Lost

This is probably the eighth time I'm attempting this post.
It's difficult to write now. Part of the reason is because I write the most when I'm vulnerable. This of course results to a conflict of my current developed interest; I actually have trouble with vulnerability.

If there is one thing in the world I would want most gone from myself, it'd be vulnerability. I get uncomfortable around it. I get irked by it. So I can not fathom how vulnerability is the most quintessential part of me.

I get irked with myself because I cry a lot. I get upset. And every time I do, I find it imperative not to show it to other people. Because I hate it that I feel this way. I despise it. I loath it.

And that in turn weigh me down even further. I suppose it is ironic when you think about it. I hate vulnerability so I won't let myself feel it but when I do that I get even more vulnerable. It weighs me down so much that I think I'm starting to lose sense of myself.

I feel happy very rarely. I find solitude rather lonely. I'm just a different person now.

I guess many things can be attributed to this. I just don't really like where I am at this point of my life. People like to go on and on about how change is good for you. I even welcomed it with open arms.

But Change has been nothing but cruel to me.

And no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I know people are leaving me behind.
People are moving forward while I'm stuck here. I'm in a rut.

I'm lost in this life I've chosen for myself and there's no supporting tether to bound me to safety. I'm just.. alone. And I cannot shake the feeling that I've done something terribly wrong to myself.

I deprive myself from companionship and freedom of expression. I think those things are weak. It makes me vulnerable. But that deprivation led to even more vulnerability. I think I made a mistake. I don't like where I am at in my life right now and I have no company to make it bearable.

I'm just.. lost.

Headache

I'm not big on documenting stuffs.
I don't take pictures. I don't keep a diary. Even this blog- a supposed "journal" has only been filled with detached accounts of my feelings. Not my life. No documentary at all.

I suppose this situation is understandable as I don't think I've done anything worth documenting after all. Then I'm hit with another epiphany- 18 years. And nothing to define me by?

I don't know. When I look back.. I guess there's little I could be proud of in my life. There's little than could distinguish me from others.
And sad thing is, when asked what makes me different, most people around me will say that it's because of my extremely fair skin.

My boyfriend even named his email account in honour of my fair skin (elskin (creepy)).

 I don't think that's an achievement at all.
But yeah. I guess I done so few things that having a fair skin is my only accomplishment.

How terribly unfortunate.

Boohoo

My life constantly revolves around school nowadays.
And a shitload of stress.

There are some enjoyable moments at the place I'm studying. Like today- we had a campaign project for our Oral Communication class. It was a good day- mostly because my group mates are fantastic. And I love working with them.

But other days can be pointless.
I seems like I had lost purpose.

I don't know if this is just a phase, but I don't know why I'm doing all this. College is place to discover yourself. I went through 11 years of school following, doing what other people tell me I should do. But college, is supposed to be where I make my own decision.

And I thought I made a sound one. I'm not saying I regret it.
I knew I was not going to love it and I was right.

And I thought that's just it. I won't love it but it'd be okay. I'd be okay with it.

There used to be some things that I could identify myself with back in Sri Aman. I didn't like my subjects but I had loved Literature. I loved my friends. I loved the countless stress-inducing projects that made me feel very important.

And when I had a break after my SPM, I identified myself with my job at Tooba'. They liked me and I liked them back. And I enjoyed selling clothings to people- as weird as that may sound.

But now, I'm forced to identify myself with school. I don't like school. I don't like how English- a subject that I could tolerate and had a preference for in the past turned into this mush of inexplicably complicated things. Inexplicable because they aren't explained very well to me.
Maybe I'm just dumb but I don't seem to get it what my lecturers are trying to teach me. I tried so hard and I still can't.

Read: Forced. I was forced to identify myself with my education now. It takes most of my time-understandably- and it occupies my mind all the time-not so understandably. So much so that to feel like I'm on a break, I would turn to my bed, refuse to shower all day and just remain dormant for the whole weekend. If I decided to shower, it'd be thinking about my declining grades. I don't love anything there. I don't have a hobby or a place where I can freely express myself.

I'm either bored or stressed out.
And happiness only comes in form of temporary feigned ignorance of the current situation.

I don't think this is the life I want to live.

As expected though, the feel-good vibe from my previous post was short-lived.
(:

I find myself getting increasingly annoyed by the people I surround myself with. I deactivated my Twitter because I was annoyed with people. I scrolled through my Facebook timeline and got even more irritated. Sure, if its on social media I can just choose to not be apart of it. In real life things are not so simple.

I really have no escapisms from the irritating world.
lol im so sleepy. bye

Trueeee love~~

I have a writing assignment, 1 journal to write, 2 TOEFL questions and I have yet to study for my precal test next Tuesday.

Joy.

I feel like writing in this blog because I've had a particularly good day today. (:

I love the feeling of a regular day with everything going right (even when things threaten to go wrong, it didn't go wrong), turns the whole regular day into a fantastic feel good day.

I don't think I'm making sense.

Anyway, I've just started exercising. Regularly. And truthfully I don't get those people who enjoy exercising. I mean I hope to god that your masochistic tendencies is only towards exercise and do not go beyond that.
I think they lie about the endorphine or other feel good hormones they claim to be released when you exercise. Cause yep I'm not feeling it.

Unto more pressing matters than my newfound method to torture myself- today was lovely :D

I got re-acquainted with my best friends. It's beeen sooo looong since I saw them. But it's great because you know how some time when you don't see each other for a long time, everything just seems to fall apart. The little things that make you love being in your friends' presence seem to vanish. You end up in awkward silence and you don't know what to say to each other.

I am blessed to have friends, that despite not seeing each other for months, that are still just as interesting if we were to see each other every day.

Very blessed indeed.

And then I got to see my boyfriend. We did our assignments together and things seem to be less stressful when you have company. I don't dread homework anymore when I can do it with him. It's a nice feeling to know that I have a motivation to not be lazy for once. He's my motivation (:

As I pointed out in my previous post, when did I become so candid with my writing?1/1/  I used to be so vague hahahaJHDgajh.

Anyway I love my friends. I hate being around people. But I believe the selected people that I chose to be around with are the greatest bunch. And I love them <3

Aww.

I have so much positivity surging through my veins. Omigod.  

I deactivated my Twitter :D I decided my timeline sucks. And it's filled with people I don't really want to know from. I hope this deactivation is permanent. I think I'm growing up and social network puts a halt to that process. Hehe.

God my body is so sore from the freaking exercises AHHHHHHH.

Ok homework twime!11!!111

And the walls keep tumbling down ~

Warning: This is a rambling post with no real substance. It will not be beneficial to anyone's enjoyment nor intellectual development. And it's long.

People are romantic when it comes to important days.
The first day of secondary school. SPM results. The first day of college.

These kind of days, for me however, passed by silently. No indication at all as to whether it should mean anything.
I'm only 18 mind you, but I feel as if some of the biggest days of my adolescence crept silently without me noticing it. It's as if I only got a momentary glance of it. I didn't even have enough time to turn my glance into a careful stare.

And then arrive the demanding convictions of adulthood.

I wasn't taken aback by it. Again, it was a silent journey. It seems like everything in my life is like that- silent. I go to sleep and suddenly wake up the next day a new person with new responsibilities.

There was no momentous decision that brought me to the person that I am today. I followed the flow and ended up where I am.

I don't know why I sound so solemn- it wasn't my intention.

Unto more important things than my constipated emotions; I am a college student now :D
It happened quite a while ago actually but I just got around to writing about it. YAY. I was set on the idea of abandoning this blog completely but then I realised I actually enjoyed writing once. So maybe I could do it again and see if I still fancy it :3

Anyway, I'm in INTEC now bound to US for the course of Actuarial Science.
I don't know why I bother writing that down since knowing me, I don't actually have the will to explain that topic in further detail.

But well, I'll give it a shot anyway (?)

Okay so. I live in a hostel now. It's not that bad. My apartment mates are nice bunch people of it (prolly the only bunch of people in INTEC (apart from my boyfriend) to notice if I would somehow go missing). My classes consist of 5 English classes and 1 Pre-calculus class. My lecturers are nice. INTEC is not too different from school apart from hours of gap between classes which somehow rendered me more exhausted than if I have classes back to back.

Deep sigh.

I keep finding myself sleeping as early as 9 pm whenever I'm at my apartment. It's so disheartening because well, my apartment mates are very hardworking people. The type who conduct study group to study. Whilst I'm still not sure of what I'm actually learning in class.

Le sigh, again.

I know I should change my slacking ways. I have to keep up a remarkable CGPA to actually fly to US to further my degree. But it's still not ingrained in my mind yet. Despite myself, I can't find that sense of urgency in me to start working hard.

Le biggest sigh.

Despite all of that, I have my pillar of strength by my side going through the exact same thing so it's all good I guess. Hopefully we'll get to fly to the States together. And go to the same university and be married. Because I can't navigate my way through INTEC and it's been like 5 weeks. How am I suppose to navigate through the university of US if I don't have him around?!?/1/?!///1/1//?!/1/

*flail* *panic attack* *idk if i want to be married yet omg omg but omg he's so useful to have around*

Maybe I should privatise my blog lol. WHY AM I SO OPEN TO YOU BLOG ALL OF THE SUDDEN. I USED TO BE SO VAGUE AND ~MYSTERIOUS~

Age has rendered me split personality disorder I guess.

Toodles my lovelies :*

Intricate

You know what I think about those girls who complain about their looks weight height and everything superficial?
Weak.

I think I'm weak.

Being aware of the fact that you have obvious double chins whenever you smile, stomachs roll-up when you sit, thighs rubbing when you walk make you not want to smile, sit nor walk. Nor eat. Nor do anything.
The sad sad truth it that sometimes we deny.

We deny that we're that overweight. We deny that our cheeks look those of a chipmunk with acorns full in its mouth.

And our denial seem so.. real that we forget again how fat we are.
Before you know it you start smiling again, walking and sitting. You eat.

All is well until the next time you smile for a picture and you see those obvious double chins again. Without warning you're slammed into the ground, head spinning but instead of seeing stars you see a bold, red sign 'YOU'RE FAT'.

Sigh.

Bring him home

Oh. Oh my lovely lovely blog.
How I miss you so.

It feels ages since I write.
And that's saying something. The fact is, the less that I write, the more it is that I drift apart from the small voices inside of my head.
I became more in sync with the world.
I became for connected to people.

I don't know whether it's good or bad. But I do know that it feels so different now.

Nothing overly dramatic happened since I last blogged. Everything is pretty mundane though.
I have a job now.

It's a nice job, surrounded by nice people. Makes me feel at home more that it should. It's nice to think that even in the real world, I'm still sheltered by kind hearted souls.

My routine changed drastically from when I was in school. After 5 years of something, of course you get used to a certain idea of a good day.

A good day for me then was getting home from school early and spending hours on the internet.

A good day for me now, is getting to spend lunch with my boyfriend and listening to his tireless convictions on how fat I am.

A very remarkable transition, if I may say so myself.
But apart from my daily commute to Paradigm every single day, I basically haven't been anywhere else after I got back from my one month stay in Langkawi.

Not even to a different mall.

It gets pretty dull. But routine has a sense of security to it. My workplace now replaces my school.

And then I'm forced off my tendency to delay the inevitable- i.e. what I want to do with my life etc etc. I acquired a scholarship offer to do the IB Diploma. I have 2 more days to decide whether I would like to take up that offer.

My head is a mess because I don't know what I want to do.
I don't want to decide now. I'm.. not ready.
I feel like a withering child. Lips quivering, hands trembling in confusion. Cheeks burning from the sudden surge of attention given to her. I'm not very good at deciding things.

I fear the unknown. The fact that what I decide determines what I will be is a pretty serious thing for a 17 year old who doesn't want any more responsibility other than waking up in time to shower and get ready for her part time job.

I feel like throwing up just thinking about this.
Sigh.