I'd never thought I would do a post where I'm talking about living the healthy lifestyle. I guess one of the perks of getting older is confronting the fact that many of the things you thought matter when you're younger... just don't.
I've never been naturally blessed with high metabolism. But I was skinny as a kid. Once I hit puberty, it went downhill from there. I've been a chubby girl since then. And I would have never admitted that if you asked about it 2 years ago. Body image is just something I steer clear from. I don't respond well when people talk about my body. Growing up in the culture that I'm used to, it gets pretty uncomfortable. Especially when a male relative comments on how much I've lost weight or gained weight. It's just that in my head space, something unacceptable. I feel like I'm being reduced to the numbers on my scale.
But I would be lying if I say it didn't affect me and how I perceive myself. At 9 years old, I was obsessing with how fat I've gotten. And I was still a child. I don't eat obscenely large amount of food, even now. And I can say that sincerely because my relatives would point out: "you don't each much, but you're so fat". Of course that affects me. When I was younger, I was hailed as being the "prettiest" of the bunch because I have really fair skin and hazel eyes and my face is round and my nose is pointier than most of my cousins or siblings'. And as I was growing up and put on extra weight, relatives would look at me and ask "what happened?" It stings. It still does.
So I would go up and down in size. Ever since I was a child. Entering high school, once again I'm being confronted with my own body image. This time, to compete for the attention of the male species. I was 15 and single. I've never had a boyfriend. Never even talked to a boy because I was in an all-girls school. Meanwhile, my friends around me are being noticed by boys, except for me. And the only way I knew how to be better and prettier and worthier is by crash dieting. I remember during the end-year school break and a long stretch of time where I would literally lie in bed and not eat a thing for the whole day. And that would go on for days until my mum would notice how I'm not eating at all and force me to eat. I lost a lot of weight. And I was noticed by the male species. And I was "pretty" again.
But I never knew what healthy is. When someone comments about my weight, they don't do it to get me to live a happy lifestyle. How do I know this? Because they were raving at how good I look when I'm literally starving myself. I lost a lot of hair because I just wasn't not eating or having my required vitamins. I would lock myself up because I just can't look at myself in the mirror long enough to get ready. I was scared of how I look or what food can do to me. That unhealthy relationship was soothed with the first "you look so thin" or "wow, you're so pretty" or "you're so slim, how did you do it?". Little by little, I started to like myself again because everyone seems to like me.
And as I grow up, I realized that there are way more important thing that can consume my life. Such as where I'm furthering my studies. Or whether I'm moving 9000 miles away from home. And my body image falls to the back of my mind and became a mild annoyance unlike what it was before. I eventually gained back all the weight I've lost when I'm at heaviest.
I would be lying if I say I'm happy about it or that I don't care. Because I do care. But it takes so much effort to care that I've taught myself how to be secure. How to like my body the way that it is. And I can still hear the snarky comments from my male classmates when they look at my older picture; "wow, you're so skinny back then. What happened?!" or "What did you do at home? Did you eat a lot? You seem heavier". And it stings just as bad as it stung before. But I don't internalize them anymore.
I do not let those little snarky comments wound my self esteem. Because I know that my body or the way that I look means little compared to how people say my eyes sparkle when I smile. Or how I know all of these things that I could not have known in high school. Or even how these guys who would be quick to say that I'm fat would come to me to ask about their homework because I'm literally the only one who has the answer. My body was never a factor when I applied for internships this summer and managed to secure 3 offers from coveted audit firms and a research institute before March. I am more than what I look. And for what it's worth though, I actually like the way I look.
Which is why I have managed to come to this point in my life where I'm concerned about being healthy. I'm concerned about exercising and I'm not doing it to see the numbers on the scale go down. I'm doing it so that I can sit upright for a long time without hurting my lower back. Or so that I can dangle my arm and not get tendonitis. I want to be strong so that I don't need my boyfriend to carry my groceries for me. None of those reasons include wanting to look good for the guys in my life. In fact, I wish they would shut up about my body because it has nothing to do with them.
So yeah, I'm still struggling. I like to eat rice. A lot of rice. And I like sweet tea and coffee. I'm recording this so that I will hold myself accountable. I will exercise and eat right so that I'm not bloated by the end of the day. So that I will not get hypertension by the time I'm 30.
I am determined because I know it will be a long road ahead. I know that nothing will change overnight. But I know that my the end of the year, I will feel so much better.
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