no.

Every now and then, I think of all the time we were together

I actually cringe in embarrassment to be reading the posts in my blog from last year.
Was I really that.. unhappy?

I guess I was. Strange though, the things I easily forget.
Sigh I guess it's there as a reminder for me- as a reminder that things never were always fine and dandy. I got sad a lot. More times than I was happy.

And I wonder why.
If I was that unhappy, why didn't I just leave..
Why did I stay so long just to get hurt over and over again.

Lol one thing for sure though, I will never be that stupid again.

I'll wait

It's 3.46 am on a Friday morning and I can't sleep.
I wonder why..

So anyway, because of my sudden ~insomnia~ I decided to read my old blog posts. I have 3 blogs in total. 2 of which are private. Huhu. I love my private blogs, they make me feel like I know something that other people don't know. Eventhough that '''something''' is myself lol. I'm so pathetic ;____;

Well I've come the conclusion that I've since traveled a long way from.. then. LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT I'M STILL THE SAME ;___;

Sigh.
But I've read my posts when I was 13. One word to that; ew. HAHA I sounded so disgustingly narcissistic. One thing I noticed though- I was such a loner back then. I can't even remember my friends when I was 13. 13 sounds so grown up-ish when I was 13 but now I realized that I was just a baby back then.

Is this how life is going to be like from now on? T__T
Realizing how childish you are even as a teenager?!?! The thing is, I always viewed myself as a sophisticated young person who can't sound childish even if they try. But childishness is the essence of my being for the last.... 17 years.

UGH.
I bet I'll look back to this post 3 years later and go 'Who childishly writes about being childish. So childish'. EEE.

Lol so anyway, I've been typing the word childish so much it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.
Alright then, will try to catch some sleep.
Peace out.

Tonight

Tonight, I will wail to my heart's desire.

I will let out all the feelings I've bottled up inside. All the red face moments I had to bear through at school.
I will feel pathetic. I will feel defeated. I will feel alone.

I will let all the bad feelings consume me.

But tomorrow, I will wake up and I will forget all about it.

I will hold my head up high, collect my own mess and carry on.

Sudahlah Elsa.

La Tahzan.

DORAAAEEEMOOON

There's a lot of hate going around in this world.
I will not exclude myself from it. Because hating stuffs are proven to be so magnificently satisfying for the soul. And so today, I will write about my pet peeves.

1) Being woken up by someone.
I don't care who it is. Whether it's my hypothetical  ~boyfriend~ trying to be sweet and ~caring~ by calling or texting me to wake me up, or it's my mum who wakes me up because she thinks I will oversleep. I wake myself up that's the rule. I'm such a light sleeper that a slight sound can wake me from my slumber. To me personally, it's the single most annoying thing in the whole wide word. I always set up alarm clocks to wake me up. I set an average of 4 to 6 alarms a day. I don't trust the snooze button. So I set the alarms 1 minute apart. And I always put the alarm next to my ears and the volume is always at the highest. When someone ruins the functions of my alarms by waking me up before they ring, I will get pretty upset because I've taken all the precautionary steps imagine and my efforts were in vain.
So yeah, I hate being woken up by a human being.

2) Being told to do unnecessary things.
The classic example of this is the school rules of course. Every day we have to go through the gate and we will be asked for our nails and socks. Once a week having to comply to this; I get it. But once a day.. Do they honestly think that our nails will grow disgustingly long overnight.. ... I dunno. It's illogical and it's a waste of time and it annoys the hell out of me.
 I'm not a rule breaker; simply because to break rules, you have to put some effort into it. But I don't like self righteous prefects who judge you like you're the biggest criminal in the world for not having sesi tags on your tudung. I get it, it's their job to check but is it really necessary for their tone of voices to be so condescending? It's sesi tag. Not.. drugs. It irks to me to the core.

3) My iTouch and its lame batter power
Stupid device can only last 5 to 6 hours with active usage. Its function is to be played with. That's the reason there are so many applications in there. But I found out that I cannot do this because of its limited battery power.
Joy.
So when I'm stuck in a 8 hour-long road trip and my only source of entertainment is my iTouch, I can't do anything but listen to music on it. SO BASICALLY I PAID ALMOST TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF AN MP3 PLAYER FOR THE SAME FUNCTION.
ARGJGAJHGHAAHHARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh

These are some of the things at the top of my mind. There's more, but I'm feeling quite happy right now so I guess I don't really have to the inspiration to continue writing negative things.
Not at this moment anyway.

I can barely say ~

I really need to lose weight sigh :c

It's so difficult though. I have no self control at all.
I'm not a fan of food- unless if it's Thai food of course. I don't have any specific cravings, don't have any favourite food. Which makes it ten thousand times worse because when I feel like binge eating, anything will do. Everything will do T__________T

This one time I ate young tau foo in the morning, 2 sets of blueberry toasts in the afternoon, potato chips afterwards and then pig out at my favourite Thai restaurant at night. My eating habit has become so severe and I have no idea why. Everything looks so delicious.

I'm a lazy person. If there's no food, I won't go look for it. Which was a huge contributing factor to my weight maintenance. But now, it's like, food > laziness. It used to be the one effect of my laziness that I can be proud of. But now, :c

And I still like the feeling of hunger. It makes me feel so secure. But I like being stuffed more now UGH. It's that feeling of abandonment that I get along with feeling so full. I feel so free when I eat without constrain.

MAYBE THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM.
I hope not.

:c

And I will hold on tight

I'm lucky because I managed to hold on long enough to heal.
I'm lucky because the worst thing I feel like doing when I'm sad is to cry.
I'm lucky because I haven't lost sight of the important things.
I'm lucky because I realize that even if one person did me wrong, so many other people treated me right.
I'm lucky because I have blessings to count.
I'm lucky because I don't disregard those blessings just because I've had my heart ripped out of my chest once.
I'm lucky because Allah has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Even when I don't see it that way sometimes, I am lucky.
Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful for everything.

Dah lama gila dah pun Elsa zz.

What are you still doing, thinking about it -__-'

I will let you choke from the noose around your neck

I'm not allowed to say I miss you. Because doing so would mean I'm still living in the past.

I guess I don't miss you, the you who left. The you who left weren't that nice of a person. The you who left was good riddance.

But you were also the same person who stayed up when I was sick. Who sang weird out of tune songs just because I asked.. And once in a while, you would appear on my phone simply because I crossed your mind.

It sucks- the fact that one could have so many different sides of them. That no one is constant. That one can grace the face of earth with their niceness one day but decided to not care the next day. 

We've been strangers for a while now. I guess I'm not that unhappy being a stranger to you. You were cruel to me for reasons I never did comprehend. But.. just for once, if I could get that feeling again. The feeling that I had with you, with someone else; someone who doesn't make it their life goal to hurt me constantly- it would be magical, wouldn't it?

Alas, I don't decide these things.

But I've decided let go. I've decided to let go of the hurt and the ill-feelings. I've decided to let go of you, most importantly. And you can't hurt me anymore even if you try.

I hate it that you make me sound like a martyr. Like I'm the only one wounded when you got to walk away unscathed. 

But that's the whole truth. You ended things so abruptly, so.. spitefully as if I'm diseased. You put me in such misery for months. I found out that months of supposed ~love~ turned out to just be a well told lie. I never mattered to you.

I supposed I contradicted myself a little bit in this post since I said I've let go. I should, I know that. I'm suppose to be a good person who forgives and forgets. 

But the quality of mercy is not strained. (This is a misuse of the phrase but I've been itching to use it since forever ;__;)

I suppose when I think about it, I can't really forgive you. Not when you're not even sorry. And I guess I'll carry this ill feelings forever. I'll think I've forgotten about it. And I will outgrow it and it will become an insignificant memory from my past. But always, whenever I see something that reminds me of you, I'll think of the bitterness of it all.

And the fraction of sweet memories will only sadden me.

For once, I want to admit that I haven't forgotten you.

I haven't forgotten any of it.

It's not anger, at least I don't think so. Just a terrible scar I couldn't get rid of.

A scar that, for now, I think would never disappear.

I'm not even suppose to think about this but I am.

It's black and white ~~~

Real life events don't induce me to tears anymore.

I wonder why..

Of course fictional events I saw on television still do. But everything that happens around me doesn't make me tear up anymore.. 

Excruciating pain from surgery? No.. nope.

Pounding headache every second of everyday? No..

Feeling so stressed out over having 1 million things to do before school? Nahh.

Parents decide to be difficult and sputter harsh words? Nope. Not a single tear was shed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a huge, real progress as I've always been a big cry baby since the dawn of time. When I was in Standard 1 I cried for 3 months straight because I was so outraged by the new strange environment in school. And when I entered lower Form 1, I was so keen to be the 'smart kid' that I cried because I found out my intellectual level could never match to the existing smart kids in that school. 

Which was why I decided to stop caring come Form 2 but that's another long story zz.

The point is, tears have been constant companion. I don't exactly fancy it but it has done its part in keeping me sane over the years.

So what changed then?

Have I hardened inside?! Or did I simply grew up?

I guess I'll never know.

I like it this way though.. It doesn't make me strong or anything. How can you be strong when you don't even care enough to be weak...

It's so weird. I've became so distant. Hmm.

But I guess what's weirder is; no one has noticed.

So maybe this is all in my head....................

DUN DUN DUN.