In an ideal world..
1) My short hair won't stick up in a weird way making my head shaped more like yield sign than a human head.
2) I would fit into a size 22 jeans.
3) I can eat all I want and never get fat.
4) I would have never ending supply of anchovies.
5) all Grey's Anatomy songs will be downloaded automatically just as soon as I heard it.
6) I have time to catch up on all of my tv shows.
7) I would know how I feel and towards whom that I feel those things to.
8) I didn't involve myself in too many school activities.
9) I didn't have to sit for SPM.
10) social interaction won't be too nauseating.
11) I would understand things.
12) I won't have to learn Physics, Chemistry or Bio.
13) English in Literature is taught as a core subject within school hours and I would have it everyday.
14) I don't have the conscience to feel bad for hurting those who've hurt me.
15) people would stop complaining so much.
16) no one lashes out on anyone when they're under stress.
17) people get easily offended and I would enjoy the look on their face when I offend them instead of not having enough guts to offend anyone.
My ideal world would be filled with serial killers related shows, good music, great books, money for me to spend on clothes and handsome guys who are interested in me.
Lol just thinking about this is making me feel all giddy inside.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
You're the lucky ones
I think, I think I've been trying to change.
And I think I succeeded in making those changes.
For one thing, I don't get emotional anymore. This is a total contrast from whatever creature I was a year ago. But it's quite peculiar, seeing as the change happened so subtly I didn't even notice it at first. It was like.. something snapped within me, leaving me with very little patience towards everything involving any sorts of emotions. I think it's pretty obvious how little I care about things nowadays.
What bothers me though is the arrogance that comes along with this new found indifference. I was ashamed of whom I was before this. I realized that now.
I was so icky and fragile and overly emotional about everything.
Now, I think I'm above everyone else. I lose respect towards people who displays any sorts of emotional attachment into anything that I deem petty. This mostly involves my peers. My peers who break down when a school project threatens to fall apart, my peers who cry when their boyfriends leave them.
I used to be one of them.
But the way I see it, I rose above that. I realized my mistake. I realized how useless it was to get too emotional attached. I'm irked with myself.
The real reason why I lose respect for these kind of people is because they don't learn. They don't realize. They don't care enough to reflect on themselves and see how pointless it is to invest emotionally into the things they get emotional about.
And as I mentioned earlier, this new trait of mine bothers me. I'm not a bad person, at least I don't think I am. I don't curse people. I don't hate people for no reason. In fact, if they don't directly harm me, whatever they do is none of my business.
But I can't help what I feel inside can I? It's not like I display my lost of respect towards them. I keep everything to myself. Me, pouring out on this blog isn't meant for anyone else. It's merely my own self discovery.
And I know some things are important to people. So important that they get emotionally attached. And it has nothing to do with me. By all means, be emotional. I'm just saying that at the event that I do witness these emotions, I will get annoyed.
I think people owe it to themselves and to other people to suppress their display of emotions and keep it to themselves until they're in private or in the presence of the people they trust. It's uncomfortable to see a stranger/mere acquaintance getting worked up or breaking down in public. I don't know how to comfort them. And there's this stigma if a person doesn't react to tears. I will be directly affected by that stigma.
It seems like I don't empathize anymore. But I think the things that induce my peers to tears are very petty things. Avoidable things. And I can't sympathize with that.
Am I a bad person then?
And I think I succeeded in making those changes.
For one thing, I don't get emotional anymore. This is a total contrast from whatever creature I was a year ago. But it's quite peculiar, seeing as the change happened so subtly I didn't even notice it at first. It was like.. something snapped within me, leaving me with very little patience towards everything involving any sorts of emotions. I think it's pretty obvious how little I care about things nowadays.
What bothers me though is the arrogance that comes along with this new found indifference. I was ashamed of whom I was before this. I realized that now.
I was so icky and fragile and overly emotional about everything.
Now, I think I'm above everyone else. I lose respect towards people who displays any sorts of emotional attachment into anything that I deem petty. This mostly involves my peers. My peers who break down when a school project threatens to fall apart, my peers who cry when their boyfriends leave them.
I used to be one of them.
But the way I see it, I rose above that. I realized my mistake. I realized how useless it was to get too emotional attached. I'm irked with myself.
The real reason why I lose respect for these kind of people is because they don't learn. They don't realize. They don't care enough to reflect on themselves and see how pointless it is to invest emotionally into the things they get emotional about.
And as I mentioned earlier, this new trait of mine bothers me. I'm not a bad person, at least I don't think I am. I don't curse people. I don't hate people for no reason. In fact, if they don't directly harm me, whatever they do is none of my business.
But I can't help what I feel inside can I? It's not like I display my lost of respect towards them. I keep everything to myself. Me, pouring out on this blog isn't meant for anyone else. It's merely my own self discovery.
And I know some things are important to people. So important that they get emotionally attached. And it has nothing to do with me. By all means, be emotional. I'm just saying that at the event that I do witness these emotions, I will get annoyed.
I think people owe it to themselves and to other people to suppress their display of emotions and keep it to themselves until they're in private or in the presence of the people they trust. It's uncomfortable to see a stranger/mere acquaintance getting worked up or breaking down in public. I don't know how to comfort them. And there's this stigma if a person doesn't react to tears. I will be directly affected by that stigma.
It seems like I don't empathize anymore. But I think the things that induce my peers to tears are very petty things. Avoidable things. And I can't sympathize with that.
Am I a bad person then?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Every now and then, I think of all the time we were together
I actually cringe in embarrassment to be reading the posts in my blog from last year.
Was I really that.. unhappy?
I guess I was. Strange though, the things I easily forget.
Sigh I guess it's there as a reminder for me- as a reminder that things never were always fine and dandy. I got sad a lot. More times than I was happy.
And I wonder why.
If I was that unhappy, why didn't I just leave..
Why did I stay so long just to get hurt over and over again.
Lol one thing for sure though, I will never be that stupid again.
Was I really that.. unhappy?
I guess I was. Strange though, the things I easily forget.
Sigh I guess it's there as a reminder for me- as a reminder that things never were always fine and dandy. I got sad a lot. More times than I was happy.
And I wonder why.
If I was that unhappy, why didn't I just leave..
Why did I stay so long just to get hurt over and over again.
Lol one thing for sure though, I will never be that stupid again.
Friday, March 23, 2012
I'll wait
It's 3.46 am on a Friday morning and I can't sleep.
I wonder why..
So anyway, because of my sudden ~insomnia~ I decided to read my old blog posts. I have 3 blogs in total. 2 of which are private. Huhu. I love my private blogs, they make me feel like I know something that other people don't know. Eventhough that '''something''' is myself lol. I'm so pathetic ;____;
Well I've come the conclusion that I've since traveled a long way from.. then. LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT I'M STILL THE SAME ;___;
Sigh.
But I've read my posts when I was 13. One word to that; ew. HAHA I sounded so disgustingly narcissistic. One thing I noticed though- I was such a loner back then. I can't even remember my friends when I was 13. 13 sounds so grown up-ish when I was 13 but now I realized that I was just a baby back then.
Is this how life is going to be like from now on? T__T
Realizing how childish you are even as a teenager?!?! The thing is, I always viewed myself as a sophisticated young person who can't sound childish even if they try. But childishness is the essence of my being for the last.... 17 years.
UGH.
I bet I'll look back to this post 3 years later and go 'Who childishly writes about being childish. So childish'. EEE.
Lol so anyway, I've been typing the word childish so much it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.
Alright then, will try to catch some sleep.
Peace out.
I wonder why..
So anyway, because of my sudden ~insomnia~ I decided to read my old blog posts. I have 3 blogs in total. 2 of which are private. Huhu. I love my private blogs, they make me feel like I know something that other people don't know. Eventhough that '''something''' is myself lol. I'm so pathetic ;____;
Well I've come the conclusion that I've since traveled a long way from.. then. LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT I'M STILL THE SAME ;___;
Sigh.
But I've read my posts when I was 13. One word to that; ew. HAHA I sounded so disgustingly narcissistic. One thing I noticed though- I was such a loner back then. I can't even remember my friends when I was 13. 13 sounds so grown up-ish when I was 13 but now I realized that I was just a baby back then.
Is this how life is going to be like from now on? T__T
Realizing how childish you are even as a teenager?!?! The thing is, I always viewed myself as a sophisticated young person who can't sound childish even if they try. But childishness is the essence of my being for the last.... 17 years.
UGH.
I bet I'll look back to this post 3 years later and go 'Who childishly writes about being childish. So childish'. EEE.
Lol so anyway, I've been typing the word childish so much it doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.
Alright then, will try to catch some sleep.
Peace out.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tonight
Tonight, I will wail to my heart's desire.
I will let out all the feelings I've bottled up inside. All the red face moments I had to bear through at school.
I will feel pathetic. I will feel defeated. I will feel alone.
I will feel pathetic. I will feel defeated. I will feel alone.
I will let all the bad feelings consume me.
But tomorrow, I will wake up and I will forget all about it.
I will hold my head up high, collect my own mess and carry on.
Sudahlah Elsa.
La Tahzan.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
DORAAAEEEMOOON
There's a lot of hate going around in this world.
I will not exclude myself from it. Because hating stuffs are proven to be so magnificently satisfying for the soul. And so today, I will write about my pet peeves.
1) Being woken up by someone.
I don't care who it is. Whether it's my hypothetical ~boyfriend~ trying to be sweet and ~caring~ by calling or texting me to wake me up, or it's my mum who wakes me up because she thinks I will oversleep. I wake myself up that's the rule. I'm such a light sleeper that a slight sound can wake me from my slumber. To me personally, it's the single most annoying thing in the whole wide word. I always set up alarm clocks to wake me up. I set an average of 4 to 6 alarms a day. I don't trust the snooze button. So I set the alarms 1 minute apart. And I always put the alarm next to my ears and the volume is always at the highest. When someone ruins the functions of my alarms by waking me up before they ring, I will get pretty upset because I've taken all the precautionary steps imagine and my efforts were in vain.
So yeah, I hate being woken up by a human being.
2) Being told to do unnecessary things.
The classic example of this is the school rules of course. Every day we have to go through the gate and we will be asked for our nails and socks. Once a week having to comply to this; I get it. But once a day.. Do they honestly think that our nails will grow disgustingly long overnight.. ... I dunno. It's illogical and it's a waste of time and it annoys the hell out of me.
I'm not a rule breaker; simply because to break rules, you have to put some effort into it. But I don't like self righteous prefects who judge you like you're the biggest criminal in the world for not having sesi tags on your tudung. I get it, it's their job to check but is it really necessary for their tone of voices to be so condescending? It's sesi tag. Not.. drugs. It irks to me to the core.
3) My iTouch and its lame batter power
Stupid device can only last 5 to 6 hours with active usage. Its function is to be played with. That's the reason there are so many applications in there. But I found out that I cannot do this because of its limited battery power.
Joy.
So when I'm stuck in a 8 hour-long road trip and my only source of entertainment is my iTouch, I can't do anything but listen to music on it. SO BASICALLY I PAID ALMOST TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF AN MP3 PLAYER FOR THE SAME FUNCTION.
ARGJGAJHGHAAHHARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh
These are some of the things at the top of my mind. There's more, but I'm feeling quite happy right now so I guess I don't really have to the inspiration to continue writing negative things.
Not at this moment anyway.
I will not exclude myself from it. Because hating stuffs are proven to be so magnificently satisfying for the soul. And so today, I will write about my pet peeves.
1) Being woken up by someone.
I don't care who it is. Whether it's my hypothetical ~boyfriend~ trying to be sweet and ~caring~ by calling or texting me to wake me up, or it's my mum who wakes me up because she thinks I will oversleep. I wake myself up that's the rule. I'm such a light sleeper that a slight sound can wake me from my slumber. To me personally, it's the single most annoying thing in the whole wide word. I always set up alarm clocks to wake me up. I set an average of 4 to 6 alarms a day. I don't trust the snooze button. So I set the alarms 1 minute apart. And I always put the alarm next to my ears and the volume is always at the highest. When someone ruins the functions of my alarms by waking me up before they ring, I will get pretty upset because I've taken all the precautionary steps imagine and my efforts were in vain.
So yeah, I hate being woken up by a human being.
2) Being told to do unnecessary things.
The classic example of this is the school rules of course. Every day we have to go through the gate and we will be asked for our nails and socks. Once a week having to comply to this; I get it. But once a day.. Do they honestly think that our nails will grow disgustingly long overnight.. ... I dunno. It's illogical and it's a waste of time and it annoys the hell out of me.
I'm not a rule breaker; simply because to break rules, you have to put some effort into it. But I don't like self righteous prefects who judge you like you're the biggest criminal in the world for not having sesi tags on your tudung. I get it, it's their job to check but is it really necessary for their tone of voices to be so condescending? It's sesi tag. Not.. drugs. It irks to me to the core.
3) My iTouch and its lame batter power
Stupid device can only last 5 to 6 hours with active usage. Its function is to be played with. That's the reason there are so many applications in there. But I found out that I cannot do this because of its limited battery power.
Joy.
So when I'm stuck in a 8 hour-long road trip and my only source of entertainment is my iTouch, I can't do anything but listen to music on it. SO BASICALLY I PAID ALMOST TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF AN MP3 PLAYER FOR THE SAME FUNCTION.
ARGJGAJHGHAAHHARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh
These are some of the things at the top of my mind. There's more, but I'm feeling quite happy right now so I guess I don't really have to the inspiration to continue writing negative things.
Not at this moment anyway.
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