for love, as many other teenagers are. In my desperate need for validation, I turn to him. It did not started out as an equal partnership. He was not always nice to me. I put him on a pedestal and it was not healthy.
But then we grew up. I did not reevaluate my choices. He's always in the sideline, a sure thing afterwards. I do not need any more drama that I was once so engulfed in. We both changed. The pushover girl was gone; I became reserved. Reserved with emotions, demeanours, words and expressions. In fact, I was so reserved that whenever we have a fight, the word he would most utter is "selfish".
Am I?
I don't know.
He changed too. From the cold-hearted guy who did not seem to care much about me, he cares too much. He walks too far from me. Spends too much money. And I don't think I ever reciprocated.
And yet, when the fight gets a little bit too heated and everything seems to tumble down, I would always be the one who would throw in the towel first. I would be the one who wants to run away. He would hold down the fort.
Truth is, I feel like I'm in the position of power. I once gave too much and receive too little and now that things have turned around, I don't know how to let the power go.
I love him. I see that he has changed. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. So why can't I give up that power? I feel bad for him. I know I love him, but if I won't walk 3 km to deliver chicken to him as he would do for me, what does that make me?
Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
I think I am lol.
I don't know.
That's what scares me the most. After a long fight, I would always pledge to change. To let him in. To not be so quick to make a run for it. And believe me I tried.
But there's always a lump in my throat when I would feel like making peace. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't. Fleeing seems like the much more attractive option. I am not a teenager anymore. Things are not spelled out in the form of childish dreams.
He is not my prince charming and I am not a damsel-in-distress. Dreaming of being taken away in a ball gown living happily ever after. Everything is much more real now. Moving forward, I might actually get married to this guy.
I am worried that I would not be able to figure this tangle out before the true demanding convictions of adulthood forces its presence onto both of us.
I really am.
He is amazing.
Today, he walked almost 3 km to where I'm staying right now because I wanted chicken breasts to cook. It was freezing outside. The other day, he did the same thing because I needed painkillers for my headaches.
When he does all of that, I have no qualms in pledging myself to spend the rest of my life with him. In fact, I'm quite certain that's what I want. It would be wonderful.
I am not a passionate person. I am practical. I am compassionate to ideals and people who need help. But I am cold when it is required of me to make personal connections. That is my worst disadvantage.
Sometimes I find it disconcerting that he snagged me when I was the opposite. When I was young, wide-eyed and so ready to love. When personal relationships were my top priority instead of an inconvenience that I regard it now.
I was mushy and desperate for love, as many other teenagers are. In my desperate need for validation, I turn to him. It did not started out as an equal partnership. He was not always nice to me. I put him on a pedestal and it was not healthy.
But then we grew up. I did not reevaluate my choices. He's always in the sideline, a sure thing afterwards. I do not need any more drama that I was once so engulfed in. We both changed. The pushover girl was gone; I became reserved. Reserved with emotions, demeanours, words and expressions. In fact, I was so reserved that whenever we have a fight, the word he would most utter is "selfish".
Am I?
I don't know.
He changed too. From the cold-hearted guy who did not seem to care much about me, he cares too much. He walks too far from me. Spends too much money. And I don't think I ever reciprocated.
And yet, when the fight gets a little bit too heated and everything seems to tumble down, I would always be the one who would throw in the towel first. I would be the one who wants to run away. He would hold down the fort.
Truth is, I feel like I'm in the position of power. I once gave too much and receive too little and now that things have turned around, I don't know how to let the power go.
I love him. I see that he has changed. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. So why can't I give up that power? I feel bad for him. I know I love him, but if I won't walk 3 km to deliver chicken to him as he would do for me, what does that make me?
Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
I think I am lol.
I don't know.
That's what scares me the most. After a long fight, I would always pledge to change. To let him in. To not be so quick to make a run for it. And believe me I tried.
But there's always a lump in my throat when I would feel like making peace. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't. Fleeing seems like the much more attractive option. I am not a teenager anymore. Things are not spelled out in the form of childish dreams.
He is not my prince charming and I am not a damsel-in-distress. Dreaming of being taken away in a ball gown living happily ever after. Everything is much more real now. Moving forward, I might actually get married to this guy.
I am worried that I would not be able to figure this tangle out before the true demanding convictions of adulthood forces its presence onto both of us.
I really am.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I lost someone very dear to me yesterday.
I call her Mak Noli. She's my mum's best friend. And she's like an aunt to me.
After almost 2 years battling stage 4 lung cancer, she has gone back to the Almighty, Allah S.W.T.
I have no point to this post except to express how sad I am that I couldn't be there in Malaysia for her. I remember the last time I spoke to her. It was about a week before I leave home for the States. She was in the hospital and she hugged as I was about to leave. She told me to study, to give it my all for she doesn't know if she will still be here the next time I come home.
And indeed, that was the last time I would ever see her again. She is in a better place now. And I know that Allah has placed her among the righteous. The Mak Noli I know and will always remember deserves nothing less.
To her last breath, she was as strong as a pillar. I could see how her forehead would wrinkle in pain on one of her numbered days, but she still managed a smile when I waved her goodbye.
When my mum went to perform her hajj in 2009, she would visit us kids at home often. She would cook for us. She taught me how to make pai tee- a Chinese appetizer.
I am just rambling now.
I will miss her. No string of words will be able to express that. Nothing that I say will do her justice because she was an amazing person with a humongous heart.
Mak Noli, kakak harap Mak Noli tenang kat sana. Al-Fatihah.
I call her Mak Noli. She's my mum's best friend. And she's like an aunt to me.
After almost 2 years battling stage 4 lung cancer, she has gone back to the Almighty, Allah S.W.T.
I have no point to this post except to express how sad I am that I couldn't be there in Malaysia for her. I remember the last time I spoke to her. It was about a week before I leave home for the States. She was in the hospital and she hugged as I was about to leave. She told me to study, to give it my all for she doesn't know if she will still be here the next time I come home.
And indeed, that was the last time I would ever see her again. She is in a better place now. And I know that Allah has placed her among the righteous. The Mak Noli I know and will always remember deserves nothing less.
To her last breath, she was as strong as a pillar. I could see how her forehead would wrinkle in pain on one of her numbered days, but she still managed a smile when I waved her goodbye.
When my mum went to perform her hajj in 2009, she would visit us kids at home often. She would cook for us. She taught me how to make pai tee- a Chinese appetizer.
I am just rambling now.
I will miss her. No string of words will be able to express that. Nothing that I say will do her justice because she was an amazing person with a humongous heart.
Mak Noli, kakak harap Mak Noli tenang kat sana. Al-Fatihah.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
How 2014 went for me
Almost a week into 2015, and now I decided to recap what happened lol. I'm just having a streak of writing mojo and thought why not capitalize on that.
So how did 2014 went? It was an important year. I don't say that liberally. Many years have gone by when I just thought went by like the wind. Swoosh... gone. But I am aware of every single occurrence of 2014. Mainly because 2014 is momentous for my education career. It does not even compare to SPM which until recently I thought would be the most important achievement for myself to date.
In January, I applied for a multitude of schools in the US. In February, I worked my behind off to get a CGPA of over 3.5 in INTEC. From Mid-Feb till March, I found out I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to. If I may say so myself, I only applied to safety schools lol. My main criterion for schools to apply to is not having more than 1 entrance essay. So 3 of the schools I applied to do not need essay at all. And 1 school needed 1 essay lol. Am I regretting the fact that I did not challenge myself and see if I could get into Ivy or UCLA or NYU? Idk lol. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could do better but other times, I just feel so perfectly content here in Drake that I feel sorry for people who care too much about rankings and stuff like that.
Drake is such a serene, stress-free place to be. Up till now, at least. Everything is cheaper here. And it's beautiful.
In April, nothing major happened but working my behind off for INTEC and it's crazy high CGPA demands. Assignments piled up. I was so exhausted. I remember it being the most exhausted I ever was. I argued with my boyfriend consistently because I wanted him to keep up a high CGPA too since we were to go off together.
In May, it was finals. I did the best I could and I moved on.
In June, we got our results back. I got a 3.81 GPA. A high improvement since my Fall 2013: 3.46. It basically meant I did not get any Bs for any of my subjects that semester. Honestly, I felt grateful that the long exhaustive nights was not for naught. But I guess, it really meant little to anyone (expect to my parents). Did not spend too long revering in what seemed like a moot achievement because well, it did not seem like much.
In July, it was puasa and I got busy with my visa and preparation to fly off.
In August, I flew on a 33 hours journey with 8 hours transit in Beijing. It was not easy saying goodbye to my cat, of course. I managed without shedding any tears lol. Arrived in Des Moines, not really knowing what to expect.
In September, I started classes and realised that INTEC was just ripping everyone off at college is not that difficult if you do your work.
In October, I turned 19. My celebration consisted of a few Happy Birthday wishes from my mum, dad and sister on Whatsapp lol. I got a Kate Spade watch from my handsome and thoughtful boyfriend and that was that.
In November, Thanskgiving happened and I travelled to the Darlings and received a much needed epiphany. It was such a great trip. But in total I spent over 500 dollars to shop. Which is really not my proudest moment. I got an iPhone 6. Yep, November was not a great month for my bank account.
I had Finals in December. And got my results back.
I guess it was good enough. I went travelling to the East Coast and realised my life-long dream of watching les mis on Broadway, it was such a great night I still can't believe it. I flew back here to Iowa on 1/1/2014 lol. How apt.
2014 was a splendid year. I am void of any real human emotions but I do feel like 2014 was a turning point for me. I don't know.
I wrote 2 blog posts in the span of 2 hours. Lol what happened to me.
Anyway, yeah I published my results here. I don't know if the disclaimer that I'm not trying to brag is needed. Honestly, I don't really care if people think I'm bragging. This blog is read by like 2 people lol. And the people who read this would know that I'm not bragging but yeah. I'm just kind sick of the vague thing that people do on blogs. I'm telling ya straight up because well, I feel like it.
Byee
So how did 2014 went? It was an important year. I don't say that liberally. Many years have gone by when I just thought went by like the wind. Swoosh... gone. But I am aware of every single occurrence of 2014. Mainly because 2014 is momentous for my education career. It does not even compare to SPM which until recently I thought would be the most important achievement for myself to date.
In January, I applied for a multitude of schools in the US. In February, I worked my behind off to get a CGPA of over 3.5 in INTEC. From Mid-Feb till March, I found out I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to. If I may say so myself, I only applied to safety schools lol. My main criterion for schools to apply to is not having more than 1 entrance essay. So 3 of the schools I applied to do not need essay at all. And 1 school needed 1 essay lol. Am I regretting the fact that I did not challenge myself and see if I could get into Ivy or UCLA or NYU? Idk lol. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could do better but other times, I just feel so perfectly content here in Drake that I feel sorry for people who care too much about rankings and stuff like that.
Drake is such a serene, stress-free place to be. Up till now, at least. Everything is cheaper here. And it's beautiful.
In April, nothing major happened but working my behind off for INTEC and it's crazy high CGPA demands. Assignments piled up. I was so exhausted. I remember it being the most exhausted I ever was. I argued with my boyfriend consistently because I wanted him to keep up a high CGPA too since we were to go off together.
In May, it was finals. I did the best I could and I moved on.
In June, we got our results back. I got a 3.81 GPA. A high improvement since my Fall 2013: 3.46. It basically meant I did not get any Bs for any of my subjects that semester. Honestly, I felt grateful that the long exhaustive nights was not for naught. But I guess, it really meant little to anyone (expect to my parents). Did not spend too long revering in what seemed like a moot achievement because well, it did not seem like much.
In July, it was puasa and I got busy with my visa and preparation to fly off.
In August, I flew on a 33 hours journey with 8 hours transit in Beijing. It was not easy saying goodbye to my cat, of course. I managed without shedding any tears lol. Arrived in Des Moines, not really knowing what to expect.
In September, I started classes and realised that INTEC was just ripping everyone off at college is not that difficult if you do your work.
In October, I turned 19. My celebration consisted of a few Happy Birthday wishes from my mum, dad and sister on Whatsapp lol. I got a Kate Spade watch from my handsome and thoughtful boyfriend and that was that.
In November, Thanskgiving happened and I travelled to the Darlings and received a much needed epiphany. It was such a great trip. But in total I spent over 500 dollars to shop. Which is really not my proudest moment. I got an iPhone 6. Yep, November was not a great month for my bank account.
I had Finals in December. And got my results back.
I guess it was good enough. I went travelling to the East Coast and realised my life-long dream of watching les mis on Broadway, it was such a great night I still can't believe it. I flew back here to Iowa on 1/1/2014 lol. How apt.
2014 was a splendid year. I am void of any real human emotions but I do feel like 2014 was a turning point for me. I don't know.
I wrote 2 blog posts in the span of 2 hours. Lol what happened to me.
Anyway, yeah I published my results here. I don't know if the disclaimer that I'm not trying to brag is needed. Honestly, I don't really care if people think I'm bragging. This blog is read by like 2 people lol. And the people who read this would know that I'm not bragging but yeah. I'm just kind sick of the vague thing that people do on blogs. I'm telling ya straight up because well, I feel like it.
Byee
Bring him homeee
A few days ago I had an interesting convo with my boyfriend. I asked him if he would like a quiet, meek wife or he would like an outspoken no-nonsense feminist. Basically asking what his type of ideal woman is.
He refused to answer me but knowing him, I would say that he leans more toward the meek wife who says yes to his every whim and desires. Because let's face it, that type of girls is every Malay man ideal woman. I mean, I may be over-generalizing but yeah, I do believe if given the choice, my boyfriend would much rather go with that meek, weak damsel-in-distress. He brought up the fact that I used to be that girl long ago and he missed that side of me.
Yeah, well I was. Lol.
In my teenage years, I was an insecure chubby girl who wanted so badly validation from the opposite sex. And guess what? Dumbing yourself down, acting like a damsel in distress brings you loads of attention from the male species. However, I quickly realised that I don't want the excessive attention and became a "stringer" because I did not want to confront them about my real feelings e.g. not wanting to video chat with them over Skype. Of course after a few weeks of unreplied texts and strings of dumb excuses they dropped me like hot potato. Lol.
Ahh where did the years go. I grew up, threw away the meek girl facade and basically led my life because I didn't think that any guy is interesting enough. This is largely attributed to the fact that I could not hold a conversation with any kind of human species with the exception of my family and my few numbers of friends. I got lazy to reply empty meaningless text messages. And I could not justify going online to chat on Skype every night when I could cry over my tv shows.
My boyfriend wiggled his way back into my life and here we are. I guess having a boyfriend is terrific in the sense that you don't care anymore about what other guys think of you. I could look haggard, my tudung could be slanted 45 degrees and it would not bother me. Heck, my boyfriend even told me my feet stink once and I went meh. I just I couldn't be bothered anymore.
I completely removed any hanky panky ooo this guy looked at me what does it mean. Or ooo he is so handsome I want him. It's just completely gone. Any attraction to the opposite sex is idle. I would acknowledge that he is good looking but have no desire to be noticed by that person.
I guess I never realised it until I started thinking about it now haha. I'd like to think that the only reason I'm this way is because I've aged but nah. Lol. Many people my age single or not still excessively talk about this. At least from what I can gathered from the few gatherings I had with what few people who invited me.
Funny how during the few short years in my mid-teen I completely did a 180 degree and just stopped wanting to conform. I'm entering the 20s this year. Can you imagine. 2 decades of breathing. I feel so old goodness.
I am no longer a teen. lol.
Hopefully it's not downhill from here.
He refused to answer me but knowing him, I would say that he leans more toward the meek wife who says yes to his every whim and desires. Because let's face it, that type of girls is every Malay man ideal woman. I mean, I may be over-generalizing but yeah, I do believe if given the choice, my boyfriend would much rather go with that meek, weak damsel-in-distress. He brought up the fact that I used to be that girl long ago and he missed that side of me.
Yeah, well I was. Lol.
In my teenage years, I was an insecure chubby girl who wanted so badly validation from the opposite sex. And guess what? Dumbing yourself down, acting like a damsel in distress brings you loads of attention from the male species. However, I quickly realised that I don't want the excessive attention and became a "stringer" because I did not want to confront them about my real feelings e.g. not wanting to video chat with them over Skype. Of course after a few weeks of unreplied texts and strings of dumb excuses they dropped me like hot potato. Lol.
Ahh where did the years go. I grew up, threw away the meek girl facade and basically led my life because I didn't think that any guy is interesting enough. This is largely attributed to the fact that I could not hold a conversation with any kind of human species with the exception of my family and my few numbers of friends. I got lazy to reply empty meaningless text messages. And I could not justify going online to chat on Skype every night when I could cry over my tv shows.
My boyfriend wiggled his way back into my life and here we are. I guess having a boyfriend is terrific in the sense that you don't care anymore about what other guys think of you. I could look haggard, my tudung could be slanted 45 degrees and it would not bother me. Heck, my boyfriend even told me my feet stink once and I went meh. I just I couldn't be bothered anymore.
I completely removed any hanky panky ooo this guy looked at me what does it mean. Or ooo he is so handsome I want him. It's just completely gone. Any attraction to the opposite sex is idle. I would acknowledge that he is good looking but have no desire to be noticed by that person.
I guess I never realised it until I started thinking about it now haha. I'd like to think that the only reason I'm this way is because I've aged but nah. Lol. Many people my age single or not still excessively talk about this. At least from what I can gathered from the few gatherings I had with what few people who invited me.
Funny how during the few short years in my mid-teen I completely did a 180 degree and just stopped wanting to conform. I'm entering the 20s this year. Can you imagine. 2 decades of breathing. I feel so old goodness.
I am no longer a teen. lol.
Hopefully it's not downhill from here.
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