Life sucks.
And then you die.

Ugly

It dawned upon me that I'm taking SPM just now. It wasn't a half-assed epiphany about how it will come and I will be ready when it does. It's actually the time to get ready for it.

I'm. such a lazy brat it's so. disheartening at times.

..It's not like I don't try to fight off my laziness. It's a constant battle, believe me. But it's so.. difficult. It plagues me down and bring me down, keeps me down. And I don't know how I will defeat this own obstacle of mine.

I feel content in my laziness, that is the problem. I see nothing wrong with. Well except for the fact that SPM is nearing and I'm exactly 5% ready to face it.

2 years of syllabus to be studied in less than 4 months. Haha I screwed myself real bad this time. And still, here I am blogging away on a weeknight.

I don't learn.

It's so frustrating being me.

ITS LIKE WE'RE TWO SEPERATE IDENTITIES. AND THE LAZINESS IS ALWAYS THE DOMINANT ONE.

How. Do. I. GET Rid of this. AJHRKJHRKHKJAHDJKhak

ARH.

Whenever I feel that familiar tightness in my chest- a telltale sign that I'm about to cry, I'd try to tell myself to hold it in.
But then again, what's the point?

To be vulnerable is my nature. So what's the use of pretending. More often than not, I just let the tears flow.

I guess there's no point to this post, except for the fact that I'm sad.
I think it's alright to be sad though. People get sad at times. And it's been a while since I feel sad.

I hate it when people swoop into my life under the pretense that they care and then at the most crucial moment, it turns out that they don't really care at all.
I guess I don't blame them. I blame myself for yet again, getting affected by words. I should've known better.

I just want to go home.

Happiness is a violent roar

Often, when asked what people want out of life, they'd say that they'd want to be happy.
We're so used to the idea that being happy is vital.

And it is vital to a certain extent. But being happy is not the default state of us, humans. We despise being sad. So much so that when we're sad, we rush and do whatever we think is possible to be happy again.

Happiness is a reward. It's nice being happy.

But being happy all the time would mean being unprepared for the harsh reality of the world.
The idea of happiness to me, is not synchronized at all with the fact that we are so vulnerable. The world, by default is a mean place. The only thing that you're in control of is yourself and your own actions. How everyone else act around you is entirely up the them. And for the most part, that's why there're so many sad beings in this world.

The thing that we should strive for in this world is not happiness per se, it's knowing how to go on even when you're sad. We should not think that happiness should be our constant state of existence.
And I think when you're not scared of being sad, that's when you'll be whole.

My dream is to achieve wholeness.
I realise that no matter how you guard yourself, there's no way around it. You can't run from pain and anguish. But you can find ways not to fall flat on your face when you're faced with these tribulations.

And I think that's far more important that being happy.