It's hard to dance with the devil on your back

I'm sick.
Like mucus coming out from your nose hands trembling temperature rising non-stop sneezing kind of sick.

So I will blog randomly to make myself feel better.

I don't have any idea why but when I'm in this particular physical state, I tend to cry. Sometimes ugly sobbing, sometimes just a prickle of brave tear I decide to not withhold.
It's just that when you're sick, all those things you chose to look past will resurface to haunt you; like how much work you're handling, how SPM is coming to eat you alive, scholarship drama, the fact that you probably won't get into a nice college abroad like how you've always dreamed of doing because your parents couldn't afford it without a scholarship. And mostly, the fact that you're alone and you want nothing else at this moment than to find someone to sneeze to or to sob horribly on the phone to just let everything out.

Thing is, I know. I know I'm a big emotional baby who's so vulnerable she can't even handle a simple flu.
I know no one will get it. It's just a simple flu, people get sick all the time. Some people get wayy sicker than I.
But I don't know.
Is it that difficult to find someone who'd withstand my ugly sobbing and disregard it as temporary insanity on my part caused by excessive sneezing?

I guess I could just go to my mum beg her for a hug and just cry my heart out.
But that won't work. Because for some reason, I just know she would judge me.
And there's nothing more that I hate in this world than being judged.

I miss that feeling. That feeling of security when you know you have at least one person in this world to be however you want to be to. That feeling when you can just show just how much of a weakling you are and not have them judge you. How wonderful it is to have someone who'd pull you into a warm embrace when they see that you're sick and upset.
To have someone who gets it. Who gets it that to me, being sick sucks so bad that sobbing is the only option to feel better.

But that's always too much to ask for. I know that. I know that I can't do anything to change any of this too. And chances are I would have to grow up and not break down every time I encounter tiny pathogens which lead to my sickness.

I like this blog though.
So for the time being, every time I get sick (which is pretty often) I would type and type and type all my sorrows away. It helps.
It really does.
When all else fails, at least I will always have this blog.