As I'm writing this, 45 minutes from now his parents are going to walk into my house to talk about welll.... me and him getting married.
I guess it's called "merisik" in Malay custom. Comes with its own sets of rules and regulations which I chose to mostly ignore much to the chagrin of my mum. But that's what I have come to realize as I'm journeying towards marriage and everything-- that there's so much rules surrounding everything, often with extra expenses that don't really make sense.
This is my biggest struggle as I come to realize moving forward. The fact that getting engaged means getting families involved in a big hullaballoo, when in actuality, it's just a promise for us to get married. We need rings, we need hantarans, need dewans. And I struggle to reconcile this with my personality which values practicality above all else. I guess this whole thing veers on the side of "much ado about nothing" more than I'd like.
Another aspect of a wedding custom that I find absolutely grating is the passivity expected from me, as the "bride-to-be" (shudders). I am expected to sit and look pretty as people all around decide what's good for me. How many people to invite, what to wear. As the "elders" talk about how to proceed etc. It is grating because as far as I can remember, I've always made my own decisions.
I was lucky to have gotten a free ride throughout college and did not struggle. I could provide for myself free from my parents' support. I moved 9000 miles away from home where I largely decided on things on my own. And now that I feel more adult than over- so adult in fact that I decided I'm ready to be married-- I am expected to revert back to this clueless 17 year old whose parents have to decide everything for? It's counter intuitive, and most of all patriarchal in a way that I was never used to, and hope to god that I will never have to get used to.
And of course, the fact that I'm forking out a significant amount of the money required to have all of these wedding things. I've never considered myself a girly girl, and I, particularly don't like doing delicate things that I perceive to provide little to no value for my wellbeing. I don't wear much makeup daily because it's too much of a hassle to wash my face every time I need to pray, I don't decorate my bedroom or make my bed because it's gonna get messy anyways, and I don't wear fancy stuff that I'm uncomfortable in. But yeah, practically everything that has to do with marriage custom is uncomfortable.
As I reconcile between making the "elders" happy and making myself happy, I think they will win out eventually. I just wish that as I look back at this time, I will not be overcame with regret that I wasn't more assertive. After all, as everyone has been reiterating, a wedding is once in a lifetime so I wish that I can find it in me to enjoy myself throughout this journey.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Year in Review - 2017
I know I'm late to the game-- it's almost February, but who's really counting? I've abandoned this space for more than half the year in 2017 that no one is probably reading anymore.
2017 had been momentous, and I want to document it for my own future reference. I turned 22 in October, and I graduated from college in December.
Learned quite a few things amidst crippling anxiety and self-doubt. So what did I learn?
Being me is... taxing.
I wasn't always like this. In high school, I took things really easy only working hard when there's a deadline etc. In college, I didn't coast my way through. I tried my hardest and graduated with a 3.94 CGPA. I did 3 majors- Actuarial Science, International Business and International Relations with gave me 2 degrees from 2 schools.
It sounds fancy, and I'm proud of myself for soldiering through but my life was a constant chase. I was always looking at the next thing, never allowing myself a moment to be proud or to feel sure. I constantly feel like I'm not enough. While doing my dissertation to graduate, I couldn't allow myself to just feel happy that my 3 and a half years of double degrees are finally ending-- I was constantly stressed out about finding a job.
I would go on a million interviews for jobs in Malaysia which I would get through to the final stage and would promptly be told that I don't qualify because I need to be in Malaysia for the final interview. That happened like 3 times, and it was so pointless. I soldiered on, went for interviews after interviews while working on my senior thesis and graduating. I didn't travel at all this semester-- all my breaks were spent on either schoolwork or interviewing.
It wasn't bad, I secured a job right after graduation but I would never find out if it was worth all the anxiety from rejections and from school. And knowing me, I would not change a thing if I could go back because I'm a freak.
I am still very much a pushover
I had an internship where I did all the petty work that everyone didn't want to do because I felt like I had to earn my keep. I was in a group project where I did all the work and everyone else did nothing. And it's the same story year after year. It's my biggest flaw and I don't think I will ever have the strength to change this about myself.
I'm an adult
Not all of it is bad, 2017 also brought me out of that limbo between adolescence and adulthood. The word marriage was uttered and although I almost fainted when it was first uttered, I'm beginning to be more open to it. There's a certain independence in being so close to someone that you want to build a life together. I started seeing the practical side of having a partner. You can pool your finances, become a team in doing things in life that you don't have the capacity to do alone, and I never have to drive myself anywhere.
It also feels so surreal that we are at this point in our relationship when we started out as two kids from different schools. We have grown so much, but he's still the only person I will tell everything to.
I need to take better care of myself
In 2017, I had a health-scare. I had to do a physical a few weeks ago and found out that my blood pressure was 200/110. Which is bad, by any measure. I thought I have hypertension at 22. It was such a sobering experience because damn, that's an old people disease.
Glad to report that I wasn't diagnosed with hypertension. It was actually anxiety. The stress about getting a job, graduating, moving halfway across the world and resettling into my childhood home, were too much (who would've thought?). Didn't help that I'm such a nervous person to begin with. My doctor had to prescribe me Xanax to get over my anxiety.
It was sobering because I never thought that my personality could take such a toll on my health. I'm so easily stressed out that it's a wonder how I ever made it out alive from college.
Lol.
2017 had been momentous, and I want to document it for my own future reference. I turned 22 in October, and I graduated from college in December.
Learned quite a few things amidst crippling anxiety and self-doubt. So what did I learn?
Being me is... taxing.
I wasn't always like this. In high school, I took things really easy only working hard when there's a deadline etc. In college, I didn't coast my way through. I tried my hardest and graduated with a 3.94 CGPA. I did 3 majors- Actuarial Science, International Business and International Relations with gave me 2 degrees from 2 schools.
It sounds fancy, and I'm proud of myself for soldiering through but my life was a constant chase. I was always looking at the next thing, never allowing myself a moment to be proud or to feel sure. I constantly feel like I'm not enough. While doing my dissertation to graduate, I couldn't allow myself to just feel happy that my 3 and a half years of double degrees are finally ending-- I was constantly stressed out about finding a job.
I would go on a million interviews for jobs in Malaysia which I would get through to the final stage and would promptly be told that I don't qualify because I need to be in Malaysia for the final interview. That happened like 3 times, and it was so pointless. I soldiered on, went for interviews after interviews while working on my senior thesis and graduating. I didn't travel at all this semester-- all my breaks were spent on either schoolwork or interviewing.
It wasn't bad, I secured a job right after graduation but I would never find out if it was worth all the anxiety from rejections and from school. And knowing me, I would not change a thing if I could go back because I'm a freak.
I am still very much a pushover
I had an internship where I did all the petty work that everyone didn't want to do because I felt like I had to earn my keep. I was in a group project where I did all the work and everyone else did nothing. And it's the same story year after year. It's my biggest flaw and I don't think I will ever have the strength to change this about myself.
I'm an adult
Not all of it is bad, 2017 also brought me out of that limbo between adolescence and adulthood. The word marriage was uttered and although I almost fainted when it was first uttered, I'm beginning to be more open to it. There's a certain independence in being so close to someone that you want to build a life together. I started seeing the practical side of having a partner. You can pool your finances, become a team in doing things in life that you don't have the capacity to do alone, and I never have to drive myself anywhere.
It also feels so surreal that we are at this point in our relationship when we started out as two kids from different schools. We have grown so much, but he's still the only person I will tell everything to.
I need to take better care of myself
In 2017, I had a health-scare. I had to do a physical a few weeks ago and found out that my blood pressure was 200/110. Which is bad, by any measure. I thought I have hypertension at 22. It was such a sobering experience because damn, that's an old people disease.
Glad to report that I wasn't diagnosed with hypertension. It was actually anxiety. The stress about getting a job, graduating, moving halfway across the world and resettling into my childhood home, were too much (who would've thought?). Didn't help that I'm such a nervous person to begin with. My doctor had to prescribe me Xanax to get over my anxiety.
It was sobering because I never thought that my personality could take such a toll on my health. I'm so easily stressed out that it's a wonder how I ever made it out alive from college.
Lol.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Ethics
These past few weeks, I have been on the warpath. I've been calling out indifference, inefficiencies and general apathy to unethical behaviours left and right. Now, I am not a saint. Sometimes, like many people, I tread the line between unethical and ethical in my decisions. But it saddens me how prevalent these behaviours are, especially when it involves responsibilities and money.
The worst part is, no one speaks up except for me. Everyone prefers to be in good graces and happy memories even when they disagree, leaving me to take all the heat. I don't mind the heat because I know I'm right. I know that you're not suppose to use the organization's money under flimsy pretenses when you wanted to use it for personal gain. I know that as general human beings, that we have the obligation to speak out against injustices. These are all simple everyday ethical considerations that I frankly feel deep antipathy for anyone who doesn't agree with these kinds of values.
The same people who find and bend the rules to use organization's money for personal gains are the firsts to call out the government for doing the very same thing. And you wonder why corruption is so prevalent in our society? There hasn't been a system in place to ensure transparency and accountability when those should be your utmost importance when you lead an organization. It is sad and annoying that this even has to be said. But this only happens in Malaysian groups (at least from what I have encountered). There are no consequences and everyone is entrenched in groupthink- agreeing with unethical behaviours because you're justifying it through your fucking agreement with each other instead of moral reasons. You can justify murder if you try hard enough blergh.
I am super disappointed and for the first time I think, I lost my cool in public. Speaking out and then getting shot down because no one else cares enough or finds it worthy to hold people accountable was too much. This is the rot that we have to deal with in everyday's society. This is how people think. How my peers think. I am disappointed for the people who make unethical decisions but more than that, I feel hopeless that there are so many good people around them who are so complacent to injustices and wrongful behaviour that they sit there silently even when they disagree. Some even told to let it go because it's happened. Fuck that. I'm not gonna let it go. I'm not gonna let someone who abuses their power off the hook just because he knows how to bullshit his way out of sticky situations. You can use all the flimsy excuses in the world but I can see through your fucking bullshit. The way that you speak about money and taking advantage of other people is frankly disgusting.
So yeah I am being super vulgar because I am super frustrated. I have now become the most hated person in this community but I don't give a fuck. They can say all they want about me but they can't say I'm wrong or I'm bringing it up because I have something to gain. I have nothing to gain. All I want is for people to understand that you can't run something to the ground, strip the organization to its parts and then justify it because you're gaining something out of it. Take responsibility for your failures, know that you should try hard and apologize to all the people who trusted you. People give you amanah and you just disrespect it without a care in the world. So fuck that. And fuck you.
The worst part is, no one speaks up except for me. Everyone prefers to be in good graces and happy memories even when they disagree, leaving me to take all the heat. I don't mind the heat because I know I'm right. I know that you're not suppose to use the organization's money under flimsy pretenses when you wanted to use it for personal gain. I know that as general human beings, that we have the obligation to speak out against injustices. These are all simple everyday ethical considerations that I frankly feel deep antipathy for anyone who doesn't agree with these kinds of values.
The same people who find and bend the rules to use organization's money for personal gains are the firsts to call out the government for doing the very same thing. And you wonder why corruption is so prevalent in our society? There hasn't been a system in place to ensure transparency and accountability when those should be your utmost importance when you lead an organization. It is sad and annoying that this even has to be said. But this only happens in Malaysian groups (at least from what I have encountered). There are no consequences and everyone is entrenched in groupthink- agreeing with unethical behaviours because you're justifying it through your fucking agreement with each other instead of moral reasons. You can justify murder if you try hard enough blergh.
I am super disappointed and for the first time I think, I lost my cool in public. Speaking out and then getting shot down because no one else cares enough or finds it worthy to hold people accountable was too much. This is the rot that we have to deal with in everyday's society. This is how people think. How my peers think. I am disappointed for the people who make unethical decisions but more than that, I feel hopeless that there are so many good people around them who are so complacent to injustices and wrongful behaviour that they sit there silently even when they disagree. Some even told to let it go because it's happened. Fuck that. I'm not gonna let it go. I'm not gonna let someone who abuses their power off the hook just because he knows how to bullshit his way out of sticky situations. You can use all the flimsy excuses in the world but I can see through your fucking bullshit. The way that you speak about money and taking advantage of other people is frankly disgusting.
So yeah I am being super vulgar because I am super frustrated. I have now become the most hated person in this community but I don't give a fuck. They can say all they want about me but they can't say I'm wrong or I'm bringing it up because I have something to gain. I have nothing to gain. All I want is for people to understand that you can't run something to the ground, strip the organization to its parts and then justify it because you're gaining something out of it. Take responsibility for your failures, know that you should try hard and apologize to all the people who trusted you. People give you amanah and you just disrespect it without a care in the world. So fuck that. And fuck you.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Eating clean and exercising
Who am I?!?!
I'd never thought I would do a post where I'm talking about living the healthy lifestyle. I guess one of the perks of getting older is confronting the fact that many of the things you thought matter when you're younger... just don't.
I've never been naturally blessed with high metabolism. But I was skinny as a kid. Once I hit puberty, it went downhill from there. I've been a chubby girl since then. And I would have never admitted that if you asked about it 2 years ago. Body image is just something I steer clear from. I don't respond well when people talk about my body. Growing up in the culture that I'm used to, it gets pretty uncomfortable. Especially when a male relative comments on how much I've lost weight or gained weight. It's just that in my head space, something unacceptable. I feel like I'm being reduced to the numbers on my scale.
But I would be lying if I say it didn't affect me and how I perceive myself. At 9 years old, I was obsessing with how fat I've gotten. And I was still a child. I don't eat obscenely large amount of food, even now. And I can say that sincerely because my relatives would point out: "you don't each much, but you're so fat". Of course that affects me. When I was younger, I was hailed as being the "prettiest" of the bunch because I have really fair skin and hazel eyes and my face is round and my nose is pointier than most of my cousins or siblings'. And as I was growing up and put on extra weight, relatives would look at me and ask "what happened?" It stings. It still does.
So I would go up and down in size. Ever since I was a child. Entering high school, once again I'm being confronted with my own body image. This time, to compete for the attention of the male species. I was 15 and single. I've never had a boyfriend. Never even talked to a boy because I was in an all-girls school. Meanwhile, my friends around me are being noticed by boys, except for me. And the only way I knew how to be better and prettier and worthier is by crash dieting. I remember during the end-year school break and a long stretch of time where I would literally lie in bed and not eat a thing for the whole day. And that would go on for days until my mum would notice how I'm not eating at all and force me to eat. I lost a lot of weight. And I was noticed by the male species. And I was "pretty" again.
But I never knew what healthy is. When someone comments about my weight, they don't do it to get me to live a happy lifestyle. How do I know this? Because they were raving at how good I look when I'm literally starving myself. I lost a lot of hair because I just wasn't not eating or having my required vitamins. I would lock myself up because I just can't look at myself in the mirror long enough to get ready. I was scared of how I look or what food can do to me. That unhealthy relationship was soothed with the first "you look so thin" or "wow, you're so pretty" or "you're so slim, how did you do it?". Little by little, I started to like myself again because everyone seems to like me.
And as I grow up, I realized that there are way more important thing that can consume my life. Such as where I'm furthering my studies. Or whether I'm moving 9000 miles away from home. And my body image falls to the back of my mind and became a mild annoyance unlike what it was before. I eventually gained back all the weight I've lost when I'm at heaviest.
I would be lying if I say I'm happy about it or that I don't care. Because I do care. But it takes so much effort to care that I've taught myself how to be secure. How to like my body the way that it is. And I can still hear the snarky comments from my male classmates when they look at my older picture; "wow, you're so skinny back then. What happened?!" or "What did you do at home? Did you eat a lot? You seem heavier". And it stings just as bad as it stung before. But I don't internalize them anymore.
I do not let those little snarky comments wound my self esteem. Because I know that my body or the way that I look means little compared to how people say my eyes sparkle when I smile. Or how I know all of these things that I could not have known in high school. Or even how these guys who would be quick to say that I'm fat would come to me to ask about their homework because I'm literally the only one who has the answer. My body was never a factor when I applied for internships this summer and managed to secure 3 offers from coveted audit firms and a research institute before March. I am more than what I look. And for what it's worth though, I actually like the way I look.
Which is why I have managed to come to this point in my life where I'm concerned about being healthy. I'm concerned about exercising and I'm not doing it to see the numbers on the scale go down. I'm doing it so that I can sit upright for a long time without hurting my lower back. Or so that I can dangle my arm and not get tendonitis. I want to be strong so that I don't need my boyfriend to carry my groceries for me. None of those reasons include wanting to look good for the guys in my life. In fact, I wish they would shut up about my body because it has nothing to do with them.
So yeah, I'm still struggling. I like to eat rice. A lot of rice. And I like sweet tea and coffee. I'm recording this so that I will hold myself accountable. I will exercise and eat right so that I'm not bloated by the end of the day. So that I will not get hypertension by the time I'm 30.
I am determined because I know it will be a long road ahead. I know that nothing will change overnight. But I know that my the end of the year, I will feel so much better.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Beauty and the Beast Hulla ballooo
The social media outburst against Disney's decisions to postpone indefinitely Beauty and the Beast's screenings in Malaysia was unfortunate and unwarranted. I am not here to argue the mechanics behind this decision: why, Disney did what it did, but rather what leads to the controversy in the first place.
I would argue that LPF's insistence that it will only allow the movie to screened without the scene depicting homosexuality really points to the larger issue of how homosexuality is viewed within the context of the Malaysian society. I don't want to argue one way or the other because I don't think my views on homosexuality are relevant in the larger scheme of things. However, I do want to point out the kind of inconsistencies and double standards that Malaysian institutions (LPF, religious bodies) and some citizenry have against specific issues.
Within the context of the Malaysian society, the normalization of LGBT communities are seen as sinful and unacceptable. This is not a secret. However, I do want to point out that rape, murder, backbiting, and adultery are all seen as sinful and unacceptable too. In fact, I would argue that rape, murder, backbiting and adultery are worse than being gay. There should not even be a comparison. But under artistic license, we are okay with the depictions of these sins. Some of them are not even being depicted in a negative light. Ombak Rindu comes to mind with its backwards interpretation of what rape is. For goodness sake, the female protagonist married her rapist to "halalkan" their sexual relations.
So who decides that being gay is more messed up than a Stockholm syndrome developed by a girl which led her to beg her rapist to marry her? Who decides that Harry Potter which tries to normalize witchcraft (sihir) is acceptable and being gay is not? Gay people exist, but I know a number of friends who have pre-marital sex. Both are vilified within the context of society, but only one invites the kind of frenzy and controversy we see surrounding the Beauty and the Beast. Also, Belle is in love with a beast, which is literally bestiality. And I have yet to hear any arguments against normalizing relations with animals...
I take issue with the kind of arbitrary nonsense that people are basing their values on. The quick answer is that homosexuality is treated differently in Malaysia because we have enough people at the top with support of religious bodies normalizing and vilifying this issue. The same kind of attention and energy somehow had not been directed to condemn real, systemic issues such as domestic abuse or even rape. Not many recoil at the thought that a movie is arguing marrying her rapist as her path to happily ever after. I for one think that it's absurd but I don't argue that we should ban Ombak Rindu. I accept that not everyone thinks the way that I do.
Here's what it comes down to: if we want to apply moral concept to everything in our society, we have to be unequivocal in our application. We have to be clear of the specific moral concepts that works for everyone in this nation. If not, the inconsistencies are glaring and we are perpetuating arbitrary codes of conduct that can easily be used to abuse minorities and people who don't agree with us.
There also comes another big problem. How do we regulate moral codes? How can we decide what is acceptable and what is not? Who are we to decide? I don't have the answer to that, and I suspect no one does. We can go down the path of Saudi Arabia where everyone has to abide to one specific code but I don't see the country as being exemplary by any know standards. And even their code is ridden with unavoidable inconsistencies that stem from human errors or just prejudice.
I would argue then that we should reject the kind of outdated traditionalist approach to society. If we can't objectify something, who decides the rules? Why are we so open to a system where a few people or segments of society have a say in what is acceptable?
I radical rethinking is needed to how we conduct ourselves. Now I'm not a self-important snob, so I will end by saying that this is my opinion and it's not popular. It's not unpopular too- they're just my conjectures.
I would argue that LPF's insistence that it will only allow the movie to screened without the scene depicting homosexuality really points to the larger issue of how homosexuality is viewed within the context of the Malaysian society. I don't want to argue one way or the other because I don't think my views on homosexuality are relevant in the larger scheme of things. However, I do want to point out the kind of inconsistencies and double standards that Malaysian institutions (LPF, religious bodies) and some citizenry have against specific issues.
Within the context of the Malaysian society, the normalization of LGBT communities are seen as sinful and unacceptable. This is not a secret. However, I do want to point out that rape, murder, backbiting, and adultery are all seen as sinful and unacceptable too. In fact, I would argue that rape, murder, backbiting and adultery are worse than being gay. There should not even be a comparison. But under artistic license, we are okay with the depictions of these sins. Some of them are not even being depicted in a negative light. Ombak Rindu comes to mind with its backwards interpretation of what rape is. For goodness sake, the female protagonist married her rapist to "halalkan" their sexual relations.
So who decides that being gay is more messed up than a Stockholm syndrome developed by a girl which led her to beg her rapist to marry her? Who decides that Harry Potter which tries to normalize witchcraft (sihir) is acceptable and being gay is not? Gay people exist, but I know a number of friends who have pre-marital sex. Both are vilified within the context of society, but only one invites the kind of frenzy and controversy we see surrounding the Beauty and the Beast. Also, Belle is in love with a beast, which is literally bestiality. And I have yet to hear any arguments against normalizing relations with animals...
I take issue with the kind of arbitrary nonsense that people are basing their values on. The quick answer is that homosexuality is treated differently in Malaysia because we have enough people at the top with support of religious bodies normalizing and vilifying this issue. The same kind of attention and energy somehow had not been directed to condemn real, systemic issues such as domestic abuse or even rape. Not many recoil at the thought that a movie is arguing marrying her rapist as her path to happily ever after. I for one think that it's absurd but I don't argue that we should ban Ombak Rindu. I accept that not everyone thinks the way that I do.
Here's what it comes down to: if we want to apply moral concept to everything in our society, we have to be unequivocal in our application. We have to be clear of the specific moral concepts that works for everyone in this nation. If not, the inconsistencies are glaring and we are perpetuating arbitrary codes of conduct that can easily be used to abuse minorities and people who don't agree with us.
There also comes another big problem. How do we regulate moral codes? How can we decide what is acceptable and what is not? Who are we to decide? I don't have the answer to that, and I suspect no one does. We can go down the path of Saudi Arabia where everyone has to abide to one specific code but I don't see the country as being exemplary by any know standards. And even their code is ridden with unavoidable inconsistencies that stem from human errors or just prejudice.
I would argue then that we should reject the kind of outdated traditionalist approach to society. If we can't objectify something, who decides the rules? Why are we so open to a system where a few people or segments of society have a say in what is acceptable?
I radical rethinking is needed to how we conduct ourselves. Now I'm not a self-important snob, so I will end by saying that this is my opinion and it's not popular. It's not unpopular too- they're just my conjectures.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Strength
I reject the notion that travelling is good for you me.
Notice how I struck "you" and replaced it with "me"? Because it's not good for me. It causes me heart palpitations, back aches, sleep deprivation and chronic home sickness.
Now don't get me wrong, I do travel sometimes. I do enjoy looking at different places, getting my picture taken at world famous monuments but... it's a constant struggle. A struggle that as I am now well into my spring break (my last one, mind you) don't really associated with relaxation and refueling my energy for the rest of the school year.
I attribute it to my inability to chill out. I need to plan everything to the T. I have taken many personality tests and all of them told me what I already know: I have the lowest tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty. I will literally have heart palpitations if I'm thrown off my well-crafted plans. And being in a strange place, not knowing anyone there is the most ambiguous situation I can think of. I literally need to have an hour by hour itinerary of the places I will visit and then research how to get there. It takes me hours just to plan a 3 day trip. So no, although flying off to Europe might seem like a good idea at a whim, it causes me too many anxieties to ever think that it's worth it.
Not to mention that airports are literally the worst place to be. The American airports I mean. Going through security and immigration would never be tolerable for a hijab wearing gal such as myself.
I don't know the point of this post. I just know that I need to get over it. I don't ever feel like I'm losing out by not travelling. I honestly think that I've seen the world enough. I've been to 3 continents. More than 15 states in the US. I've been to the East Coast 3 times. Southeast once. Western and Central Europe once. And the Middle East loads of time. I don't know. I just don't feel excited or relaxed at the idea of travelling. I'd much rather watch a movie or a theater production.
I have a few days until school restarts. I will spend that time reading blogs, writing in my diary and doing Pop Pilates on YouTube lol.
P.S. I started the beginner's calendar 3 days ago. My muscles literally felt like they have been torn apart. I have yet to proceed to Day 2 because of the excruciating pain on my abdomen. I have no core strength that it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
Notice how I struck "you" and replaced it with "me"? Because it's not good for me. It causes me heart palpitations, back aches, sleep deprivation and chronic home sickness.
Now don't get me wrong, I do travel sometimes. I do enjoy looking at different places, getting my picture taken at world famous monuments but... it's a constant struggle. A struggle that as I am now well into my spring break (my last one, mind you) don't really associated with relaxation and refueling my energy for the rest of the school year.
I attribute it to my inability to chill out. I need to plan everything to the T. I have taken many personality tests and all of them told me what I already know: I have the lowest tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty. I will literally have heart palpitations if I'm thrown off my well-crafted plans. And being in a strange place, not knowing anyone there is the most ambiguous situation I can think of. I literally need to have an hour by hour itinerary of the places I will visit and then research how to get there. It takes me hours just to plan a 3 day trip. So no, although flying off to Europe might seem like a good idea at a whim, it causes me too many anxieties to ever think that it's worth it.
Not to mention that airports are literally the worst place to be. The American airports I mean. Going through security and immigration would never be tolerable for a hijab wearing gal such as myself.
I don't know the point of this post. I just know that I need to get over it. I don't ever feel like I'm losing out by not travelling. I honestly think that I've seen the world enough. I've been to 3 continents. More than 15 states in the US. I've been to the East Coast 3 times. Southeast once. Western and Central Europe once. And the Middle East loads of time. I don't know. I just don't feel excited or relaxed at the idea of travelling. I'd much rather watch a movie or a theater production.
I have a few days until school restarts. I will spend that time reading blogs, writing in my diary and doing Pop Pilates on YouTube lol.
P.S. I started the beginner's calendar 3 days ago. My muscles literally felt like they have been torn apart. I have yet to proceed to Day 2 because of the excruciating pain on my abdomen. I have no core strength that it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
Monday, January 2, 2017
New Year
Well, I have one hour until it's the end of first January. I like to self reflect at the end of the year, just to see how far I've come and what I have going on for me.
I guess, professionally, I gained some new experiences. Led Malaysian Night, participated in Model Arab League, traveled to Boston and Orlando, ventured out of my comfort zone a little bit, had my first ever professional experience in a corporate setting.
I consistently feel underwhelmed by my achievements though. Maybe I wanted to do more. But I am in a good place, nevertheless. Pretty content, albeit a little bit stagnant.
I guess 2016 had been more geared towards developing personal relationships and regulating emotions. I am more ready to commit to long term relationships now. I have also felt stinging defeat and rejection, professionally and personally for perhaps the first time ever since I've been alive. I know it's kind of crazy to say that, but it's true.
All my life, I've had instant gratification although in my teen years I remember a lot of angst (but I was a teenager, that might have just been hormones). I was the top of my class through my primary school years. Going into secondary school, I ceased to care about my studies as much but always do well in things that I do want to do well in. I don't work as hard towards my academic in high school because I saw it as pointless and my results reflected that so I did not mind as much. But I got what I wanted for SPM and then a scholarship to the US. I am the first among my cousins and sibling to have studied abroad and am hailed as the "gifted" in my family and extended family. I know I am mediocre at best but when told your whole life that you're a special snowflake, you tend to fall for it haha. And it wasn't empty too. In many ways, I could see I was at least kind of special. Despite minimal efforts, I am always placed in the first class at my high school. Despite studying for only 3 months and sleeping consistently in classes, I managed to get straight As. It's been gratification after gratification.
But I resolved to be exceptional in university. I have been working really hard academically- more than I have ever worked my entire life. I took on different projects to polish my flat resume. And a lot of times, I have faced rejection too. Getting a B for a course I stayed up nights for. Getting only 1 interview from the countless internships that I have applied for. That's just some of it. And it stung. It brought me back to reality.
It stung so bad, I was on the verge of collapsing many times. But I also realized that I am strong enough to persevere. Giving up was never in my vocabulary even when I thought I could not go on any longer. Whenever I get knock down, I cry a lot. I remember being a leaked pipe, unable to stop myself from tearing up at public spaces that I have to hide behind my study table to tell myself to pull it together. I've felt the lowest of low, but I came back swinging. I count my blessings and I talk about my experiences literally to anyone who would listen. And then I take on new challenges like travelling to Boston with a group of people I barely knew to debate about Middle Eastern politics. Who would've thought that I would ever do that??? I certainly didn't.
My personal relationship took a hit too. Someone who I thought was a sure thing before hurt me in ways I never thought possible. But instead of holding a vengeance, I reflected too. And I realized that nothing happened in a vacuum. And although this might sound Stockholm-ish, I have my share of blame in how the situation deteriorated. Once I've realized that, it became easier to fix things instead of throwing away what's broken. And we came back stronger too. I became happier and commitment became less scary.
I guess, I could look back at 2016 and say that it's a shitty year. It's tumultuous, unstable and extreme. I lost my grandmother whom I was very close to. But I would be lying. 2016 had to happen so that I could be where I am right now. Idk if 2017 will be as mind boggling but I finally feel like I am growing up and am journeying on a new phase in my adulthood. Hopefully this trend will continue. And if there are more hardships to endure? I don't mind a bit because I always seem stronger by the end of it.
I guess, professionally, I gained some new experiences. Led Malaysian Night, participated in Model Arab League, traveled to Boston and Orlando, ventured out of my comfort zone a little bit, had my first ever professional experience in a corporate setting.
I consistently feel underwhelmed by my achievements though. Maybe I wanted to do more. But I am in a good place, nevertheless. Pretty content, albeit a little bit stagnant.
I guess 2016 had been more geared towards developing personal relationships and regulating emotions. I am more ready to commit to long term relationships now. I have also felt stinging defeat and rejection, professionally and personally for perhaps the first time ever since I've been alive. I know it's kind of crazy to say that, but it's true.
All my life, I've had instant gratification although in my teen years I remember a lot of angst (but I was a teenager, that might have just been hormones). I was the top of my class through my primary school years. Going into secondary school, I ceased to care about my studies as much but always do well in things that I do want to do well in. I don't work as hard towards my academic in high school because I saw it as pointless and my results reflected that so I did not mind as much. But I got what I wanted for SPM and then a scholarship to the US. I am the first among my cousins and sibling to have studied abroad and am hailed as the "gifted" in my family and extended family. I know I am mediocre at best but when told your whole life that you're a special snowflake, you tend to fall for it haha. And it wasn't empty too. In many ways, I could see I was at least kind of special. Despite minimal efforts, I am always placed in the first class at my high school. Despite studying for only 3 months and sleeping consistently in classes, I managed to get straight As. It's been gratification after gratification.
But I resolved to be exceptional in university. I have been working really hard academically- more than I have ever worked my entire life. I took on different projects to polish my flat resume. And a lot of times, I have faced rejection too. Getting a B for a course I stayed up nights for. Getting only 1 interview from the countless internships that I have applied for. That's just some of it. And it stung. It brought me back to reality.
It stung so bad, I was on the verge of collapsing many times. But I also realized that I am strong enough to persevere. Giving up was never in my vocabulary even when I thought I could not go on any longer. Whenever I get knock down, I cry a lot. I remember being a leaked pipe, unable to stop myself from tearing up at public spaces that I have to hide behind my study table to tell myself to pull it together. I've felt the lowest of low, but I came back swinging. I count my blessings and I talk about my experiences literally to anyone who would listen. And then I take on new challenges like travelling to Boston with a group of people I barely knew to debate about Middle Eastern politics. Who would've thought that I would ever do that??? I certainly didn't.
My personal relationship took a hit too. Someone who I thought was a sure thing before hurt me in ways I never thought possible. But instead of holding a vengeance, I reflected too. And I realized that nothing happened in a vacuum. And although this might sound Stockholm-ish, I have my share of blame in how the situation deteriorated. Once I've realized that, it became easier to fix things instead of throwing away what's broken. And we came back stronger too. I became happier and commitment became less scary.
I guess, I could look back at 2016 and say that it's a shitty year. It's tumultuous, unstable and extreme. I lost my grandmother whom I was very close to. But I would be lying. 2016 had to happen so that I could be where I am right now. Idk if 2017 will be as mind boggling but I finally feel like I am growing up and am journeying on a new phase in my adulthood. Hopefully this trend will continue. And if there are more hardships to endure? I don't mind a bit because I always seem stronger by the end of it.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Complexities
I have a predicament. I am currently wrestling with many inconsistencies in my fundamental beliefs and my outlook towards the world as a whole as I continue to grow and learn.
I am a Malaysia student, funded by the government to study overseas. I have used this opportunity to the best my ability. I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of the world and become engaged global citizens, not just cooped up in my bubble of opinions - afraid of change and challenges to my opinions.
To be fair, I'm never very opinionated but growing up around Islamic conservatism and in a Malay family who believe that race is fundamental part of our identity shaped my views somewhat. I also credit it to how I stay grounded even as I fly 9000 miles away from home. I am unapologetic about my identity and the make up of my ideology. I regularly speak up in class and give my opinions as a Malaysian. And at the first opportunity I will make the distinction that I am not American. I'm also clear that I want to go home after my studies, no question or hesitation. I regularly volunteer to speak at interfaith dialogues to dispel some of the negative connotations in Western countries about Muslims.
However, despite staying grounded, I also struggle to reconcile the problematic side of my own identity. I grapple with my own privileged position in Malaysia as the majority who probably at some point in my life have contributed to the alienation of the minorities in my community. Politically, my race dominates and I am here on scholarship to a certain extent, because of my race and who I was born as.
Alas, it is not that simple. As much as I want to make the comparison to what I learn here in the US about White privilege, I cannot easily apply it to Malay privilege. I have felt what it's like to be discriminated because of my identity in my own country. I have been rejected when I applied for simple jobs because I wear the hijab or because I don't speak a third language, or from a certain ethnicity. I have felt the stigmatization from other races because Malays are seen as lazy or complacent. I have also been told that the picture on my resume in a hijab can be detrimental because religious symbols are not well perceived in Malaysian corporate culture. I also saw how my own relatives are still largely recovering from the colonial legacy of poverty and till this very day, have not been able to break out from the poverty cycle.
I am not a victim, certainly a far cry from a "victim". But I detest the oversimplification from both sides of the spectrum regarding racial relations in Malaysia. Some "woke" Malays and minorities are quick to draw comparison between Malay privilege and White privilege. But Malays weren't the oppressors, we were all in the same boat under British colonization. Yes, constitutional advantage exist under the quid pro quo arrangement to grant citizenship from our other minorities friends at that time, and maybe times are changing and reforms have to be carried out, but this systemic advantage had not sufficiently advantaged the Malay to the point of their domination of the economy.
From the other side of spectrum, rural Malays are quick to blame their economic anxiety on minorities and non-bumiputeras. They tout Malay supremacy because that's the only thing that made sense to them largely because of the role of the populist government whose grassroots support comes from this idea of Malay supremacy. This is extremely problematic, to say the least.
What is the point of this post? It is that there are no simple answers. I am still trying to reconcile my own belief and recognize my privilege in the context of my society. But I have to do so while trying to be true to the struggles of my own people if I want to be honest with my self and my convictions. I have seen the community I grew up in the rural areas being called idiots by the people in the city where I spend the later half of my life because of their political beliefs. I have seen them being undermined by the ruling elites who despite wanting their political support actually did little in making their lives better. I have also seen the detrimental effect of Malay privilege to the lives of minorities who could not get to the same universities I could get in because of their race. Who received less support although they too live in poverty just because of their race.
Dialogues should not be along the lines of black and white where the other side dismisses each other for being "idiots" or "Western liberals". Dialogues should take into account that race is not the only factor when talking about "privilege". Dialogues should not endeavour oversimplify a complex issue.
And me? I will continue to learn and accept that my identity and convictions can be as fluid has to be fluid if I ever want to arrive at enlightenment in which I can be 100% sure of my place in this world
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Small Win
I had a goal when I decided that the US will be where I continue my tertiary education. I love learning and I love being excellent. I never experienced this kind of passion when I was in high school. In fact, everyday felt like I was tied to a shackle. But when I started learning things in Drake, I found my passion.
I also found out that hard work reciprocates. I found out that I was capable of doing things I never imagined of doing. Who would've thought that little old me would lead a team of 12 people and sold out 370 tickets to an amateur show. Tickets were priced at $10 each when all of the other cultural shows had a truckload of funding and were able to sell tickets at $2. Then came the highlight of the year when we won the Most Outstanding Social Program Award in the whole of University. I made that possible.
I did not sleep and chased down and talked to anyone who would listen how Malaysian Night 2016 would change your life. I was rejected and talked over and talked about. All the while struggling to maintain relatively good grades.
But this semester, I drowned. Classes were getting harder, things were picking up at breakneck pace and for the first time in my life, hard work did not reciprocate. Hard work failed me. I felt like I was shaken to my core. That everything I thought I knew was false and I had been deluding myself.
I am not this excellent person I aspire to be. I am just a girl doing everything she can and gets lucky once in a while. It was... awful.
It have never felt that way before. I was faithless in my ability and what I knew. I am becoming timid and quiet because I feel so small all the time. Because I felt failure over and over again despite my best efforts.
And I began to think what if this is it? What if this is my limit? I never entertained the possibility that there is a limit to what I can achieve. But this was it. I finally realized my full potential and its just downhill from here.
I am questioning everything I know. And that is the hardest thing that I have had to do so far in my entire life. I didn't have a lot going for me but I could count on myself. Now, I can't anymore.
But today, after staying up all night and working on the Model Arab League conference that I will be going in November, my team leader told me that my sample resolution was the best in our small team of 8 people. And I am reminded of why I work so hard. It is because of this simple wins in life that reminded me although I can't do everything, I can do some things and I can do it well.
It reminded me that I don't have to trade my tendency for hard work with cynicism. I needed a small win today, and goodness it felt so good when I got it.
I also found out that hard work reciprocates. I found out that I was capable of doing things I never imagined of doing. Who would've thought that little old me would lead a team of 12 people and sold out 370 tickets to an amateur show. Tickets were priced at $10 each when all of the other cultural shows had a truckload of funding and were able to sell tickets at $2. Then came the highlight of the year when we won the Most Outstanding Social Program Award in the whole of University. I made that possible.
I did not sleep and chased down and talked to anyone who would listen how Malaysian Night 2016 would change your life. I was rejected and talked over and talked about. All the while struggling to maintain relatively good grades.
But this semester, I drowned. Classes were getting harder, things were picking up at breakneck pace and for the first time in my life, hard work did not reciprocate. Hard work failed me. I felt like I was shaken to my core. That everything I thought I knew was false and I had been deluding myself.
I am not this excellent person I aspire to be. I am just a girl doing everything she can and gets lucky once in a while. It was... awful.
It have never felt that way before. I was faithless in my ability and what I knew. I am becoming timid and quiet because I feel so small all the time. Because I felt failure over and over again despite my best efforts.
And I began to think what if this is it? What if this is my limit? I never entertained the possibility that there is a limit to what I can achieve. But this was it. I finally realized my full potential and its just downhill from here.
I am questioning everything I know. And that is the hardest thing that I have had to do so far in my entire life. I didn't have a lot going for me but I could count on myself. Now, I can't anymore.
But today, after staying up all night and working on the Model Arab League conference that I will be going in November, my team leader told me that my sample resolution was the best in our small team of 8 people. And I am reminded of why I work so hard. It is because of this simple wins in life that reminded me although I can't do everything, I can do some things and I can do it well.
It reminded me that I don't have to trade my tendency for hard work with cynicism. I needed a small win today, and goodness it felt so good when I got it.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
I would have followed you till the end of the world if I had to.
I would.
And why is it that my first instinct when you hurt me is to apologize to you so you would come back to me?
I am stronger than this.
See the thing about depending your happiness upon others is you have no control over how they act to you. And I know that's not what I want. To give up my emotional stability to keep one person around.
Maybe it's me. I'm overly emotional and so difficult. Whatever it is, I concede that we have no place together in this world.
I would have done so much for you but you ran far away from me when I showed a few signs of distress and then decided to come back when it is convenient. When I'm OK. When I'm no longer the emotional mess you triggered. When the bad episode on that humid night passed to be replaced with sorrowful resignation in the morning.
I feel so lonely. But I'm OK.
For now.
I would.
And why is it that my first instinct when you hurt me is to apologize to you so you would come back to me?
I am stronger than this.
See the thing about depending your happiness upon others is you have no control over how they act to you. And I know that's not what I want. To give up my emotional stability to keep one person around.
Maybe it's me. I'm overly emotional and so difficult. Whatever it is, I concede that we have no place together in this world.
I would have done so much for you but you ran far away from me when I showed a few signs of distress and then decided to come back when it is convenient. When I'm OK. When I'm no longer the emotional mess you triggered. When the bad episode on that humid night passed to be replaced with sorrowful resignation in the morning.
I feel so lonely. But I'm OK.
For now.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
I feel my legs heavy
My shoulders drooping
And I took the slowest steps ever
And I remember how you told me to be vulnerable
To open myself up to love
And then you went away.
With her.
I remember that warm afternoon as I was shouting at you
The grass was green and it was 27 degrees
Maybe because I felt myself being reduced into sheer nothingness
Stripped away from my dignity and the love I am so ready to give,
I told you to choose.
I was scared before.
I was terrified you would say you're choosing her.
And you told me you don't know.
But how can you not know?
I was beside you when you were struggling, puking your guts out
I was there to help you through your visa application
And your college essays
I was there to see you through because I love you.
I could finally see how I have wasted 6 years of my life
Waiting.
Struggling.
Loving.
And now I'm reduced to nothing.
Checking my blank screen every 3 minutes
Hoping.
Hoping for something I shouldn't be hoping for.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
I forgot about my self-worth.
I remembered to be forgiving. And kind. And I remembered feeling a kick in the gut from not being wanted. And I remembered being stumped not knowing what to do and being in denial. Taking that rejection as being reflective of who I am as a person.
And I forgot about being happy.
I thought being happy meant being accepted. It means fighting and being unselfish.
But I am a good person. And I know I don't deserve this. And I want someone or something to blame but all I can blame is myself. For being weak and disgusting.
I know I have to be strong and it pains me that I have no capacity for that. That I am a pushover and despite talking big, I'm actually very small.
I don't need anyone but I have summed myself up into being contingent on one person. One person who just doesn't care about me beyond what he would think is socially acceptable. And I, despite myself have built him up in my head, put him on a pedestal and continuously punish myself for... losing him.
And I want to desperately ask "what about me?". I would shout it out into the world but I live in a cave and the only voice who will answer back is my pathetic echo.
And despite myself and everyone else, I know I will internalize this self hate and I will be laying awake all night.
Because while he's out there, I'm in here. Clutching my heart because I thought it's literally going to break. I want to believe that I'm stronger than this.
But I'm not.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
I am so hurt... that I want to just curl up in a ball and just cry.
I loathe the fact that I have transitioned into this girl once again.
Hoping for him to care about me and feeling so weak all the time.
I'm losing sense of myself and who I am as a person because one person decided that I'm not good enough for them.
That I care about them more than they care about me.
And instead of wishing I gain my strength again, I wish that they would care about me. And everytime I think about them, I just feel that feeling at the pit of my stomach like I have been punched and I know that I'm losing another piece of myself.
And I was so young and stupid. I thought I had grown up and I'm not codependent on someone in my life. But I am.
And it was okay when he was codepending on me too. But now, his feelings changed and I'm left behind. Like I don't matter and everything that I feel don't matter. And everytime I look at him I just that girl. And how because of her, he realized that I'm not good enough for him.
When I know I am. And I know this is not my fault.
But I don't see how I can be better.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Reflection
Fall 2015 semester drew to a close and I am left feeling... honestly, relieved.
It was not a good semester for me. This is the semester when I extend myself too far and way too much. I felt like I could do it all and nothing is out of my reach. My philosophy was that life is as hard or as easy as you made it out to be. You always find time.
This semester, I started taking 100 level courses which meant that everything gets way harder that they were when I was a freshman. I am doing a double degree in both Actuarial Science and International Relations. Both demand so much of my time and energy but I love doing both equally. So I stacked myself up with 15 credit hours. I also took a 15 hours per week job. I became the head of screenplay for this year's International Night. I was involved in projects in Enactus. I was also the secretary for Kelab UMNO Iowa. You stacked all of those together and you get a very tired me.
I am honestly not making excuses because I used to be stringent believer that people who make excuses are weak-willed. You can always find time. Don't sleep if you have to, don't eat if you have to. The only thing that mattered is your work.
My IR classes demanded so much reading and writing and my Act Sci classes are ridden with tests and homework every other week. I go to work at 8 am and I return home no sooner than 9 pm. There were days when I would only get home at 12 am. I cook for my housemates every Monday and Wednesday so on both of those days, I would have to be awake before 6 am. My weekends are also filled with meetings, practices and volunteer works. When I'm not at work, I'm at the library studying. I was tired but there was no warning signs until my arm gave up on me.
I used to think that the only tired part of me is my brain and no one can see that so it's not real. It's not real pain. But whenever I am worked up, my whole body started to ache. The worst that has been affected is my left arm, from being suspended for too long while I read and write and do things on my computer. It has been weeks since I could use my left arm properly. And the pain is constantly there but subsided when I rest quite enough. But finals have been over for a week now and my arm is no better. I don't know, I feel strangely solemn about this experience.
Somehow, I pulled through. I am now only put together by tapes and glue but it taught me an important thing: you can't have it all. There are things in this world that are not meant to be. I put my everything into everything that I do, But you don't get to do everything and still believe the universe will reciprocate. Something, somehow has got to give and instead of being mediocre and some of things I aspire to do, I was mediocre with myself. I did not take care of myself, and now I'm paying a hefty price for it.
Next semester will be better I hope.
I hope.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Goodnight you
I am so out of touch with writing and being creative.
But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.
As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.
Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?
When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.
Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.
Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.
But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.
Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.
Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.
We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.
I am uncertain that we're worth it.
I am certain that I love you.
I am certain that you love me.
But I don't know if we're worth it. I don't know that when this pain disappears that I will ever look at you the same way again.
I don't know.
"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about"
But today, I feel the need to pen down my thoughts.
As I lay in this bed, ears stuffed with a pair of headphones listening to our song, I feel... a strange sense of nostalgia. It is as if like every moment is fleeting. Before we realized it, we're half a world away, desperately attempting to make it. Together.
Together. That's the problem isn't it? How can two people who are so different, determined and headstrong became so entwined? Was it love... or mere convenience?
When I think about you, I think about the snowy day last Thanksgiving when the reverie of white powder engulfs us and we couldn't help but feel magical. Everyone has already left for Thanksgiving and we felt like it was just us against the world. We walked to McDonald's and you dove into the snow. You flailed your arms and legs. You said you were making a snow angel, although it was starting to resemble a big blob of nothingness. It took everything in me not to grin at your silliness.
Or when we were 15 and sneaking out to One Utama, praying that we will not get caught because my parents were strict about me seeing boys, or even befriending one. We went to Tutti Fruiti and I got a strawberry yogurt. You took a spoon, and tasted some of mine. That's when I saw you scrunch up your nose and wiggle your body. That's the first time I realized you hate everything yogurt, or sour, or tart.
Or when it was the day that we found out our SPM result. I was working. You came around with the biggest smile on your face. You have your 9As and your eyes twinkled when you asked me about my results. I never saw you as happy as you were when you recounted how proud your parents are of you. I remember thinking to myself that I would do anything to see you that happy again.
But I also remember that horrible night when you slammed the door in my face and I ran aimlessly for hours. I felt so alone, and unwanted, and worthless. You threw me into a bottomless abyss, and for a few hours that day, I felt like I was in a purgatory; wishing that this part would end and I would go straight to hell.
Or the day when we felt overwhelmed and I was sick of waiting for you. When we parted ways and lost touch for almost a year. You seemed so okay while I went through 2 surgeries alone. Every time I woke up from anesthesia, I found myself tearing up a little. I was in pain, but I felt even more in pain knowing that you'll never again be there for me. You seemed happy. You moved on. And I was left behind.
Here's what I know: with every tears I have a thousand more smiles with you. But the bad felt so bad it threatened to swallow me whole. And you. Well, we have a tendency to sabotage each other when we feel like it.
We've come a long way since we were the 2 kids from Sri Aman and Bukit Bintang. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other in her house. Since you left your then girlfriend and called me crying that one night. I don't know what this means for our future and I don't know if I'm willing to fight for this anymore.
I am certain that I love you.
I am certain that you love me.
I don't know.
"So goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I think about"
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Why I'm a feminist
I don't have the privilege to ignore misogynists and their damaging perspectives. My fellow women are systematically oppressed by the same mentality. I have been a personal victim of such mentality although I realize that my experience in the grand scheme of things pale in comparison. If I don't do anything, I am a part of the problem.
I don't dream of tackling every reason why I am a feminist. I am a feminist for far too many reasons. But this particular tweet resonated to the deep seated disgust I feel for aurat crusaders in particular.
I am paraphrasing but:
If that does not make you lose all faith in men, I don't know what will.
Firstly, you should extend common decency to women on the basis of her being a human. It is common decency to know that it's rude to point and stare at people. Mak bapak tak ajar ke? How that person dress and how they look on the outside is irrelevant. You dehumanize a woman when you tell her she has no right to get angry when she is treated because of the way she dresses.
How better are you than they guy I met at a truck stop in Chicago who called me a terrorist because of my Hijab? Both of you judge women by what she chose to wear so really you're no better. You are both scums of the earth and I pray that you would not reproduce.
You cling to the ability to disrespect women. Why? Do you believe it's your right to be an asshole? What kind of person fight so hard to disrespect other people? I would assume that you are a bad person if you are so passionate about hurting someone. You deny someone's lived experiences, and at the same time, vilify them because they dare to feel uncomfortable for being stared at. Again, what kind of a person are you?
Secondly, you argue about the intentions of women who dress that way. You argue that their intentions are clear: they want men's attention. So they had no rights to get mad when they are stared at. How high is the horse you're sitting at if you think that women only do things for you? What's the point of her getting mad at the impolite staring if that was the response she wanted? Who are you to tell someone who felt like she was violated by men who ogled at her that she was wrong? Are you God to know what's going on inside her? If you're not God why are you taking God's works, judging and punishing?
The analogy is simple: you uses the iPhone 6 and of course, you would use it in public. If the phone is thieved, would it be okay for people to assume that you wanted for your phone to get taken from you? Instead of blaming the thief, they are blaming you for using your phone in broad daylight. How would you like that?
Never mind the fact that a woman's journey of submission to her Creator is pure and scared. When I don the Hijab, I get reminded of modesty; I feel closer to my Creator because I am following His orders. I submit to Him and to Him only. I can't imagine covering up out of intimidation from the men around me who gets horny by the sight of my bare arms. Who would stick their necks out to defend their rights to ogle at me if I dare to wear any formfitting outfit. Who would do more to name and shame women who show their hair than to condemn the absolute monstrosity of domestic violence and rape culture.
Men who go on these crusades taint my fellow sisters' journey to submission. They reduce the absolute sanctity of Islam's call to cover up. They make it about themselves and their utter lack of self control.
I pray that Allah will guide all these kinds of men. Until then, I will rid myself from these misogynists and hopefully do what I can to educate my future son and brothers so that at least, in my family line I can stop this misogynistic cycle.
Call me a feminazi if you'd like; because I have already formed my opinion about you and all the men who after reading my lengthy explanation, would still fight for their rights to be assholes.
I don't dream of tackling every reason why I am a feminist. I am a feminist for far too many reasons. But this particular tweet resonated to the deep seated disgust I feel for aurat crusaders in particular.
I am paraphrasing but:
"Kenapa nak marah lelaki tengok kalau pakai seluar ketat dan tank top? Pakai baju ketat apa niatnya?"There're so many ignorance in one statement, I can barely deal. If you click on the tweet and you dare read the comments below it, you would see how patriarchal our society is. Someone had the audacity to say
"Patut kau video tape je orang yang pakai macam ni. Baru diorang tau".
If that does not make you lose all faith in men, I don't know what will.
Firstly, you should extend common decency to women on the basis of her being a human. It is common decency to know that it's rude to point and stare at people. Mak bapak tak ajar ke? How that person dress and how they look on the outside is irrelevant. You dehumanize a woman when you tell her she has no right to get angry when she is treated because of the way she dresses.
How better are you than they guy I met at a truck stop in Chicago who called me a terrorist because of my Hijab? Both of you judge women by what she chose to wear so really you're no better. You are both scums of the earth and I pray that you would not reproduce.
You cling to the ability to disrespect women. Why? Do you believe it's your right to be an asshole? What kind of person fight so hard to disrespect other people? I would assume that you are a bad person if you are so passionate about hurting someone. You deny someone's lived experiences, and at the same time, vilify them because they dare to feel uncomfortable for being stared at. Again, what kind of a person are you?
Secondly, you argue about the intentions of women who dress that way. You argue that their intentions are clear: they want men's attention. So they had no rights to get mad when they are stared at. How high is the horse you're sitting at if you think that women only do things for you? What's the point of her getting mad at the impolite staring if that was the response she wanted? Who are you to tell someone who felt like she was violated by men who ogled at her that she was wrong? Are you God to know what's going on inside her? If you're not God why are you taking God's works, judging and punishing?
The analogy is simple: you uses the iPhone 6 and of course, you would use it in public. If the phone is thieved, would it be okay for people to assume that you wanted for your phone to get taken from you? Instead of blaming the thief, they are blaming you for using your phone in broad daylight. How would you like that?
Never mind the fact that a woman's journey of submission to her Creator is pure and scared. When I don the Hijab, I get reminded of modesty; I feel closer to my Creator because I am following His orders. I submit to Him and to Him only. I can't imagine covering up out of intimidation from the men around me who gets horny by the sight of my bare arms. Who would stick their necks out to defend their rights to ogle at me if I dare to wear any formfitting outfit. Who would do more to name and shame women who show their hair than to condemn the absolute monstrosity of domestic violence and rape culture.
Men who go on these crusades taint my fellow sisters' journey to submission. They reduce the absolute sanctity of Islam's call to cover up. They make it about themselves and their utter lack of self control.
I pray that Allah will guide all these kinds of men. Until then, I will rid myself from these misogynists and hopefully do what I can to educate my future son and brothers so that at least, in my family line I can stop this misogynistic cycle.
Call me a feminazi if you'd like; because I have already formed my opinion about you and all the men who after reading my lengthy explanation, would still fight for their rights to be assholes.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Emotions
So I just watched a video on Buzzfeed titled "What makes men cry?". It basically revolved around the absolute stigma that men have to face surrounding crying or any display of emotions. Men are considered masculine so crying, in a way, would cripple that image.
I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.
I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am. As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.
I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.
I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.
I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.
Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.
There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.
I totally could relate where they were coming from though and strangely, started to feel really really sad. And helpless. LOL.
I used to be super in touch with my emotions. I would cry at the slightest thing. A simple click on a blog post from 2011 would show you how much of a cry baby I am. As a teenager I had a lot of issues but people told me that it's all in my head. I felt invalidated whenever I cry. I feel a lot of loneliness and hopelessness when I cry. What made me quit was the fact that it's rare that my tears inspire any appropriate response at all. Well... to be fair, maybe it's not anyone's fault that I feel invalidated. I just can't remember the last time I felt better whenever I cry. People... just don't care. So I stopped.
I don't feel like anyone at all paid any attention to my problems and who I am as a person. Sensitivity was a great part of who I am, but I certainly feel more vilified with that sensitivity. I guess in a lot of ways, suppressing everything seems like the way to go.
I feel sad watching the video because there is something special with being in touch with your own emotion and let yourself feel things. I feel like I have lost that part of me. That I am now, worse off because I have lost that part of me. I don't let people in anymore. I don't ever tell my parents anything worth telling anymore. I feel this huge burden to mask off whatever I feel to anyone else. It is hard for me to cry even at the worst moment of my life such as when I had to leave my parents and my cat away when I moved to the United States. It was numbing. I had never been away from home for 18 years and despite all of that, I could not even show my parents that I was sad to go.
I have this tendency to downplay every important moments of my life just to keep my emotions in check. Level-headedness and the ability to be invulnerable are what most important to me.
Some parts of me feel totally OK with avoiding to click any links that I feel would make me cry. I feel totally OK not reacting when my mum tells me my late aunt just passed away and went into detail of how she passed away. But at the same times, sometimes I wish that there is at least a person in my life that I feel totally safe with. I wish that there is one person in my life that I could take my mask off and be completely candid with.
There is a huge burden in feeling lonely at your darkest moment.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
What I learned freshman year
Halo everyone!
My writing mojo seems to revisit me today lol idk why don't ask me. Anyway I am back in Malaysia woohoo. I don't know who I am telling that info to as everyone who would read this post would already know that I'm back in Malaysia but whatever.
Okay so my first year in Drake University has concluded. I am mostly neutral about it. In fact, it hasn't even hit me that my first year has ended until I started writing this blog post.
Being back with my family after 9 months of being apart is really something... special. I don't say that lightly because God knows emotions are my worst enemy. But I've been feeling really content ever since I came home which is really good. I am that point in my life where drama is non-existent and everything is smooth sailing.
Gosh. I am an adult now.
I found out I learned a lot being on my own, abroad, half a world away from home. And I guess I would like to commemorate those lessons. So I've learned that:
My writing mojo seems to revisit me today lol idk why don't ask me. Anyway I am back in Malaysia woohoo. I don't know who I am telling that info to as everyone who would read this post would already know that I'm back in Malaysia but whatever.
Okay so my first year in Drake University has concluded. I am mostly neutral about it. In fact, it hasn't even hit me that my first year has ended until I started writing this blog post.
Being back with my family after 9 months of being apart is really something... special. I don't say that lightly because God knows emotions are my worst enemy. But I've been feeling really content ever since I came home which is really good. I am that point in my life where drama is non-existent and everything is smooth sailing.
Gosh. I am an adult now.
I found out I learned a lot being on my own, abroad, half a world away from home. And I guess I would like to commemorate those lessons. So I've learned that:
- I made the absolutely best decision coming to Drake. Here, I discovered that learning is my true passion. It can be highly technical such as Calculus and it can be highly creative such as Philosophy, but not once do I feel burdened by what I have to learn or what I have to do. Assignments are relentless but when you enjoy doing them, it feels so liberating. Of course, sometimes there are bumps in the road-- mostly stemming from the fact that I want to produce the absolute best in my study career and sometimes I realize that my efforts are not enough. But in the end, passion prevails. I have passion for what I'm learning and what I do and goodness gracious, life just feels purposeful. Alhamdulillah.
- going to Drake with my best friend is the absolute best decision ever. I don't know how else I would have fared without him. When I'm frustrated, I tend to bottle everything up inside. Usually. But with him, (although he is never a willing participant), I can just... be myself. I can be as frustrated as I want, I can be as psycho and paranoid as I want. He keeps me sane. More than that really, we are growing up together. Experiencing new things together. I just feel so lucky to always be able to count on someone and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.
- snow isn't that great. Sure, it's pretty to look at but it gets in your $80 boots which claimed to be water-proof but is really a pair of disappointments made in China.
- I don't like being abroad that much. If I could get the same experience in Drake as I would get studying locally, I would move back in a blink of an eye.
- flights are the bane of my existence. I detest long-haul flights.
- I have softened a lot since moving away. It is really easy to find the good in people instead of focusing on the bad. It's easier for me to find the compassion to be understanding instead of being rigid in my ways. Of course, it is still really hard for me to become personal with people but I think I'm getting there? Lol I hope so.
- being nice isn't the same as being a pushover. I am still struggling to draw the line but I think I am faring well.
- being happy for people is really liberating. I used to get jealous of people. Now, it's really that easy to feel good for someone. To congratulate people for their achievements or to compliment someone for how they dress. It feels really positive and really warm inside to be able to do that and do that sincerely.
- I can't live without my cat. I love it so much that I can't imagine ever parting with it. And I am afraid of my own attachment.
- Forever 21's clothes are really low in quality but I still buy them anyway because they're cheap.
- money will never be enough and I suck at saving them.
- I am never entirely happy with myself but that's a good thing because that means there is room for improvements and I can never be complacent.
That was a long post. I guess there are some other things but nothing more comes to mind.
I am an entirely different person from who I am 3 years ago. And good it feels so good to know that change is constant. I hope that I will continue to grow and to be able to be someone I am truly proud of.
Someday.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
I don't know if anyone still reads this blog.
My pageview is between 0-1 day by day but that is expected. In the off chance that anyone does read this blog, I have made this: ask.fm/elsaasri
You can ask me questions and stuff.
I'm never fond of interactions but that account might be interesting.
I'm sure this post is pointless but what the hell eh
My pageview is between 0-1 day by day but that is expected. In the off chance that anyone does read this blog, I have made this: ask.fm/elsaasri
You can ask me questions and stuff.
I'm never fond of interactions but that account might be interesting.
I'm sure this post is pointless but what the hell eh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)