New Year

Well, I have one hour until it's the end of first January. I like to self reflect at the end of the year, just to see how far I've come and what I have going on for me.

I guess, professionally, I gained some new experiences. Led Malaysian Night, participated in Model Arab League, traveled to Boston and Orlando, ventured out of my comfort zone a little bit, had my first ever professional experience in a corporate setting.

I consistently feel underwhelmed by my achievements though. Maybe I wanted to do more. But I am in a good place, nevertheless. Pretty content, albeit a little bit stagnant.

I guess 2016 had been more geared towards developing personal relationships and regulating emotions. I am more ready to commit to long term relationships now. I have also felt stinging defeat and rejection, professionally and personally for perhaps the first time ever since I've been alive. I know it's kind of crazy to say that, but it's true.

All my life, I've had instant gratification although in my teen years I remember a lot of angst (but I was a teenager, that might have just been hormones). I was the top of my class through my primary school years. Going into secondary school, I ceased to care about my studies as much but always do well in things that I do want to do well in. I don't work as hard towards my academic in high school because I saw it as pointless and my results reflected that so I did not mind as much. But I got what I wanted for SPM and then a scholarship to the US. I am the first among my cousins and sibling to have studied abroad and am hailed as the "gifted" in my family and extended family. I know I am mediocre at best but when told your whole life that you're a special snowflake, you tend to fall for it haha. And it wasn't empty too. In many ways, I could see I was at least kind of special. Despite minimal efforts, I am always placed in the first class at my high school. Despite studying for only 3 months and sleeping consistently in classes, I managed to get straight As. It's been gratification after gratification.

But I resolved to be exceptional in university. I have been working really hard academically- more than I have ever worked my entire life. I took on different projects to polish my flat resume. And a lot of times, I have faced rejection too. Getting a B for a course I stayed up nights for. Getting only 1 interview from the countless internships that I have applied for. That's just some of it. And it stung. It brought me back to reality.

It stung so bad, I was on the verge of collapsing many times. But I also realized that I am strong enough to persevere. Giving up was never in my vocabulary even when I thought I could not go on any longer. Whenever I get knock down, I cry a lot. I remember being a leaked pipe, unable to stop myself from tearing up at public spaces that I have to hide behind my study table to tell myself to pull it together. I've felt the lowest of low, but I came back swinging. I count my blessings and I talk about my experiences literally to anyone who would listen. And then I take on new challenges like travelling to Boston with a group of people I barely knew to debate about Middle Eastern politics. Who would've thought that I would ever do that??? I certainly didn't.

My personal relationship took a hit too. Someone who I thought was a sure thing before hurt me in ways I never thought possible. But instead of holding a vengeance, I reflected too. And I realized that nothing happened in a vacuum. And although this might sound Stockholm-ish, I have my share of blame in how the situation deteriorated. Once I've realized that, it became easier to fix things instead of throwing away what's broken. And we came back stronger too. I became happier and commitment became less scary.

I guess, I could look back at 2016 and say that it's a shitty year. It's tumultuous, unstable and extreme. I lost my grandmother whom I was very close to. But I would be lying. 2016 had to happen so that I could be where I am right now. Idk if 2017 will be as mind boggling but I finally feel like I am growing up and am journeying on a new phase in my adulthood. Hopefully this trend will continue. And if there are more hardships to endure? I don't mind a bit because I always seem stronger by the end of it.