Eating clean and exercising

Who am I?!?!

I'd never thought I would do a post where I'm talking about living the healthy lifestyle. I guess one of the perks of getting older is confronting the fact that many of the things you thought matter when you're younger... just don't. 

I've never been naturally blessed with high metabolism. But I was skinny as a kid. Once I hit puberty, it went downhill from there. I've been a chubby girl since then. And I would have never admitted that if you asked about it 2 years ago. Body image is just something I steer clear from. I don't respond well when people talk about my body. Growing up in the culture that I'm used to, it gets pretty uncomfortable. Especially when a male relative comments on how much I've lost weight or gained weight. It's just that in my head space, something unacceptable. I feel like I'm being reduced to the numbers on my scale.

But I would be lying if I say it didn't affect me and how I perceive myself. At 9 years old, I was obsessing with how fat I've gotten. And I was still a child. I don't eat obscenely large amount of food, even now. And I can say that sincerely because my relatives would point out: "you don't each much, but you're so fat". Of course that affects me. When I was younger, I was hailed as being the "prettiest" of the bunch because I have really fair skin and hazel eyes and my face is round and my nose is pointier than most of my cousins or siblings'. And as I was growing up and put on extra weight, relatives would look at me and ask "what happened?" It stings. It still does. 

So I would go up and down in size. Ever since I was a child. Entering high school, once again I'm being confronted with my own body image. This time, to compete for the attention of the male species. I was 15 and single. I've never had a boyfriend. Never even talked to a boy because I was in an all-girls school. Meanwhile, my friends around me are being noticed by boys, except for me. And the only way I knew how to be better and prettier and worthier is by crash dieting. I remember during the end-year school break and a long stretch of time where I would literally lie in bed and not eat a thing for the whole day. And that would go on for days until my mum would notice how I'm not eating at all and force me to eat. I lost a lot of weight. And I was noticed by the male species. And I was "pretty" again. 

But I never knew what healthy is. When someone comments about my weight, they don't do it to get me to live a happy lifestyle. How do I know this? Because they were raving at how good I look when I'm literally starving myself. I lost a lot of hair because I just wasn't not eating or having my required vitamins. I would lock myself up because I just can't look at myself in the mirror long enough to get ready. I was scared of how I look or what food can do to me. That unhealthy relationship was soothed with the first "you look so thin" or "wow, you're so pretty" or "you're so slim, how did you do it?". Little by little, I started to like myself again because everyone seems to like me. 

And as I grow up, I realized that there are way more important thing that can consume my life. Such as where I'm furthering my studies. Or whether I'm moving 9000 miles away from home. And my body image falls to the back of my mind and became a mild annoyance unlike what it was before. I eventually gained back all the weight I've lost when I'm at heaviest. 

I would be lying if I say I'm happy about it or that I don't care. Because I do care. But it takes so much effort to care that I've taught myself how to be secure. How to like my body the way that it is. And I can still hear the snarky comments from my male classmates when they look at my older picture; "wow, you're so skinny back then. What happened?!" or "What did you do at home? Did you eat a lot? You seem heavier". And it stings just as bad as it stung before. But I don't internalize them anymore.

 I do not let those little snarky comments wound my self esteem. Because I know that my body or the way that I look means little compared to how people say my eyes sparkle when I smile. Or how I know all of these things that I could not have known in high school. Or even how these guys who would be quick to say that I'm fat would come to me to ask about their homework because I'm literally the only one who has the answer. My body was never a factor when I applied for internships this summer and managed to secure 3 offers from coveted audit firms and a research institute before March. I am more than what I look. And for what it's worth though, I actually like the way I look. 

Which is why I have managed to come to this point in my life where I'm concerned about being healthy. I'm concerned about exercising and I'm not doing it to see the numbers on the scale go down. I'm doing it so that I can sit upright for a long time without hurting my lower back. Or so that I can dangle my arm and not get tendonitis. I want to be strong so that I don't need my boyfriend to carry my groceries for me. None of those reasons include wanting to look good for the guys in my life. In fact, I wish they would shut up about my body because it has nothing to do with them.

So yeah, I'm still struggling. I like to eat rice. A lot of rice. And I like sweet tea and coffee. I'm recording this so that I will hold myself accountable. I will exercise and eat right so that I'm not bloated by the end of the day. So that I will not get hypertension by the time I'm 30. 

I am determined because I know it will be a long road ahead. I know that nothing will change overnight. But I know that my the end of the year, I will feel so much better. 

Beauty and the Beast Hulla ballooo

The social media outburst against Disney's decisions to postpone indefinitely Beauty and the Beast's screenings in Malaysia was unfortunate and unwarranted. I am not here to argue the mechanics behind this decision: why, Disney did what it did, but rather what leads to the controversy in the first place.

I would argue that LPF's insistence that it will only allow the movie to screened without the scene depicting homosexuality really points to the larger issue of how homosexuality is viewed within the context of the Malaysian society. I don't want to argue one way or the other because I don't think my views on homosexuality are relevant in the larger scheme of things. However, I do want to point out the kind of inconsistencies and double standards that Malaysian institutions (LPF, religious bodies) and some citizenry have against specific issues.

Within the context of the Malaysian society, the normalization of LGBT communities are seen as sinful and unacceptable. This is not a secret. However, I do want to point out that rape, murder, backbiting, and adultery are all seen as sinful and unacceptable too. In fact, I would argue that rape, murder, backbiting and adultery are worse than being gay. There should not even be a comparison. But under artistic license, we are okay with the depictions of these sins. Some of them are not even being depicted in a negative light. Ombak Rindu comes to mind with its backwards interpretation of what rape is. For goodness sake, the female protagonist married her rapist to "halalkan" their sexual relations.

So who decides that being gay is more messed up than a Stockholm syndrome developed by a girl which led her to beg her rapist to marry her? Who decides that Harry Potter which tries to normalize witchcraft (sihir) is acceptable and being gay is not? Gay people exist, but I know a number of friends who have pre-marital sex. Both are vilified within the context of society, but only one invites the kind of frenzy and controversy we see surrounding the Beauty and the Beast. Also, Belle is in love with a beast, which is literally bestiality. And I have yet to hear any arguments against normalizing relations with animals...

I take issue with the kind of arbitrary nonsense that people are basing their values on. The quick answer is that homosexuality is treated differently in Malaysia because we have enough people at the top with support of religious bodies normalizing and vilifying this issue. The same kind of attention and energy somehow had not been directed to condemn real, systemic issues such as domestic abuse or even rape. Not many recoil at the thought that a movie is arguing marrying her rapist as her path to happily ever after. I for one think that it's absurd but I don't argue that we should ban Ombak Rindu. I accept that not everyone thinks the way that I do.

Here's what it comes down to: if we want to apply moral concept to everything in our society, we have to be unequivocal in our application. We have to be clear of the specific moral concepts that works for everyone in this nation. If not, the inconsistencies are glaring and we are perpetuating arbitrary codes of conduct that can easily be used to abuse minorities and people who don't agree with us.

There also comes another big problem. How do we regulate moral codes? How can we decide what is acceptable and what is not? Who are we to decide? I don't have the answer to that, and I suspect no one does. We can go down the path of Saudi Arabia where everyone has to abide to one specific code but I don't see the country as being exemplary by any know standards. And even their code is ridden with unavoidable inconsistencies that stem from human errors or just prejudice.

I would argue then that we should reject the kind of outdated traditionalist approach to society. If we can't objectify something, who decides the rules? Why are we so open to a system where a few people or segments of society have a say in what is acceptable?

I radical rethinking is needed to how we conduct ourselves. Now I'm not a self-important snob, so I will end by saying that this is my opinion and it's not popular. It's not unpopular too- they're just my conjectures.

Strength

I reject the notion that travelling is good for you  me.

Notice how I struck "you" and replaced it with "me"? Because it's not good for me. It causes me heart palpitations, back aches, sleep deprivation and chronic home sickness.

Now don't get me wrong, I do travel sometimes. I do enjoy looking at different places, getting my picture taken at world famous monuments but... it's a constant struggle. A struggle that as I am now well into my spring break (my last one, mind you) don't really associated with relaxation and refueling my energy for the rest of the school year.

I attribute it to my inability to chill out. I need to plan everything to the T. I have taken many personality tests and all of them told me what I already know: I have the lowest tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty. I will literally have heart palpitations if I'm thrown off my well-crafted plans. And being in a strange place, not knowing anyone there is the most ambiguous situation I can think of. I literally need to have an hour by hour itinerary of the places I will visit and then research how to get there. It takes me hours just to plan a 3 day trip. So no, although flying off to Europe might seem like a good idea at a whim, it causes me too many anxieties to ever think that it's worth it.

Not to mention that airports are literally the worst place to be. The American airports I mean. Going through security and immigration would never be tolerable for a hijab wearing gal such as myself.

I don't know the point of this post. I just know that I need to get over it. I don't ever feel like I'm losing out by not travelling. I honestly think that I've seen the world enough. I've been to 3 continents. More than 15 states in the US. I've been to the East Coast 3 times. Southeast once. Western and Central Europe once. And the Middle East loads of time. I don't know. I just don't feel excited or relaxed at the idea of travelling. I'd much rather watch a movie or a theater production.

I have a few days until school restarts. I will spend that time reading blogs, writing in my diary and doing Pop Pilates on YouTube lol.

P.S. I started the beginner's calendar 3 days ago. My muscles literally felt like they have been torn apart. I have yet to proceed to Day 2 because of the excruciating pain on my abdomen. I have no core strength that it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.