It's not like I'm always sad.
That's not the whole truth.
I can be on top of the world laughing till your tummy hurts kinda happy with my friends.
But thing is, I'll always think that I've been.. happier.
And then I'll get sad.
It's a vicious cycle really.
I can't be one of those girls who's hung up with that one boy who doesn't give a crap about her for the rest of her life.
I refuse to be one of those girls. I want to be the girl who accepts that her happily ever after isn't with that guy. I want to be the girl who's content with loneliness.
Maybe it's because I'm lazy. And the fact that I hate putting on effort into unnecessary things. But it's too tough for me. This all is too tough for me.
I mean, I tell myself that I don't need to move on. Who cares what's going through my head huh? If it doesn't effect anyone, why should I bother? I mean, the only person I'm hurting is myself. And well, I say I can live with that.
Well turns out I can't. Despite my best effort to be inhuman, I'm still human. And I want to be.. happy.
I want to be with that guy I like. I want that guy I like to like me back. Because things are so much better with him around. Every happiness I feel, every story I have to tell, they're amplified when you have someone to share it with. Every sadness doesn't seem so sad when you have someone to tell you everything will be alright in the end. Even though they have no way in knowing that, to know that you're not alone is more than enough.
Yeah, I know I sound like such a girl. And I am one. The thing is though, it's not like I'm one of those clingy girl who cannot survive alone. Who finds a need to have a boyfriend or anything like that.
It's just that one guy.
If I can get over him, god knows how careful I would be to ever fall in love again. My problem would be solved so I wouldn't be so quick to get myself into another one.
But what's done is already done. I let my guard down for one second and I'm head over heels for some guy.
And when things don't work out, here I am.
Shamelessly writing about a guy whom I know is reading this. Well, maybe he's not reading this because if he doesn't give a crap about me anymore, why would he read my blog huh? But if he is reading, hurray! Because that means he's still kinda into me. God knows he will never admit that to my face. But yeah. Idk what I'm tryna say. K. Moving on.
I guess I'm just kinda sick of all these vague emo posts I wrote to look undesperate or something. Truth is, I am desperate. All those posts are about the same person.
How he broke my heart.
Well, at least how I'm assuming that he's trying to break my heart because it's easier to be sad when you have someone to blame.
I don't know. I can't talk to him anymore. It'll all just end up in a whole big loop of 'how are you?' 'fine. you?' 'fine too' 'haha' 'okay' 'huhu' 'ok' 'uhuh' 'k'. And it's too depressing really. The sad tale of how a guy I once knew has turned into this stranger I can barely communicate with.
And because it has gotten too awkward, I find it easier to just not talk to him at all. Of course, once in a while I will be consumed by my stupid urge to find out if he's alright and succumb to asking him. Which will bring us back to that convo consisting of big loops full of nothing. -.-'
I know I shouldn't be telling this to the cyber space. Because it's my own personal problem yadda yadda yadda. And that poor guy would prolly have a fit seeing him being so exposed to the world by my darned writing.
But I need to vent.
And I like my blog. It's not like I mentioned names anyway. So don't be too perasan k anyone. I might be talking about my cat for all you know.
So yeah, get over yourself.
I just want this to be over with.
I don't want to enslave myself to my stupid touchy feelings. I just want to get over that guy so I could go on with my life already.
Sigh.
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