The war outside your window is raging on

I will survive this, just like I've survived everything else.

Of course I'd feel so alone along the way but then again, what else is new?

I can't shut down that nagging feeling of loneliness for some reason. Is it because I'm too dependent on certain people? I guess so. But I had the blessing of knowing what it's like to not feel this lonely.

And in a lot of ways, I miss that feeling.

I dismiss it as human nature. But is it though? Maybe I'm the only reason why I feel like this. I would change if I think it'd make a difference. But you can't change the innermost part of you. It has always been a part of you.

Sure you can suppress those feelings. Tell yourself that you're happy the way you are. And to a certain extend, that is true. But those feelings that you suppress aren't going anywhere until you find a way to deal with them. And I can't deal with them. I don't know how to.

It's a curse to know myself as well as I do. It's a curse to be aware of every tiny micro feelings I feel inside me.

It's SPM soon enough. Next year I'm no longer a child according to the legal system of Malaysia. I take that as a sign that I'd have to start filling this emptiness within me without depending on other people. I'd have to feel happy on my own accord and not let anyone take control over my happiness. 

I guess I just need a turning point so that I would improve.

How can I improve if every thing is the same? If I walk the same hallway, if I sit at the same couch, if I sleep in the same bed, if I'm always around triggers to those memories I ought to leave behind, how am I suppose to feel like I'm moving forward.

So I guess all I need right now is a little change of scenery.

A breath of fresh air.

And I will feel better.