Reflection

Fall 2015 semester drew to a close and I am left feeling... honestly, relieved.

It was not a good semester for me. This is the semester when I extend myself too far and way too much. I felt like I could do it all and nothing is out of my reach. My philosophy was that life is as hard or as easy as you made it out to be. You always find time. 

This semester, I started taking 100 level courses which meant that everything gets way harder that they were when I was a freshman. I am doing a double degree in both Actuarial Science and International Relations. Both demand so  much of my time and energy but I love doing both equally. So I stacked myself up with 15 credit hours. I also took a 15 hours per week job. I became the head of screenplay for this year's International Night. I was involved in projects in Enactus. I was also the secretary for Kelab UMNO Iowa. You stacked all of those together and you get a very tired me.

I am honestly not making excuses because I used to be stringent believer that people who make excuses are weak-willed. You can always find time. Don't sleep if you have to, don't eat if you have to. The only thing that mattered is your work.

My IR classes demanded so much reading and writing and my Act Sci classes are ridden with tests and homework every other week. I go to work at 8 am and I return home no sooner than 9 pm. There were days when I would only get home at 12 am. I cook for my housemates every Monday and Wednesday so on both of those days, I would have to be awake before 6 am. My weekends are also filled with meetings, practices and volunteer works. When I'm not at work, I'm at the library studying. I was tired but there was no warning signs until my arm gave up on me.

I used to think that the only tired part of me is my brain and no one can see that so it's not real. It's not real pain. But whenever I am worked up, my whole body started to ache. The worst that has been affected is my left arm, from being suspended for too long while I read and write and do things on my computer. It has been weeks since I could use my left arm properly. And the pain is constantly there but subsided when I rest quite enough. But finals have been over for a week now and my arm is no better. I don't know, I feel strangely solemn about this experience.

Somehow, I pulled through. I am now only put together by tapes and glue but it taught me an important thing: you can't have it all. There are things in this world that are not meant to be. I put my everything into everything that I do, But you don't get to do everything and still believe the universe will reciprocate. Something, somehow has got to give and instead of being mediocre and some of things I aspire to do, I was mediocre with myself. I did not take care of myself, and now I'm paying a hefty price for it. 

Next semester will be better I hope. 

I hope.

Goodnight you

I am so out of touch with writing and being creative.

But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.

As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.

Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?

When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.

Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.

Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.

But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.

Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.

 Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.

We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.

I am uncertain that we're worth it.

I am certain that I love you.

I am certain that you love me.

But I don't know if we're worth it. I don't know that when this pain disappears that I will ever look at you the same way again.

I don't know.

"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about" 

Why I'm a feminist

I don't have the privilege to ignore misogynists and their damaging perspectives. My fellow women are systematically oppressed by the same mentality. I have been a personal victim of such mentality although I realize that my experience in the grand scheme of things pale in comparison. If I don't do anything, I am a part of the problem.

I don't dream of tackling every reason why I am a feminist. I am a feminist for far too many reasons. But this particular tweet resonated to the deep seated disgust I feel for aurat crusaders in particular.
I am paraphrasing but:

"Kenapa nak marah lelaki tengok kalau pakai seluar ketat dan tank top? Pakai baju ketat apa niatnya?" 

There're so many ignorance in one statement, I can barely deal. If you click on the tweet and you dare read the comments below it, you would see how patriarchal our society is. Someone had the audacity to say

"Patut kau video tape je orang yang pakai macam ni. Baru diorang tau". 

If that does not make you lose all faith in men, I don't know what will.

Firstly, you should extend common decency to women on the basis of her being a human. It is common decency to know that it's rude to point and stare at people. Mak bapak tak ajar ke? How that person dress and how they look on the outside is irrelevant.  You dehumanize a woman when you tell her she has no right to get angry when she is treated because of the way she dresses.

How better are you than they guy I met at a truck stop in Chicago who called me a terrorist because of my Hijab? Both of you judge women by what she chose to wear so really you're no better. You are both scums of the earth and I pray that you would not reproduce.

You cling to the ability to disrespect women. Why? Do you believe it's your right to be an asshole? What kind of person fight so hard to disrespect other people? I would assume that you are a bad person if you are so passionate about hurting someone. You deny someone's lived experiences, and at the same time, vilify them because they dare to feel uncomfortable for being stared at. Again, what kind of a person are you?

Secondly, you argue about the intentions of women who dress that way. You argue that their intentions are clear: they want men's attention. So they had no rights to get mad when they are stared at. How high is the horse you're sitting at if you think that women only do things for you? What's the point of her getting mad at the impolite staring if that was the response she wanted? Who are you to tell someone who felt like she was violated by men who ogled at her that she was wrong? Are you God to know what's going on inside her? If you're not God why are you taking God's works, judging and punishing?

The analogy is simple: you uses the iPhone 6 and of course, you would use it in public. If the phone is thieved, would it be okay for people to assume that you wanted for your phone to get taken from you? Instead of blaming the thief, they are blaming you for using your phone in broad daylight. How would you like that?

Never mind the fact that a woman's journey of submission to her Creator is pure and scared. When I don the Hijab, I get reminded of modesty; I feel closer to my Creator because I am following His orders. I submit to Him and to Him only. I can't imagine covering up out of intimidation from the men around me who gets horny by the sight of my bare arms. Who would stick their necks out to defend their rights to ogle at me if I dare to wear any formfitting outfit. Who would do more to name and shame women who show their hair than to condemn the absolute monstrosity of domestic violence and rape culture.

Men who go on these crusades taint my fellow sisters' journey to submission. They reduce the absolute sanctity of Islam's call to cover up. They make it about themselves and their utter lack of self control.

 I pray that Allah will guide all these kinds of men. Until then, I will rid myself from these misogynists and hopefully do what I can to educate my future son and brothers so that at least, in my family line I can stop this misogynistic cycle.

Call me a feminazi if you'd like; because I have already formed my opinion about you and all the men who after reading my lengthy explanation, would still fight for their rights to be assholes.

Emotions

So I just watched a video on Buzzfeed titled "What makes men cry?". It basically revolved around the absolute stigma that men have to face surrounding crying or any display of emotions. Men are considered masculine so crying, in a way, would cripple that image.

I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.

I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am.  As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.

I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.

I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.

I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.

Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.

There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.

What I learned freshman year

Halo everyone!

My writing mojo seems to revisit me today lol idk why don't ask me. Anyway I am back in Malaysia woohoo. I don't know who I am telling that info to as everyone who would read this post would already know that I'm back in Malaysia but whatever.

Okay so my first year in Drake University has concluded. I am mostly neutral about it. In fact, it hasn't even hit me that my first year has ended until I started writing this blog post.

Being back with my family after 9 months of being apart is really something... special. I don't say that lightly because God knows emotions are my worst enemy. But I've been feeling really content ever since I came home which is really good. I am that point in my life where drama is non-existent and everything is smooth sailing.
Gosh. I am an adult now.

I found out I learned a lot being on my own, abroad, half a world away from home. And I guess I would like to commemorate those lessons. So I've learned that:

1. I made the absolutely best decision coming to Drake. Here, I discovered that learning is my true passion. It can be highly technical such as Calculus and it can be highly creative such as Philosophy, but not once do I feel burdened by what I have to learn or what I have to do. Assignments are relentless but when you enjoy doing them, it feels so liberating. Of course, sometimes there are bumps in the road-- mostly stemming from the fact that I want to produce the absolute best in my study career and sometimes I realize that my efforts are not enough. But in the end, passion prevails. I have passion for what I'm learning and what I do and goodness gracious, life just feels purposeful. Alhamdulillah.
2. going to Drake with my best friend is the absolute best decision ever. I don't know how else I would have fared without him. When I'm frustrated, I tend to bottle everything up inside. Usually. But with him, (although he is never a willing participant), I can just... be myself. I can be as frustrated as I want, I can be as psycho and paranoid as I want. He keeps me sane. More than that really, we are growing up together. Experiencing new things together. I just feel so lucky to always be able to count on someone and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.
3. snow isn't that great. Sure, it's pretty to look at but it gets in your $80 boots which claimed to be water-proof but is really a pair of disappointments made in China.
4.  I don't like being abroad that much. If I could get the same experience in Drake as I would get studying locally, I would move back in a blink of an eye.
5. flights are the bane of my existence. I detest long-haul flights.
6. I have softened a lot since moving away. It is really easy to find the good in people instead of focusing on the bad. It's easier for me to find the compassion to be understanding instead of being rigid in my ways. Of course, it is still really hard for me to become personal with people but I think I'm getting there? Lol I hope so.
7. being nice isn't the same as being a pushover. I am still struggling to draw the line but I think I am faring well.
8. being happy for people is really liberating. I used to get jealous of people. Now, it's really that easy to feel good for someone. To congratulate people for their achievements or to compliment someone for how they dress. It feels really positive and really warm inside to be able to do that and do that sincerely.
9. I can't live without my cat. I love it so much that I can't imagine ever parting with it. And I am afraid of my own attachment.
10. Forever 21's clothes are really low in quality but I still buy them anyway because they're cheap.
11. money will never be enough and I suck at saving them.
12. I am never entirely happy with myself but that's a good thing because that means there is room for improvements and I can never be complacent.

That was a long post. I guess there are some other things but nothing more comes to mind. 

I am an entirely different person from who I am 3 years ago. And good it feels so good to know that change is constant. I hope that I will continue to grow and to be able to be someone I am truly proud of.

Someday.

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog.
My pageview is between 0-1 day by day but that is expected. In the off chance that anyone does read this blog, I have made this: ask.fm/elsaasri

You can ask me questions and stuff.
I'm never fond of interactions but that account might be interesting.

I'm sure this post is pointless but what the hell eh

Doubts

I am in love with a very amazing guy. I am quite private about it. I could say it in writing but you'd never catch me saying that out loud in person. I mean we don't even utter those words to each other. We used to, when it was all new and exciting... but not anymore.

He is amazing.
Today, he walked almost 3 km to where I'm staying right now because I wanted chicken breasts to cook. It was freezing outside. The other day, he did the same thing because I needed painkillers for my headaches.

When he does all of that, I have no qualms in pledging myself to spend the rest of my life with him. In fact, I'm quite certain that's what I want. It would be wonderful.

I am not a passionate person. I am practical. I am compassionate to ideals and people who need help. But I am cold when it is required of me to make personal connections. That is my worst disadvantage.

Sometimes I find it disconcerting that he snagged me when I was the opposite. When I was young, wide-eyed and so ready to love. When personal relationships were my top priority instead of an inconvenience that I regard it now.

I was mushy and desperate for love, as many other teenagers are. In my desperate need for validation, I turn to him. It did not started out as an equal partnership. He was not always nice to me. I put him on a pedestal and it was not healthy.

But then we grew up. I did not reevaluate my choices. He's always in the sideline, a sure thing afterwards. I do not need any more drama that I was once so engulfed in. We both changed. The pushover girl was gone; I became reserved. Reserved with emotions, demeanours, words and expressions. In fact, I was so reserved that whenever we have a fight, the word he would most utter is "selfish".

Am I?
I don't know.

He changed too. From the cold-hearted guy who did not seem to care much about me, he cares too much. He walks too far from me. Spends too much money. And I don't think I ever reciprocated.
And yet, when the fight gets a little bit too heated and everything seems to tumble down, I would always be the one who would throw in the towel first. I would be the one who wants to run away. He would hold down the fort.

Truth is, I feel like I'm in the position of power. I once gave too much and receive too little and now that things have turned around, I don't know how to let the power go.

I love him. I see that he has changed. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. So why can't I give up that power? I feel bad for him. I know I love him, but if I won't walk 3 km to deliver chicken to him as he would do for me, what does that make me?

Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
I think I am lol.

I don't know.

That's what scares me the most. After a long fight, I would always pledge to change. To let him in. To not be so quick to make a run for it. And believe me I tried.

But there's always a lump in my throat when I would feel like making peace. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't. Fleeing seems like the much more attractive option. I am not a teenager anymore. Things are not spelled out in the form of childish dreams.

He is not my prince charming and I am not a damsel-in-distress. Dreaming of being taken away in a ball gown living happily ever after. Everything is much more real now. Moving forward, I might actually get married to this guy.

I am worried that I would not be able to figure this tangle out before the true demanding convictions of adulthood forces its presence onto both of us.
I really am.

I lost someone very dear to me yesterday.

I call her Mak Noli. She's my mum's best friend. And she's like an aunt to me.
After almost 2 years battling stage 4 lung cancer, she has gone back to the Almighty, Allah S.W.T.

I have no point to this post except to express how sad I am that I couldn't be there in Malaysia for her. I remember the last time I spoke to her. It was about a week before I leave home for the States. She was in the hospital and she hugged as I was about to leave. She told me to study, to give it my all for she doesn't know if she will still be here the next time I come home.

And indeed, that was the last time I would ever see her again. She is in a better place now. And I know that Allah has placed her among the righteous. The Mak Noli I know and will always remember deserves nothing less.

To her last breath, she was as strong as a pillar. I could see how her forehead would wrinkle in pain on one of her numbered days, but she still managed a smile when I waved her goodbye.
When my mum went to perform her hajj in 2009, she would visit us kids at home often. She would cook for us. She taught me how to make pai tee- a Chinese appetizer.

I am just rambling now.
I will miss her. No string of words will be able to express that. Nothing that I say will do her justice because she was an amazing person with a humongous heart.

Mak Noli, kakak harap Mak Noli tenang kat sana. Al-Fatihah.

How 2014 went for me

Almost a week into 2015, and now I decided to recap what happened lol. I'm just having a streak of writing mojo and thought why not capitalize on that.

So how did 2014 went? It was an important year. I don't say that liberally. Many years have gone by when I just thought went by like the wind. Swoosh... gone. But I am aware of every single occurrence of 2014. Mainly because 2014 is momentous for my education career. It does not even compare to SPM which until recently I thought would be the most important achievement for myself to date.

In January, I applied for a multitude of schools in the US. In February, I worked my behind off to get a CGPA of over 3.5 in INTEC. From Mid-Feb till March, I found out I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to. If I may say so myself, I only applied to safety schools lol. My main criterion for schools to apply to is not having more than 1 entrance essay. So 3 of the schools I applied to do not need essay at all. And 1 school needed 1 essay lol. Am I regretting the fact that I did not challenge myself and see if I could get into Ivy or UCLA or NYU? Idk lol. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could do better but other times, I just feel so perfectly content here in Drake that I feel sorry for people who care too much about rankings and stuff like that.

Drake is such a serene, stress-free place to be. Up till now, at least. Everything is cheaper here. And it's beautiful.

In April, nothing major happened but working my behind off for INTEC and it's crazy high CGPA demands. Assignments piled up. I was so exhausted. I remember it being the most exhausted I ever was. I argued with my boyfriend consistently because I wanted him to keep up a high CGPA too since we were to go off together.

In May, it was finals. I did the best I could and I moved on.

In June, we got our results back. I got a 3.81 GPA. A high improvement since my Fall 2013: 3.46. It basically meant I did not get any Bs for any of my subjects that semester. Honestly, I felt grateful that the long exhaustive nights was not for naught. But I guess, it really meant little to anyone (expect to my parents). Did not spend too long revering in what seemed like a moot achievement because well, it did not seem like much.

In July, it was puasa and I got busy with my visa and preparation to fly off.

In August, I flew on a 33 hours journey with 8 hours transit in Beijing. It was not easy saying goodbye to my cat, of course. I managed without shedding any tears lol. Arrived in Des Moines, not really knowing what to expect.

In September, I started classes and realised that INTEC was just ripping everyone off at college is not that difficult if you do your work.

In October, I turned 19. My celebration consisted of a few Happy Birthday wishes from my mum, dad and sister on Whatsapp lol. I got a Kate Spade watch from my handsome and thoughtful boyfriend and that was that.

In November, Thanskgiving happened and I travelled to the Darlings and received a much needed epiphany. It was such a great trip. But in total I spent over 500 dollars to shop. Which is really not my proudest moment. I got an iPhone 6. Yep, November was not a great month for my bank account.

I had Finals in December. And got my results back.

I guess it was good enough. I went travelling to the East Coast and realised my life-long dream of watching les mis on Broadway, it was such a great night I still can't believe it. I flew back here to Iowa on 1/1/2014 lol. How apt.

2014 was a splendid year. I am void of any real human emotions but I do feel like 2014 was a turning point for me. I don't know.

I wrote 2 blog posts in the span of 2 hours. Lol what happened to me.

Anyway, yeah I published my results here. I don't know if the disclaimer that I'm not trying to brag is needed. Honestly, I don't really care if people think I'm bragging. This blog is read by like 2 people lol. And the people who read this would know that I'm not bragging but yeah. I'm just kind sick of the vague thing that people do on blogs. I'm telling ya straight up because well, I feel like it.

Byee

Bring him homeee

A few days ago I had an interesting convo with my boyfriend. I asked him if he would like a quiet, meek wife or he would like an outspoken no-nonsense feminist. Basically asking what his type of ideal woman is.

He refused to answer me but knowing him, I would say that he leans more toward the meek wife who says yes to his every whim and desires. Because let's face it, that type of girls is every Malay man ideal woman. I mean, I may be over-generalizing but yeah, I do believe if given the choice, my boyfriend would much rather go with that meek, weak damsel-in-distress. He brought up the fact that I used to be that girl long ago and he missed that side of me.

Yeah, well I was. Lol.
In my teenage years, I was an insecure chubby girl who wanted so badly validation from the opposite sex. And guess what? Dumbing yourself down, acting like a damsel in distress brings you loads of attention from the male species. However, I quickly realised that I don't want the excessive attention and became a "stringer" because I did not want to confront them about my real feelings e.g. not wanting to video chat with them over Skype. Of course after a few weeks of unreplied texts and strings of dumb excuses they dropped me like hot potato. Lol.

Ahh where did the years go. I grew up, threw away the meek girl facade and basically led my life because I didn't think that any guy is interesting enough. This is largely attributed to the fact that I could not hold a conversation with any kind of human species with the exception of my family and my few numbers of friends. I got lazy to reply empty meaningless text messages. And I could not justify going online to chat on Skype every night when I could cry over my tv shows.

My boyfriend wiggled his way back into my life and here we are. I guess having a boyfriend is terrific in the sense that you don't care anymore about what other guys think of you. I could look haggard, my tudung could be slanted 45 degrees and it would not bother me. Heck, my boyfriend even told me my feet stink once and I went meh. I just I couldn't be bothered anymore.

I completely removed any hanky panky ooo this guy looked at me what does it mean. Or ooo he is so handsome I want him. It's just completely gone. Any attraction to the opposite sex is idle. I would acknowledge that he is good looking but have no desire to be noticed by that person.

I guess I never realised it until I started thinking about it now haha. I'd like to think that the only reason I'm this way is because I've aged but nah. Lol. Many people my age single or not still excessively talk about this. At least from what I can gathered from the few gatherings I had with what few people who invited me.

Funny how during the few short years in my mid-teen I completely did a 180 degree and just stopped wanting to conform. I'm entering the 20s this year. Can you imagine. 2 decades of breathing. I feel so old goodness.

I am no longer a teen. lol.

Hopefully it's not downhill from here.