Thoughts on Wedding customs

As I'm writing this, 45 minutes from now his parents are going to walk into my house to talk about welll.... me and him getting married.

I guess it's called "merisik" in Malay custom. Comes with its own sets of rules and regulations which I chose to mostly ignore much to the chagrin of my mum. But that's what I have come to realize as I'm journeying towards marriage and everything-- that there's so much rules surrounding everything, often with extra expenses that don't really make sense.

This is my biggest struggle as I come to realize moving forward. The fact that getting engaged means getting families involved in a big hullaballoo, when in actuality, it's just a promise for us to get married. We need rings, we need hantarans, need dewans. And I struggle to reconcile this with my personality which values practicality above all else. I guess this whole thing veers on the side of "much ado about nothing" more than I'd like.

Another aspect of a wedding custom that I find absolutely grating is the passivity expected from me, as the "bride-to-be" (shudders). I am expected to sit and look pretty as people all around decide what's good for me. How many people to invite, what to wear. As the "elders" talk about how to proceed etc. It is grating because as far as I can remember, I've always made my own decisions.

I was lucky to have gotten a free ride throughout college and did not struggle. I could provide for myself free from my parents' support. I moved 9000 miles away from home where I largely decided on things on my own. And now that I feel more adult than over- so adult in fact that I decided I'm ready to be married-- I am expected to revert back to this clueless 17 year old whose parents have to decide everything for? It's counter intuitive, and most of all patriarchal in a way that I was never used to, and hope to god that I will never have to get used to.

And of course, the fact that I'm forking out a significant amount of the money required to have all of these wedding things. I've never considered myself a girly girl, and I, particularly don't like doing delicate things that I perceive to provide little to no value for my wellbeing. I don't wear much makeup daily because it's too much of a hassle to wash my face every time I need to pray, I don't decorate my bedroom or make my bed because it's gonna get messy anyways, and I don't wear fancy stuff that I'm uncomfortable in. But yeah, practically everything that has to do with marriage custom is uncomfortable.

As I reconcile between making the "elders" happy and making myself happy, I think they will win out eventually. I just wish that as I look back at this time, I will not be overcame with regret that I wasn't more assertive. After all, as everyone has been reiterating, a wedding is once in a lifetime so I wish that I can find it in me to enjoy myself throughout this journey.