Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

It seems that all I do lately is stare into space. 

I know it does no good to think about the things that make me upset. Inexplicably though, I'd think about them anyway.

Is it degrading to admit that you're wounded? 

I for one, think that it is.

They say that there's light at the end of the tunnel. I think I saw that light. Even careless enough to reach out for it. 

Well, as it turns out, there is light. But just as I'm about to get used to the brightness, I'm back into another tunnel. Pushed into another deep abyss of darkness. One that gives me the impression that no good will ever come out from resisting it.

How much blow can a single person take before they finally give up?

It's easy to get on with life when you decide to look beyond yourself and you see just how blessed you are. I know I'm blessed. And whatever issue I'm dawned upon is inflicted by myself. Self-blaming though, proved to be just as self-harming as I previously thought I was being when I let my grief take control of me. 

And if you see the logic of it, if you dare to live life as if there's only black and white then I guess it'd be pretty simple. I see the logic of things and more often than not, I'd try to follow it. There's only one unfortunate obstacle; the world is not black and white. 

Life isn't simple.

The future isn't predictable.

So you go through life with uncertainties and no leverage at all to guarantee that you'd find that happiness you so covet for. Your confidence wavers and becoming more fragile as days go by. 

But then again, I haven't found any solution to overcome this- which begs the question, why do I find it necessary to confess to this?
Nothing good ever comes from displaying weakness. 

I guess I am indeed fragile and sad and lonely.

But I will overcome this- whatever this is. Even if I don't, maybe things won't turn out as badly as I think it will.
Just.. maybe.

I'm right where I belong

I took control.
I didn't let anyone make me feel inferior.

And guess what, I'm not 'a sad little girl'.
I'm sure you're a great person. I'm really sure of that. You're just not a good person to me.
And that makes me a big girl. A happy big girl whom for once didn't submit to anyone. Much less to someone who doesn't even like me that much.

I matter. I know that. I'm not delusional.
And I am most definitely over you.

I've got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright

There will a come a point in your life where you wonder whether you're just being extremely melodramatic or your problem is truly as big as it seems.

I brush off all of my close to tears moments lately as me being melodramatic. I chastise myself for feeling low. Basically, I've turned myself against me.

I thought I should be free to feel however I want to feel.

But I can't. I feel weak and disgusted with myself every time I feel any sort of emotions at all.  I don't know what conclusion I'm coming to. Just bear with me.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - Eleanor Roosevelt.

That sounds so awfully simple doesn't it? And that's why I feel repulsed with myself every time I get hurt or feel sad. Because I let myself be in that position. I let people make me feel inferior. They couldn't have done it without my consent. 

I let people into my life. I let them stay on my mind. And the worst part is, I trust them.

Nothing good ever comes out from trusting anyone. And to trust someone with your heart? With your emotion? You might as well hand them a knife and tell them to stab you when you're not looking. It'd hurt less.

And there I go, making myself sound like I belong in a 12 years running soap opera. It really is the truth though.

People aren't nice.

I've come to that conclusion long ago. I'm not bitter nor cynical. I haven't lost faith in humanity. But people are by nature aggressive and they'd always put their needs above anyone else's. It's not their fault, it's basic survival instinct.

I'm not blessed with that instinct, however. And I'm not saying that I'm nice as well. You be the judge of that. But I worry a lot.

I worry what consequences my actions could bring to other people. I worry that I did someone wrong. I worry if I had affected anyone negatively all the time.

So I don't understand when people purposely hurt me, fully knowing that their actions hurt me. They don't seem to mind at all. 

I'm not playing the victim card now. I'm fully aware that I'm the reason why I'm here. I'll guard myself better. I won't let anyone into my life. I won't trust anyone with any secrets of mine.

And then I'll pray to be safe from getting hurt. I'll pray that I won't feel that much.

I've been crazy lately ~

Just a random post. I'm bored and it's midterms and well, in time of loneliness this blog hasn't failed me yet.

During BM paper 1 today I wrote; 'Mengikut kajian Unit Analisis Sikap, Biro Penyiasat Persekutuan Amerika Syarikat, semua pembunuh bersiri rata-rata lahir dari keluarga yang tidak menunjukkan kasih sayang'. I feel good  about myself all day today because of that.
Criminal Minds knowledge is applicable in daily life, mind you.

My right carpal has been hurting since Holes production practice. Siiigh. Being the clumsy mouse (I choose mouse because I feel cute as of now) that I am, I tripped over the piles of sand repeatedly while vigorously ~directing~. I broke all my falls with my right hand. And now, it won't stop hurting. Of course, the pain will only present itself while I do things that involve wrist movements but yeah. This sucks. Because it turns out that writing involves a lot of wrist movements. And today was Sejarah Paper 2 and BM paper 1. I wrote a total of 11 pages of essays.
And now my wrist up to my neck and shoulder hurts.

(I'm secretly hoping that this would impair my ability to write and I wouldn't have to sit for the other mid term papers. Or I would have to but I could like.. sit my paper using cool methods like having to type in all my answers instead of writing them lolz)


 Tomorrow would be Maths Paper 2 and English Paper 1. Heh.

I wonder why they have to have so many papers.
Zz

nope nope. no.
I refuse to be in this position again.

No.

I'm not a freaking punching bag.

Some nights I stay up

I don't know.
There are just too many things to figure out.

So I decided to be alone. So that I can figure those things out by myself. But I think being in my own company is just messing up my head more than ever.

I guess I have't been in this state for a very long time now. Life has been pretty fine and dandy for me before this. I guess you can't be fine and dandy all the time sigh.
For the most part, tearing up isn't my forte anymore. I find myself having too much ego to even cry. Is that bad?

I think it is. It sucks to be so.. insecure that you can't cry even when you're alone.

I'm proud of myself though, for not running to the ones who are familiar to me in light of recent problems I'm facing. I get it now that some things have no solutions and telling people about them sometimes lead to.. nothing. And them not being able to offer any solution will lead me to a very easily irritable mood.

But I feel.. so alone.
Although loneliness is probably not the worst thing in the world.

I guess maybe just for once I should admit to the fact that I'm.. just.. sad.
I should work towards not being sad anymore instead of just ignoring the fact and fake laugh my way out of stuffs.

And I'm sure this will past. Whatever feeling I'm feeling right now will eventually pass.
I'm sure I'll be okay again.

I'm sure.

April has ended O.O

And my post count for the month of April is... 2.

O.O

Woah.