Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This is real.

You have no control on anyone and how they treat you. And that drives you crazy. 
It drives you crazy because you know, there's something there. Something unspoken that for reasons beyond you, they are not able to express.

And you just want to know what that thing is.
What is that thing that keeps them from leaving even when they have every reason to?
They seem like they want to leave. Heck, they seem like they couldn't care less whether you're alive or dead. And you definitely can recognize the signs that you're not wanted. Though it hurts, you retreat because it's only polite to give them what they want; to not be bothered by you.

When you finally think you're breathing properly again, and you're adapting to their absence, they reappear. I mean, it's nothing significant. Just a.. non-committal 'hey' through Skype or whatever. You can feel yourself melting again. Because that's how you are around them. You're head over heels for them even when they show signs that their feeling for you is limited to indifference. 

Thing is, both of you were one of the most important people in each other's life once upon a time. And well, you thought you're pass that wooing phase. Or the weird creepy butterflies in your stomach or the 'he said hi, does this mean he's into me?'. Isn't honesty way simpler?

When asked, they show how much they are uncomfortable so you stopped asking. Which left you in a constant state of confusion. Because despite telling yourself that it makes no difference, you want to be assured that they are feeling what you think they're feeling.

But I guess, at some point, you just got tired of wondering all the time. Maybe they're confused too. Maybe they don't know what they feel for you. Or what they don't feel for that matter.

But here's the thing I don't get- why can't they have enough respect for you to figure it out? 
I mean, maybe the love has subsided. But how can that person you once tell your deepest darkest secret to, the one who's sworn to have loved you once, and the one who used to stay up at night whenever you're sick; how can that same person be the one who's not capable to have enough compassion for you to release you from the constant state of confusion they put you in?

But I guess, they are capable of such things. And no matter how hurt you are, it doesn't move them. It doesn't have any effect on them.

And you're just stuck here. In between. 
But I guess, the answer is mapped out for you already. You're stuck because you still love them. And you don't just abandon the people you love. Though you can't depend on them like you once did, you can't feel their love for you like you once felt and they're possibly effortlessly erasing you from their thoughts right at this very moment, you still love them.

It scary as hell. Because you didn't realize the capacity of how much you can feel for that one person. And now that they're gone, you thought you can cope with their absence. You told yourself that you felt this strongly about them before because you got used to them. And in time, the feeling will subside. 

But that's not the case at all.
Your feeling for them is amplified now that they're not around. You find yourself not missing the familiarity of them. You find yourself missing them instead. 
And you have this empty void within you where they once were. 
You realize that at 16, your first love has turned out to also be your first true love. 

And the last hour you spent typing this isn't for anyone else. It's your own revelation. And you know it won't make any difference whatever you say or do.

You have no idea why you love them so much.
You just know that you're emotionally bounded to them. Even when you're no longer sure that they share the same feeling.

And everyday you pray that you can shake off that stupid feeling.
But you can't. They can say you don't try hard enough and you brought this upon yourself. But it really doesn't matter what they say.

You love them.
And dammit, though you absolutely hate this fact, for now it seems that
you will always love them.

Where does that leave you then?
You're not content to live in a place where you're pathetically attached to someone who doesn't care about you. 
It's a dead end for you.

And you really wonder how can anyone be this difficult.

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