Tonight we are young~

No more frustration, no more anger.

No more sparks, no more laughter,

No more darkness, no light either.

The only thing that is here is well, busyness and distractions. Maybe having something to look forward to would be ideal. Would fill this empty void. Perhaps.

Not another human being of course. They only complicate things. 

Or maybe I'm being ungrateful.

So many things are happening around me; mostly it involves school. Well my social scene is only limited to school anyway. 

And I like school.

But there has to be more to life than.. that.. Than staying back every single day and going back home to study at night. Surely. 

Or maybe this is as good as it gets.

omg I can't summon that sanguine blogging mood anymore.

How sad :'c

Had me believing it was always something that I had done ~~

Now that the surgery is done, the headache still prolongs. Dilemma.

What do I say to my parents? They'd be worried. 

What if the headache never goes away.

The surgery was expensive. And to find out what's wrong with me (now that the surgery has proven to be in vain) would be even more expensive. I'm so tired of going in and out of the hospital.

Do I keep it to myself?

What if it's something serious? But then again, what if it's not?

Headaches sound so mild though. But it doesn't feel mild at all. 

I guess pain killers is the solution.

Loads and loads of pain killers.

Sigh

'Sleep dwell upon thine eyes'
'Peace upon thy heart'

:c

Swerve.

Avoid.

Miss.

Few more months more to go. You'll be just fine Elsa.

Run for your life

True, life is about ups and downs.
But what do you do when you feel like you're going through more downs than ups? I tell myself that I'm fine. And I am. But there are certain times when I know that I am not.
The worst part is, I can't talk to anyone because.. well.. I've talked to everyone.

And they can't offer me solutions. I can't offer myself solutions. So now I'm in a rut. I've been in that rut for quite a while now.

But life goes on. And I feel like I'm being left behind. I find myself struggling to just have a breather. I find myself wondering when does it get better for me. I know the root to my all of these ~feelings~. And apparently it's a taboo so I can't talk about it.

But you can't lie to yourself. No matter how hard you try, you just can't.
I did everything though. Everything in my power to be better. But it's not enough. And there's nothing left for me to do anymore except wait. And I've waited so long. So many things have changed. But I'm still stuck here.
I've used up all my emotional crutches - my friends so to speak. But harsh word were uttered. There are no longer kind understanding on their part just rushed 'it has been too long now, you should have gotten over it by now'. And I can't argue because they are right. I know they are.

But knowing that they're right left me feeling so.. alone. And loneliness sucks.

More than that really, even I'm starting to resent myself. That's not news. But I've been doing so more than usual lately. That's worse than feeling alone. It's worse than feeling so weighed down you can barely breathe. It's like you're having a constant battle with yourself. And the weaker part of you always finds a way to feel so low that you have to cry yourself to sleep in order the function properly again the next day.

And now I'm past the point of wondering when will I get out of this rut. I've relented to the fact that I probably never will. And no matter how far I travel, no matter what I achieve, I just know that I will always be in that rut.
I will always feel this empty.
And I will always be this lonely.

All you are is mean

Hellish is probably the most suitable word I can describe myself.
Well, just had my surgery. It was a minor one. Minor surgery doesn't exclude pain post-op it turns out.
Lol how could I be so naive to think that I'd be just fine after the surgery?

I would go into detail of how the surgery went. Parts that I could remember anyway. But it's very depressing, even for me.
And so here I am again, being a big baby about this whole thing, but it hurts when a person cut pieces of your nose bone. It really does :c

And it still hurts now. And blood can't stop gushing out of my nose. Sometimes I puke blood clots because the blood from my nose decide to travel down my throat. It's the most uncomfortable experience I've ever gone through.

SIiiIiighhhhHh.

The war outside your window is raging on

I will survive this, just like I've survived everything else.

Of course I'd feel so alone along the way but then again, what else is new?

I can't shut down that nagging feeling of loneliness for some reason. Is it because I'm too dependent on certain people? I guess so. But I had the blessing of knowing what it's like to not feel this lonely.

And in a lot of ways, I miss that feeling.

I dismiss it as human nature. But is it though? Maybe I'm the only reason why I feel like this. I would change if I think it'd make a difference. But you can't change the innermost part of you. It has always been a part of you.

Sure you can suppress those feelings. Tell yourself that you're happy the way you are. And to a certain extend, that is true. But those feelings that you suppress aren't going anywhere until you find a way to deal with them. And I can't deal with them. I don't know how to.

It's a curse to know myself as well as I do. It's a curse to be aware of every tiny micro feelings I feel inside me.

It's SPM soon enough. Next year I'm no longer a child according to the legal system of Malaysia. I take that as a sign that I'd have to start filling this emptiness within me without depending on other people. I'd have to feel happy on my own accord and not let anyone take control over my happiness. 

I guess I just need a turning point so that I would improve.

How can I improve if every thing is the same? If I walk the same hallway, if I sit at the same couch, if I sleep in the same bed, if I'm always around triggers to those memories I ought to leave behind, how am I suppose to feel like I'm moving forward.

So I guess all I need right now is a little change of scenery.

A breath of fresh air.

And I will feel better.

Dancing in the downpour

Today was cross country day at school :D

Emerald Green emerged as first runner up for cross country. And we won for best board design. I haven't really been contributing as much as I'd like though since I'm practically useless is anything involving arts and I can't really be a leader to the juniors since I'm like so awkward around everything :''C

But I'm still proud of Green nevertheless. Sports day in 4 months, we still have a long way to go. It'd be really nice for Emerald Green to be champion this year.

Ugh so much spirit for my house \o/

Moving on, I'll be having my first ever surgery on Monday. Would be hospitalized for 2 days. My friends sent me off with well wishes. But truth be told, I'm not really worried.
Not that much anyway.

I'll be fine really. It's just a tiny minor surgery. And I won't even feel anything because of the anesthetics. But most of all, I hope this wretched headache would be gone after the surgery. Can't wait to have my life back.

Wah such a short post.
ABRUPT ENDING~~

Just smile back

It doesn't work when you suppress good memories just to remember the bad ones.

Good always triumphs above evil.

Love always triumphs above hate.

Almost 17 years of breathing have at least taught me that much.

But where do you draw the line? Where do you tell yourself that the good memories aren't worth remembering anymore? 

I'm not stupid. At least I don't think I am. But when you let go completely, is it possible to forget everything too? Is it possible to not wish to go back to that familiarity?

Because ultimately it's safer and it's less lonely there.

But you see, you have to go away from where you're not wanted.

You've stopped asking why you're not wanted because you'll never receive the answer anyway. But you feel so lonely in this strange, new place that you wonder why do things have to change when you're constant?

Why can't things be easy?

Why can't other people stay the same?

What is the terrible thing that I did to land myself in this awful position in the first place?

It's easy to feel better when you remind yourself what you have yet to uncover in the future. But really, you know, you don't really care for the future if you could still have what you had in the past now, in the present.

And now I will stop whining. I will stop being weak. And I'll stiffen up my upper lip because tears are not attractive on a 17 year old girl.

It's time to grow up.

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back

I'm sick.
Like mucus coming out from your nose hands trembling temperature rising non-stop sneezing kind of sick.

So I will blog randomly to make myself feel better.

I don't have any idea why but when I'm in this particular physical state, I tend to cry. Sometimes ugly sobbing, sometimes just a prickle of brave tear I decide to not withhold.
It's just that when you're sick, all those things you chose to look past will resurface to haunt you; like how much work you're handling, how SPM is coming to eat you alive, scholarship drama, the fact that you probably won't get into a nice college abroad like how you've always dreamed of doing because your parents couldn't afford it without a scholarship. And mostly, the fact that you're alone and you want nothing else at this moment than to find someone to sneeze to or to sob horribly on the phone to just let everything out.

Thing is, I know. I know I'm a big emotional baby who's so vulnerable she can't even handle a simple flu.
I know no one will get it. It's just a simple flu, people get sick all the time. Some people get wayy sicker than I.
But I don't know.
Is it that difficult to find someone who'd withstand my ugly sobbing and disregard it as temporary insanity on my part caused by excessive sneezing?

I guess I could just go to my mum beg her for a hug and just cry my heart out.
But that won't work. Because for some reason, I just know she would judge me.
And there's nothing more that I hate in this world than being judged.

I miss that feeling. That feeling of security when you know you have at least one person in this world to be however you want to be to. That feeling when you can just show just how much of a weakling you are and not have them judge you. How wonderful it is to have someone who'd pull you into a warm embrace when they see that you're sick and upset.
To have someone who gets it. Who gets it that to me, being sick sucks so bad that sobbing is the only option to feel better.

But that's always too much to ask for. I know that. I know that I can't do anything to change any of this too. And chances are I would have to grow up and not break down every time I encounter tiny pathogens which lead to my sickness.

I like this blog though.
So for the time being, every time I get sick (which is pretty often) I would type and type and type all my sorrows away. It helps.
It really does.
When all else fails, at least I will always have this blog.