Everything was going so well.
But it comes in waves you know- those darned epiphanies. Where I am right now isn't how I imagined I would end up.
And once these epiphanies strike, they won't let me catch any breath. They hit me again and again and again. I realized every thing, all at once.
My heart hurts so much I sometimes want to rip it off my own chest.
I let that moment of weakness consume me. I let it break me apart. And then, I picked pieces of myself up, I put it back together with tapes and glue. And I force smiles just to feel like I'm going on with my life.
But when I least expect it, or when I'm sick, or when I see how everyone else seem to be holding up just fine and I'm in this place all alone, I break apart again.
Then, the cycle will repeat itself.
And I reckon this is the most gallant thing I can do. To let it all out when the pain hits me. And forget about it when I have something better to do.
If that will help me get out of bed every morning, then, why shouldn't I?
Here's the thing though, when it hurts, it hurts so bad. It hurts. I can't be more eloquent than that. Because the fact is, it just hurts.
Every single time when I can't find any distraction to help me through the day, it hurts.
And when I think the pain has gone away, it will strike me again without warning.
Because see, my life is no longer my priority. It's a mere distraction from whatever it is that's hurting me.
I haven't decided how I feel about that.
I'm not destructing myself. Nor am I physically harmed in any way. I reckon I will be fine this way.
I'll be fine.