I took the path less traveled on

When I look in front of me, instead of seeing a big empty void, I see instead a vast meadow filled with tall trees and blooming flowers.

But then again there's still a probability of that vast meadow to catch on fire, burn and pollute the entire country with haze.

I guess amidst the frisson and frenzy, I can still remain objective and weigh the possibilities of things going wrong. But for once though, it's not worrying me. I feel confident that if things do go wrong, I'll be able to cope with them.

I'm not a naive teenager desperate for love and affection anymore.

The fault is in ourselves, that we are underlings

You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

- Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars)

Eureka!
I finally got it. The anguish a midst the person you love is not anguish.
It's a choice.

A choice driven by that wretched chemical defect inaccurately named 'love'.
There's not really a question whether it's worth it. The person you experience love for is always worth it. It's when you stop loving that it becomes worthless.

It's my sadistic wish that someone would choose to be hurt by me.
But then again, if there's anyone bold enough to make that choice, I would do everything in my power to not hurt them.

Whether they will return the favour though is not something that I would hope for.
Hope is an affliction. And there's too many of that in my life.

Delusions

It's dangerous to diverge from reality.

Happiness is one of the soft diversions from reality I depend on. But happiness isn't really meant to last. It's always so temporary.
Happiness (to me, of course) is the high or the rush you feel from experiencing good things in your life.

I guess you can be content for a long period of time but never always happy.
Remember how I said we can never be affected by other people? Nothing they ever do is for the benefit of you. It's always because they have something to gain that they're nice to you.

By 'something to gain' I don't mean only superficial things like money and stuff.
A simple scenario - two people fall in love with each other. They cite things like 'I would die for you' and they spend so much money on each other; on phone bills especially.
And the girl will somehow think that this guy is doing all of these for her. He's willing to sacrifice his time and money for her. He's willing to die for her even and vice versa of course (but I'm using the girl as an example).

Is it not sacrifice though if he's doing that for his own benefit. He's willing to spend that time and money because he likes her, he feels happy talking to her. It's not directly to make her feel happy. It's in his act to be happy himself that he's indirectly making the girl happy as well. And then at some point when the sparks die down, what do you think will happen?
He'd leave.
If he stays when she doesn't make him happy anymore, the whole relationship will turn into a lie.

Do you get my drift?

It's never because of someone else that people do what they do. It's always because they gain something from it that they're nice to us.

I assumed all of this, I admit. Some people may not agree because they don't encounter the same things.
Or maybe I'm turning into a cynical person.
Although, if it makes me happy, why not right?

Only the sweetest words remain

I guess in an alternate universe where everything is easy- people can choose to not get hurt. It sounds like a simple concept to grasp. You're only responsible for your own happiness. I don't think anyone else should be held accountable for somebody else's state of mind.

The play; An Inspector Calls that I'm studying for Literature in English explored this subject. But it came to a different conclusion (or interpretation) altogether- people are in fact responsible for other people's behaviour. For instance, a person can drive another person into suicide and they will face stigma from the society for their actions. But in reality, if that person who committed suicide have enough self control to not do it in the first place; the whole situation could be avoided.
But of course she is free to commit suicide if she feels like it. (I think some people would take this the wrong way).

In retrospect, I disagree with society. Life is made up of choices. Illegal things aside of course (because it's always wrong to do something illegal), I think no one should have to comply to other people's needs. If they feel like it, they should do it. And the receiving party should choose to not be affected by this. Of course if the things they like to do interfere with your rights or can harm you in any way; this does not apply.

But it's not that simple.
Because there is such thing as moral grounds. There are things that are acceptable to society, there are things that aren't.

Ok. Imagine it like this; someone made a racial slur. Sure, this is morally wrong. But offensive statement is only offensive if people are offended by it. Imagine if everyone ignores him and not get affected by his remarks; what would happen?
Nothing bad right?

I think indifference would be a much better way to deal with ignorant people in this world. By being ignorant towards their ignorance, we can deprive them from the effect they had surely wished to inspire; hatred or pain or whatever.

I could be looking at this thing totally wrong. But I've been having this revelation for quite some time now. And when I think about this, my whole life gets a tad easier to cope with. People are people and they would find ways to hurt you- intentionally or otherwise if you let them.

Quoting Eleanor Roosevelt- no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I for one, interpret this quote as to not let anyone get to you no matter how hurtful their behaviours are. Because in the end, it would do you no good.

Life's too short to worry about someone who hurts you, right?

Turning page

They say, if a certain someone crosses your mind, you'd want to be in contact with them. This will then lead to a text, or a phone call or a nudge on MSN (lol who am I kidding no one uses MSN anymore). It's completely normal, I guess.

But what do you do, if that person does not in fact just, cross your mind? They occupy your mind 24/7 like.. parasites. Yeah.

Do you text them 24/7 then?
Well from here it might sound completely absurd- to be in contact with the same person all day, every day. And I agree it probably is. To me, it's almost humanly impossible even.
But of course, time after time it's proven that my knowledge about the mass' social interaction among each other is basically non-existent.
Because there are people who does this. They are in contact with the person they want to be in contact with 24/7. Of course this will effect their bills and their everyday behaviour but the point here is - it is possible.

I'm losing my point.
I guess the idea of being in contact with the one you like is pretty inspiring. I don't blame people for wanting that. However, what is the leverage to ensure that the conversation does not go stale?
So here's the dilemma of which I'm speaking of right now - what do you do if you like someone enough to want to talk to them all the time but at the same time, after a while, you know you won't be able to engage each other's attention anymore?

And the conversation will turn awkward and then you're forced to accept the inevitable goodbyes. So you say goodbye just to anticipate the next time you'll be in contact again.
Where's the logic in that?

How do one live with that much suspense in their lives?
I guess you could say it will come naturally- the flair to avoid awkward convos with your crush. But that's not the case for me (yes, I am my favourite subject).

Or maybe my crush is being overplayed in my mind and I don't even like him that much.
Which is why, our conversation always go stale.

Hmm.
This is something to ponder upon.
I don't know, I have a feeling that I'd just give up on ~love life~ and be happy with my future cats.
Future filled with cats sounds pretty happy, honestly. I don't know why in the west they consider it pathetic.

Dead

Cause I've been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burden
We shouldn't have to bear alone
So goodnight you
And goodnight moon.


I never really understood this song.
How do I explain the racing heartbeat then? Or the weird goosebumps?
I really thought I'm past all these. I'm a grown independent woman, entering adulthood. No, scratch that, not entering- diving, nose-first without any headgear to protect me from the harsh ground of that aforementioned adulthood.

!!!!!!11!1!11!1!!!!1!!!1!!11
Just, for once, I wish that the unspoken is a mere false impression. I hope that my mind is playing tricks on me and this is not happening again.
I hope.
I don't know what I want. I can't be this confused throughout almost a quarter of my adolescence. I refuse to be. BUT THE STATE OF MIND IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I CAN CONTROL.
Weirdly misleading gestures shouldn't be legal in this country.
Oh goodness gracious.

She had the world

I find it rather.. intriguing that I'm so fascinated by psychopathic serial killers.
It's their psychological state you know. The fact that they're smart enough to know that what they're doing is wrong, they're smart enough to avoid the authority and prevent themselves from getting caught. However, at the same time, they're not that smart as to not commit those killings in the first place.

And they do it for fun too.
Because they feel like it.

Having no conscience, no remorse. That would provide them with such a care-free life.

Oh no. I don't want to be like them. Because I do have conscience and my Ad-Din has set guidelines to my life and I intend on following them.
But they're just so fascinating.
Well besides the usual stuffs; inhuman, cruel.

But of course this fascination of mine is everything but new. TV Shows play such important role in my life to the point of patheticness.
BUT no. I refuse to judge myself. If I want to be pathetic, I will be pathetic.

And this post would be another incoherent ramble by yours truly.

It just strikes me how.. poor I do in creative writing. I'm just not creative you know. But I love that subject. I just don't have any flare in it. My story would be filled by big words I googled without any real depth to it. I want to write pieces that touch people. That would make people stop and think.
Alas, things that I'm passionate to write about are the things that the mass find hard to relate to.
Things like well, serial killers.

And you can't be all touchy feely when you write about serial killers can you? Well even if you can, I don't want to. I want to inspire fear. But I can never get afraid by my own stories.
And that is caused by under-imaginative behaviour. I can't imagine those stuffs that I write so how can I expect anyone else to understand them.

I'm facing a lot of dilemmas as of right now. Admittedly, they're not very significant dilemmas. But they're dilemmas nonetheless.

Well, rant over.