Like resignation at the end

Indifference, to me is the emotion you reserve for a total stranger.
You don't know that person, you don't care about that person so the end result would be indifference.

Hatred is not indifference, is it?
It's not a good emotion but at the same time, when you hate someone it means that you think about them.
That they somehow occupy your thoughts and you feel an emotion towards them.

Indifference would also mean that you don't feel anything in one's presence. You have no problem looking at them, striking a conversation when needed and just not caring about their existence.

So, theoretically, when your ex couldn't return your glance, change his number to avoid you, wouldn't speak to you nor will he even mention your name, that would mean he isn't indifferent toward you. Am I right?

There's a place for you reserved somewhere within him that prevented him from just ignoring your existence.
Maybe it's hatred, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's even love.

It's just pitiful when you hate someone you used to have a history with. Particularly when that person you hate hasn't even done anything worth hating. I think it's a disguise of an even deeper emotion that you simply don't have the desire to figure out.
It's easier to hate someone than to realize you can't get over them. You push them away because it's easier than working things out. But then those feelings you suppress resurface and you, always looking for the easy way out just dismiss them as hatred. Simply because it's easier and it works for you.

I can't relate to those who won't reflect on themselves.
Those who don't know what's going on in their own head.
Those who just can't be bothered to know their own emotions.

Much less those who screwed up so badly while involving someone else's emotions besides their own but refused to take any responsibility for it.
And in the end, simply walked away to save his own sorry ass.

Sigh. How inhuman can some human beings get.

Somebody I used to know

Ha.
I guess I had horrible things happening to me over the years. Friends talked behind my back. Boyfriends left, hurt me constantly. Guys insulted me for no obvious reason other than existing. Strangers hit me with a motorbike and then blamed me for it. Parents made bad decisions that they thought are good for me.

I mean, horrendous.
My situation did rectify itself though. What's life without problems huh?
But these things it made me realize that, I'm not actually a kid anymore.

These kind of obstacles would be happening to me for years to come as long as I shall live. And I'm not quite bothered by this ~epiphany~. I get sad for a while when stuffs happen to me. But after that, things always eventually got better.

As cliche as it is, life is a roller coaster.
There's no one event that define your life forever. Life is a series of events with no obvious plot so to speak.
One momentous decision that you thought would change your life forever, sometimes did nothing for you. It will end up forgotten. It will end up as something from your past.

And I think that's very unfortunate. I would like my life to be like.. a story. With climax in the middle, with conflict and the ultimate resolution. But it doesn't work that way I guess. Sometimes life for people like me, is meant to be a bore.

I have goals to achieve. I work towards that goal.
I achieve those said goals.

And then I die.
Which sounds very morbid doesn't it? But it really is not. That's just life.

Lol look at me giving my view on life.. and stuffs. Very ~philosphical~ eh. Hihi.
What is wrong with me.

Never planned on you changing your mind

Happy would-be one year. Lol there's that.. Now I'll continue life and you'll continue not caring. Ahh gotta love life.

So.. I just got hit by a motorcycle on the road.
Was shaken for a while.
Cried to let it all out.

Then held my head up high and continued life.
Ugh I am so proud of myself.

Sidenote though, berdarah habis kaki.

I'm not sorry I met you

Hey, look at me, I'm not damaged.
I'm not scared. I'm not emotionally distant.
I still believe in fairy tales.

I'm still the sappy old person who cares too much.
Only, I now realize that it's not a disadvantage.

I like hoping that everyone in this world isn't a jerk. I like wondering what it's like when time comes that a guy can lift my feet off the ground - literally and figuratively. I like being so touched and marveled by everything in life.
I like feeling hope.

It's a great, wonderful thing.
And I'm so proud of the fact that I didn't let one measly bad chapter in my life change me. It didn't define me. It was just a mistake.

And it was good while it lasted. It was wonderful that I got to cross path with someone that had made me feel so special once.
It hurts when it ended, of course. I guess some part of me do wish that I could have it back again. But my feeling, however significant it is to me, in the end is only significant to me. I can't make people feel things that they do not feel for me. So I let go. Surely someone who doesn't care about you shouldn't hold any place in your heart.

I'll just keep on hoping that one day, my feeling would also be significant to someone else. I hope that I would be important in someone's life. I hope that I will find my intended.
Because I still believe in a prince charming.
I do.

I believe in that little dance my heart does. I believe in that big future together. I believe in being happy with someone who wants to be happy with me.

I cry during romantic movies.
I love inspirational quotes.
I still cry a lot.
I'm the same person before I met you. And I am so proud of that.

I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

If this was a movie

I guess my anger subsides too quickly.
People say it's noble.

It is I guess. But nobility doesn't get you anywhere in this world. People don't care about nobility. They would most probably take advantage of it.
It opens you to so many doors of heartache.

I don't think it's a choice you know.
No one chooses to be good all the time; to feel so little anger and have so much care to give. Even to those whom so obviously don't deserve the care- much less wants it.
There're so many other people I will meet in the future, insyaallah. I'm terrified of the prospect of meeting the wrong person again.
I'm genuinely scared that I won't last in the real world. I trust people so easily.
I don't learn from my mistakes.

My biggest flaw is believing that everyone has a little bit of good inside even if they've proven time after time that they're rotten inside and out.
I'm a pushover. That's who I am.
It's all I'll ever be..

I was true

Do you know what it's like then?
To be betrayed by someone whom you regarded as your friend?
One of the best, really.

To be betrayed by someone who had sworn to protect you from harm?
To be betrayed by someone whom you never in a million years thought would?

Was it fun for you? Tearing me down into shreds? Leaving me alone in the dark? When you're the one whom so eloquently promised to be there for me when I'm in need?

I was stupid. I've always been stupid.
But at least I'm human enough to differentiate right and wrong.

At least I'm not you.

Mum : Your ex looks like a chipmunk.

I AM SORRY BECAUSE THIS WOULD SEEM REALLY MEAN. But my mother's brilliance cannot go unnoticed. Her tactlessness infuriates me at times but in this case, wow mum. HAHAH.
Chipmunk though.
HAHHAHAHAHHA

I talk in my sleep.
Well no. Actually, I talk, text and call people in my sleep.

I didn't think it's humanly possible really. But it is.
Le sigh

I have nothing but resentment for you.
Don't you have conscience at all? How can one person change so.. much..
I feel cheated. Most of all I am disgusted with you.

Bitch.

Ya Allah facepalm tahap max ok. You push everyone away then nak kalut takde kawan. Then you find another friend and when you get sick of them you push them away too.
Then you're back in the market for a new friend. ~__~

Side note though, cute guys are everywhere nowadays. Wah wah.

Just close your eyes

I wonder what it's like to be a good writer. To naturally have endless flowing ideas fighting their way out of you. To have strong perseverance that could prevent you from giving up when you have a slight lack of idea.

To know what you want to write about and being able to stick to that story until the very end.

I imagine it to be magical really. To be able to word your escapism from reality in such delicate ways that it almost feels real. To know some much words from a language that you could express yourself so thoroughly.

I would love to know what it's like to be a good writer.

I don't plan for things. I go with the flow until time comes when I can't anymore. And I guess to have a good plot, you need to be able to see how the plot will unfold in front of you.

I just don't have that ability I guess. 

Sigh.

So house election went better than expected dun dun dun. Some parts of me do wish that someone would shout my name when it was time for president nominations. Guess what though? Someone did. 

I didn't get the post, of course. 

But hay, some juniors, younger than me strangers found me endearing enough to nominate me as their president. That's got to worth for something right?

It gave me hope that I'm not that socially awkward as I initially thought I am. I mean, I think I carry myself quite well in public. How else can these strangers have faith in me that I could lead them, albeit it being just a Sport House of course?

A little part of me stopped looking down upon myself so much. Maybe it's arrogance, or maybe it's just a tad bit of confidence. But that was the sweetest thing any strangers has ever done for me :')

I didn't get the post, it's a tough competition. There were so many other worthier candidates than I. But I am part of the B.O.D. :)

Literature class started again today! It's been a long couple of months without it. Puan Sibyl left us :c But Puan Chris is a worthy replacement, no doubt about that. But I will always miss Puan Sibyl of course. She was the reason Literature is my only favourite subject in school. Zzz. But that was a great Literature class nonetheless. Am super excited about the prospect of Holes, the play our class will be putting up. 

Super duper excited.

I have no idea why I'm so sanguine lately. Writing about my day practically everyday. ~__~ I guess I'm just in a very good mood. 

I hope I'll be in a good mood for the rest of the year.

Lolz.

Safe and sound

I feel so light headed these days. Things have been great now that school has start.
I don't have any burden on my shoulder anymore.
I just feel.. so free.

Studying isn't a burden too. It's actually very liberating.
I'd be busy come to think of it. With SAEYLS 2012 and my Literature play and co-curricular activities.

Health-wise though, I've been in and out of the hospital for the past few months. It's getting very redundant really. Doctor is adamant on the fact that I shouldn't need a surgery. But the headache is now constant and very severe when it decides to attack zzz. Honestly, it's been 3 months, how long does the doctor need to realize that his meds regiment do not work on me. What's so terrible about losing part of your nose bone anyway?!
But anyway, my next appointment is in 4 weeks time. I don't think I'd have time for surgery by then. What's with school and all. But how am I suppose to function with this stupid headache weighing me down? The recovery would probably take weeks. I don't have weeks to spare I have so many things to be done!

Squinting eyes to see the whiteboard a midst a headache isn't very fun to tell you the truth.
My tv show infested life is going great too! Grey's Anatomy came back after a long hiatus. I almost died towards the end of the episode. Didn't think I'd be capable of crying that hard.
Sherlock entered Series 2 and I'm wating for the second episode of this season to download. Unifi is being an ass as of now zz.
Psych would be back come February mahdkajdhak cannot w8!!!!!!!!!!
How I Met Your Mother and 2 Broke Girls are back YAY!
And Glee would be back this week :D

Tomorrow would be Sports House annual meeting in which they appoint all the Board Of Directors members to lead Green house this year. I don't know what to expect lol. But I hope that this year, as it is my last year in high school I could leave the school feeling like I've done something for Green house. Seeing as it never actually became champion for the duration of 4 years I've studied in that school. But we'll see. :3

Lol I sound very school spirited all of a sudden don't I? But hey, last year in school can do that to you. I guess it's just very early in the year. I bet my spirit would subside as time goes by haha.

I love feeling like this. I feel so.. happy. I have no idea exactly why. But hey, sometimes things do change for the better eh?
I feel like the noose around my neck has been cut off me and I'm free.
I don't take relationships with human beings that seriously anymore. It really is better to be alone in all aspects so to speak. I go to school alone. I sit alone whenever I can. And I remember only to surround myself with people during times when I'm happy.
Other than that, it's nice to feel solitude.
Because really, the only person you can depend on is yourself. People will just have change of hearts and do stuffs to you without you comprehending why.

I'm comfortable by myself. I feel content.
I'm happy and content.

Is it a mere facade?

Am I a mere facade?

Why am I this weak? Why am I so behind time?

I'm tired.

Hey moon, please forget to fall down.

Damn, what is wrong with you Elsa. You can't help someone who despises you.

Especially when you don't know what you did in the first place to make them despise you.

I guess my weak heart can't work with resentment. Resentment fades.

To say that I'm not moving on is false. I am. I can feel the burden of wanting someone who doesn't want me lifted off my shoulder.

Does moving on requires total utmost ignorance though? 

I guess, yes. Evidences clearly point to that.

I'll just act like I don't care then. And maybe in time, I really won't.

Irks me when girls expect boys to take care of their fragile heart.
When girls think boys owe them to be nice. Konon gentleman.

Don't expect to get favours just because you're a girl. It's degrading.
And pathetic to be honest.

I mean, of course there's nothing wrong with a little bit of niceness. But what about the fact that we're all humans. Boys have feelings too.

Why can't girls open the car doors for boys for once?
Or buys him credits when he's in need?
Why is it degrading for girls to spend money on guys when it's basically obligatory for guys to spend money on girls? Kalau tak spend, tak gentleman lah. ZzzZzZzZZ

What is all of this expectations that guys are to take care of girls? I mean, it's one thing if they're tied in marriage. But if the only that ties them is the term 'in a relationship'.. where does this logic comes from?

Idk, girls like to complain that they're look down upon because of their gender.
But at the same time they have no problem receiving petty favours that they could do themselves.

I mean, seriously.

Meh

What is your problem with me?

Just because my name is Elsa, doesn't mean I'm not Malay enough. You don't get to give me condescending looks and remark on how you miss the old days when Malays 'ada jati dari'.

What.

It is my name. I've lived with it my whole life. And it doesn't strike you that I might get offended when you so openly insult my name?!

Also, indirectly implying that my parents' suck at choosing names?

Gosh.

Because despite my best efforts, it still hurts to see you not give a fuck.

Le Fu-

Derpina is me and I am derpina.

Kawan, oh kawan. Kawan.

Another year

I'm starting anew.