10 Reasons Why I Love My Boyfriend

I never talk about this. I mean I used to but not anymore. But I figured there's nothing wrong with reminding yourself why you love them.

10) He has no problem driving over to my house every single day to pick me up and drop me off to and from school. He prefers it actually, over me staying at my dorm room. And seldom asks for gas. :)

9) He never admits that I'm fat. Eventhough I know I am.

8) So he never discourages me when I crave for peculiar food. He encourages me actually. (which is kinda bad  but yeah...)

7) He likes the colour of my eyes. And I love his.

6) He's not shy to admit that we're an item. I'm still a bit private about it. But he had practically shown his whole extended family of my photo. Lol.

5) He tells me that he wants to marry me someday.

4) I am repelled by the idea of sharing my life with someone. But when I think about him, I look forward to it.

3) He knows life is not all rainbow and butterflies, so he seldom texts sweet things or say good morning or good night. He instead cares about me more than I care about myself. Once, I had to stay back for 2 hours after class to attend a club meeting. He was tired. And we were fighting. He still waited for me and fell asleep on a bench in school.

2) We don't remember our get-together anniversary. We don't celebrate much actually. We don't know how long we've been together. And I have stopped telling him I love him. Yet, when things are tough he would remind me that he loves me. And although we hate each other at that point of time, I never doubt that he does.

1) Because while I'm gathering this list, I had to omit a million other reasons why I love him. If I were to go on, this list would not cease. :)

There you go. Now go puke in your toilet bowl if you just read that. I know I'm about to.

Lol.

Strange

I was so young.

And things have changed so much.
I read my old blog posts and realised that most of my posts have a sanguine undertone to them. I wrote about my hopes and fears. I wrote about self discovery.
For some reason, I sounded really pleasant. Like I'm a pleasant person to be around with.
Which is shocking cause I always thought I am an emo bitch since forever.

But now... wow. My thought process is really slow. I don't think about things as much as I used to anymore. I don't look at the world and generate perspectives. I exclude myself from most of the things in this world.

I hate social interactions cause I think they're pointless.
It's weird.

I've developed into a weird, anti-social, unpleasant person.
Strange.

What Makes Me Who I Am?

I decided for once, to settle on a topic to write in this blog instead of trailing off writing about my uneventful life.
Lol.

As I turns out, I will be dividing this post into 2. My past and my present. And how I got to my present somewhere in one of those posts. Ought to be interesting. (Self praise is no praise).

So I guess 'What makes me who I am" is an interesting topic to delve into. Although I still haven't really figure it out yet. So I'm figuring it out as I write this. So... yeah. This will be an extremely unorganized post but I myself am disorganized so what's new.

I don't know.
Truly, it seems like there are no events that led me to who I am. I just go with the flow and developed my thoughts as I age.

However, that ought to be an oversimplification.
Let's start with how I am currently.

I guess I am a thinker. For every miniscule aspect of my life, it would be accompanied with scattered train of thoughts. I don't learn from people or past experiences, I learn through current observations. I center my universe around me.

And I live through life carelessly.

How carelessly? No that doesn't mean I'm adventurous. I just... don't learn from what I do wrong. Most probably because I have very little experience in making the wrong decisions. Life has been working out quite well for me.

I don't like experiencing failure so I am terrified by its prospect. So I work hard. I work really hard. I guess you could say I am ambitious. I get geared up when I see people one-upping me. I think that is because I am a confident (and to a certain extent, arrogant) person who believe in my self-worth. I don't say this a lot but when people are better than me, I would feel extremely challenged. I would think that I am able to achieve that as well. So I work hard to prove that to myself.

However, it is not as intense as I made it sound. I would work hard, but my brain would not fast forward to the end result. I keep self doubt close, so that I won't forget to be grounded. So even when things do not work out, I move on quite easily.
Unless if I fail. If I fail, then my world would tumble down. But even then I would not give up. I guess, no matter how bad I am at something, I would never admit that I couldn't do it. I am ambitious, driven, arrogant and refuse to be defeated.

I like that about myself.
What I have a slight problem with is my inability to establish human connections. I mean, I have no problem being friendly. I am in no way, introverted. When it is required of me, I socialise. Quite well.
I just don't really fancy it. If I were given a choice between talking to people or being on my own. I would choose the latter 9 out of 10 times.

As a result, I have few real friends. I don't make friends easily. And I have trouble maintaining the connections with the friends I already made.

Does this bother me? A bit, probably. But not enough to change. Because I am comfortable, strange enough. Loneliness allows me to think and develop my thoughts.
I don't have it easy though. I'm not naturally smart or pretty or driven.
I am lazy. My motivation as of now is my scholarship.

Other than that, I have very little going on for me.
I am okay though.
I am content although I wish I could be more.

I like where I am right now. I've been happier, but I was also younger. I grew up I guess, in the process I realised that sometimes the things that matter to people such as, friendship and life experiences might not correlate with what I think matter in life.
I think what matter most are ambition and individuality. And that's okay. People have their inclinations.

And it might sometimes not be okay for me as well. I am after all, still human and I get envious. But I always return to my default state. I am in a state of a serene acceptance. Nothing euphoric nor melancholic. I do my best in my situation and I would leave it at that.

Alhamdulillah for my life.

And kita berjumpa lagi di post yang seterusnya! Toodaloo~~