Friday, May 2, 2014

What Makes Me Who I Am?

I decided for once, to settle on a topic to write in this blog instead of trailing off writing about my uneventful life.

As I turns out, I will be dividing this post into 2. My past and my present. And how I got to my present somewhere in one of those posts. Ought to be interesting. (Self praise is no praise).

So I guess 'What makes me who I am" is an interesting topic to delve into. Although I still haven't really figure it out yet. So I'm figuring it out as I write this. So... yeah. This will be an extremely unorganized post but I myself am disorganized so what's new.

I don't know.
Truly, it seems like there are no events that led me to who I am. I just go with the flow and developed my thoughts as I age.

However, that ought to be an oversimplification.
Let's start with how I am currently.

I guess I am a thinker. For every miniscule aspect of my life, it would be accompanied with scattered train of thoughts. I don't learn from people or past experiences, I learn through current observations. I center my universe around me.

And I live through life carelessly.

How carelessly? No that doesn't mean I'm adventurous. I just... don't learn from what I do wrong. Most probably because I have very little experience in making the wrong decisions. Life has been working out quite well for me.

I don't like experiencing failure so I am terrified by its prospect. So I work hard. I work really hard. I guess you could say I am ambitious. I get geared up when I see people one-upping me. I think that is because I am a confident (and to a certain extent, arrogant) person who believe in my self-worth. I don't say this a lot but when people are better than me, I would feel extremely challenged. I would think that I am able to achieve that as well. So I work hard to prove that to myself.

However, it is not as intense as I made it sound. I would work hard, but my brain would not fast forward to the end result. I keep self doubt close, so that I won't forget to be grounded. So even when things do not work out, I move on quite easily.
Unless if I fail. If I fail, then my world would tumble down. But even then I would not give up. I guess, no matter how bad I am at something, I would never admit that I couldn't do it. I am ambitious, driven, arrogant and refuse to be defeated.

I like that about myself.
What I have a slight problem with is my inability to establish human connections. I mean, I have no problem being friendly. I am in no way, introverted. When it is required of me, I socialise. Quite well.
I just don't really fancy it. If I were given a choice between talking to people or being on my own. I would choose the latter 9 out of 10 times.

As a result, I have few real friends. I don't make friends easily. And I have trouble maintaining the connections with the friends I already made.

Does this bother me? A bit, probably. But not enough to change. Because I am comfortable, strange enough. Loneliness allows me to think and develop my thoughts.
I don't have it easy though. I'm not naturally smart or pretty or driven.
I am lazy. My motivation as of now is my scholarship.

Other than that, I have very little going on for me.
I am okay though.
I am content although I wish I could be more.

I like where I am right now. I've been happier, but I was also younger. I grew up I guess, in the process I realised that sometimes the things that matter to people such as, friendship and life experiences might not correlate with what I think matter in life.
I think what matter most are ambition and individuality. And that's okay. People have their inclinations.

And it might sometimes not be okay for me as well. I am after all, still human and I get envious. But I always return to my default state. I am in a state of a serene acceptance. Nothing euphoric nor melancholic. I do my best in my situation and I would leave it at that.

Alhamdulillah for my life.

And kita berjumpa lagi di post yang seterusnya! Toodaloo~~

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