Why I'm a feminist

I don't have the privilege to ignore misogynists and their damaging perspectives. My fellow women are systematically oppressed by the same mentality. I have been a personal victim of such mentality although I realize that my experience in the grand scheme of things pale in comparison. If I don't do anything, I am a part of the problem.

I don't dream of tackling every reason why I am a feminist. I am a feminist for far too many reasons. But this particular tweet resonated to the deep seated disgust I feel for aurat crusaders in particular.
I am paraphrasing but:

"Kenapa nak marah lelaki tengok kalau pakai seluar ketat dan tank top? Pakai baju ketat apa niatnya?" 

There're so many ignorance in one statement, I can barely deal. If you click on the tweet and you dare read the comments below it, you would see how patriarchal our society is. Someone had the audacity to say

"Patut kau video tape je orang yang pakai macam ni. Baru diorang tau". 

If that does not make you lose all faith in men, I don't know what will.

Firstly, you should extend common decency to women on the basis of her being a human. It is common decency to know that it's rude to point and stare at people. Mak bapak tak ajar ke? How that person dress and how they look on the outside is irrelevant.  You dehumanize a woman when you tell her she has no right to get angry when she is treated because of the way she dresses.

How better are you than they guy I met at a truck stop in Chicago who called me a terrorist because of my Hijab? Both of you judge women by what she chose to wear so really you're no better. You are both scums of the earth and I pray that you would not reproduce.

You cling to the ability to disrespect women. Why? Do you believe it's your right to be an asshole? What kind of person fight so hard to disrespect other people? I would assume that you are a bad person if you are so passionate about hurting someone. You deny someone's lived experiences, and at the same time, vilify them because they dare to feel uncomfortable for being stared at. Again, what kind of a person are you?

Secondly, you argue about the intentions of women who dress that way. You argue that their intentions are clear: they want men's attention. So they had no rights to get mad when they are stared at. How high is the horse you're sitting at if you think that women only do things for you? What's the point of her getting mad at the impolite staring if that was the response she wanted? Who are you to tell someone who felt like she was violated by men who ogled at her that she was wrong? Are you God to know what's going on inside her? If you're not God why are you taking God's works, judging and punishing?

The analogy is simple: you uses the iPhone 6 and of course, you would use it in public. If the phone is thieved, would it be okay for people to assume that you wanted for your phone to get taken from you? Instead of blaming the thief, they are blaming you for using your phone in broad daylight. How would you like that?

Never mind the fact that a woman's journey of submission to her Creator is pure and scared. When I don the Hijab, I get reminded of modesty; I feel closer to my Creator because I am following His orders. I submit to Him and to Him only. I can't imagine covering up out of intimidation from the men around me who gets horny by the sight of my bare arms. Who would stick their necks out to defend their rights to ogle at me if I dare to wear any formfitting outfit. Who would do more to name and shame women who show their hair than to condemn the absolute monstrosity of domestic violence and rape culture.

Men who go on these crusades taint my fellow sisters' journey to submission. They reduce the absolute sanctity of Islam's call to cover up. They make it about themselves and their utter lack of self control.

 I pray that Allah will guide all these kinds of men. Until then, I will rid myself from these misogynists and hopefully do what I can to educate my future son and brothers so that at least, in my family line I can stop this misogynistic cycle.

Call me a feminazi if you'd like; because I have already formed my opinion about you and all the men who after reading my lengthy explanation, would still fight for their rights to be assholes.

Emotions

So I just watched a video on Buzzfeed titled "What makes men cry?". It basically revolved around the absolute stigma that men have to face surrounding crying or any display of emotions. Men are considered masculine so crying, in a way, would cripple that image.

I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.

I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am.  As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.

I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.

I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.

I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.

Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.

There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.